Was his text question in regards to the kids? Or for you, due to the rough chats of late?
My thought was to reply tomorrow, because he does not get to act like the back end of a horse and then ask you if "all is well?"
Yes, do share updates on the children.... This is what makes you a good mother and respectful of your children's father. Do this like clock work.... But do not respond to temp check questions.
It is well past time for him to stop with the blabbing about OW and the temp checking with you.
To be honest I really dislike the invention of text messaging. It is a losers way of communicating with our love partners........when we know we aren't man enough to do it in person..... What would he do 10 years ago when trying to temp check?
Um....er... sorry bout that...kinda got carried away on a soap box there....
Anywhooooo......just some food for thought on sticking with your value system of sharing how the kiddos are doing, but not giving him anything more till he can man up a bit.......
Still baffles me how a man can do what he did and then carry on about it with you like a love sick teenager......I mean c'mon now someone hand me a 2x4....and when I say 2x4, I mean the kind you get over at Home Depot........
There I go again......
Sara!
Have a peaceful night my dear. You are a kick azz, stand up, helluva woman! I can't wait to see the rewards your gonna enjoy after all that you put into this. I just know in my heart in the not so distant future you are gonna be standing in a place that many will envy....and it's because you put in the work and fought like he!! for every inch of success you will have.
(((((SuperSara)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Tonight I saw some suspicious activity on the Friend Finder app, WH knows we have this. I texted him and he was acting a little weird so I requested an immediate call. He called 10 minutes later and to cut to the chase, he was at Dairy Queen with a nurse (she is divorced and has a child that WH bought a very expensive gift for) alone. Well, her kid was there but that means squat to me. WH and I had discussed at length that he should avoid being with women alone as he has poor boundaries.
Of course the conversation was more of him being defensive and rude and I maintained a calm, detached attitude. He basically said he was thinking of leaving me and was going to decide when he came in October to live here whether or not he was going to file. I told him I was okay with that, that I would go ahead and contact a lawyer and begin the separation paperwork so when we can divorce (in December) it won't be a long, expensive process. He basically gave curt, angry answers while I remained calm and reasonable. I don't think he expected me to be this collected. He didn't want me to hang up but he was being extremely rude and yelling so I told him I was disconnecting the call.
I think I'm done guys. I've been DBing my heart out and WH has made it crystal clear he is not willing to do the real work to reconcile. Just crossing the MAJOR boundary of being alone with a divorced nurse is proof enough that he is still extremely wayward. He is not interested in rebuilding trust. He is just interested in rug sweeping and doing only superficial changes. He told me pointblank that he only cared about the kids and was not really interested or motivated in restoring us. He says he has to force being around me, is uncomfortable in my presence and feels very conflicted about having a future with me. DBinng is about really listening to another person and after a year of him saying the same thing, I am listening. More importantly, I have been observing.
It's so ironic that he's finally moving down here in October, something I was begging him to do since he had the affair. Now that he is coming home it feels as if this marriage is beyond reprieve. He still does not respect me and he still does not own what he did, what the enormity of his actions were, when he had the affair. What more proof do I need than him doing what he did tonight? I already looked up a good divorce lawyer and requested a consult about in-house separation so we can get our ducks in a row before December. That way when I file it won't be a long, expensive process. I mean it will likely be costly but hopefully this will cut down some of the expenses.
I am so very tired, my friends. I was able to stay in control tonight, something I would not have been able to do before DBing. There would have been begging and trying to convince him he could save this marriage. But if he believes he can't do what it takes, who am I to challenge that? Even my DBing coach said to stop encouraging him to try and save the marriage, that maybe my WH didn't have what it took. So I am letting go of the rope completely. Unfortunately I think I am giving up, my endurance is gone. I was hoping I would be a success story when it came to saving my marriage but it looks like I couldn't endure. I did manage to save myself so...there's that.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara you are a success.... The story is not over for you and your children.... The ending is just going to be different than potentially scripted. I can imagine that you are feel existed and without endurance... But my dear sweet Sara, please do not lose hope....do not give up. When I say this, I mean hope in what tomorrow brings, what next week brings, what your future brings. Things are being pushed in a direction....you are allowing it to happen...this is still DBing. You are still a hero to many of us that have watched you go through the rounds.... Don't drop your guard just yet.... Don't throw in the towel.... Simply do not absorb any more blows in this fight.
You have trained to have the endurance needed..... Stay focused on you now. Those children The good things tomorrow brings.
I am here for you.... I have walked the path of knowing that the D process would proceed... I have felt like giving up.... But I am not.... You will not... You will understand what I share here with you once you can rest between this round and the next and then get back in the ring to fight for you and your children.
The D is not the end....it is just a door closing....there are many other doors awaiting to be opened.
I pray for you and your family to have peace this night. You have earned it my dear Sara.
(((((Sara)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Sara, I am so sorry to hear this! I feel so bad about my previous post now.
I don't think your H will ever do better than you. That eejit has no idea what he has just lost. But when he does, Sara, I can only imagine the excruciating pain he will go through. When he realises that he's given up a grade D diamond for cheap and poor quality cubic zirconias.
Your H sounds very damaged. He seems to be looking for women who are not as accomplished or strong as you are, probably to boost his ego so that he can be a knight in shining armour. Your H has a long and painful journey on his own.
Sara, ditto what SH said. You are a success. You held your head high, and you fought so hard. You have fought a good fight. And like SH said, D is just a D. Your path may cross with WH in the future, and by then he may have his head out of his arse.
My lovely, strong, sexy and sassy Sara, we may not believe in the same God but we share so many of the same beliefs in M. May my God and your God bless and comfort you and your little ones, and give you comfort, peace and light in your journey ahead.
Good thinking on lawyering up and getting your ducks in a row.
((((Sara))))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I'm sorry to hear this Sara and I can understand why you feel so tired and dispirited. What I would say is your sitch with your H has been pretty active in recent months with many ups and downs - hopeful, not so much, more hopeful, not so much etc.
That is hard to deal with and you may want to step back from some of that and not engage with him so much on R talks. At this point, as you say, he seems to want to be in touch with OPs and isn't maintaining healthy boundaries. That's not great for your M.
However - and this is really important - I would give yourself some time before making big decisions about your M. You just found out this additional disappointing piece of information and you feel let down, hurt and hopeless. I don't think it's best to make big decisions when we are feeling that way. Many times I have followed the 'if in doubt do nothing' advice - see how I feel in a couple of weeks - I don't need to do this right now - and so on.
Your H reminds me of the XH of a friend from my D group. Again, he's a highly educated and successful guy with a great XW and lovely family. However, there was some brokenness there and he seemed to need contact and validation from OPs. He was pretty much in constant touch with some OP or another and didn't seem to be able to manage without that. Your H may not have this to the same extent, but there's an element there.
It's avoidant behaviour I think....avoiding looking within and facing yourself...
My advice would be to withdraw. Say to yourself - I'm not doing anything or having R talks for the rest of Sept. I'm going to give myself a break from this and from him and just live my life for a couple of weeks - a DB holiday - recharge a little. Leave him to do and go wherever he wants with whichever D'd nurses...
After this, you can see where you're at and how you want to move forward from there.
(((((Big hugs))))) xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Maybe you need to back to basics Sara. It looked like at some point you were piecing your marriage but now take the focus of your H and the marriage and as Sotto says withdraw and build your strength back. When he comes home in October you will need to be strong enough to deal with whatever is to come....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Ugh lovely lovely lady, I hate that you are going through this. I don't like the similarities of our sitches, because I can identify with you so much, and by that I mean I literally feel the pain for you. There's similarities between our wh- same culture and same inability to lower their gaze, they both also seem to seek company in women opposite to us, weak women with bags of issues, daddy issues, single moms etc. Maybe they do prefer that so they can feel stronger- caring for those damsels in distress, problem solving for them. We on the other hand are different, we are way stronger than our wh, we feel the pain but don't allow it to break us, we don't want to give them that satisfaction, it spurs us on to be more determined to survive and thrive and be the best person we can be for ourselves and our children. You, like me also dealt with this in pregnancy, and it can be isolating and bitter sweet. Those appointments alone, seeing couples- it's tough, but you did it, and you did it amazing!!
Grl, he hasn't thrown away a diamond to get a cheap zirconia. He's thrown away the most beautiful precious rare cartier, and found a dirty rock covered in barnacles! Yep, he will realise, and the pain will be immense for him. No one wants to throw something so special away for a downgrade!
I think you should get your streaks and the Botox done. I'm a big believer in doing what makes you feel better. I take pride in looking after myself, a little superficial- but a pamper cheers me up.
I agree with other wrt taking some time to withdraw and focus on you. Prepare yourself for whatever may happen. Certainly doesn't stop you preparing things. The consultation with a good L is a good idea, I found one of the best D L's in the country and made a consultation with him, found out where I legally stood, what to expect, and one of the best points was as I had already consulted with him, wh couldn't use him due to conflict in interest. Do your budget planning and make sure you're prepared for if a D is to happen. Then it's just sitting there ready to spring into action if needed. Like me, you probably realise it won't make too much difference in a way. We have been living as single mama's for so long, it's second nature.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
As the others have said already, you are strong, you are a success in DB principles, and you are moving forward despite where this road takes you. Fortunately for you and your children, your life with your children will be beautiful with or without WH in it. I don't think we can say the same for him at this point. I would like to put a different spin on this, as I don't see that a lot has actually changed and I think you are putting pressure on yourself to make a decision.
I see that here a lot; LBS feel some sense of relief in stating that they are done, they have given up, and they definitively announcing that it's over. I think the relief comes in a sense of power that you have more control over your life if you are no longer trying to "win" the S back. If we know we don't want them anymore, then our heart is protected because we have been the one to decide. When in reality, I don't think much has changed. You see, I don't view DB as a way of winning S back, but more of a way of life. This way of life serves 2 purposes. 1. it increases the odds that the S will come back, and 2. more importantly, it encourages us to look inside and focus on ourselves to be a happier and better person (with H or in our next R). I actually think it has improved my Rs with friends and family too because I have healthier boundaries and expectations of people.
So the reason I don't know if you are ready to decide to give up is because we have yet to see H do what he needs to do to enter piecing. It's hard to make that choice without the information. I think for piecing to have a solid chance, the wayward has to do several things, which includes remorse, transparency, and a willingness to work on himself. Your WH understands intellectually that As are wrong, that you are a good woman/mother, and that he should make this work. I haven't seen that he is truly remorseful and regretful of his actions and that he is willing to do whatever it takes to save your M. I am not sure he ever reached that point, did he?
But this is not to say that he won't get there some day. Even tho a year feels like a very long time to you, in this crazy world, it isn't. Some of us have been on this coaster for years. So while that feels unreasonable, if the majority of that time can be spent on self love, self growth, and an investment in healthy Rs (with children, family, and friends) well then this time is precious and nothing has been lost! No time is wasted if your life has been filled with learning and love, with or without WH!
So my point in all this is that nothing has to change. Not today, tomorrow, or next month. Whether he lives here or there, you get to continue on your journey with your beautiful kiddos and a great job. You seem to feel better when you step back from him, lose expectations, and stop the R talks. So perhaps that can be your goal right now? I think the rest will fall into place over time. All the legal and financial changes are just on paper, they don't actually bring relief or happiness, that comes from within.
(((Sara & 3 beautiful children)))
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You have once again expressed so very eloquently and precisely DB principles as I believe and feel them in my heart. You get it.
Sara, Read Print read daily what Blu has shared with you here.
You have practiced and mastered much of DB because of your tenacity and courage to push forward. Take pause now as the one element I and others have expressed throughout this fight was that you have never truly reached the stage of piecing. Your WH has talked opportunities into existence and you have taken the chance to steer the fight for your MR in that direction.... So as with any good prize fight, because that strategy did not show effectiveness, do not drop your guard or throw in the towel. That may seem the way to stop the blows of pain right now.... But the regret of tapping out will haunt you for much too long... It is better to lose the fight by a split decision after 15 rounds, then to throw in the towel...... I apologize if boxing references are not your thing...
But my point is, Change of approach now is better than giving up.
As I was asked many times.... Does a D really change your current circumstances?
So give Blu's advice a chance. How about you really apply the LRT with full energy now as that is where you will get your second wind and energy to push to the end of this fight. Trust me on this one. LRT has saved me in this regard. Take it to the end where one of 2 things happens. A knockout OR a judges split decision.
You will hold your head higher and know you gave it your all this way.....
Dont toss in the towel.... Regret is a much more painful partner to be stuck with than the confidence that you left everything in the ring......
(((((Sara)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I agree with Sotto and Coly. What I have observed on this forum, IMO, is that females have a higher tolerance of putting up with the ridiculousness of a WAH. LBH's react somewhat different and are viewed as weak from the WAW/WW because the WAW has lost the feeling of the chase and passion from the M.
The LBW's are more compassionate and can use their sex appeal and many other tools they have to attract their H's back. I have read many posts where the WAH feels guilt when physically separated from their Ws.
Either way they are all in a fog and fairytale.
It is harder for the LBS to show the WAS the 180s we have done when physically separated.
I respect all the 37 rules and information provided by this site and truly appreciate all the support from great people we have met.
I also respect and have learned a lot from the DB coaches I spoke with.
Many times there are contradictory/opposite thoughts on how to handle the sitch that each person has. Do things that are counterintuitive, don't go down cheeseless tunnels, etc.
With every M, the ideal state would be a vibrant life for the entire family. Well everyone knows that is not possible as no one is perfect and can carry the burden for the other S to make that happen yet those on this forum continue to try to make changes on their end to attract the WAS back.
I can tell you from my POV that I will continue to do 180s and go back to in house separation with my STBX if possible because I never recognized that is what I had over 10 months ago.
DB coaches continually say things are not black and white. So if we put a date/deadline on things and/or can't add some of our own craziness to the sitch then IMO there is no hope for the M.
Patience and time is key to our sitches. You are a strong woman who I continue to follow due to your perseverance. You work and handle 3 small children and have to put up with crazy!
I will continue to pray for you to have the strength and courage to get through this.
((((((Sara))))))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
