Something else my therapist said was every once in a while, maybe instigate a non-S conversation. So, I just asked "How's your day going." That petered out really quickly, lasting a couple texts so I just let it die rather than forcing conversation. Actually, when I asked she responded with "are you ok?" a couple times. She also sent me a text meant for someone else and said "oops wrong friend lol." Yuck.
Feeling like she's drifting further away as she's never been this quiet. Oh me oh my....
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I find something very interesting here. It's classis pursuer distance. For a while there you wanted her to back out of your personal life and not have her come to you for hers. You felt you were getting entirely too many texts a day and were holding off on answering them.
Well now she has gone quiet, tried asking about her day, that didn't lead to a big convo and you feel you are drifting farther apart.
Looks like roles have reversed, huh?
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Something else my therapist said was every once in a while, maybe instigate a non-S conversation. So, I just asked "How's your day going." That petered out really quickly, lasting a couple texts so I just let it die rather than forcing conversation. Actually, when I asked she responded with "are you ok?" a couple times. She also sent me a text meant for someone else and said "oops wrong friend lol." Yuck.[quote]
I know this well RSG. My W also shuts down when I try to engage her on non-D related things. Even a simple hello or goodbye is usually met w/ silence.
Best to continue being a lighthouse. Show her that you are fine, regardless of what she does, and mean it. You're really good at that and have been since I've been here.
Ginger says it well and I think this is spot on...
[quote=Ginger1] Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
I keep reminding myself that I didn't get to this point overnight and it won't fix itself overnight. that realization seems to help immensely in waiting out these lulls and downtimes.
Keep being your confident self RSG. It's gotten you good returns in the past and I've no doubt it will in the future too!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Something else my therapist said was every once in a while, maybe instigate a non-S conversation. So, I just asked "How's your day going." That petered out really quickly, lasting a couple texts so I just let it die rather than forcing conversation. Actually, when I asked she responded with "are you ok?" a couple times. She also sent me a text meant for someone else and said "oops wrong friend lol." Yuck.
I know this well RSG. My W also shuts down when I try to engage her on non-D related things. Even a simple hello or goodbye is usually met w/ silence.
Best to continue being a lighthouse. Show her that you are fine, regardless of what she does, and mean it. You're really good at that and have been since I've been here.
Ginger says it well and I think this is spot on...
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
I keep reminding myself that I didn't get to this point overnight and it won't fix itself overnight. that realization seems to help immensely in waiting out these lulls and downtimes.
Keep being your confident self RSG. It's gotten you good returns in the past and I've no doubt it will in the future too!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I agree that things won't fix itself overnight, if we remember this it does help out during the lulls and downtimes. You have been doing great RSG, keep it up!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Thanks Hawker and LT. I do get little down moments. Ginger, that's an interesting observation. Why can't there be a happy medium? Lol
Well, a VERY interesting afternoon. Just before I leave work she asks "Does 5:30 work for you?" Long story short, she got S together with some other kid. We agreed for her to drop him off at 5:15. Then AGAIN asks for 5:30, and though annoyed I say fine. I get to the church just before 5 and decide to wait, because going home THEN going back would just be stupid. At around 5:20, she texts and says "5:45. Sorry." WTF? Sorry, but I will NO LONGER accept being told what to do, when to do it, where to go.
I told her I was going home and she could drop him there. She kept asking if I were still at the church and I kept telling her you can drop him at home. I was SO pissed off. Inconsiderate, taking advantage, telling me what to do. I WILL NOT accept this nor will I forgive it. It will change or I will go. She finally got him home at 6:15. Luckily I got most of my yelling out in the car, and when she drove up I was still angry but it was tailing off. She wanted to chat, but I told her she needs to communicate better and she left.
After I cooled down, I text her and said "These are better scheduled for Friday. He doesn't need to be out so late on a school day, and I would prefer you communicate better." Her: "He wasn't out late. I could say the same about your therapy, he's out until 7 so stop. So sorry you were inconvenienced" noting it was the first time and something he badly needs. I said "I understand he needs socialization, but please communicate better. Also, it feels like you're telling me what's happening, what to do, when to do it, etc rather than asking. It really bothers me."
She sent me a big, sassy OK. I said thanks, and noted I needed some time to cool down because I was in no condition to have a conversation. I asked if she had any info from his day, she said only that he didn't nap but said her surgery is the 23rd and pre-op is next Monday so she won't be at the evaluation. I said "I wish you could be there to support him during the evaluation, but can't argue with that. I'll take care of him no worries." We talked about it a little, and I mentioned "S and I will be thinking of you next week, hoping everything goes smoothly." She just says it's fine, and that she might keep him next TH and take him to school. I say that might be good for both of you. Are you really not too worried about it? "I'm going to be fine, doing what I need to." "OK, just asking don't want to bring up undue stress. I'm glad you went to the Dr. when you did." "Thanks have a good evening." "You too."
I did a good job calming down and not telling her what I REALLY was thinking. I can forgive and work through her dumpster diving for men, even how she refused to parent for months. I will NOT tolerate being ordered around any longer, and if she can't fix this or at least commit to working on it, I cannot do anything but leave. They are my biggest issues with her, crap that started up when she started this mess.
I don't like how she can't even say thanks for my giving positive vibes about her surgery. In this particular instance, she might not have been swooned by it given we had argued but even when we've had good conversations she doesn't show thanks for my concern. LT noted something interesting in his thread that, when his W starts to show cracks she withdraws. I think mine might be withdrawing in this instance, or it's possible she just doesn't care.
This is the angriest I've been in months, but I showed very little and waited until I had calmed down before I contacted her and let her know what my issue was. I think what really confuses me is that she doesn't seem to realize what she's done or how she talks to me. It's very frustrating.
What an end to the day!!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I think we've had conversations about communication before and not seen eye to eye, but I have to say that from over here, I don't think there was anything in the exchange that warranted the level of anger you seem to feel.
Extracting preschoolers from play dates often takes longer than you think, and when you are already running late and trying to text, it's not unusual to be terse, which can come off as bossy.
And expecting to be thanked for expressing best wishes for a surgery? It just feels like you are letting the larger situation cloud your perspective on exchanges that are rather benign.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I think we've had conversations about communication before and not seen eye to eye, but I have to say that from over here, I don't think there was anything in the exchange that warranted the level of anger you seem to feel.
Extracting preschoolers from play dates often takes longer than you think, and when you are already running late and trying to text, it's not unusual to be terse, which can come off as bossy.
And expecting to be thanked for expressing best wishes for a surgery? It just feels like you are letting the larger situation cloud your perspective on exchanges that are rather benign.
You might be right about the latter, I could see that.
However, re the former it isn't a communication issue anymore. It's a nasty habit she's developed. She expects me to do what she wants when she wants it where she wants it, without any explanation. I used to buckle and just take it, thinking it would make the relationship better. I became a doormat. She would treat me like one of her diaper wearing preschoolers. The playdate was immaterial. It was taking for granted 5:30 was ok with me because she said so (she didn't indicate it was a play date until I asked), then agreeing to 5:15 but going back to her original time because she decided THEN telling me I had to wait longer because she said so. No explanation. I know if I did that, she would be livid. She only thinks her time is important. Just like the way she'll talk about "happiness" but doesn't think that my definition of the word might be different.
Also, I tried to call her minutes after she texted for an explanation. Refused to answer, when she keeps her phone in her hands at all times. I'm not sitting around at her beckon call. I had to get home, feed the dog and take him out not sit around in the church parking lot until at least 5:45 and sit in at least 15 more mins of traffic to get home because she decided it's what she wanted to do. Have a problem? Think you're going to be late? Call. Make an effort. Be respectful. Don't just tell me what to do and expect me to take it.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
"I don't like how she can't even say thanks for my giving positive vibes about her surgery. In this particular instance, she might not have been swooned by it given we had argued but even when we've had good conversations she doesn't show thanks for my concern."
She's also not required to do so. Did you wish her well just to get a response from her? If not, then let it go. You wished her well. Period.
"LT noted something interesting in his thread that, when his W starts to show cracks she withdraws. I think mine might be withdrawing in this instance, or it's possible she just doesn't care."
Mindreading. You've been doing alot of that concerning her actions. If you read carefully, you are the one getting yourself angry. Not her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mindreading. You've been doing alot of that concerning her actions. If you read carefully, you are the one getting yourself angry. Not her.
This is called projection.... Psychological Projection... Emotional Displacement... You are basically pushing your emotional hurt and pain into her actions. You will gain nothing from this And typically it will enhance your pain, struggles and suffering throughout this process.
This is why it is so important to learn about and work on healthy detachment....
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
