The Fight For Self III

[CT1118]

CT - no matter how this turns out you've got a lot to be proud of.

Agree. CT, you are an amazing individual my friend. Happy bday to S5 and great job on 7 months! Boast away brother!

CT1118 *humbly bowing in respect*

As well, not sure how it will turn out either Andrew P, but I will be proud of myself and thank you. Last Sunday when dropping off son, she walked across the room to me, hugged me deep and told me she loved me. Got it again this morning and this evening. She was very close into my space at son's party as in standing so close she was touching me and then she touched me. She was also wherever I was. I kept moving to different rooms trying to photograph the party, and then there she would be and get in my space again. But alas, she is still seeing OM. How's that conundrum for the MLC mindset? Actually I know why, because she is a chaos kid; she even admitted to living her life in chaos today and not knowing how to live without it. She asked what I thought, and so I said "my body is aging, I am getting older, and I am now closer to end of my life than to the beginning. We are still in the childhood of our old age, so to speak. The choice today is change the things we do not like about ourselves right now, or we live with them forever." It was the moment, and I seized it and I wasn't offensive; I did not say much, but it was eloquent. It was also something I had written in my journal about three weeks ago - so if you need a reason to record your thoughts, there it is; you can whip those suckers out when needed.

So I am not mind reading - just stating facts. Hopes are not up, self-respect is not down. Come what may. I know I feel good, I know I look good, I know I am good, my son loves me, my little black dog needs a bath - I know this because I view it as true. Still work to do on me, but the work I have done is working.

[CT1118]

After months of self reflection, dismantling my issues, determining what was purely my nature and what was taught via nurture. Examining deeply who I was, who I am, and who I wish to become. Asking what thoughts are real, what thoughts can I change, what do I want to keep and what do I want to let go?

The work I have done on my own, the assistance I have received here. The effort to make new connections and rebuild the old ones worth saving. This stuff all added up and I realized that I really want to help people right now. I have things to offer: skills that can be taught, education that can be shared, words which can be supportive. In light of this, I still have much to learn - a professor once told me "I teach so that I may also learn". I really like that. So, it took me a few days, but I am now officially an American Red Cross Volunteer. My time is strict these days, so I am shooting for 1 or 2 hours a week right now, but with the hopes that this experience could lead to a lifetime of learning and assisting.

I think this decision fully fits what my hopes were in using the Fight for Self thread. Yet it also fulfills what I understand to be the point of DB - you can become a better you, a more interesting you, a more compassionate you, a more open you, a more adventurous you. This will attract others to you; as MWD noted in a video, if not your spouse, than you will just be that much better for the next person, I would tack on that much better for all persons. Will let you all know how it goes; if it does not go I how I expect, I am expecting it to be for time reasons, but engaging with an open heart and an open mind.

Still in the fight.

[PacLove]

CT - I applaud you for finding the time in your schedule to becoming a Volunteer - congrats. I've been trying myself to find something I can do but my time is so limited between GAL activities and my D as I've got majority custody... the best would be to find something we can do together. I haven't given up and will keep searching.

Your response to your W at the party sounded cool, calm and collected, a good emphasis on why we should journal more... I started out strong but lately have only been writing in it 1-2 times a month. Perhaps a good sign of detaching (it started out with me recording everything W did transitioning to more about myself)

[CT1118]

PacLove, Thank you - it will take focus on my part to not allow a very good thing to become a very bad thing, i.e. a stress point. This is why I am keeping target goals for time quite low on myself.

Thanks for the support of my words. I still write frequently, but shifted most of it too a notepad app, just moves faster. I have been getting a bunch of touch -n- go from her in the past three weeks, but like I said, expectations stay low, she is still in an A. Hell, even when the A ends, she still has a haystack of work to do, so....

There it is.

PS, is your D9 like most in that she loves horses? A friend of mine takes his D8 to horse stables every other Saturday and they volunteer a couple hours. She gets to ride them as repayment so to speak.

[PacLove]

CT - she loves all animals, not a bad idea. We had talked about volunteering at an animal shelter or something along those lines. What I'd really like to do is do something with the less fortunate but most homeless shelters and food banks are either not kid friendly or their hours are very limited.

Our schedule is still too wonky and all over the place right now though to commit to much so we'll have to see how things play out after Oct.

[CT1118]

Good luck with it buddy. I think teaching kids to give back can be one of the more inspiring message/lessons we can offer.

[CT1118]

Mega-GAL today. Six months ago I signed up for a volunteer service to provide a specific type of work to US Veterans. I just wanted to help - the nonprofit read my credentials and asked me to lead. Well, six months ago I had about jack and S going on since my W was out so I agreed. Today was the day for the service and it went about as incredible as things get! I pulled a team of skilled professionals together, pulled off the work, and did a really positive thing for both the public, US Veterans, and my professional industry. Felt so very very good to give back to community. Felt so very very good to give back to me. It is pure when the extrinsic and intrinsic selves are balanced properly!

And I made the paper, which is what I have called "mom candy" for many years. Mom's love that s__t. Plus my dad came out and helped, which was really cool b/c he is a pretty old, still quite strong, does not give an s how he dresses (which is funny) and he told me he was proud of me, which is not something I got a lot of as a kid. Great day.

[ForGump]

That's huge -- your Dad being proud. I wish my Dad had told me that more often.

[AndrewP]

Reaching all the way down for a bit "high 5" at you CT1118!

[JRuss]

That is awesome, CT1118. Really cool and especially great because you got to do it with your Dad.