The Woman is Pure Evil

[Ginger1]

Perrier? I worked per diem. We seriously need an edit button

[Zues126]

Thank you for the reply Ginger. While I don't celebrate the adversity you've faced, it is good to have people from both sides of the gender divide weigh in.

You're right, had you been less supportive during your relationship, leaned on him to provide, and acted helpless and needy, well, when he left you could've have had a pretty easy road for yourself. Well, at least you have your dignity and integrity. I know I have no regrets about making the choices I made, from working hard, to putting my heart in XW's hands, to making myself totally vulnerable legally. Even with how things played out I wouldn't do it differently because it's the only thing I could've done.

To be fair...I should mention that XW was the stay at home mom and did the vast majority of the parenting during our M, and post D there are a lot of things she still is taking the lead on in terms of getting kids to doctors, getting glasses, etc. I have stepped up a lot, but am not at 50% across the board. And she is a great mom in so many ways. My point is that while I am court ordered to work and pay a ton of money, she is court ordered to continue to care for my children. I'm not suggesting anything is one sided. But it is definitely a difficult situation for all involved.

[MoveFrwd]

I understand and agree with both of you. I think the system stinks. The way it's set up is that the high income earner has to continue to provide for the low income earner after divorce. And if the system allows either party to just quit whenever, leaving the high income earner financially exposed.

My point was really more about RDS's attitude towards his W's employment. If I can feel his resentment over a few words on the Internet, then I'm sure his W could feel it before she left.

[Zues126]

Agreed that we have to be careful about how we process or anger. I just posted this the other day and people responded with how they use these forums to express the anger here so they don't lose it with their WAS. But I agree that while it's ok to be angry, we have to be very careful about how we choose to process that anger. When we become diminishing and hurtful in our thoughts it will come across in our behavior whether we realize it or not, and ultimately that is not being our best selves.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...422#Post2703422

[SH_]

Agreed that we have to be careful about how we process or anger. I just posted this the other day and people responded with how they use these forums to express the anger here so they don't lose it with their WAS. But I agree that while it's ok to be angry, we have to be very careful about how we choose to process that anger. When we become diminishing and hurtful in our thoughts it will come across in our behavior whether we realize it or not, and ultimately that is not being our best selves.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...422#Post2703422

Well said Zeus.
We become our thoughts.
To vent anger would be to let it pass through
To continually dwell in the anger leads to rumination then the belief of what the anger tells us.
Then we become that which it convinces us to be.
Process anger appropriately is key.
The process should be a short one.
Dwell on it with spite and hurt is dangerous to ones well being.

[Ginger1]

I agree, dwelling in anger hurts us mostly.

This is coming from someone who dwelled in the anger of what her exH and his OW did for, um, years.

My real growth and peace came when I stopped doing that.

[RDS]

My point was really more about RDS's attitude towards his W's employment. If I can feel his resentment over a few words on the Internet, then I'm sure his W could feel it before she left.

Actually darknes, when she finally got a job in January I was happy and I tried to convey my happiness to her. Of course we were barely on speaking terms so I don't think she listened to me. I thought she was finally pulling her weight to help get us out of debt, even if the income was small.

I was very bitter during the last few years of her not having a job and I will tell you why.

When I retired out of the Air Force I took a job that required extensive travel and very long hours. The pay was very good so I did it. I would be gone months at a time. But what made that part awesome was my wife would travel to see me all the time. We had wonderful times in NYC, Santa Fe, Las Vegas, Phoenix, and many other places. What I didn't know was she was drowning us in debt. When I finally discovered it is when our M started slowly going downhill. I started to really resent her, but I loved her deeply so I allowed her to not work in the stressful jobs and even when she stopped working because of health reasons (her excuse) I carried on, but my resentment grew on a daily basis. She didn't even take care of the house. It was like she was parasite. She took and took and gave nothing back.

My anger toward her job came after she left me. She has used her not working for four years and her low paying job as reasons she can't get better work and she needs my support and the BS legal system accommodated her with open arms. Not only did my W ruin my financial stability during our M, the judicial system is twisting the screws on my financial life and my W is literally laughing all the way to the bank. I sat there dumbfounded when the judge was delivering her order. I really thought I was in a wacko universe. I couldn't understand how a system would reward her for putting us in tens of thousands of dollars in debt, stop working in a high paying career field, and eventually quit working altogether, and somehow it was my fault.

If she had to take of herself totally there is no doubt in my mind she could easily get a job that pays her what she is getting from me and what she is making now. In fact, I would be surprised if she couldn't get much more than that, but there is no incentive to do that. It's like the people on unemployment. As long as the government kept extending the benefits the longer people stayed unemployed.

However; my W does not know I hold her job in low regards. Pettiness and anger will not improve my situation so I try to remain upbeat around her. I do want my W back. There is no denying it. But to be honest, I would be lying if finances were not part of the reasons I want to stay together. It's a small reason, but it is a reason.

[RDS]

I really appreciate all the responses. It's given me a lot to think about as I go through this.

[Zues126]

One question I was asked by an employee once was this: What is the difference between VENTING and NEGATIVITY. I thought about it for a few days, and here's what I came up with:

VENTING is when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope. Finding yourself in the red zone you need to blow off some steam to a friend or outlet. But then, after cooling down, you look at your situation, take accountability, and ultimately do better in the future. You think about new ways to look at things, process it, and mentally prepare so next time this stimulus occurs you won't boil over again. You recognize that YOU are the thing that needs to change, and you make those changes.

NEGATIVITY starts the same, when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope, and blowing off steam to a friend or outlet. But then it shifts, and instead of holding yourself accountable, you go on to blame the world around us. You conclude that the world and people in it are the problem, and that there is no way you can not be upset or angry or negative as long as your environment and the people around remain unchanged. This leads to frustration with our inability to control things around us, and a repetitive cycle where we get upset about the same things again and again without growth or relief.

This helps me hold myself accountable. Everyone boils over sometimes. But at what point do we recognize that we only control ourselves and that we are responsible for doing so?

In regards to the comparison to welfare, that is a great example. It does stink to see the system misused, and there is definitely opportunity for improvements and reform. It helps me to remember that for me, personally, I would rather live in a world that has provisions in place to prevent people from living in destitute, even if that means I have to settle for lower speed internet, than to live in a world where there is no system in place, and the people that are dealt tough hands in life are ground up mercilessly.

Appreciate your kind words RDS. I resonate with so much of what you say. The fact that I can express your thoughts so clearly simply means I've felt so much of the same, the only difference is that I've been sorting through this for longer. It's good to be able to talk about it for sure, going over it again and again in our minds isn't spinning our wheels as long as we are doing so with the intention of constructing attitudes and narratives that ultimately allow us to be our best selves and find some peace of mind.

[SH_]

One question I was asked by an employee once was this: What is the difference between VENTING and NEGATIVITY. I thought about it for a few days, and here's what I came up with:

VENTING is when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope. Finding yourself in the red zone you need to blow off some steam to a friend or outlet. But then, after cooling down, you look at your situation, take accountability, and ultimately do better in the future. You think about new ways to look at things, process it, and mentally prepare so next time this stimulus occurs you won't boil over again. You recognize that YOU are the thing that needs to change, and you make those changes.

NEGATIVITY starts the same, when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope, and blowing off steam to a friend or outlet. But then it shifts, and instead of holding yourself accountable, you go on to blame the world around us. You conclude that the world and people in it are the problem, and that there is no way you can not be upset or angry or negative as long as your environment and the people around remain unchanged. This leads to frustration with our inability to control things around us, and a repetitive cycle where we get upset about the same things again and again without growth or relief.

This helps me hold myself accountable. Everyone boils over sometimes. But at what point do we recognize that we only control ourselves and that we are responsible for doing so?

In regards to the comparison to welfare, that is a great example. It does stink to see the system misused, and there is definitely opportunity for improvements and reform. It helps me to remember that for me, personally, I would rather live in a world that has provisions in place to prevent people from living in destitute, even if that means I have to settle for lower speed internet, than to live in a world where there is no system in place, and the people that are dealt tough hands in life are ground up mercilessly.

Appreciate your kind words RDS. I resonate with so much of what you say. The fact that I can express your thoughts so clearly simply means I've felt so much of the same, the only difference is that I've been sorting through this for longer. It's good to be able to talk about it for sure, going over it again and again in our minds isn't spinning our wheels as long as we are doing so with the intention of constructing attitudes and narratives that ultimately allow us to be our best selves and find some peace of mind.

Zeus!

You are on fire today with wisdoms and thoughts that must be pondered and applied.
Just had to give ya a virtual high 5 for the explanation of venting and negativity.
I've been looking for a simple and concise thought for that and I look no more because you have provided.

Thank you brother. I appreciate it.
RDS, good stuff to discuss and explore and so long as you can set your own terms for acceptance and move forward, you will arrive at a place that our friend Zeus has.

Good stuff today.