Confused on What to Do 2

[Drew]

Wow.

Mach just took the words right out of my mouth. Well, a lot more words than I would ever use but ....

I tend to be a little more blunt, put a little bullet point out there for you to think about and figure out on your own. So I'll sum it up:

Dude, you're getting out-Alpha Maled.

Confidence ?
Strong decision makers ??

Things like that ???

Now again, we're not telling you to flip a switch and go all caveman on her.

But I've seen this movie and your wife has pretty much the same ginormous cake mine did.

Shall I go on?

[Ginger1]

Can I give you a 36 year old woman's POV?

I am now 36 years old. A mom separated at 27, divorced at 29, with a baby. I've been essentially single since then.

It's been a gift within itself because I have had these past almost 9 years (aside from the few where I was just trying to survive) to discover ME when there was only ME. I know who I am outside of marriage at an age when people normally don't.

I have observations being in this unique situation along the years. Most M's that began young have gotten to the point around this age of struggle. They can't identify with themselves anymore. They don't know who they are an individual and are SCARED, or overly excited (leading to separation) to figure it out. The ones who got married later in life are having a bit o an easier time because they got to know who they are outside of relationships and marriages at a time when we really come into our own.

It is a tough time for both of you. Like I said, some are scared to figure out who they really (like you) and some are just too eager (like your W).

So what is your gift right now? As Cadet says, your gift is that of time. Now is the time to grab the bull by the balls (or is it horns?) and get to know yourself as an individual a little better.

Go on that all day hike. Just freakin' do it.

And Eric is pretty good at talking people off of ledges. His voice is actually quite soothing too.

And yes, guy #1 is most my ideal attractive man. Haven't found him yet, but I can say for sure, those are the exact qualities I look for in a partner. And partially, because the h ell I have been put through has given me the opportunities to become person number #1, myself, in woman form:)

[ericmsant2]

Eagle

I guess I'm walking on egg shells that if I screw something up then we are done.

Brother….I get it. I did the same for a LOOOOONNNGGG time.

The key is to begin to really DETACH from her and from the sitch. I know it is easier said then done and we’re all here to help you get past this.

I need to get to that point that I don't care anymore, but I just have to figure out how to get there.

A little “keep myself honest” trick I learned……

BUT’s…. Usually the words that follow BUTS are the excuses we give ourselves. I keep things easy for us. Example:

I would stop smoking BUT I already purchased a carton….or BUT…. I am addicted….or BUT….I like to.

Can you see how we give ourselves the excuse. IF someone really wants to stop – they’ll stop.

I'm sitting here at this computer completely stumped on your question about something I always wanted to do but haven't done.

That should tell you a lot. Take your time man, this is a process. From where I sit you have a lot of work to do on Eagle.

Right now I feel like a man with no dreams, and that is not a good feeling.

Ahhh….if you only knew that all of the answers are inside of YOU already! Now, before I go on….do me a favor…..

STOP FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, YOUR SITCH, YOUR W….JUST STOP IT.

DB101 – Change how you look at things.

Instead of “I feel like a man with no dreams” (depressing)….look at it as….”I’m working to FIND my dreams” (Positive).

I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about your post

I find a nice glass of wine and a blunt work for me..just kidding… about the wine. LOL.

You are correct that I am too afraid. I will admit that I am scared that I will make the wrong move and I question myself everyday if I am doing this right. I wrestle everyday with the thought of telling her that I don't want to be around while she is texting OM.

And I understand WHY you are afraid. The texting of the OM….yeah it hurts, mine did it too. Here is the thing…. Why does it really hurt? Do you really think OM is better than you? He is NOT.

I have thought so much about confronting the OM.

For what really? So you can “show her”….so you can feel (for a second) “like you are a man and you will not tolerate this chit”. IMO, your not ready to do that just yet.

In the end I have always just decided to play the doormat and be there for her. I have often wondered (I know I should not try to get in her mind) if she actually wants me to speak up and be strong and tell her I will not live like this, but I am just so unsure on what to do.

1) YOU CHOOSE to be a doormat. NO ONE can make YOU. Psst…this is YOU not taking ownership or responsibility over what YOU allow in YOUR life.
2) Notice how you still factor her into YOUR decision process. You keep making it about her…her …..her…what she did …..what she didn’t do…. STOP it!
Sometimes brother….doing NOTHING is actually doing something.

Do you know what a lion does when it is injured?

It separates (i.e. DETACHES) from the pack, from the fight. It separates to give itself time to heal and then – it enters the field again. You’re a Lion dude. Stop, rest up for a bit and heal.

I don't know if I necessarily want the M fixed now, but I do want these OM gone now.

NOTICE the BUT…..

To mean the statement above indicates that YOU do want the M fixed……your excuse for the hard WORK that may make it possible is the OM. In part, because that allows you to avoid focusing on YOU.

I am honest with myself and I think the chances of our M getting back together are slim, but I wasn't happy with myself and I need to change.

Another excuse you are giving yourself. YOU say you need to change – yet you focus so much on her.

Fear has you by the balls.

She is in so much control. I'm letting her control this whole situation.

Excuses again….She, her, she has control…blah blah blah….

Look man, stop blaming her for everything. Stop blaming her for YOUR choices. Stop blaming her for your reluctance to really make this about YOU. Being the victim is easy.

I'm not sure if this is what your looking for but I have been wanting to spend the day hiking

Then honestly – go hiking!

Please take your time and READ the posts on your thread….a lot of poster have posted some very good insight.

I have one other favor to ask of you…..


Do me a favor and DO NOT GO ALL COMMANDO on your W right now. For now, just let her go.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Is she cake eating?
Yes.

What can you do about it?

Let me be blunt here.

You are in a bad position. She is the bread winner and pays the bills. You are the stay at home dad.

Before you read any further, I am in no way putting you down. I am stating facts.

What are your options?

Part of my advice comes from your circumstances.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

So she was laying in bed texting another man at 1:15 in the morning with my son right there next to her.

Well it's not like she was asking him for advice on what to say.
If he wasn't right next to her, he'd have been in the room down the hall...and if you want to get REALLY mad your other son is in the house too!!

Eagle, you have every reason in the world to be mad and upset, the idea is at this point in time with your current "how the heck do I handle this part of MLC" is to NOT get upset, not get into fights and you're doing GREAT...right up until you start thinking that somehow her texting the OM near one of your boys is somehow corrupting them.

Stop using your kids as an excuse to get pi55ed off. They aren't. She isn't involving them, she is just texting near them. Stop letting this be your excuse to lose your crap.

[Eagle11]

Mach1, Drew, Ginger and Jack,

Thanks for all the advice. What I am getting from you all is that I need to get myself in a better place and not worry about my W or the sitch? It needs to be about me and not her. I can only take charge of my life?

I need to detach from the sitch. I need to become my own man and not worry about her. I'm hearing all the words, but I got to get myself to do it. I have a lot of fears in life and I have to face this one. We've been together for 12 years and I've probably lacked confidence for 1/2 of that time. I have some ideas of why I began to lack the confidence and I need to face those issues. When she had her EA 8 years ago I know I was different then. I was stronger and I actually think I was using some DB without even knowing anything about it at the time. I did detach from her then and other than the beginning I didn't beg her to stay. I don't think I was as scared then because I didn't have any kids. I guess the fear of facing this sitch with kids is what is making it so difficult. I was also younger then and knew that if it didn't work out, I would be ok. I know I'm still not old at 39, but it's amazing what my mind thinks.

I have a therapist appointment tomorrow morning and she has been great so far. I think I need to tell her to dig into me tomorrow instead of focusing on the M. I think talking about the M is a lot easier than facing the fears I have in my head about myself.

Tonight, my S6 school is hosting a picnic with games, music, etc. My S6 wants to go so we said we would all go. I think I just need to go and show I'm having a good time and not worry about what my W is doing while we are there.

[AndrewP]

I have a therapist appointment tomorrow morning and she has been great so far. I think I need to tell her to dig into me tomorrow instead of focusing on the M. I think talking about the M is a lot easier than facing the fears I have in my head about myself.

^^^^^^ Like

[Eagle11]

Also, I think I am hearing from most of you to not confront my W with anything? Just keep what I'm doing as far as acting in a good mood and to continue to show her how I'm changing when the opportunity arises? The detaching is just me not allowing the sitch to run my life?

[ericmsant2]

Hey Eagle....

Something for you to read...I wrote this a while ago...

I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts over the past few weeks. Some of this may be a bit of a ramble; however, I believe that some of you may find it useful.

I have entitled this post….. The star is inside of you.

There is no magic bullet, magic pill, set of actions, set of words or specific post that can ensure that your marriage will be saved. Not one. The advice that you receive here will vary. Some will be very related to your specific sitch – some will not. I see a lot of people still focused on your spouse. Still focused on what they do, do not do, say, do not say, act, their actions. I understand this, I was there at one point too. What I feel is missing is the “work” that is needed to FIX YOU. We say often around here…”we didn’t break ‘em so we can’t fix ‘em”. So ask yourself – do you still believe that? Do you? Are you still worrying about every word you say, every step you take, every action you do? Do you still live a life walking on eggshells? Do you live in FEAR? Do you worry if you should leave the bedroom, take off the wedding band, make dinner, do the laundry, go to work? Does you every decision get run through a process where you think…….”what is my spouse gonna think or say”? Do you try and overcompensate for your crazy spouse? Do you do everything for the kids…to protect them? Have you totally devalued yourself? Have you tossed aside your own needs and wants? Do you walk around in guilt? Do you really think that…..that time, 10 years ago that your forgot the cranberry sause on Turkey day that it cause your spouse to wig out? If so, why?

I can go on and on about the stuff people have written, the post I have responded to and have read. Heck I was there too. IMO, the root of all of this is one word.

FEAR

When you come here…you are afraid, afraid of everything your spouse does, is doing, saying, etc. The answer to the issue though is NOT YOUR spouse – it really is YOU!

Stop for a second and ask yourself…..

Why am I afraid my spouse may leave?

Why am I afraid my spouse may divorce me?

Why are you afraid? Can you answer it honestly? Do you understand and know the root of YOUR fear? Yeah..yeah..yeah…I get it…”the kids”, “our family”, “our friends”……”the house”….”the finances”… I get it.

These ^^^ though are SURFACE answers. They do not get at the ROOT of the issue. Why are you so worry about the house? Do you think you will not be able to afford it? Do you think that you will not be able to maintain it? Do you love your neighbors? Do you just love that “woofy” your dog can walk around and all of your neighbor adore him? Stop for one second and ask yourself…… “what do these FEARS say about ME”. Can you see how you are devaluing yourself? Can you see how you may be assuming a deafist attitude? Can you see that in reality…..YOU WANT to CONTROL EVERYTHING.

CONTROL….. we like it. It is safe. It allows us to put everything in a little box. IMO, some levels of control KEEP US STUCK. They keep us from LOOKING INSIDE and facing OUR FEARS. So we cling to them. We figure out nice ways to hide behind them. Do you really think you can control everything? Do you really think that what you do, do not do, say, do not say….will CONTROL how your spouse acts? Now, I am not saying that your actions may not impact someone else. I am not saying that a love and compassion do not help heal, promote happiness, etc. No. What I am saying is that STANDING for your marriage does not mean that YOU ACCEPT that you are treated like dog poop. What I am saying is that YOU cannot spend every waking moment in FEAR of EVERYTHING YOU DO. At the end of the day, you cannot control your spouse. At the end of the day….NONE OF YOU, NO ONE ON THESE BOARDS, NO ONE….can make your spouse wake up, come home, become a better person. Some of you may say I know this. My response to you is….so what are YOU really doing for YOU.

IMO, doing the “work” is about facing YOUR FEARS. It is about, letting go of the notion that YOU can control everything. Doing the work…mean that you look inside. I will use my life, my journey as an example……

Some of you have read my journey, at least what was posted. I was an abused child. My mother was…well not the greatest. I was pretty messed up. At one point I become a drug addict. I was put away as a kid. I was homeless for a short period of time. I was broken. So…what does one do, HE CONTROLS. He controls how close he allows people to get. He manipulates his relationships, he keeps everyone at a distance. He carries around a ton of guilt. He lives in TOTAL FEAR and he USES CONTROL to manage that fear. He thinks….well if I am good H, or a good worker..that I can control the outcome of my job, my marriage. Now, I am not saying one should not be a good H, or a good employee. Nope. I am using this as an example of how sometime we control things. The control….keeps us from looking inside. Lemme give a few specific examples:

Specific to me….I tried to control everything. I’ve listed a few examples as reference for some of you.

I became super DAD. I did everything for my kids. My ex would leave at 5am and come home at 11pm. I did the laundry, cooked, cleaned, house work, a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids – pretty much a full time single parent. Although I do not regret it….i could have done things differently. Allow me to explain….. being as busy as I was with the kids, was in a small way, helpful in keeping me from looking inside. You see, I felt that I needed to protect them, I felt that I needed to control what they saw, what they heard, I wanted them to NOT have any pain from the divorce. I tried to CONTROL IT. ALL OF IT. Yes, some of you may say…it was for a good reason. My response to that is…was it? YOU really cannot control everything. The kids, will at some point FEEL this. They will feel the issue that are going on in the household. They will feel the stress of your spouse actions. YOU really cannot CONTROL it. You may think you can but all you are really doing is postponing it. Needless to say, I kept controling the sitch…take the kids here…make sure they did not see mom monster on me. The control prevent me from FACING MY FEARS. FEAR of what you may ask….

FEAR of….
Could someone like me really be a good parent, would the kids no longer love me, would the kids grow up to be F’ed up, fear of FEELING like maybe I was really a crappy dad, fear of what they would think of me? FEAR….that DEEP DEEP DOWN INSIDE…..I DID NOT BELIEVE IN ME! Yep…the deep issue that really needed to be deal with was ME. I did not believe in ME. I used everything else, the kids, my sitch, everything to HIDE from facing and learning about ME.

FEAR of….
Facing my role in the demise of the M. What did I do wrong? Why was all of this my fault or was it? Was I done? Why wasn’t I done? Why did ex wife have an OM? Was that my fault? To deal with some of these fears I controlled. I controlled how I felt. I did things, said things, did not do things….all for the sole purpose of getting my ex back. The bigger question was WHY? What was I afraid of? When I really started digging I did not like some of the answers that I found. I was fearful of: losing my house, change, change in my lifestyle, change in my income. Would I find someone? Could I find someone? Did I really love my w? What did love mean to me? Hell could someone like me even really love?

Finding the answers to these questions was painful. It required me to face every single one of these fears. It is no easy, fellow posters. Not easy at all. IMO, though….if you do not do it YOU will never really find your true self, your true happiness. When I started to dig, I realized – yes I did love my ex. Yes, I was capable of love, I also realized…..that I did not really KNOW how to LOVE MYSELF. That I based my own sense of SELF on what other thought, said, felt. That I had hid for a long, long time behind a viel of FEAR. When I finally learned how to love myself, learned how to ACCEPT EVERYTHING about myself….well then I was FREE. Free to choose for ME.

I have a seen a lot of poster post very similar questions ….

1) Should I leave the house? Should I leave the master bed room? My answer to these is this….WHY do YOU want to leave or stay? Are you staying because you are afraid? Afraid that you are not strong enough? YOU can! You are strong enough! You will survive this! Only though if you really look inside and UNDERSTAND why you feel the way you DO. It is only then, can you make choices that are NOT based in FEAR. It is only then that you can determine if you are done or not done.

2) Am I am done? I think I am done? I want to be done? MY answer – Define done. What does it really mean? Why does it even need a definition? Why put yourself in a box? Personally, I think it is our way of controling everything and as I have said….IMO, CONTROL is just a way for US to NOT have to FACE our FEARS. IMO, you can be done. You can change mind later. You actually do not even have to decide today, tomorrow….YOU can JUST LIVE. Live a happy life. Make a promise to YOURSELF that I CHOOSE happiness. Let go of the darn need to control everything. YOU CAN’t. Can you really control what your ex does? If you end up getting divorced – can you control what the judge says, his/her attny says – NO. YOU CANNOT. ACCEPT THIS! Instead of using the energy trying to figure out if you are done..use it to figure YOU out. Use it to understand yourself and accept your own fears. Use the energy to sit down and really figure out what you want and WHY? The star that you look for….the answer to all of YOUR questions is really inside of YOU.

3) Do I confront H or W about OM/OW? What do YOU really want to do? Better yet – why? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid they may leave? Are you afraid you will piss them off? Are you afraid they may file? Do you really think you can control it? FACE your FEAR! Why are you afriad? What is the root of the fear? Is it that you never really valued yourself? Is it that you are afriad if they leave how you will put food on the table? If so, is that who YOU really want to be? Dbing DOES NOT say you should be treated like crap. It is about health boundaries. Are you afriad to tell your spouse to stop texing OM/OW in front of you? Why? YOU matter! You are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT too. YOUR feeling do matter. Now I am not saying that you should confront today, tomorrow…what I am saying is UNDERSTAND why you are making the choice you are making. Cause if it is the result of FEAR – you have not address the real issue. FACE your fears.

I can go on and one with all sort of examples: The key point that I want to make to many of you is…..

Inside of you is a star! That star is your guiding light. Not me, not another poster. YOU. YOU are your guiding light. Ya just have to get past the fear. You just have to ACCEPT YOU, learn to LOVE you, Choose happiness over everything else. Find the issues and fears that you have and then slay them – one at a time. They may not go away today…but just knowing what they are EMPOWERS you to make choices that are TRUE to YOU. You are star! Every single answer to your question is inside you.

If you work on you – fully – if you totally commit YOU to YOURSELF, to healing YOUR core. You will be happy. You will have an inner peace and joy.

Stop looking at your spouse – focus on you and face your fears!

Life is a river…..it flows…it changes….. YOU can’t control it.

[Ginger1]

Tonight, my S6 school is hosting a picnic with games, music, etc. My S6 wants to go so we said we would all go. I think I just need to go and show I'm having a good time and not worry about what my W is doing while we are there.

I don't know how to do that fancy crossing out thing.....

But you don't need to SHOW you are having a good time, you should actually have a good time! Then it will show!

That sounds like a lot of fun and I think your S6 will have a great time.