Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[JRuss]

focus22 -- thanks for stopping by, and I appreciate the good wishes! I'm trying to focus on what I have and not so much on what I don't, which I think is what everyone should do, but especially LBSs.

Sorry sandi2 -- I was in a bitter, frustrated mood when I asked you that question. I know it's not what you meant when you related your anecdote. Part of me gets pretty nauseated at the idea that such an abusive jerk could destroy one family and land in a different one down the road and be happily content. I side with the first family, whether they knew how to enforce boundaries or not.

[focus22]

focus22 -- thanks for stopping by, and I appreciate the good wishes! I'm trying to focus on what I have and not so much on what I don't, which I think is what everyone should do, but especially LBSs.

Yup, that's a really great plan Where our attention goes, our energy follows.

Maybe you do this already, but I like to end the day with lying in bed and trying to think of one thing I'm especially grateful for that day. And then another, and another...

And sometimes when I wake up, I try and think of the things I'm looking forward to that day as well. Just to try and set my mind off on a positive track.

Heck, I've even been known to trawl positive/inspirational quotations on Pinterest and read a bunch of those, and read them until I can't stop myself being affected by them and smiling.

Tough journey though...

[MoveFrwd]

darknes -- that makes sense, if you do in fact want to be a professional soccer player. However, what if you'd been working on becoming one for 2.5 years, poured your soul into it, thought you really wanted it, but, lately were becoming increasingly struck with the thought that maybe you don't like soccer as much as you thought you did? What if soccer -- despite your efforts to make yourself the best player you could be -- made you unhappy? What if, every time you pulled up to the soccer field in your car, you felt dread and wondered how you'd get through the next practice? What if, despite looking for some glimmer for 2.5 years, soccer always found you wanting and not good enough?

Would you keep playing soccer, or just move onto whatever's next?

I think this is a very different question from this:

I also feel like there's no plausible way I can blueprint out in my mind how we'd ever reconnect at this point.

It sounds like you are at the end of the process looking at the next step. Thats very different from being at the beginning and looking at the end.

If you are at the end of the process, then I think youre next step ar to figure out your next goals. If youre ready to give up soccer, what will you do next with your life?

[JRuss]

darknes -- honestly, I have no idea where I am in the process. I just know something that seemed very, very important to hold onto, and that I had held onto for years now, may have drifted away from its moorings when my wife of 17 years couldn't even be bothered to mention our wedding anniversary. I don't know what's next, I don't know what my goals are. This is a new feeling, and it isn't present at all times, but if I keep having it, that will guide me in terms of what my goals are, I think.

[JRuss]

focus22 -- I have a collection of inspirational quotes I've copied into my journal. I read them all the time, and it does help.

So today, after me trying to get my W to go to MC with me for over two years, and having pretty much given up on it ever happening (and nursing that grievance that someone could BD, want to blow up the family, etc. and never even try MC for even a second), she tells me today that, if I find a "neutral" MC, she'll "go with me".

I'm deeply skeptical that this is anything other than a guilt-reduction box she's checking. In our last R talk, I told her how I was having trouble moving past the anger I feel that we never even had the chance to go to MC and work together on our problems (I know -- a mistake), so I think she's just doing it, as I said, to reduce her guilt ("see -- it didn't work, and I'm justified") and, maybe, to give me some sort of closure. So my first impulse is to say no and that I'm only willing if I get real assurances that she's all in and motivated to build a new relationship.

But then I think it can't really hurt at this point. We are getting a divorce unless something happens to stop the momentum in that direction, and it has 2+ years of built up steam in that direction, with a lot of bad developments recently. Why not go, at least as long as I know going in that it probably isn't going to work a transformation of my marriage? Maybe it WOULD give me some closure and/or maybe it would help her and I get back to a place where we can at least co-parent effectively. And then there I go, also fantasizing a little that, despite being closed to the idea at the outset, the process might work on her a little and start breaking some of the barriers down that she's built.

Any thoughts?

[ForGump]

WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

This is unbelievable development! Happy for you, man. Really.

I really can't imagine this being box-checking.

But I would really invest a lot of effort into finding a good and, most importantly, the RIGHT therapist. Don't just settle for the first one you pick. Do some homework. If it were me, I'd go as far as to visit their office and check out the environment for the right kind of vibe.

[JRuss]

I don't know, FG -- it just seems like something she'd discuss with her IC (divorce coach). She's not a sadist. She genuinely agonizes over this and does not want me to be hurt. And this follows so quickly on the heels of her moving out of the MBR that it doesn't feel like any sort of move toward me, just something she thinks she might be able to fake her way through and have me see the light that it really just wasn't meant to be. My IC says go but protect myself re expectations, fwiw.

Definitely would research the best possible MC, but I don't live in a huge town, so options are a bit limited relative to a bigger market. My IC has a couple of names, so I'm going to do some digging.

[ForGump]

I wonder if MC's would meet w/ you for 10-15 minutes, just to help you get a sense of their style and orientation. Assuming your W is OK w/ this as a part of vetting for a neutral MC.

I mean, if I were given this golden chance, that's what I would try to do...

[JRuss]

That's the mind f, though, FG -- seeing it as a "golden chance". I am not sure I can handle the hope-to-collapsed-hope cycle again at this point.

[doodler]

JRuss,

My wife always resisted MC. She always insisted that we could just "talk things out between us." I felt like we needed a third party in order to get a subjective viewpoint. (My wife has an aversion to counseling, but that's a long story.)

Anyway, back in January we'd had yet another argument and after the argument she said, "This is the way I see it; it's either marriage counseling or get a lawyer." I was completely surprised that she mentioned MC, and of course, I took the MC option. Unfortunately, when we went to see the MC it became obvious that she had no intention of making things work.

Looking back, it was obvious that she was just checking things off of her list and MC was one of the things to be checked off. Her agenda was clear, she just needed an MC session to reduce her feelings of guilt. I actually got her to go to three sessions, but with each session, things got worse.

However, I'm glad we went to MC. MC wasn't going to change our marriage relationship, but the MC became my IC and she was was priceless. I owe that woman so much. (And I literally owe her a $20 co-pay that I forgot to give her. She's going to get her $20 along with a big thank you card.)