Being back is just so hard. Today I had to leave the house so I can cry. And now I cannot stop the tears. I guess it's all those feelings I've been bottling up for weeks and weeks, or I'm having some sort of episode. I want to ask him to leave, I don't want to be alone any more. I don't know what I want.
I'm out for a coffee, I got my kindle with me so planning to do some reading. It's just so hard reminding myself why I should put up with his distance.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Breathe! You've had so many feelings/emotions bottled up for a very long time and now that you are back home, in a safe environment, you've let them go. It's okay...cry as much as you need to in order to get it out of your system and hopefully feel a bit less stressed.
There's a saying here "when in doubt, do nothing". If you aren't sure what you want to do, then sit on it until you are less emotional. Not saying that you do this, but many of us when we are emotional do things that we later regret.
Whatever you decide to do, we will support you. Please know that we love you and will be here no matter what.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Esame, First of all a bit belated congrats on the 5k! I was sorry to read that you are having such a hard time. It was not easy for you to keep appearances in front of everyone it takes a strong person to do that & for so long on top of that.
It's understandable that you had difficulties to sleep. And how hard it must be to be back. Cry as much as you can, it helps me a lot, just don't do that in front of your h- you did well to leave the house. Like others said before, I would also not give him a letter or discuss your feelings. They take everything so negatively.
I understand how much it hurts you not to be able to share with him. It's the same for me, especially if it's about what kids did/said. But I learnt from my mistakes. I don't share anymore even if I have a strong urge to do that from time to time (less & less frequently...). When I told him once that our son was disappointed about him not coming to his room to say hello when he was in the house and that I'm only telling him so he can apologise to him next time he sees him not to further damage their relationship. He told my son "I'm sorry I didn't come to say hi to you last time I was here but things between your mom & me started to escalate so I had to leave fast before it got worse"...(!!!) And a week later in one of the fights over e-mail he told me I turned kids against him (he did not contact them at all & only saw them twice a week). Let me tell you, that cured me from my desire to help him with his relationship with them...
It's not easy to live with an MLCer but I would really think it through, from all possible angles, before taking any action. You have too much on your plate right now & are very emotional (understandably so) so it's better to avoid rush decisions. Could you go somewhere just by yourself for a day or two? That's what I did, left the kids with h, felt really guilty about it but I really needed to take a break from it all. All I did was sleeping the whole weekend! Accumulated tiredness from many sleepless nights. I slept like a baby & it helped me to stabilise myself.
As you probably know, at the end I did ask my husband to leave (a few weeks after I came back from the weekend) & I'm quite happy with that decision but sometimes I think that it might "help" leading into sure divorce. Maybe not but there is the doubt in my head. I also have to add that I'm financially independent from my h so he could not blackmail me with cutting support (though he tried).
Thank you so so so much for your help and support. I could not continue in the silence so I did send the email. I know it goes against DBing, but for the last 9 months I have waited for some sort of explanation and every day he becomes angrier and more distant. I am aware that I cannot get through to him, but everything else I've tried failed. I cannot live a lie, and if I'm honest my mental health is too fragile for his games and distance. His response? He asked for a few days to digest the information and that we would talk on Saturday. So today is apparently the day I will get the "brutal truth" (his words) but in my opinion all that's going to happen is that he will go. I don't thing he has the decency to be honest, so I don't expect anything. If anything I'm curious as to what junk he will come up with today. One thing is certain, that I have been happy before him so I know I can be happy again after.
Sorry I have not been posting much, every time I think about the situation I cry, and I'm trying to hold it together. My two year old was asking for daddy yesterday and it crushed me. The other thing that worries me is that I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth any more. What kind of relationship can I have with that person now?
Again, thank you for your support, it really means the world to me.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
You did what you needed to do for yourself. Just please don't expect much of it & don't believe everything what he says. Remember that he needs to justify his actions to himself and that the "brutal truth" is his truth and the truth he believes in at this moment. & that is if he does talk to you about it - I had several e-mails with "let me reflect on it & I'll come back to you" or "we'll talk about it when I come over" and it never happened (which now I know was better for me).
So, good luck today, be strong and if the conversation will take place divide everything he says by 10 (not sure it means something in Enghlish but we have that expression which means 1 out of 10 things is true the rest is exaggeration).
Whether the conversation takes place or not remind yourself of what you said: "I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth...". I'm sure you know what I want to say by it. Keep strong! X
Ditto what Bee said. No one's going to beat you up for sending the e-mail; advice is yours for the taking, but ultimately your choice. And DB "rules" are guidelines...different people are affected by different actions. You are writing your own story.
How many times have I written about feeling the need to "make clear my feelings" once again to my H only to have him stand and stare silently...sadly, back? I am starting to realize that that look was probably hopelessness and despair. That he felt I would never be able to move away from my anger and hurt. Mindreading on my part, but I know it hurt him each time I told him he broke my heart.
At least by sending your e-mail, you will know you expressed your feelings and point of view. You can re-read it when you feel you need to say something in the future, and remind yourself that you already did it. You will be able to say its all on him now; I don't need to say more.
You are doing an amazing job of moving through this. We do what we have to do to pack up or drop our baggage and move forward. There are few MAJOR mistakes to be made if made with informed good intentions. We try, we fail, or...maybe, possibly put a chink in their MLC armor that leads to a gradually growing crack that eventually causes it all to fall away one day. Who knows? But at least you've done something to help you move forward.
Keep going.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
If you gotta cry, then cry. I've spent hours doing it myself. I never thought I had that many tears in me, but here we are in a situation we'd never thought we'd be in.
My two cents - something else I'm just recently learning. I realized when my W went on one of her MLC rants, somewhere towards the end of her crazy blah blah blah were bits of confession - real stuff about herself. At least that's what I thought it was at the time, it seemed more like the real her than all the other crazy stuff that I knew was nonsense ("When you proposed to me, I was already moving on. I just married you because it was the next logical step.")
I was lurking on other threads and according to job MLCers will do this quite a bit actually. When let on a roll, they will admit to things without realizing it. So, when your H starts rambling, look for the occasional bit of truth in there. It may be an acknowledgement about himself and the true unpleasantness of the situation he's in.
Keep going. Take your time. Hang in there.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
We did have the talk, and I did get a version of his "brutal truth". It was more of the same, how our relationship was based on lies and how he mainly went along with things to not upset me and everything that he felt guilty about, like pretending and lying etc etc etc. The worse part was that according to him, he has tried for a long time to stay and that he is done, he wanted out. I explained that enduring is not trying and that it can be different now that we are on the same page. Now that I know. He said he was done, so I asked him to leave, but that he could first spend the day with the kids and then pack and go at night. While he was out with the boys I stayed home and cried a little but I didn't feel as bad as I thought. And then MIL called, MIL that had her last session of chemotherapy that same morning. And even though I wanted to protect her and went along with the lies she understood that something was wrong and I ended up telling a woman that had just had chemo that her son decided after three kids that he wants out. And she was so supportive that I will always feel grateful to her. And I will always feel guilty for not holding on a few more days before telling her the truth. Something amazing happened though, MIL got through to me, and calmed me down. And I realised that it might be over, but it's not over for me, and that I'm not done trying. So I called him and told him that I am going out, but that he's doesn't have to go that night. And when I came back I made a joke about how in my family we don't divorce men, we bury them, and he laughed (even though he thinks I'm planning to poison him or something) and I told him that he doesn't have to try, but I will continue trying. Because I feel very sorry about how he feels about what we've been through, but if things were that bad one of us should be in a mental institution. Either him for being a sociopath that lied for so long, or me for being a delusional fool that lived in a permanent hallucination of some kind. So in a way, I'm starting DBing all over again. On my own. But I somehow feel calm about it, didn't cry any more and even though I have zero expectations I think I just got Cadet's description of the "gift of time" once again.
I guess I'm crazy for sticking to it, and maybe I am delusional to make someone that claims to have been struggling to enjoy my company for years stay with me even longer. But as I told him, he claims he tried for so long, what makes him think that I will give up just after a few months?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, You are not crazy for wanting to stick to it. You've got lovely children and a long history w/this man. You love him. So, get back to the DB basics, no more relationship talks, since you now know where he stands on the relationship and continue to move forward. It's going to be one step forward two steps back, but I know you can do this.
I'm glad MIL has finished up chemo. I think the two of you have a very special bond and you both will support each other in the days ahead. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
Esame, you are stronger than you think. You can do this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Esame, I'm glad that even after that talk you are still standing. I am trying to stay true to moving on but with the door cracked open ideal, and your story (as well as others on these boards) gives me strength. I don't know why, but maybe because your talk with your H was so similar to my own; even what your H said about "trying" (but really just enduring) and then being done. I'm happy you are so close to your MIL and that even though she has her own battles to fight, she was still supportive of the you after hearing the news. You are a rockstar for not giving up.
I have a mediation tomorrow and it will be the first time I have spoken to H since July 29; the first time I will have seen him since a week before that. I will be remembering you and your last sentence of your post for the strength to smile at him and be happy and peaceful when I see him.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
