I know some of you have commented I'm handling this well. I've been reading this forum, other forums, the DB book, other books and getting unsolicited advice. Plus my marriage counselor. My goal is to mainly focus on this site and the book.
Here's my problem, I;ve totally lost focus. At this point my brain is scrambled eggs. Some of the more complex strategies are too tough to understand at this point. Does that make sense?
Where I am: 1. Not talking to wife other then child issues- I assume this is going dark. 2. GAL- working, staying healthy, living life.
I'm trying to wait this out and hope my wife comes to her senses. Is this a reasonable plan?
I think it's normal to feel overwhelmed when serious marital issues arise. There's so much to process and you receive a lot of advice that often seems conflicting; it's hard to figure out which way to go.
From my experience, focusing on my GAL activities did the most to help me get through the bad stuff. Most of my activities revolved around home improvement projects, but that exposed me to a lot of people along the way. (Many of the local Lowe's and Home Depot employees know me by name.) I did more home improvement projects in the past four months than I'd done in the past five years. I was on fire and it made a huge difference because I had things to focus on and I was worn-out at the end of the day. When I went to bed, I was exhausted and I'd usually fall asleep immediately. And actually, it was a very happy time for me; I could see the house looking better and better and I was able to be creative. It was a wonderful mix of productivity and creative release.
So, what I'm saying is, you're on target with the GAL stuff. Find activities that occupy your mind and keep you busy and you'll be able to weather the storm.
I found that a very powerful practice. In addition trying to 180 our big issue, I identified some other common interactions that cause friction in our relationship, and I really dig into why I acted the way I did. My IC was very helpful with this. And then I chose to deliberately act in a different way, to see if it changed the interaction as a whole.
Boy did it ever. I'm not talking big things, but it's amazing how improving key micro interactions can have a big impact on the relationship.
And I felt super jazzed about changing my response.
So, living life is great, but so is digging into your own issues and how they affect the relationship.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Again, I see alot of your "analysis" of what you think your W's issues were. Give us specific examples of things that YOU did wrong. The more detailed the better.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Focusing on being the best Dad and Brian is super important. So you have lost focus for a bit, just pick yourself up and get back at it.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
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I found that a very powerful practice. In addition trying to 180 our big issue, I identified some other common interactions that cause friction in our relationship, and I really dig into why I acted the way I did. My IC was very helpful with this. And then I chose to deliberately act in a different way, to see if it changed the interaction as a whole.
Boy did it ever. I'm not talking big things, but it's amazing how improving key micro interactions can have a big impact on the relationship.
And I felt super jazzed about changing my response.
So, living life is great, but so is digging into your own issues and how they affect the relationship.
Not necessarily, although some of Sandi's rules might be 180s for you, and she mentions 180s briefly in #29.
MWD discusses the tactic of 180s in DR. Essentially it means doing the opposite.
So, for example, I am a more serious person than my H in many ways. Sometimes, if he uses humor when I think it's a serious moment, I react by objecting to his use of humor, either in my words or my expression or my actions, This takes a benign action on his part and turns it into A Thing.
So, the 180 for this is to joke back or at least let the joke pass without any reaction more than a rueful shake of the head and continue the friendly tone of the conversation.
Sandi's rules are mostly focused on how you should behave in the face of marital crisis.
I'm talking about thinking back to the pre-BD relationship and identifying some things to 180.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I know I got some homework to do. The fact that I have to hide my book makes it tough to read.
Last night the W called into work. She cornered me into a discussion about finances, our R and the big D. She reviewed the finances for the last 2 years and noticed I missed a few payments related to investments and college funds. Some months were tight and I paid the mortgage and lights first. In both cases we had overpaid over the years so it was not really a missed payment. She didn't see my logic and was very pissed. I found that interesting.
Our R talk came up and I kepted brining up the A. My bad..She gas lighting me about my recent behavior. I could of handled the R talk better my zipping my lip..
The big D talk came up. I just listened. She intends to file soon. It sounds like she is trying to do it on the cheap. A do it yourself with help from some who has some law background but not a divorce lawyer. I shall wait for the papers to b filed. I have an experienced divorce lawyer ready to go if needed.
She said she wants the house and full care of our child. It was tough, but I just listened and acknowledged. She said she has child care lined up post divorce. She works nights. I listened.
She said the current living situation was not working and asked me to move out. It was pretty scary hearing. I stood up for myself and said I will not move out to divorce is finalized. I have a right to stay.
She said she will start the divorce work tomorrow. I found that interesting since its a Saturday. She seems to want a divorce but reluctant to hire a lawyer. We have a house, assets, debt and child. So there will be a lot of paperwork.
All the talk really gets the heart racing. Somehow I get a good night's sleep. Maybe I have accepted my situation for what it is. I have no control over others. Accept the things I can't change.
I will treat myself the biggest cheeseburger in town tonight.
