Cherry.Papers filed "am I making a mistake".focus!

[AndrewP]

Zeus, that is genius! It's like a ticklist!! I also got the tales of him feeling suicidal. Maybe he does, or maybe he doesn't. Who the heck knows!

Cherry. I just wanted to drop in a note on this. Having been suicidal myself on this journey more than once (and being me) I've read up on it. Ask yourself honestly - is this just drama or a legitimate cry for help? I read somewhere (don't remember if it was a peer reviewed document or not) that the time between deciding to kill yourself and doing it can often be measured in minutes. I've experienced it myself. Reading about suicide on one of the web sites that actually helps you plan it out was very helpful - can't remember the link. What they wrote that had an impact on me wasn't about the emotional aspects, or about the impact on your loved ones, it was the fact that suicide was messy and often didn't work that helped pull me back from the brink. I got there because I was researching if overdosing on my blood pressure meds would do the job.

I remember after one of my first episodes when I contemplated driving my car at full speed into a train - telling W about it. Not to "get her attention", or "make her feel sorry for me" but out of honest concern about how far I had sunk and looking for help. She was horrified (family members had committed suicide) and got quite upset with me and begged me to not do it. It very much made no difference in our sitch and she's probably forgotten all about it or believed it was just drama. The earlier episodes were in many ways a "cry for help" where I felt that was the only way out for me and W. One later episode in August which had a lot of people here very concerned about me was just "darkness". I did cry for help here then and many people including yourself I believe answered the call for which I continue to be grateful. That time wasn't a fix, it wasn't to get attention, it wasn't even thought through very much. That one scared me most.

What I'm trying to say is that if there is a legitimate cause for concern about your H doing self harm that a human life is far more important than a MR or anyone's pride. If you have information on a local suicide prevention hotline or something similar perhaps see if you can give it to H and even perhaps program it into his phone. Having someone to reach out to when he's in that moment of crisis who won't judge and isn't involved may just save a life.

Hugs

[Cherry]

Andrewp, thank you for sharing this with me. Last night, I dunno, I guess I thought it was possibly drama. But watching him today, when he thinks no one is watching him, he is a deeply deeply depressed person.

You're right, this does go past pride or the M. I told him last night that he is the father of my children, and I worry for him for that reason. Today, I have been the lighthouse, again I think he expected anger or the cold shoulder from me today. He didn't get that. He got polite and civil. Even managed a convo about non R stuff. I made a big meal, as I always do on a Sunday. I asked if he wanted some with us now, or would he eat later. He said he would eat with us. It's not about persuing it's about politeness. It doesn't bother me either way really if he does or doesn't eat, but in treating him like a houseguest, I would offer food. Heck, I'm Latin, we feed everyone that passes by the house!

I will do some research, maybe ring my doctor and see what they would advise for assisting someone who feels this way. And this is all R feelings aside. If a stranger told me they were feeling suicidal I would step in, I'm maternal, I'm caring. I have felt depressed before, almost to that point but not quite, and I hate the thought that anyone could get to that point. Again, thank you Andrew for sharing your story and support

[Coly23]

Gosh Cherry, this is such a lot for you to deal with. AndrewP is right your H does need some professional help as soon as possible.

Take care of yourself and your little chicks Cherry we are all here for you...

[Cherry]

He does indeed. And thank you, it's hard to understand what has brought him to feeling this low. He has always had a loving supportive wife- love from his mum, his child, there's been no shortage of love so it's hard to understand

[Coly23]

So maybe he is having a tough time trying to reconcile the guy he has become with the guy he used to be. I can imagine he must carry a lot of guilt around with him knowing what he is doing to your family and that is why he can't bring himself to spend time with S and seeing your ever growing bump must be tough.

This adds a whole new dimension to the situation because it puts into question if he really in his right mind to be making such huge decisions like D. Would the courts take this into account?

[Cherry]

Yeah you are probably right. I don't think he would enjoy causing pain. The man he was certainly wouldn't he was the sweetest and would do anything to help anyone. He did express to me the other day of fears his decisions will result in him loosing his mum and child too. I do make the effort to speak to mil about being a bit kinder to him, but she can't bring her to. She hates that he is doing this, she's an adult at the end of the day- and I cannot control her thoughts neither. I do make the effort even when he hides himself away now to get S to go in and give his dad a kiss and say goodnight. Yes, he should be doing this himself (wh I mean), but at the end of the day- I don't want my S to be scared of his daddy and feel unloved.

I have thought that, surely you have to be of sane mind to agree to these things. He is now awaiting an appointment to see an ic. The only problem is he can be very good at lying . Last year, he had an appointment and he lied and said he felt fine, but was so obviously depressed. Now he is admitting it to me, and he's telling me the suicidal thoughts. But wether or not he discusses this with ic is a thing I don't know, and is also out of my control. He has now come to the realisation he has a problem with himself, this has been a consistent issue in his spew.

A lot of this is really and truly out of my control. All I can do is keep my side of the street clean. I'm carrying on taking care of me, S and bump the best I can. I'm focussed on improving myself and getting myself stronger. I avoid getting involved in any situation with him where I may feel anger. Yes last night I must admit I most probably was fairly irritable, but it was nearly 3am and he was angry and all over the board. And a month ago, I probably would have got angry and spewed myself. I do have more control over that, and there is a bit more detachment there than was there which certainly helps with regards to letting his moods dictate mine. I guess in a way it's being a lighthouse, not in the hope that it will bring him to his senses, but that's the kind of person I want to be. I want to radiate a happy person that shines, I want people to feel comfortable around me. I'm smart enough not to let anyone take advantage. But there is nothing wrong with being a good happy person, peaceful in a way that helps myself too.

[PsySara]

You are an amazing light house. You are definitely doing well with lovingly detaching, I wish I had been able to muster your strength during my pregnancy. I didn't find DBing until 2 months after the little one arrived, and not a moment too soon. I wish we were neighbors so we could sit on the porch like little abuelas and gossip.

[Cherry]

Sara, that would be a dream. I think we have plenty in common. I wish we didn't necessarily have so many of the bad things in common, but I find so many similarities in your sitch that I can relate to you. I think you do a great job! Do-big is definitely helping me become a better me, communication skills that can come on use every day.. I'm a very private person, but people always come to me to confide and ask advise, I do like that I must emit some kind of energy that means people can trust in me.

The detaching thing has took me a while this time, maybe it's all the hormones and changes within my body that's making it hard. Facing a pregnancy alone is quite tough, I have a lot of respect to women who do this alone. And also to be carrying the baby of someone you love who is leaving you is tough. But I'm focussing on my little ones. Aside from the sickness and the effects pregnancy seems to have on my body, I do love being pregnancy. It facinates me that two cells just divide and make a person. And I'm quite proudly walking with my head held high and my little bump becoming obvious. I'm way calmer now, I'm aware there's rumours in work. I've had a few gossips come to tell me they've heard things, I kinda don't care, I tell them politely that I don't care for gossip, it's none of their business, and that if they wanna question these things- go speak to wh.. I had this conversation with eh the other week, I told him about these people. He tells me it's just rumours, I quite frankly don't care. But he said tell them to go to him and say it. So I'll do just that.. I know full well they won't!

Again, it's taking the moral high ground. My side of the street is clean. I'm not getting sucked into the dramas- I'm here to do a job, get paid so I can do my best and make myself and my babies proud. I will not hide away. My head is up!

Finding myself now starting to look into baby things which is exciting.. looking at my budget (classing this as my own single income as it will be when he has d) and seeing what I really need. A few people in work have recently had babies so getting excited at doing it all over again. I know it'll be a bit tricky having a toddler and a newborn. But I do love the newborn stage.

[hawker]

I can't imagine having a little one and another one on the way and having to go through this at the same time! You have come along way and continue to detach well and you are a strong woman! Can I join you 2 on the porch and gossip? haha

[Cherry]

Of course, the more the merrier!
And thank you, I don't think I realised how strong I was, I've always been one to put myself down and dismiss when people give me compliments. Part of my db is to learn to love myself a bit more, accept compliments and be proud, not shy of my accomplishments.

Had a good day at work, oh so tiring- I feel like brain power exhausts me at the moment! Had a rather cringeworthy moment of a guy hitting on me today, telling me "how sexy" my body was (even with baby bump!) was an awkward moment where I didn't know wether or not to say that I'm married, I presume he knows- but may also have heard rumours. I thanked him for the compliment but said I didn't think it was appropriate! The attention from others may be flattering, even while pregnant, but I'm not in any way wanting the comfort of someone else, and also- someone that can hit on a pregnant married woman seems somewhat lacking in the kind of morals and values that are important to me.

Had eaten before wh came home. Not used to him coming home, nor wanting to eat with us. Was just bathing S as he came back. He seemed surprised we had eaten without him (I shall not overthink, nor try to understand why he thinks we would wait on him). He was cheery enough, so I just explained there was plenty food left in the kitchen. This of course is a luxury he will not have when he moves out. He hasn't lived alone before, I had for years before meeting him- and I know the loneliness and tiring feeling after a 12 hour day coming home to an empty house and needing to cook a meal.