Confused on What to Do 2

[Drew]

Tonight, my S6 school is hosting a picnic with games, music, etc. My S6 wants to go so we said we would all go. I think I just need to go and show I'm having have a good time. and not worry about what my W is doing while we are there.

There Ginger, fixed it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Drew is such a fixer. : )

[Ginger1]

Thanks Drew. You can fix me up all you want. I am in the fixer in my life, and I'm kind of sick of it.

[Eagle11]

I don't know how to do that fancy crossing out thing.....

But you don't need to SHOW you are having a good time, you should actually have a good time! Then it will show!

That sounds like a lot of fun and I think your S6 will have a great time.

Thanks Ginger, that is my plan for tonight. Just have a good time!

[Eagle11]

Eric,

I just read your post and thanks for letting me read it. Every time I read your posts it gets me so motivated and the doubts seem to go away. Unfortunately right now they still creep back in. I will need to read your post again and again for it to sink in. I know I am consumed by fear, I just have to figure out a away to believe in myself. I have been consumed by fear for a long time in my life and it took something like this to make me realize it.

[AndrewP]

Eric:

I find that I go back and re-read my recent threads every week or so. I've come a long way and you will too. Some of the advice we get doesn't sink in (at least to me) the first time around.

Have fun at the picnic!

[ericmsant2]

Eagle

First off, I think AndrewP’s post above is directed to YOU not me.

I just read your post and thanks for letting me read it.

I hope you also read the post I wroter earlier #2704349 at 06:24 AM.

Every time I read your posts it gets me so motivated and the doubts seem to go away. Unfortunately right now they still creep back in.

Dude, you are getting a lot of stuff thrown at you. For what it is worth….you’re doing pretty good, given that you joined on 8/25/16. It took me a long long time to accept that I was scared chitless – you’ve done that in a matter of weeks. So as hard as some of us can be on you - be gentle on yourself.

Okay….now on to the much tougher chit….

Eagle – I’ve read your posts…all of them. You remind me so much of myself. Paralyzed by fear. Before I point out a few things, I think you should read my story. Maybe Cadet can post links to them.

Just to confirm, I believe you are still a stay at home dad – right?

If this is indeed the case, well then brother – I’d like to commend YOU! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for moving the fatherhood cause along. I mean it.

Question: What type of work/income did you have in your 1st marriage and when you and your W were dating? Did you ever establish a career? From your post I gathered that you have been a stay at home dad since 2010. Correct?

Question: What was your childhood like?

In reading your story a few things popped out at me. Things that I believe can be addressed and set you on a much more positive course.

I am on my 2nd marriage. My first one lasted only 2 years and ended because my w cheated on me.

I suspect that the result of your first W cheating on YOU was never really addressed. Having had someone cheat on me, I know how much of a hit ones self confidence takes. So I wonder, were you confident as a child? Did you self esteem issues as a kid? How did you handle the first divorce?

As for why I say self confidence….this is why…

He obviously makes good money where I make none. He is retired from the Army or Marines so is probably more of man's man than I am.

First off, no one is more of a man that YOU. No one. Actually we are all different. You, me, J3B, Mach, Drew, Mr Bond….all of us are different. Neither “more of” or “better than” the other. It is a gift that each of us has – our own uniqueness. Remember – You brother are just like me…Unique in YOUR own way.

From where I sit…YOUR W is truly in a life crisis. So as hard as it is. I cannot stress enough HOW YOU MUST MAKE THIS, EVERY ACTION, EVERY DECISION…about YOU and what is GOOD for YOU and YOUR children. You must completely DETACH.
Your W has asked for a divorce 3 times, she has multiple OM, she has had EA’s, she has kissed one of the men (at least that you know of), by her own admission she has cheated in past relationships, she spends 1-2 hrs a day with the kids and even after all of this, she seems confused . This sounds to me like she is totally in a crisis mode.

These statement alone…

She said she wants me to continue to live at the house and take care of the kids just like nothing changed.

I should also mention that when she says she wants a divorce she doesn’t want anything to change.

Soooo reminds me of my ex. She wanted me to cook, clean, help the kids with homework, pick up, drop off, do laundry and then leave when she came home. They really just confirm that your W is more than likely on the crisis express. You cannot fix HER.

I am happy that you acknowledge that you are afraid.

I know I am consumed by fear, I just have to figure out a away to believe in myself. I have been consumed by fear for a long time in my life and it took something like this to make me realize it.

She never told me about this and I only discovered it when I found the lawyers business card one day a couple of months after the appointment took place. I never mentioned this to my wife because I think I was scared .

I understand that I have been weak with her and not wanted conflict. I just hate conflict

YOU see those three quotes up there ^^^^^^ I want you to KNOW that YOU can CHANGE these behaviors. YOU DO NOT have to live in FEAR.

I actually wonder if you are afraid to get angry.

I also suspect that the fact that you do not work has you worried about how you can continue to take care of your kids. Buddy….You will be OKAY man. You will. Your kids will be okay. Do not use them as an excuse to not face your demons (for the record I did it for a long time).

Question: Are you still in GA?

Question: Do you have a journal?

I have a lot more to say…err…write..but I wanted to give you a little homework assignment.

1) Pick up a journal – something to write in. Let me know when you do.
2) Post what your childhood was like.
3) Read my story. You can search by poster name..so look up ericmsant2 my name has never changed. Select the option “Topics created”.
4) Go on that hike – take the kids with you – even if it is only for an hour.
5) Answer the questions that I posted above

Finally, I sooooo wished you could see what I see in your post and in YOU. I see so much HOPE, so much positivity in YOUR sitch. I see you becoming everything you’ve ever wanted to be.

Have a good night.

[AndrewP]

Also if you click on a poster's name the option pops up for "view posts".

This is Eric's first one.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...002#Post1915002

Here's the one that Jack_3_Beans had me read from when eric was ready to do nasty things to him .... sooo nasty .... don't bear repeating...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post1944011

PS - yes my post was directed to Eagle and not eric but eric - if you want to have fun at a picnic, go right ahead

Time for me to turn in to bed now.

[CT1118]

Eagle11 - Wow, I just caught up. Have not had time or been with you since my comment on page 1 of the thread. Brother, you are getting some amazing advice - I am too and from the same actors. The following quip from 3Beans stood out for me:

"Practice things you are going to say. I mean it practice, say them outloud to yourself. Have a PLAN of how you are going to respond instead of letting your instinct take over, because your instinct wants to remind her with little barbs that you are hurting and this suckss. AND yes it suckss (haha censor!).
But you are going to show her that you are making the best of
a bad situation with grace and dignity."

You know Eagle11, I still practice what I am going to say, with one difference - it's not just to my spouse, but for me. What am I going to say to me in times where I feel challenged by my spouse, by others, by the self? What is my plan of action in those moments? What is the recovery plan if I begin down a road that I feel lost on? Or, even more important, after a lethal inquisition of the self following a much needed MACH1 challenge - what is my plan to change my instincts from one form to another - can I actually change instinct? The answer is yes, you can. I am not there yet to full capacity, but it can be begun, and I can choose to make it permanent. You - Eagle11 - can change the question as opposed to adding on to your current behavior. That is an important statement - you can change the question as opposed to adding on to your current behavior. You can my friend.

Eagle11 - what I personally see about the genius of DB; all these posts, reading the books twice, watching the videos, exploring other models -the genius of DB'ing is that it offers only one valid outcome for all these different variables. If you do the DB correctly, it is all about you being a better you. Not MWD nor any old poster here guarantees that this will results in us ending up with the women we fell in love with, had kids with, married. No, but what they guarantee is that if you listen, if you believe, if you put in the work, that hope and belief in ourselves - in our self - can be rebuilt. You can do this. I can do this. Those with signature dates years before us did this.

I believe in you, you believe in you. Eagle11 - Apollo11's lunar lander? One small step for man? You are the man Eagle11. I will be out for a bit after tonight, have a long weekend of paper writing and my son's birthday party, plus next 4 nights with him. Wanted to check your sitch, remind you that you are a leader, and that you have every right to chime in on my deal too. Be cool, be well. With you dude.

[Eagle11]

Quick update on the picnic tonight. I feel it went great and I had a good time. There was no drama. The W and I were good parents to our kids tonight and nobody would know we are having issues. It was nice to meet the parents of the other kids in my sons class. I had a good time. I feel the changes I am making allowed me to have a better time than I would have in the past. This was the sort of thing I would often dread. I am not really the type who likes to mingle with a bunch of strangers, but one of the changes I have been working on for me is being more outgoing towards others.

When we got home the W was drinking her wine and started to ask me questions about my therapy. I politely told her it was personal and I didn't feel comfortable sharing that info with her. What she really wanted to know was what my therapist says about her. I guess she is so self conscious that she is worried what my therapist thinks about her. I told my W my therapy was private and my therapist mostly listens to me without judging others. She also asked me what would happen if we couldn't reconcile. This one caught me off guard. I just said I will deal with that should it happen. Then she asked me if my therapist asked me if I love my W. I told her I don't think that has ever come up. My W then asks how do I know I love her. I told her I really wasn't comfortable talking about this right now, but I told her I did love her. None of this talk was in anger, it was all just a conversation.