Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 4

[PsySara]

part 3 part 2 part 1

[PsySara]

To answer some questions that BluWave asked:

I haven't seen that he is truly remorseful and regretful of his actions and that he is willing to do whatever it takes to save your M. I am not sure he ever reached that point, did he?

Regret, yes, he regrets the consequences of his actions. He regrets how bad it makes him look. But he has never really shown true remorse. I am not sure he is capable of it honestly.

You seem to feel better when you step back from him, lose expectations, and stop the R talks. So perhaps that can be your goal right now? I think the rest will fall into place over time.

I do better when I don't interact with him. But if he is starting to repeat old behaviors which will lead to another affair then I can no longer be married to him. There is only so much disrespect I am willing to take and this a line in the sand. He really didn't seem to "get it" last night when I told him that he was again showing very poor boundaries. Instead he is angry and defensive, the same exact thing when the first affair came to light.I just don't have it in me to be the female equivalent of cuckolded again, I have more dignity than that. He called this morning and I didn't answer, I was busy getting the clothes ironed for the kids this week as well as myself. I plan on taking the kids out to a friend or family member again today. Yesterday we spent the day at a friends and they came home exhausted and happy. I want to see if I can take them swimming today and I am waiting to hear back from my mom.

Today I signed up for a free online communication device called TalkingParents. It makes sure all arrangements and coordination of divorced parents is done through the written format and can make things much smoother while separation and divorce occur. It also can be used afterward to ease coordination without having to talk directly or text. It requires both parents to sign up to be activated so he should be receiving that today via email. I would call this the LRT but most likely divorce is inevitable. I just don't like the idea of being married to him anymore, the thought of wondering if he is cheating on me again just makes me completely unwilling to consider a future with us. At least if we divorce it will be just him screwing someone but not cheating on me.

[PsySara]

So...some dramatic changes from WH all of a sudden. He texted me a few times basically asking...pleading to have a talk with me. I texted back that I would listen but had nothing to say. Well he called and was speaking very quickly and sounded out of breath. He said he was doing some hard thinking after I sent him the link to assist in communication between separating/divorcing parents. He said he has examined himself very deeply and he realizes how very serious I am about this divorce. He knows I am completely detached from him and it's all his fault. He said he has spent a year putting me through hell and he has been utterly unfair to me. He said he wouldn't blame me one bit if nothing he said or did at this point could change my mind. What he did request is I wait two weeks until he gets to my state to start the process and he will do whatever I ask in the meantime. He said he understands why I was upset about him going to eat ice cream with some nurse. He said initially it was supposed to be a group of people but two other nurses changed their mind at the last minute and didn't show. He said he should have cancelled the moment he realized he would be alone with another female.

He said he dug very deep and realizes he feels nothing for the OW anymore and he felt she couldn't hold a candle to me. He basically begged me to give him one last chance and he would do anything to fall in love with me. HE also said he would do whatever it took to rebuild my trust, no request would be out of limits.

I was quiet for a long time and said I felt he had his chance and he blew it, especially last night. I told him his words were meaningless and he had made these promises before. (granted never with this sort of desperation) I told him I was still moving forward with the separation process but he was welcome to try whatever he thought would work. He asked if he could still facetime with the kid sin the evening. I told him I would never get between him and his children, that I never thought he was anything less than a good father. Again he went on a stream of talking saying how he was a horrible husband to me and I deserved better, that he wanted to be better. I told him he should always strive to be better, divorce or no divorce. I told him to continue working on himself so he could be a healthy partner for whomever he partnered with in the future. He profusely thanked me and said he would call and text me even if I didn't respond, that he wanted me to know I was in the top of his thoughts. Again he said the OW meant nothing to him anymore and he was glad to no longer even really think about her.

While I didn't close the door completely I did leave very little space for him to squeeze through. I am to the point that I just can't care about saving this marriage anymore. To say I am fatigued is putting it mildly. I have permanent heart damage from this fiasco, I have a ton of grey hair, I've lost weight I can't gain back no matter what I try. I know I should feel...something but I am just numb at this point. I guess I will just sit back and observe. I am still getting my ducks in a row because I am expecting him to drop the ball and start eye balling other women.

[Altair]

Of course. The second you are really done, is when he gets desperate. Argh!
Regardless, let him suffer for awhile. And oh, THREE nurses for ice cream is better than one?

[Rose888]

Sara, I don't even know what to say. So I'm just going to sit here on the bench with you for a moment.

[PsySara]

LOL Altair, not all the nurses were female. :P

[Altair]

Lol PsySara. I thought he might be casting a wide net

[BluWave]

True to form. When the LBS has truly had enough and gives up, the wayward senses it and does the 180. Same game, different players.

(((Sara)))

Sigh. Oh my, you must be getting tired of his game by now. I mean really, you already have 3 children, you don't need a 4th now, do you?

Yet you seem so strong and are handling yourself impressively well. Protect your heart! Continue forward.

Actions over words. And at this point, consistent actions over time; he really has his work cut out for him. I think his work must start with a motivation to change, but for himself, and that may take time. All the promises and pleading do not guarantee he is ready to do the hard work of piecing.

We are here for you. I have no doubt you will be fine no matter what happens in your sitch. And really, nothing has to even happen or change right now at all.

(((Sara)))

-Blu

[maybs]

As Rose said, I don't really have anything by way of advice for you but I'm here for you! (((Sara)))

[Cherry]

Great advise from blu, and I second it.

You really are so strong, and I have every faith that you will be fine either way. Sending lots of positive vibes for you and the little ones. But I agree actions over the words. If he is serious, he needs to put in a LOT of work!