Thank you job and sotto for your well wishes. This adventure is certainly taking me out of my comfort zone and a good exercise for me to put in to practice my new attitude towards life. I know if it does go wrong and things go sour (which I am having faith they don't and we have done enough work to be as sure as we can about reconciliation) then I will bounce back and I will be ok.
kml - thank you so much for voicing your concerns and worries about my decisions. You are the conscience in my head and I have thought about what you have said.
Originally Posted By: kml
I'm worried because you have worked SO HARD to gain some financial stability in your life. Your husband makes good money but he's still in debt, correct? In fact, part of the problem when you split was that there wasn't any real savings because of his poor money management. Now it sounds like he's pulling you along on another bad financial decision.
Thank you, I have worked very hard to get myself financially independent, stay out of debt and even save money, and its because of what I have had to do to achieve that that I wont be letting it go easily. Yes h still has some debt left, in the past year he has cut the debt he accrued after he left by 2/3rds , by selling, downgrading and saving to pay everything off, he has done extremely well to get it down to the small amount it now is. He has suffered for his mistakes and life stopped being lived to get it back on track, this caused a dip in depression, so he recognises that he needs to find a balance between paying down the remaining debt and having a life otherwise the depression will remain a cloud over his head.
This was my idea, I instigated this trip, at no point has he persuaded me to go along with it and he has made sure I have been a party to the budget sheet for it throughout.
Originally Posted By: kml
When he makes so much more than you, why are you footing half the bill for this trip? How is he planning on paying his debts during this time? Do you have enough to travel for four months WITHOUT tapping into the money set aside for renting and furnishing a new place?
I choose to pay for half the trip, he did not ask me too. He told me how much he had to contribute and I matched it. The reason for it is so I feel equal in this trip, this s important to me as I felt very dependent on him before and not his equal, he never treated me that way, but its how I felt. Through IC have have understood why I felt this way and right now I do feel the need to "pay my own way". Over time that may change, my h certainly hopes so, he wants to know that should I be struggling financially that I will tell him so he can help me. He has saved enough to cover 5 months of loan payments and then will need to find work, he has set up a couple of agency jobs through contacts along the way to top the bank account up. Yes we have put money aside for when we return, we have a bond and a few months rent and the basics are going in to storage and we shall buy as we save up for things we need. H has addressed his spending with hiis therapist and found that it was a symptom of something else, which he has been working through with his therapist. He is adament about not getting in to debt in the future.
Originally Posted By: kml
If, God forbid, you embark on this adventure and then realize that the new relationship isn't going to work, will you have enough savings to tide you over until you get a new job and place to live?
Yes, I do have a backup plan.
Originally Posted By: kml
Sorry to throw cold water on your plans, but it just sounds like an old pattern of going along with his bad financial decisions. I'd hate to see you struggling again in a few months with no savings. And the exhaustion you feel from your untreated thyroid disease is not going to get better until you are treated!
Thank you so much for caring about me. I am going to see my dr again soon and will ask for an explanation for why he wont treat me. Because we intend to move away from my current location I will be finding a new dr and hopefully have more joy with them. Some time away from my job and just life in general after such a stressful few years will be good for me body and soul despite the thyroid issue lurking in the background.
Originally Posted By: kml
Is there a way to take a trip without completely wrecking your finances? How about renting a caravan, instead of buying (so you don't risk getting stuck for a large repair bill) and going for just a month (instead of four) then getting serious about looking for work and a place to live (which might easily eat up your remaining savings by the time you find a place)?
Renting a caravan in NZ for the summer months actually works out more expensive than buying one and at the end of it we still have the van to sell. We have insurance and roadside breakdown cover which will help us out if we should breakdown. We have a emergency fund which is only to be used for repairs and once that has gone its back to the real world - so if that is 3 weeks in then so be it.
This trip is more about me than about h, I know its about h and I being together again, but its actually, for me, about me. It taking FEAR, the fear that I lived my life by and ruled me and staring it in the face. I have grown so much since h left, I have mentioned before that on the quiet it was the best thing that he has ever done for me. I have had to face my fears and learn to control them. This trip is me stepping out of my comfort zone and security and saying "I can do this, I want to do this, I will do this". To give up everything on a whim and just LIVE is something I feel I need to do.
My mother kept a long list of all the things she wanted to do in her life, she saved and saved and said she was going to have such a fun retirement doing all the things on her list, she was excited about doing them - she sadly died at 52, never had done anything on her list as she was "waiting for the right time". I don't want to be like her, I want to live life now and not take the chance I will still be here when I am 65.
I once had stability and security, it was taken away from me. Perhaps is was a blessing in disguise, it woke me up to seeing that I am more than a wife, more than a mother, I am me and I want to experience all that life has to offer and discover who I am in this world.
So on this final note, I resigned my job on Monday, mixed feelings for a couple of days, nausea that I had just given up my security, but also relief and now excitement at the ne chapter that is awaiting me. My 1st assignment came back for my second course, full marks and could not fault anything
Lou - You are embracing a possible future and this present day with your H by defining your relationship in an unexpcted way. By all accounts this is a huge reboot.
Obviously there is financial risk but you faced your fears last year when you were flat broke and staying with your brother. Remember how far you've traveled from that fearful existence? KML is understandably concerned about your finances but honestly the bank balance can't be that huge when compared to the benefits of embracing this adventure? Worst case scenario is you are back renting a small flat on your own but this time you will be stronger, wiser and able to make decisions from a place of strength.
Best case scenario is somewhere along the way you find buried treasure (literally buried treasure) and live out your days as rich in love and cash.
The odds are that reality will fall somewhere in between and that is okay. You and H are creating a new foundation so if some old baggage creeps in then at least you can open that pandora's box in a more authentic way. If you both go broke then you'll weather it together or part ways knowing you gave it 1000%. That knowledge is a huge gift that eludes most of us here in MLC land.
I add my best wishes to Job's and all my admiration to you for your GAL, your 180 and your resilience. No matter how things progress you will embrace any burdens or blessings with strength and authenticity. I think this is one of those crossroads that the only way to improve your life is by making a huge shift. Cheering you from afar and looking forward to updates.
{{{HUGS}}}
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Lou - do some reading up on ambergris. It can be found on beaches in your part of the world and indeed would be "buried treasure". If nothing else it will give you an interesting diversion as you travel around.
I hope you have a grand adventure and try to avoid dragons and weird old men with long staffs that I understand can also be found there
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP - I had no idea what ambergris was, now I do ...... I will be on the look out for the treasure, armed with rubber gloves ha ha ha. Thanks for the tip lol .......I am more likely to find a pot of gold and a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow me thinks ha ha.
As for weird old men with long beards and a staff, I saw him driving a truck the other day - well now he is redundant from the film industry he has got to earn a living somehow .....I thought it was one of the guys from zz top at first
THE day is nearly here; tomorrow (saturday) h arrives; car, caravan and all his worldly possessions, ready to start our new life and adventure together.
I will be spending the day catching up with a g/friend as h will be travelling all day.
This week has been a hard week at work. I have been training my replacement. How do you teach a role that you made up, it just comes naturally to me, but to explain to someone else is a challenge.
I have come down with a bad cold, I managed to keep them at bay all winter, its now at the cough stage and I have lost my voice (h will be so happy ha ha), but this is normally a sign that's its coming to an end so hopefully by Sunday I will feel better.
I dont have much else to write, just wanted to keep you updated as to what point we are at. I don't actually feel anything - no nerves or excitement, its just another day right now. Tomorrow will most likely be another story .......
Gosh, that time went rather quickly. I can't believe he's arriving Saturday. Are you ready for his arrival?
I'm surprised that your employer didn't ask you to write up a "How To" manual on your position. I do understand what you are saying about how a role comes naturally and you do things w/o even thinking about them. The person replacing you will have some big shoes to fill because I know you've done a fabulous job!
I'm sorry to read that you've got a cold. Do you think stress brought it on? After all, you've had a lot going on the last couple of weeks.
Lou, I'll be thinking of you and your h. I will say a prayer for a safe journey and no matter what happens, and lady, you are a success story. Stay positive and know that we all love you and wish you all of the best. Please post when you can to let us know that you are okay.
Take care!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lou, I'm so excited for you! Just wanted to wish you a great vacation and great times discovering yourself and each other again, before you go off the grid! I agree with job, you are a success story, no matter what. Keep us posted, if you can!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
