Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[Mach1]

Door....that is what I need to see.....Why is it my whole life I am standing and staring....not sure what the door is that I want...or must.....walk through.....What I want to be when I grow up....what is my calling in life.....who is it that I must serve to make it all have meaning?

uhhhhh....I shake a bit as I let that thought pass through.....That is one of the big demons that stands in my path.......the big one that kept me frozen in complacency in my career....my social circle....my direction in life....my MR...in my actions with my W.....it is a fear that I can not put a shape around.....How do I defeat the demon in my head with no shape?

Your answers to those questions, ALL lie within yourself...

Most think that they have the answers, seek the answers, fear the answers....

Truth is....???

The answers are inside of them already...

Most have just been asking the wrong questions....


Whether you think that you can, or cannot....you are correct ............ Henry Ford

How do I conquer self???

One step at a time, one minute at a time, one door at a time, one monster at a time....

Change how you think, change how you grow...


Google a 'Chinese Bamboo Tree'...

Lemme know what you think...


I am going to be out of town on Vaca for the next week....I will check in on ya...

Prolly better if you pulled that other thing though...

[Phoebe]

Hey there, Super Human!! i'm just stopping by to say hello.

I definitely recognize that my non-sleep pattern is unhealthy in all kinds of ways. Being a night owl (or not) is one thing, as long as it's a consistent pattern. What I'm doing lately is a genuine problem. Last night I managed to get to bed by midnight or 1, so I am aware and working on it.

Later, Gator!!

A bit of levity in trade for a lot of brevity.

[SH_]

Grl!

So lovely of you to drop by...
Inverted pole position eh?!
I'm gonna need proof of this before you move on to other GAL then if thats what is going on here....
Proof I say!
I'm planning on swinging over to your neighborhood as it will be mine soon...to say hi and see if I can coax you out of exile...
I miss ya around here.
I hoe you are doing well.

Phoebe, hope your day was a fun one, and I hope you are sleeping as I type this.
(((((Phoebe)))))

[SH_]

Mach1, again your words are those that I need to be reminded of....
Very in tune you are.

I do know that what I need is inside of me....
Mustering up the courage to face that which I am, see that who I am meant to be, and then...believe, learn, do, fail, learn more, do more, hope, persist, be, and do more....
Embrace the process.....
Focus forward, live in the moment, cherish the past.

Yes, I have long believed that I could not....and I was right.
I am doing that which I must to believe that I can......so I will....

Yes, the Chinese bamboo tree
This is a very good example and one that applies to all the success that I study....
The time it takes is definitely where many give up...I have given up in the past...but now I see time is the gift, persistence without the immediate reward is key.
Faith!
The ingredient I have long been challenged with having...but now it is all I have to keep me going.

45 years to understand this lesson....many habits must fall as I progress in this journey.
Many habits WILL fall.

Mach my friend, Enjoy your vaca time. I hope the you experience much joy and fun.

The other thing has been liked....
A pleasure to read again.

Quick journaling.

I am coming out of the head cold feeling better, just a bit tired.
The week has ended and a busy one it has been.
Plans with a friend fell through, but I guess it all worked out as I was feeling without much energy and D18 was out and about so rest was a welcome opportunity.
My list of to do's seems to grow...my wondering of what it is all for takes more time than I would like, but it is another of the habits I focus on trying to break.

D18 came home for a moment this afternoon and was worried as her mother had called her as she had been in a small crash while driving today. Fortunately she and D6 were fine.
But she was not happy as she just got the car back a couple of days ago from the repairs of the crash that ripped a hole in the door with the fire hydrant 2 weeks ago.

Now the news of this made me feel sad for her....
A different sadness ......One that led me to reach out to her this evening to see how she is doing.
She did not answer when I called.
She called me a couple of hours later and then quickly apologized and said, I did not mean to call you...I thought you left me a message and was trying to get your message.
I told her I had called to see how she was doing and to be sure she was okay.
She replied that she had been having a "sucky" month, to which I replied "I am sorry, I just wanted to be sure you are okay."
She then said I heard you were sick and asked how I was doing.
I replied that I was feeling better.
She said she needed to go in and get D6 from her brother as she had been out at a catering job. I asked if I could speak with d6 tomorrow. She said she would call so she could speak with me and then she wished me good night.

This is the first cordial conversation that I can recall in a very long time.
She called me.....

I feel this tug to try and help her....but I know there is nothing that I can do that would "help" her and more time is needed to pass, before the stage of being friendly would be a calm place.

For now, I have more pressing thoughts to ponder and plan from.
But it was pleasant to have a glimpse of her without the anger and bitterness poking their heads out.

Sleep well and I am praying that each of you finds the strength to do that which is needed for a better tomorrow in spite of the challenges of today.

The seed of the chinese bamboo tree spends five years under the ground with no growth whatsoever but in the fifth year it grows over 80 feet tall, have a little patience in life, your success might just be around the corner.- Dade Keshinro

[roist]

Yes to the bambo story. There is another image on the net that depicts this very well. A guy digging a tunnel and gives up and turns back. Another swing or two if his pick and he would have broken through to daylight. In such a tunnel what lies ahead is exactly what has gone before with no sign of a breakthrough until it happens.

I am glad D18 is getting out and about.

As for W's crash I have two thoughts.
1. Empathy is a good quality to have. You don't need to justify it. Maybe it is against DB protocol to have reached out. But to me you did so because that is who you are and not for any return. So that is OK. I may have said you AND D are OK when expressing concern. That is in accordance with h best DB practices BUT becoming a better and truer to self SH, makes priority IMO
2. The first accident was her fault........unless the fire hydrant jumped in front of her car! A second minor accident indicates lack of focus. This is common in stressed/depressed people. Now she could just have been unlucky, but I would put money on her being in a depression daze. Most people can function in this state albeit at a lesser capacity. You cannot fix this but be vigilante about when D6 is with her. I am not being alarmist but thought it worth mentioning. Any direct interference from you will nor be welcome nor helpful.So unless you feel there is danger for D6, observe from a distance

Have a good Sunday

[RosaLinda]

It is so nice that your wife responded cordially to your concern for her health, even if she claims she did not mean to call you.

In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with contacting her to check if she was okay, as long as you did it without having expectations that something would come of it. I'm so glad your little one is okay.

[Phoebe]

SH, I'm glad that you were able to have a normal conversation with your W. Hopefully, it's the beginning of a trend.

You remain in a very introspective frame of mind lately. I think that it is good to look within ourselves, but I urge you not to lose sight of the joy to be found in your days. I'm not seeing much said about doing things that you enjoy these days, or that you have discovered any new people or activities. Perhaps you are the yin to my yang when it comes to GAL? I can stand some slowing down, and perhaps you should get out there and try to enjoy yourself a little more? I wouldn't bother you on this if I heard some joy in your post, but if it's there, I'm not seeing it very well.

Go find something fun to do, my friend. Go for a walk in a park, get outside, go dancing, whatever tickles your fancy...

((((((((((Super Hombre))))))))))

[SH_]

Emotions come and go. Putting names to them helps to figure out what your brain is doing - we call them feelings. My counselor always asks 'What are you feeling today?' - he taught me what names I can put emotions to, so that I understand the emotion, and also can articulate WHY I felt that emotion.

If I follow my emotions, like my EX-WW, I will find cheeseless tunnels, row after row. I must stand by my BELIEFS, as anchors for my battleship at sea.

Knowing your feelings is like adding masts to the ship - I can raise and lower more sails - and batten down the hatches when times get tough, or raise more sails to put some distance on my route (aka - this feeling is GREAT! I want to be like this for a while longer!) My emotions will continue, but now I can CHOOSE to react (usually a bad idea) or make a calculated response... or no response at all.

My response is my responsibility. If you tell me that your response to your emotions is involuntary (hitting a wall, screaming, crying), it means you're letting the tail wag the dog. My response is my responsibility, always.

Another key - knowing your feelings, and articulating them, means you can share them with others! Example: "Hey, I had a great time with you, you made me feel really special - thank you!"

I used to believe people could read my mind - and understand I was happy or sad. People can't. Many blogs I read about Married life repeat that you can't mind read. SO true. Big mistake on my part with my EX-WW. But telling us NOT to mind-read is only a quarter of the way to helping the situation. You must learn how to tell people how you're feeling, not through involuntary reactions to emotions, but articulating them through descriptive words, naming them as feelings. That's another 25%; then the other half is finding courage to tell those we love how we feel, and also demonstrating how we feel (love) through actions... not just words.

I have learned much in the last year. I pray my EX-WW will someday learn the same. I truly pray for her every day. I can't change her, or how she feels. I can't even try to start teaching her this - it has to come from within - a desire to want something better. Unfortunately, she had many bad teachers in her life about feelings and emotions, and it would take years (me thinks) to get her battleship to turn around...

I can't fix her, I can only pray for her. That's part of detachings - the other part is making sure my ship is on the right course - and purposely working the ship to keep it on course. It's my responsibility. smile
_________________________

[SH_]

SH, I'm glad that you were able to have a normal conversation with your W. Hopefully, it's the beginning of a trend.

You remain in a very introspective frame of mind lately. I think that it is good to look within ourselves, but I urge you not to lose sight of the joy to be found in your days. I'm not seeing much said about doing things that you enjoy these days, or that you have discovered any new people or activities. Perhaps you are the yin to my yang when it comes to GAL? I can stand some slowing down, and perhaps you should get out there and try to enjoy yourself a little more? I wouldn't bother you on this if I heard some joy in your post, but if it's there, I'm not seeing it very well.

Go find something fun to do, my friend. Go for a walk in a park, get outside, go dancing, whatever tickles your fancy...

((((((((((Super Hombre))))))))))

Touche my dear friend....

I have been trapped in my head so to speak.....

I felt empty with my GAL activities over the summer, almost as if it was just a show to the world that I was okay or something....
I have slowed it down as something was not...well not sure what it was not.

I am actually in a more calm and place of joy of late, but there is a dark shadow that I am trying to head off...

But, your point is spot on...
I know it...
My d18 is hitting me up on it regularly....
A new friend here in the community has poked me with same thoughts....
He!! I just challenged a DB brother to share a post of joy....

I guess I am looking quite the hypocrite here...

Odd though, I do feel calm, at peace, I smile more, my time with D6 is pure joy and bliss, people that I interact with have taken notice and mentioned to me how well I am of late.....Many of these folks have no idea of what I am going through.
But something is missing....
Can't quite put my finger on it....

Yes, I must get out and go through the initial strain and pain of meeting new people and trying new things....

Phoebe, you are absolutely correct.

[CT1118]

SH_

Demons:

So now my focus is on my demons that I have held down for so much of my life.
I accept that I am an introvert. I have learned that there are many more introverts than I realized.
My goal is to adjust some bad habits that I have formed over the years due to my lack of understanding this, and trying to conform only to find it more difficult than it was worth.

I am text book, case study even, introvert. Amazing how much this can pain a life isn't it? Demons follow. You cannot change your introversion, but you can challenge it. I have been challenging myself for a while SH_, going out, speaking with strangers, approaching anyone, speaking with anyone, engaging in conversation randomly. I was amazed at how successful I was. I actually made a number of new friends. BUT, after months of this, I hit a wall in September. I have not gone out since September began. I felt an overwhelming desire t be alone (save with my son) and it has not gone away. After months of effort - poof! But, I am cool with that. I challenged myself a great deal. The demons became boring. I am spending time alone by choice, not by impulse.

The recharge feels good. In all that challenge, I too like you fell off from the amazing amount of things I was doing this summer. I tried new things, I tried things I thought I would like, but didn't and vice versa. I know the dark shadow you speak of - I always referred to it as The Demon in my mind - as if it were a person, like a proper noun. The Demon would take me at times, take me down, when I stood up to it, it was a useless as a child raising fists at an adult.

FWIW though, my insane effort to make real and lasting change took hold. I too feel a peace, but no longer like I am running. The demon inside me still exists, but I put it on a leash. It could still get loose, barks sometimes, but I am learning how to mend my own fences. As well, I have learned much here. Mach1 assisted a great deal as I see you receiving now; asks great questions that one. I too found a peace in all of this. I am not sure what for you does not feel right, other than the absence of the partner that you always thought would be by your side - I feel that loss as well. But in the past I used to want her around and sometimes want to know she was there, but not for her to speak with me - that was not a very good attitude in an R. Now, I feel comfortable alone and in my own space. It was important for me to get there, part of shining light on the demon (it is lower case now).

You can meet new people SH_. You can do it. As an introvert - plan, observe, mimic, learn, attempt, recover. That is what I did, its what we do best. I seriously watched YouTube videos on how to meet strangers because I was clueless. I will caution, I did take on many times doing what seemed most intimidating to me and also the greatest challenge to my introversion (why I did it)which was the blind approach to women in public places. I wanted to do this simply because it was so very intimidating, I never actually wanted to pick them up, otherwise I would not be at a room called Divorce Busters I suppose. But, for all of that I did have a few women ask me out in the moment and I felt like a jerk, because that is not what I was seeking. I never used lines, I never lied, just me not being afraid to talk, and being me worked for a few I guess. Realized I should have not been so naive, for me at 41 it was brand new, for others, I assume they had been talking to people their whole life??? Anyway, that was not what I wanted at this time for me and so I stopped. I do still make an effort with everyday people to say things they would not likely here from others, get them to smile, brighten days, be genuine with it. Maybe you can start there? Feels good.

Wish you well SH_ you have a whole lot of introspection. It is respectable.