Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 4)

[Rose888]

Home isn't the only place you can spend time with your kids. Why not take them to a park, museum, hiking trail, concert, etc., etc.?

It will be easier to focus on the kids when you're away from the tension, and I think the more time you spend focusing on other things, the easier it is to do.

Over the past 5 months, H and I have both stepped up our GAL activities, and our kids certainly haven't complained. ;-)

[JRuss]

Hi Rose -- thanks for stopping by my thread. I've definitely made an effort to do more of my GAL with the kids, but it's always good to get that reminder that I can do more. They do love it when either of their parents gets them out and focuses intently on them, and it definitely makes me feel better doing that.

[sandi2]

I'd be interested in people's thoughts on desire. Is it
actually possible for this to be rekindled in someone who had it -- at least some number of years in the past? Or is all of this already fatal? My W seems to have determined that there are only two possible paths: (1) stay married and be unattracted and unhappy, or (2) divorce and possibly be happy.

You probably know what I will say, but I'm going to say it anyway.
Your best friend may not have developed feelings for your W, and there is a slim chance she was not in an EA with him. The excuse he gave you about the secrecy seems a little weak, but that's just me. Anyway, if your W has had an EA or even IA (imaginary affair), it pushes out the feelings of desire for you.

When a WW has held resentment in her heart for years, and she has lost respect for her H........then her level of desire has been affected before OM ever comes on the scene. Those destructive feelings toward her H, leaves her vulnerable to some type of an A. However, it doesn't mean she will have one.

With that in mind, you can see how she has to turn lose of the
resentment, start respecting her H, and of course.....if there is any type of A, it has to end.

The desire can return. You know your W better than anyone else. Is she the type of woman who refuses to let go of past resentments? Will she put you in the position of striving to be good enough to deserve her? Will you always be adjusting your life in order to accommodate her, as she continues to hunt for her happiness?

The hope has to be that the loss of attraction is driven by some as-of-yet unresolved hurt, anger, loss of respect, doesn't it? Because those in theory could be healed, forgiven, etc. But if it's just biological or a matter of "chemistry", how would it ever come back?

I believe her mental attitude and how she applies herself to the MR will affect her attraction. Sure, women are affected by what they see physically in the H, but the physical beauty fades. The chemistry has to come from a deeper place than just skin deep. If it was strictly biological, there would be no married elderly couples.

It is not easy for the H of a WW! He has to have her respect, and if she is unwilling to do her inner work to get the MR on track.....then there's just so much the H can do on his end. He can insist on her show of respect for him......and he can enforce boundaries, but he can't force her to feel something in her heart.

I don't know if you have thought about this, but it's like the H and his WW are in two separate time frames. (Maybe that's not the best way to describe it). You are wanting the two to become one. There is a process she needs to go through, in order for her to blend with you. And your part is standing your ground on what is right, based on your values, integrity, etc. You know she doesn't respect you and she takes advantage of your good nature,...... and don't forget your NGS accommodating her to keep her happy. She basically rules, and the result is she is miserable b/c her M did not make her happy!

You can determine what you can do to change those dynamics. It won't happen through sitting down and having a heart to heart discussion. Once she is willing to actually put effort into saving her M......then a therapist that's worth his salt, needs to give guidance for the two of you to follow in piecing the M back together. In the meantime, there is that day to day of standing your ground and not putting up with her b.s. The space between the two time frames is uncomfortable b/c you find yourself constantly enforcing boundaries that she doesn't like. It's when you begin commanding respect in your own home, and applying consequences if ignored......and she doesn't like it. It's you not being subservient, period! It's a time that you cannot have expectations for her feelings to change for the better. It's a time she is going to be her worst. It's a time of pressure and testing for you. It's a time you cannot show fear. It's a time you may have to let go. It's a time that two separate wills are in a power struggle. In the past, she always had her way.....regardless. She will not give that up easily. She does not see M as a team. She says she wants equality, but she doesn't. She wants to be in a higher position, and give you the jobs she doesn't like, that doesn't build her self-esteem and make her happy.

Changing the dynamics may not prove to help your stitch, however, continuing with the same old NGS is not working. She is not going to admire or be attracted to a man with NGS.

[JRuss]

Thanks, Sandi. I feel like I'm always the one taking blows and falling backward. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to at least look like I'm not falling apart, because I think my feelings are way too transparent. I have no acting background, so I'm sort of lost as to how this happens, but I figure this is a necessary first step before I can command the sort of respect you're talking about.

[ForGump]

Have your kids noticed that your W is sleeping in the spare bedroom?

[JRuss]

Not yet, Gump. She makes the bed before they're awake. This weekend might be different. She sleeps later, and S10 gets up earlier on weekends, so . . .

[ForGump]

By now both of my kids have noticed that one of us is on the couch and asked why. My IC thinks we should let them know we're having marriage trouble (w/o going into details). But I've only had the heart to just brush off their question by saying it's just more comfortable this way right now. But "divorce" is not on my kids' radar, whereas it appears your kids are much more afraid of it. Just heart breaking, the whole thing.

I don't know how you can be stronger, JR. Don't know....

[JRuss]

Yeah, mine definitely know, and they even know the dynamic (Mom driving the bus, me trying to catch up, etc.). It is heartbreaking.

Screw it -- I'm about to levae for work and, instead of acting like I feel, I'm going to act like a guy who doesn't give a $%&$ and see what that feels like.

[lt0402]

Home isn't the only place you can spend time with your kids. Why not take them to a park, museum, hiking trail, concert, etc., etc.?

It will be easier to focus on the kids when you're away from the tension, and I think the more time you spend focusing on other things, the easier it is to do.

Over the past 5 months, H and I have both stepped up our GAL activities, and our kids certainly haven't complained. ;-)

100% agree with rose here. When I get my D out of the house and away from my W it's like a 500lb weight is lifted off both of us. It's amazing what some sunshine and fresh air will do to your mood JR!

[lt0402]

Screw it -- I'm about to levae for work and, instead of acting like I feel, I'm going to act like a guy who doesn't give a $%&$ and see what that feels like.

Don't act JR. Be that confident guy. No need to act like you don't give a s$&t, just focus on yourself and what makes you happy. hell, draw your confidence from how steadfast you've been in standing up for your M. That takes integrity as a man and you should be proud of that!