Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[rich4j]

JK-

I totally understand the pull to the reconcile option and have heard it in your "voice/posts" for a while now

I would ask you this hard question that you can only answer " Do you want HER" or do you want "the family back together"

I ask only becuz I have asked myself the same question over and over and I don't have 5 kids! only 1. I gravitated towards wanting her back when the door was open a bit but I wans't being honest with myself. Reality was I wanted the family back and only her if I hit the time maichine and zapped her back 7+ years which ain't happening

Pls dont get yourself into a harder situation without being honest with yourself. If it is her , then go with it and just protect yourself but I would take such babysteps that you don't move anywhere and do it on your terms only

Take a 1/2 step validate, see how she is for a while then take another baby step. rinse repeat

[sandi2]

You make me nervous when you start talking like this, Jim.

When you said something about her possibly wanting to R, I didn't know it meant you would move up there.

My DB coach said that if I let fear control my actions though, I will not be able to have a healthy R with STBX so from that POV, I will have to take a chance also. I took that chance once when I first met STBX, no reason I cannot take it again. Letting go of the fear creates courage.

I agree about letting go of the fear, but what you've stated about taking a chance when you first met....and now, sounds a little whacky. Things were much different before you M and adopted 5 kids. You said yourself that she is NOTHING like the girl you M. So, I say whenever a person has been treated the way she's treated you......don't take too many chances the second time around.

I will have certain needs that need to be met though and if we cannot agree then it is not worth the move there.

Be careful about making any "deals" with her.

Not sure what her L will tell her but even if we did move up there and D'd there later, I know for a fact she has no plan (budget) on how she will survive.

You can't R, just to rescue her.

[J5K]

I don't even know how to respond anymore. I am truly touched by everyones concern for my well being and the boys well being.

I guess I just need to wait and see as Mach1 said.

How do you piece your M back if one continues to doubt their S?

Am I missing something?

I have read on others threads who jave started to piece and understand that ot is probably more difficult than working on you.

I guess I was looking for guidance so I dont do what I did in the past and act right away from my emotions. That is partially what got me here in the first place.

[Rose888]

I think what you are missing is how very far away your wife is from being where she needs to be for you to even think about piecing. And how bad it could be for your boys if you try to piece before she is truly ready.

If I were a man in your shoes and your wife asked to call off the divorce so we could work on the relationship, I would insist on following through with a legal separation agreement that specified the following:

* separate residences in the same town in the United States
* 50-50 custody
* she has to get a job working at least 20 hours a week
* she has to see an individual counselor weekly
* the two of you see a marriage counselor weekly
* reevaluate in a year

You need to legally protect yourself and your boys.

[mvgfwd2]

I think what everyone is saying is don't jump from where you are now to piecing, or even thinking of piecing. There is a lot in between. Your posts seem like you are looking too far down the road when there are a lot of landmines, potholes, construction, detours, etc. directly in front of you.

[mvgfwd2]

And I forgot the road rage from the other driver.

[J5K]

Ah! Ok, now I understand. Well Rose I can say that her living here will never happen again.

The most likely scenario will be she stays in TO and the boys and I stay in Michigan.

So we beat my post to a pulp now. I will stick to Mach's advice and just wait and see.

[PsySara]

Please don't make my mistake and allow your spouse back too quickly when/if she says she wants to piece. Watch the actions and not the words, otherwise you'll be stuck in this yo-yo ride that I am on with my spouse saying he wants to piece but in reality he is still WAS/WH. To piece both parties need to be 100% vested in repairing and rebuilding the marriage.

[J5K]

STBX calls yesterday evening and talks to the boys around 7pm.

The boys were playing on the playground outside and I went and gave them the phone. S4 did not want to speak with mommy.

She could hear me asking S4 to come to the phone but I was not going to force the little guy to talk if he did not want to. I tried 3 times to get him to hold the phone and he kept saying he is busy playing.

After I told her S4 is being difficult, she started to get short with me and said give him the phone and just have him listen so I can speak with him, I have not spoken to him the last two times (S4 does not really have any interest in living with STBX).

He finally came close enough where I handed him the phone and he said hello to her and then said I am busy, but I asked him to just listen to what mommy has to say quickly.

I know this may be a small thing, but STBX's tone changes quickly with me. She could hear me ask S4 3 times to come and speak with mom and each time she wants to continue to command me to do something. Well you know what, next time I need to address the issue differently with her because it is not my fault she does not call everyday and keep a bond with her kids. I will try once or twice, but if I start to hear that tone change in her voice I am going to politely tell her I made the effort and kindly say goodbye or come up with a better response to validate her feelings.

[J5K]

One more thing that is a positive for me and soon to be S8.

One of the boys mentions divorce again and my oldest sad daddy forgives mommy for her bad choices but mom wont forgive dad, we forgive dad, i don'know know why. Its too bad she won't.

Once he was done I changed the subject because I know how much it bothers him.

It made me kind of feel closer to him which has been a bit of a struggle. I also notice he smiles more when I hig and kiss him when I put him to bed at night.