Just felt the need to post this in my story. From a fellow DB brother here in the community
Originally Posted By: Zeus to RDS on 9 14 2016
One question I was asked by an employee once was this: What is the difference between VENTING and NEGATIVITY. I thought about it for a few days, and here's what I came up with:
VENTING is when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope. Finding yourself in the red zone you need to blow off some steam to a friend or outlet. But then, after cooling down, you look at your situation, take accountability, and ultimately do better in the future. You think about new ways to look at things, process it, and mentally prepare so next time this stimulus occurs you won't boil over again. You recognize that YOU are the thing that needs to change, and you make those changes.
NEGATIVITY starts the same, when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope, and blowing off steam to a friend or outlet. But then it shifts, and instead of holding yourself accountable, you go on to blame the world around us. You conclude that the world and people in it are the problem, and that there is no way you can not be upset or angry or negative as long as your environment and the people around remain unchanged. This leads to frustration with our inability to control things around us, and a repetitive cycle where we get upset about the same things again and again without growth or relief.
If you are reading this ask yourself..... Are you venting, or keeping your thoughts and reality mired in negativity?
“A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances. ”-James Allen
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I have had a head cold for the past 2 days and it is kicking my behind. You know the kind that you think you feel better until you stand up or actually have to think. Then it's an all systems shut down and grrrrrrr...... Ain't no body got time for this.
roist, thank you again for your words of awareness and wisdom. You are right in that I need to stay aware of keeping my d out of the middle of it all. I have been doing a good job of this and her desire to share with me I think was just to get it off her chest. I have found both d18 and d6 are sharing random bits of info in there own way. I do hear them and then gently change the subject. But a good reminder. The IC sessions for d18 have been good to allow her to discuss these things there.
I appreciate your thoughts also on the bridges and not burning them. This is something that I have thought on. Oddly I feel a strong desire to just focus on myself and create the person in me that will attract the person I beleive that I desire to be partners with and build that wonderful relationship that I am afraid I had given up hope on many years ago. Almost as if I have been given a second chance to get to be the me that I truly am and want to be and be with the person that will love and cherish me. But I get way ahead of myself. My goal is to get to know who I am, what I am capable of being and create what it is that I want to attract first in myself. But, I will not burn bridges. Because that is the higher part of myself that I want to be.
Mach1 my friend. Lines.... Hmmmm.....
I am doing well in spite of this cold. Just feel drained and like there is a dark shadow of depression creeping around the far edges of my mind.... But I am aware and choose not to let it advance... Just am praying for energy to keep pushing forward.
Enjoyed my evening with both my girls in spite of not feeling well.
I did speak with my L yesterday and it appears that the case for d that was filed at the end of April was dismissed because she and her L did not.follow up on things. I think she is a low priority as she has refused to pay for much more than the minimum. My l mentioned something like I had paid more and had the part of the work done that we should have so we just wait on them now. She has mentioned nothing. She can barely acknowledge my presences when we have to see each other for exchange of my d6....... Does it bother me Maybe.... But I choose to not let it.
Don't fight darkness - bring the light, and darkness will disappear. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
SH, did you ever watch the video where the original Sweet Brown interview is mixed and set to music. I'm sure you have! OMG. I love that video. I'm going to have to go watch it again, since you reminded me about her!
I have to say that your news that the original D case has been dismissed is really surprising. And bizarre. And I'm thinking that it must also be a bit frustrating, because you are squarely in limbo again.
It seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I pull see hi in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.
This was about 18 months before he ran away for good. In hindsight, I now know that he was already fully engaged in his wayward/pre-wayward behavior by then (clubbing and telling new "friends" that he was divorced), but the emotional pain I experienced last night was worse than when that particular argument actually occurred, because now I know what was really going on.
At the time, I was mostly in a state of shock because I didn't understand WTF had happened and how it had escalated so rapidly. I was completely taken aback and simply reacting. When he walked out the door and drove back to the house in the other state, I got in the car and followed him. In hindsight, I should have just let him go. It was foreshadowing, but at the time it just seemed like I made an obvious gesture that he was important to me, we talked, and eventually got things back on track.
Apparently not. To my everlasting regret, we didn't go get help right away. Maybe it would have changed something. Or maybe it wouldn't have. I'll never know.
I'm sorry, SH. I just journaled all over your thread. And here I was supposed to be sleeping. : ( It's now after 5 am in my neck of the woods. Drat.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I am doing well in spite of this cold. Just feel drained and like there is a dark shadow of depression creeping around the far edges of my mind.... But I am aware and choose not to let it advance... Just am praying for energy to keep pushing forward.
Hey buddy....
Find one thing this weekend that will take you out of your comfort zone....
Push yourself a little further than you have before with something that you cannot imagine that you would ever do....
What would that look like ??
How could that open a door for you ???
Start to write your own ending, to your story....
Oh, and if you like that line, you should "like" that line....
You got that head cold too? I had it last week thanks to my petri dishes...uh.. I mean beloved children . So remember the motto, believe nothing they say and half of what they do? I am wondering if your W's refusal to follow through with the D is her inner conflict? IF she suddenly had an epiphany that she was making the worst mistake of her life, what would you do? Would you take her back immediately or have specific requirements? I am asking this more out of curiosity since I am still 180'ing and have to decide how I will handle it if WH has a REAL break through.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sorry you're not feeling well Sh, I know exactly the kind of cold you mean. It sounds so...wimpy I guess, to complain (vent? LOL) about having a cold because it sounds so benign, but boy oh boy, they surely make you feel so cruddy. Hope you feel better soon!
What are your feelings about the divorce action your wife filed being dismissed due to her and her lawyer not following thru? Will the fact that you paid and filed the forms she requested make it go thru on your end? Maybe you will not be joining us over in Surviving after all!
Originally Posted By: Sh
Oddly I feel a strong desire to just focus on myself and create the person in me that will attract the person I beleive that I desire to be partners with and build that wonderful relationship that I am afraid I had given up hope on many years ago. Almost as if I have been given a second chance to get to be the me that I truly am and want to be and be with the person that will love and cherish me.
Are you referring to a real person (your wife or some other woman you know) or is the person you want to attract a hypothetical future life partner? You are a great guy, and all the work you are doing on yourself is turning you in to quite a catch, hopefully for your wife once she comes back to her senses, or if she does not, for some other worthy woman.
Originally Posted By: Mach
Start to write your own ending, to your story.... Oh, and if you like that line, you should "like" that line....
This is great advice from Mach. I know that your situation with your wife makes you feel a bit depressed around the edges, that's normal, but how exciting to be given a second chance to be the you that you really are inside. That is exactly how I feel too. I truly wanted to reconcile with my ex, but am now glad that it did not work out, and am so grateful to have been given a second chance. Life is good! And I "liked" that line too!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Phoebe!! Sweet Brown is hilarious! Ain't nobody got time for that!!
Quote:
It seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I pull see hi in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.
Now this make my heart lurch reading..... My last experience with this was the day after my birthday. Ugh..... But I am studying away at the emotions and feeling stuff as I must understand and master this mess in my head. Short version.. We aint broke because we experience this. It can break us if we let it continue. We can be aware and actually put in mental exercises and conditioning to control this. Funny thing I am learning. We control our mind...it does not control us....It is a matter of first knowing, then doing,learning, then doing some more, then doing some more.
But my dear Phoebe...we must get your sleep issues under control. It is adding to your other stresses such as this episode, your shaking, tears etc. I know you have convinced yourself that you are a night owl...that may not be true as much as one believes...I am learning that there are measures you really need to look into and try, and if not, then seek assistance and possible diagnoses of sleep disorders. But poor sleep patterns is not healthy, physically nor mentally. Please do not discount what I encourage you to seek for this.... You owe it to yourself at this point. (((((Phoebe))))) PS, journal away on my thread anytime....at least I know you are still out there and kicking when I see it.
Sara, Yes, the petri dish...lol. I am starting to shake it. I was able to jog and exercise again today after several days off. Still not 100%, but rebounding. You ask a good question..... Unfortunately as I stopped to think on it, the only answer I can muster up is... I may be a WAH at this point. Don't get me wrong. I love her. With all of my heart. But what has transpired over the past 6 months, and what I feel when I see her...when I see the pain behind the my baby girls smiles and strength to simply push on and enjoy each moment...The memory of the pain and way she tore out and did so without explanation....The bitterness behind her eyes that I catch but a momentary glimpse, because she ensures that she does not look at me......I don't know that I can put that behind. I forgive her.....I truly believe that I have forgiven her, because I have no ill will towards her...no anger...simply sadness in my heart at the pain I see her in, the pain she inadvertently causes her baby girls...it hurts, but I forgive her.
I just don't know if I can forget.......
No, the dismissal is merely a formality due to her lack of follow through and efforts. It is a continuous pattern from our years together. it is not a change of heart. The few moments I see her during the week, she is more cold, bitter and angry than ever. She just has no arena to act out in. No one is paying her circus of monkeys an mind.
She wanted to make the big decisions, she just wanted me to handle all of the details....Now she is responsible for doing so herself.....and money does not flow for her. After 20 years of having me just simply take care of the bills and costs for her decisions, she now has to face it on her own. Paying for a D is not like going out to dinner. It is several months salary for a school teacher........ There are many here that will better be able to answer your question in a manner that will benefit you in the case that your H has his own epiphany. And while I can not share for you here, you know I am here for you and will cheer you on and or holler at you if you are giving in too soon. (((Sara))) One of the best Dbers that I have seen in my time here. Much love and respect for you.
RosaLinda, My dear sweet neighbor. Do keep an open chair for me in your neighborhood as I will be there soon. The hold up is an anticipated event, as she has long liked to blame me for in action, but I now see it as projection.
These past seven months have been hell for me and my family, but it has opened my eyes to see more truths about myself without the taint and tint of her comments and judgements of me. The delay for this is on her, while blaming me for it, it is now apparent that I had nothing to do with it....She knows this as she has not brought it up to me again.
My feelings you ask....They are that of, "oh well...." The only thing that changes when it is finalized, is the few dollars per month for child support and the technical legality that I could marry again. So as I was told many times in the beginning, it is a simple piece of paper and really does not change my situation. Many early DBers should heed this as the fear of D, is all in ones mind. I see this clear as day now. Since I followed the advice to legally protect finances early on, there really is no battle to deal with.....Sound advice I received and followed.
Quote:
Are you referring to a real person (your wife or some other woman you know) or is the person you want to attract a hypothetical future life partner? You are a great guy, and all the work you are doing on yourself is turning you in to quite a catch, hopefully for your wife once she comes back to her senses, or if she does not, for some other worthy woman.
I refer to an unknown potential partner in the future...... An unknown woman in an unknown future..... But only after I determine who and what I am in my core. Not a moment sooner. I strongly believe in the law of attraction and I am learning what it is to love ones self, so that I may attract not only a potential partner if that is in the cards, but other relationships that benefit socially, professionally, spiritually. On a planet with like a bazillion people and we get so caught up in the relationship of just one? And for 50% txt one is not even the best option if D is the outcome...... Why hold on so tight and cry over it? I am setting out to understand what that is, how it feels, and the benefits of enjoying a more joyful and peaceful life. I shy away from seeking out another woman until I can do so in a manner that I want, not need the companionship of that person.
I struggle to believe that there could ever be a future with my W in it as my companion. I do pray though that she is in it as wonderful mother form babies and I hold out hope that we can have a wonderful relationship and 2 human beings that are parents of the same little angels.....That door I will always leave open and walk to in hopes.......
Quote:
This is great advice from Mach. I know that your situation with your wife makes you feel a bit depressed around the edges, that's normal, but how exciting to be given a second chance to be the you that you really are inside. That is exactly how I feel too. I truly wanted to reconcile with my ex, but am now glad that it did not work out, and am so grateful to have been given a second chance. Life is good! And I "liked" that line too!
Mach has entered my story at a most opportune time. I do not fully believe in coincidence, so I look to gain from the relationship he has offered me and learn from him.
It is exciting to have a second chance. I am anxious for what it brings. I am confident that I can make better based on what I have learned and experienced. I have people that I count on that need me to do this. I have people that count on me..... This story will have good ending.... This I commit to each and every morning.
Thank you RL for also coming into my story at this time. Your support and kind words lend strength at a time that I need more to push on.
I found this quote appropriate to complete my thoughts here.
People come into your life, and some of those people leave. People change. If they were real while they were in your life remember them that way. Life has a funny way of affecting people. Things happen. Make good memories and always keep moving forward. You're your own director in your own movie. Grant some people main rolls. Let some people play extras. But regardless of who you chose for the credits...Make sure you produce a movie that you're proud of. -Zach Taylor
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Mach!, buddy, my friend and successful DB brother!!
Quote:
Hey buddy....
Find one thing this weekend that will take you out of your comfort zone....
Push yourself a little further than you have before with something that you cannot imagine that you would ever do....
What would that look like ??
How could that open a door for you ???
Start to write your own ending, to your story....
Oh, and if you like that line, you should "like" that line....
Tomorrow....I will join the social circle.....read the story again....read between the lines...share my thoughts.....and I will "like" it.
Challenge accepted. I will make a short list and take it before my D18 as she will keep me honest of the list and what is truly outside of my comfort zone. It is crazy how you seem to know what I am tussling with and you call it out to me... How is that so?
Door....that is what I need to see.....Why is it my whole life I am standing and staring....not sure what the door is that I want...or must.....walk through.....What I want to be when I grow up....what is my calling in life.....who is it that I must serve to make it all have meaning?
uhhhhh....I shake a bit as I let that thought pass through.....That is one of the big demons that stands in my path.......the big one that kept me frozen in complacency in my career....my social circle....my direction in life....my MR...in my actions with my W.....it is a fear that I can not put a shape around.....How do I defeat the demon in my head with no shape?
How do I conquer self???
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.- Buddha
I will LIKE that line......
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
So remember the motto, believe nothing they say and half of what they do? I am wondering if your W's refusal to follow through with the D is her inner conflict? IF she suddenly had an epiphany that she was making the worst mistake of her life, what would you do? Would you take her back immediately or have specific requirements? I am asking this more out of curiosity since I am still 180'ing and have to decide how I will handle it if WH has a REAL break through.
