My Wife Walked Out 6

[sandi2]

I know some of the things I need to see before my walls come down. Increased time with S being paramount. Also, stop telling me what to do, speaking to me in a respectful manner as much as possible, not taking advantage of me or situations, opening up more, being interested more in me, etc.

Well I sound like a nagging W when I remind you that she is not going to stop treating you that way..........until you show her she can't get away with it.

[CT1118]

Hahaha, Ginger! I hate typing here on my iPad too.

[RSG]

Wow, just when you thought you weren't getting many responses lol!

Let me address these individually.

Sandi, I always appreciate the reminders. Being treated with respect has probably been the #1 thing I focused on after reading your rules and WW notes. There's no outright, blatant disrespect these days. When I feel slighted I make it known in a non verbal manner, and when I feel it demands calm but determined confrontation I do that. I'm definitely never going to be a doormat again.

CT, I have a few pictures of her in the house but they're with all 3 of us or just S. On the fridge. They don't freak me out. If anything, they remind me of who my W really is and to try not to stay angry but to be a lighthouse for her.

Tattoo. I am waiting for ME. I know I'd look at it and think of the separation if reconciliation were to happen. If/when D happens, my son will be even more important to me (if that's possible lol) and will be a reminder of who I am living my life for. I think it could be fun for W to go and support me if we are reconnecting, but that's a secondary thing for sure. Haha, thanks for the advice re Mtn Dew CT I'll have to remember that.

Family picture. My S is just too immature to appreciate a picture of his parents together. So, for now, I feel it's best to do as little as possible. Ginger, thanks for bringing it up though. If my boy does eventually ASK for us to get a picture together, I don't think I could refuse that.

Walls. It is something I've realized as time has gone on. I have QUICKLY put up my own walls. Hers may be coming down by a few inches, but mine certainly haven't. I'm protecting my feelings, and paying very close attention to things. I'm not being extra sensitive, but I'm learning to wait until some word or action is consistent before I accept it. My wounds are healing, but the last thing I want is for a newly formed scab to come bursting open.

As for today, it was amazing! Little guy had a great time with his Nana and Papa. He was well behaved, had a lot of fun, was very affectionate, talkative and just plain happy. I let him have some cookie cake, and he got a little sugar high, but it actually wasn't bad. Then, my Dad brought home some grub for my brother who was also there, and got a little snack for S. Kid ate 4 boneless wings, 2 pieces of buttered toast and a few fries! He got some great presents, both fun and educational. And he loves the little computer I got him. We came home, sweetie pie got to sleep in about 30 minutes. It was a great day. W would have loved it. Too bad, her poor choice!!

[RSG]

Well, we did text a bit this evening. About the cost of her surgery, about Little Guy's hitting and pinching phenomenon (it is getting better) and that she's keeping him tomorrow until 7. She always seems to know when my counseling is lol.

A couple thoughts today: She seems to be back on the "S deserves 2 happy parents" narrative, but "happy" is only according to her definition. There is little to no thought to what happiness means to me. And I'm not even talking about marriage....

She doesn't want to stick around and chat for the most part at drop off. If I have a legitimate question, I have to text because she jets off and I'm not chasing her down. She usually answers texts relatively quickly. This seems to mirror how she feels about S. She has her fill of him and is done parenting, but will always express love for him and always wants to know how he's doing.

Speculation: First, this might sounds nuts but I thought about it the other day. Could it be possible she has an ulterior motive in wanting me to take care of S the vast majority of the time? As in, keeping me from going out much and being noticed? Hmm.
Two, when I told my best friend she had different color hair weekly he said "Isn't that what women do in a crisis?" He's more experienced with women than I am so I didn't really know, but it seemed logical to me. Couple that with the fact her narrative seems to change tells me he might be right. She doesn't seem to know what she wants or which direction she wants to go. (Today it was literally blue/green btw)

I guess what I'm noticing is why it's so important to not be so up and down WITH them. I'm trying to be the lighthouse for her, but so far she hasn't really come to me as anything other than a parent. Incidentally, I saw on Facebook that the "Only believe 50% of what you see and none of what you hear" quote attributed to Edgar Allan Poe!

Not much going on, just thought I'd throw a few things out there I've been thinking about and have noticed....

[mvgfwd2]

Maybe change things up a bit. At the next drop off dress like your going out on a date with some new cologne. If she asks just say you met some friends or something. No details. Just leave it to her imagination. Give her a reason to think you are not going to wait for her and be available.

[RSG]

Logistics won't really make that scenario work, but I'm trying to work something out with my best friend for Saturday night. Rather than text, I'll ask her to keep S in person and when asked just keep it vague as you mention....

[Coconut]

be careful with trying to do things to get a reaction. If you're really living your life, improving yourself and being a better person, it will be noticed. Don't try and create scenarios to get a reaction, it's fake and will likely be seen that way, and it's the long term consistent changes that make a difference.

[cbtdad]

I completely agree with Cnut. It's long lasting changes that you rally want for yourself that make them think twice. Just keep working on being the best you. I think you are noticing things a lot better now and how this can be a roller coaster ride with the stage you are in. It's her emotions and her not knowing what she wants is what causes that. Just continue to control you and the actions that you can

[RSG]

I see what you guys are saying, I guess that is a little too much like throwing out the dancing bear and seeing how she reacts to the show lol.

I guess it's just being in this stage where it feels like nothing is happening that makes me want to see a reaction here and there. I am definitely continuing to work on me, for me. I think after I put the little guy down tonight I'm going to start reading Gottman.

I do believe I'm able to read things better than ever now. I wish she'd open up a little because it is frustrating feeling like things are so tepid, but I guess that's just part of her journey.

Thanks for the reassurance guys. And to make sure my boat stays on course and out of the waves!

[RSG]

Well, it's been a weird day. No communication until she sent a text while I was in counseling about when/where we were meeting for drop off. I mentioned I was just leaving counseling I said "hope you guys had fun." Then, when I arrived around 7 she was getting on me because he woke up at 4:30 and I didn't put him back down to sleep even though he has to wakeup at 6 so we can get going for school. We were talking while she was in the car, and in mid conversation turns, puts headphones in says "alright" and jets off.

So, after we got home I text and said "Was there a problem with him today?" expecting the freak out to be because he acted up or had a problem. Nope, just that he was tired and was still napping at 3 when she picked him up. She said why did you ask that, and I responded "I asked if you guys had fun and you didn't respond, and you seemed irritated at drop off." A few minutes later "He's in the newsletter." She said they had a good night just laughing and tickling, she wasn't agitated, asked me to kiss him goodnight and would check the newsletter. I said "OK, I will. Hope you had a good day." Nothing....

Very strange.

Counseling went well. She still thinks I'm doing well, and asked me what I thought my walls meant and what I could do to get them to come down. I told her I thought it was W job to get my walls down, because I had put them up to guard my feelings. I told her about what happened with the birthday weekend, and what that might mean. We came back to that when I mentioned she changes her hair color weekly, seems to change her narrative, and goes hot and cold periodically. Her woman's perspective was that it does sound like she's searching for something, but really hasn't figured out much if anything. She changes her hairstyle, because it's something she control and her moods are in such flux.

It sounds like my job right now, as difficult as it sounds, is to be a lighthouse. She just noted I need to try to be as patient as possible, because if I pry and probe too much while she's in this stage she may shut down or prematurely determine that I (and our family) ARE in fact why she's unhappy.

We talked about my boundaries, and she was very pleased with how I enforce them. Also, that my validation, listening and communication skills continue to improve and are becoming more natural.

I always come back from counseling in a good mood, but W was so weird tonight. Then, S had such a difficult time getting to bed....not feeling so great now. W is kind of indicating she doesn't want to talk, so I'm not going to push it. She's on her journey. My Mr Fix It is really coming out because I want to help, but I know that will likely end pushing her away.....