Good insight Brian - let her be just now, detach and focus/work on you. Learn the art of validating. Have you read the validation cheat sheet? It's useful for responding to WAS's and for life in general!
You are right where you need to be in terms of insight. The challenge is now to follow that path one day at a time...
Good luck to you my friend
We are currently not talking. I got homework,read up on validating...
Sorry you are here buddy. Its clear to me, based on what you have written, that your W is having a PA. Your W is having sex with another man. So I have to ask you (warning:2x4 coming), where are your balls? You seem to be taking this all VERY well. What your W is doing is not ok and you need to stand up for yourself. She seems to have a very pleasant idea of what D looks like. If you're ok with that, then fine. But I wouldn't be. And if you aren't, then you should make that clear to her. You come across to me as a "Mr Nice Guy." If that what you are, your WW is going to continue to walk all over you. That's what I see is happening. You need to detach, 180, GAL and GO DARK. Go directly to the LRT section of the book. Read the whole book but that's what you need to be doing. Dont engage her in R talk. Its ok to validate but she needs to know that a D will not be so pretty if that's not what you see happening. In order for this to have a chance at turning around, she needs to admit to the A and show genuine remorse. Until that happens, there is no possibility of moving forward. She needs to respect you as a man. So show her the man that you truly are. Stand up for yourself and don't allow her to cake eat, gaslight and walk all over you. Show her what she will be missing if she continues down this path. Become the most awesome Brain that has ever been. Show her that you are fine without her. In fact, show her that you are better without her. Make her see what she is giving up by choosing this path.
I used to have a Boss. He started a meeting once by saying "tough talk for tough times." Well these are tough times, thanks for your insight.
1. If I was a betting man, I would bet it's full PA. Sometimes you want to believe the lie. Honestly hearing she loved another man hurt more. But I will keep an eye out for that 2x4.
2. Guilty of being Mr. Nice guy. That's why she looked flabbergasted when I told her I'm making my own recessions from here out. Secession that make me happy.
3. We are currently not talking and I got my GAL going. I will read up on detaching and going dark..
Since we are not talking and I've been advised to zip my lip about R talk I will post my thoughts here.
We have a lot of problems, all that could be fixed. One problem is blame. My W blames me for all her problems. I think this is to protect her self-esteem. I've read spouses that blame tend to refuse marriage counseling.
We've had lots of problems too. All could be easily fixed/forgiven (no EA, PA, phys abuse, infidelity to my knowledge). W blames me for everything. No matter how little I could have contributed to what makes her mad. Yep, refuses to go to counseling. I agree with you. To protect self-esteem or ease guilt. Seems to be an attribute for WW/WAW/MLC. Anyone see a pattern?
We've had lots of problems too. All could be easily fixed/forgiven (no EA, PA, phys abuse, infidelity to my knowledge). W blames me for everything. No matter how little I could have contributed to what makes her mad. Yep, refuses to go to counseling. I agree with you. To protect self-esteem or ease guilt. Seems to be an attribute for WW/WAW/MLC. Anyone see a pattern?
Hey Cessna- I do think I'm guilty of letting the blame game go on for to long. Like most issues, better to deal with them early.
On another note, I recall a guy on one of these boards. He said his wife blamed him for everything durn her MCL. At first he promised her the world, he would change. Didn't help. THe MCL eventually ran its course. And guess what? She stopped blaming him and accepted him for who he is. Probabluy a good guy.
Here's a copy of a email I received from a long time friend...
"Can't really give you much advice on marriage, not that you were asking for any. I do have some thoughts on happiness I'll share with you."
"I've been chasing happiness for a long time, as I'm sure we all do. What I know now is that no one can make me happy. If you are the source of your Wife's unhappiness, I doubt you are, maybe she should split. But if she's unhappy for her own reasons, I think its unfair for her to expect you to do anything, and unrealistic to think a new Brian will make a difference. My 2 cents."
Since we are not talking and I've been advised to zip my lip about R talk I will post my thoughts here.
We have a lot of problems, all that could be fixed. One problem is blame. My W blames me for all her problems. I think this is to protect her self-esteem. I've read spouses that blame tend to refuse marriage counseling.
Hmmmmm. So the one problem that you point out is your your wife's.
Sounds like she isn't the only one playing the "blame game"
One thing is missing in all of your posts. You focus alot on the A, but you never did say what the reasons were that your W wanted out. You say you read DB, then what were some of the problems in the M and what have you been doing to change?
I stress that no M problem is a reason for having an A, but there usually is some issues in the M to begin with.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
One thing is missing in all of your posts. You focus alot on the A, but you never did say what the reasons were that your W wanted out. You say you read DB, then what were some of the problems in the M and what have you been doing to change?
I stress that no M problem is a reason for having an A, but there usually is some issues in the M to begin with.
I'm willing to accept 50% of the blame for our marriage problems and even the affair. I've been venting about the affair here as I can't air the issue freely with mutual friends.
Problems in M that I was part of: 1. Probably the big one, I didn't meet my wife's emotional needs. This one could get its own post. 2. I stopped wearing the pants in the family. My wife developed a strong personality. To avoid the strong personality I tried to agree on most issues. I think deep down, she wanted me to be a man and make some decisions for us. 3. We stopped dating. I didn't put in any effort to line up babysitters or plan dates. 4. She gave a lot of hints in the last month. She didn't even have a password on her phone. I ignored all the signs. Maybe I gave up or was lazy. 5. We worked opposite shifts for the last 2.5 years. 6. Sex decreased to 1-2 times a month. I guess healthy couples do it a minimum of 2 times a week. 7. I wrongly assumed divorce was never an option. 8. There's a book 5 Languages of Love. My wife's languages are receiving small gifts and acts of service. Knowing this I still didn't make any extra effort. 9. My wife always said, the little things are the big things for her. I always got caught up in the big picture. 10. My wife most likely had post partum depression after our first child. Her primary care doc even said it. Wife wanted to hear none of it. Me wanting to avoid conflict didn't pursue it. I guess if you really love someone, you have to have the tough talks when needed. 11. My wife has show signs of a MCL for the last 6 months. I just ignored the issue rather then deal with it. 12. Early in our relationship I didn't do enough around the house. I have since corrected that. 13. Communication issues, both of us.
Well that's my observation and what she's communicated to me. I have some beefs to but I always just accepted her for who she is over the years.
