What should I be doing (too little too late?)

[Coconut]

Any things possible, but I know her BFF very well, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind, actually I don't think she has the filter that most of us have...

This is the second time that they have stopped talking since this sitch began, because BFF knows that I'm an awesome guy, and there aren't many men like me out there, and even less that would put up with WW... BFF was the first one that called WW out about there being another man, she saw the changes in WW before anyone else (other than me) although I didn't know it at the time.

[Zues126]

Hey Coco, man, I've been following from a distance and sending you silent support. What a roller coaster. You're handling it like a champ. The false hope is painful, and while you're strong enough not to let it break your sway, it's a lot to go through and I feel for you.

You know, this might not be exactly applicable, but it is on my mind so now you get to hear about it

The idea is called "medicating with positive intention"

My dad coined the phrase (to the best of my knowledge). He was talking about someone we knew that was an addict. They were at their bottom. Everything was dark. The world was pain. They couldn't go on anymore. So this person started thinking about quitting their drug of choice. They started fantasizing about how they would get clean, straighten up their life, and things would get better. Little by little this person would stop sobbing, and start feeling a bit better about themselves and about their prospects.

Great. Only one problem- they hadn't DONE anything yet!

The funny part is that as this person started feeling a bit better, they decided "meh, this isn't so bad after all". And they decided that they didn't really need to give up their drug of choice, because they could get through ok.

Isn't that whacked?

But it makes sense. I've seen it play out with people not leaving abusive relationships, where they call their best friend, dump, make all of these plans on how they are going to leave, then feel better so decide they don't need to. I've seen it happen in other areas as well.

None of this matters and it's all speculation and mind reading, we don't know if this is what your WAW did. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

But if looking at it this way makes it easier for you, and for the other newcomers who read this thread in particular, to remember to watch their feet and not their lips, well, then it's worth me sharing.

Take care C, and tip of the hat for navigating through a tough mine field.

[Coconut]

I get it Zeus... And I think it is applicable, in fact I think it's applicable to both the WW and LBS.

On my side, I relished moving to the mountains, I imagine a wonderful life there, it definitely lessons the pain of my sitch. Now I decided not to move north right now because it was just too soon (imagine coconut showing patience), but I do still need to move somewhere in the next 4 weeks. The best move for me would be to go to my cousins and stay in guest room, or moms. Neither is an option that excites me, but it would allow me to save significant money quick since I'll be debt free... My other option is to find a short term rental, which would be costly in my area, I don't want to sign a year lease.

On my WW side, she probably feels the FD will fulfill her, but I think the move is going to break her. I'm 70% packed, she hasn't packed a single thing and she's keeping almost everything in the house. I'm the planner, the doer of our family, and if I had to plan her move I would be stressed to the max. She wanted the master bedroom set, it's a king size bed, and very very big heavy furniture (the dresser probably weighs 500 pounds, and I don't think she even realizes that it's not going to fit in most bedrooms, but she wanted it so I gladly said ok.

Also, she needs to find someplace to move to, we won't have money until the house sells, and I had to tell her that she can't buy a house without my signature while we are M.. So I'm really not sure what she plans on doing, or how she's going to do it unless she gets the whole fire department to come pack her up and move her. I'm seriously thinking of borrowing money from mom to rent a two bedroom place so son has a place to go until she gets something, because I just don't know how it's possible for her. I've tried to bring up the subject twice, but just like everything else, she doesn't share info or ask me for advice, so I'm just going to stand back and watch the crash, and make sure my S is taken care of.

She's about to get very very hard with reality..

[Ginger1]

Zeus, you are right.

I'm much better spoken in person than I am on the Internet. Most people are better versed through the Internet, I'm an anomaly

My point was not to mind read or to start trouble. Like I tell anyone, I just offer advice and perspective through experience.through experience.

I think you handled everything great. Nothing on you. Sometimes friends have good intentions and I think her BFF agrees you are an awesome guy. She wants to see you guys back together. She may or may not be saying things to make that happen. and when she handed that signed contract when you told her BFF she could come to you if she was serious, you may have felt inside " if she felt as her BFF said, she wouldn't have done that"

Just keep on your path and stick to what's right for you. It was just a " be careful" on what you and her BFF share. But I'm sure you've got yourself handled.

[Zues126]

You aren't wrong and you didn't start trouble G. I didn't see your post when I posted mine. I just think we are all trying to understand how this might have played out. Not to try to figure out WAW, but simply to help find peace and closure in what has happened.

You bring up a good point in how a WAS might react to her friends attempts at control. My point was only that it's not truly rock bottom until you see consistent changed action, not words of regret. All of which is designed to help Coco, who is clearly handling this like a DB champ.

[CT1118]

Zues126 - what a profound last two posts, really good stuff.

C-nut - been reading your sitch a long time, just not always saying much. Not much to add, but you are ripped tough sir.

[Coconut]

Ginger, you posted a point of view that you thought I should consider, nothing wrong with that. I think it helps us consider something we may not have thought of.

CT, thanks for the support.. I'm not all that tough, just got my confidence and self worth back, it allows me to make decisions without fear of losing her, so it's a lot easier to do the right thing now.


I saw a meme on FB this morning, it said "Dirty Laundry goes here (pic of laundry basket), not here (FB emblem).. It got me thinking, so I posted the following and wanted to share...

I find it interesting how major events in life can alter views in so many areas. I guess it is just the fact that sometimes things change so much that you need to once again try and find yourself, and that can cause you to explore new avenues.

At the same time you analyze things, trying to determine how actions (your actions and those of others) effect your emotions, and from that begin to understand your true feelings.

I've never been a Facebook person, I've always preferred to live my life and share my thoughts with those I surround myself with. I would occasionally post big picture things that I had already shared or were known by those closest to me, but affected me in a bigger way so I wanted to share with a wider circle of friends or family. For example, when I bought my house, it was something that altered my life, it was something that I shared intimately with my inner circle in real life (IRL), but I also wanted to share it with my bigger circle that I don't get to see in person often. But when I updated the ceiling of the house from popcorn to knock down, I only shared it with my inner circle because it wasn't a big picture thing.

With that same concept, if I disagreed with someone about something (say an argument), it doesn't have much effect on my life (short term bump in road), if I shared it at all, it would only be with a very small part of my inner circle and would be done IRL, and I believe sharing with the bigger circle (FB) may actually make the bump in the road larger. So I think the sharing of negative information should be commensurate with the affect that it will have on my life (the big picture). I forgot to put the toilet seat down (share only with those involved), sprained an ankle (share with inner circle around IRL), lost my job (start with inner circle and work out to everyone).

I think it is the different with good news. I think positives in your life should be shared with all. Facebook allows us to keep connected with people we've known for almost all of our lives (I have several from high school 26 - 30 yrs ago) even though I may not have seen some of them in 20 years. But by us all sharing the positives on Facebook, I've been able to share in their successes, new cars they love, new relationships / spouses / children, new jobs, and it's great to see what is becoming of the kids I once new as they grew up. Just like sharing small disagreements can make the bump in the road bigger, I think sharing positives can make the appreciation more profound.

But even the positives can be over done. I think when positives start being posted just to receive likes, it can start to turn into narcissism. I want people to know the things that really mean something to me, I want their admiration to be for something that already has meaning to me. I don't want to appreciate something just because others admire it, if it doesn't start out positive in my heart I don't want it to become positive to me just because it gained your admiration.

This post has no real intention, I just saw this meme and it got me thinking... I've shared some stuff on Facebook recently because things in my life are changing, I try not to bash anyone, but it can be difficult to try and let people know what's going on or how your feeling without just coming out and saying it. To all my circle of friends, just know that if I put it on Facebook, it is something I'm willing to share (just maybe not detailed on FB), so you can always feel free to call, text or message me if you want more info or you just want to reach out in support or congratulation.

Wow this post got long, this is me jumping off soapbox..

[CT1118]

CT, thanks for the support.. I'm not all that tough, just got my confidence and self worth back, it allows me to make decisions without fear of losing her, so it's a lot easier to do the right thing now.

That confidence and self worth removing fear and leading to a fresh perspective is precisely the tough I was referring to. Its been a long journey, and still longer yet, but you get it; to me, that's being tough.

I agree w/ your FB comments FWIW. Mine is pretty much just pictures of me doing awesome things with my son, or regular things...but all positive.

[Coconut]

Something she said last week just keeps eating at me...

referring to her having to quit the FD in order for me to even consider working on M, she said that she "would need to give up pretty much everything"...

I just can't shake my disgust at that statement... She's throwing away our M of 8 years, known each other for 11, our dream house, all of my family who are disgusted with her, her 25 year friend, me not getting to live with my son, or my dogs... But having to walk away from FD which she's only been doing for 5 or 6 months would be walking away from pretty much everything...

I didn't even respond to the comment, but it occasionally runs through my head and really bugs me. I honestly don't know if I really want her to quit the fire department, because I really don't know if I have it in me to try and save my M to such a selfish person.

[SH_]

C-nut,

May I offer a slightly different Perspective?

I am reading that there is quite a bit that is eating at you....

You are contemplating on some very big life decisions....
You have been emotionally hurt by all that has transpired in you MR....

The anger and bitterness is eating at you....
Rumination is settling in as a habit....
Google emotional first aid...watch the Ted Talk...

Try a 180 with your thoughts....
Go back over your posts of the past several weeks and 180 what you have written.
There is always benefit in seeing and trying to feel what the other person is feeling and experiencing.
This is not to say you should put yourself in her shoes and agree with what she has done.
But reaching a point of truly understanding what she feels can aid you.

I share this perspective as it has helped me calm the storm of anger towards my STBXW and her decisions....
Please don't misunderstand me
I still have the angry thoughts and short debates with the voices in my head, but when I move into her perspective, I am starting to feel her pain....
And this grounds me....
This is the goal to understanding my emotions and how too respond, not react, to forgive, not forget, to find peace, so that I know my decisions come from a place that will not create regret.

Just my 2c...

You have endured much...
You are discovering your awareness of your emotions and feelings...you can do what is right for you and maintain the love you have for her and find peace with both.