Still here and need support 2

[SH_]

I just do not understand why LBH's feel they must reaffirm how they don't want a D.......and especially right after the WW has lied, or shown some other form of disrespect. It's not like she is scared to death you've changed you mind and now want a D! Why must you always jump in there to assure her that although she is rotten as a bad potato, you are going to hang on tight to keep the M? That's just not attractive to a WW.

She should feel concerned that she has treated you so badly that now she's going to lose you. But no........b/c you are always reminding her that she still has you.

I had to remind WAW that there has been little to no verbal communication since she moved out and nothing lately has changed.

Look, instead of "reminding"her, as if she has amnesia........why not have a nonchalant attitude with her? When she gives these types of loaded statements, that you know perfectly well are bait........just say, "S'pose so". Or something that would sound as equally unexciting.....or that you could care less that she thinks you've acted a bit disconnected!

poschan, sandi2 is providing gold for you at no charge.
You need to take it and cash in.
You are gonna want to read this a dozen times and maybe even print it.

Brace yourself my friend.
A barrage of 2x4's are coming next.

It is time for you to study what you need to do.
Practice what you study.
Man up and start looking the part of the confident, attractive, strong man that his W or any other woman would want.

This was your first post in May, you said that the BD was in February.
Read it.
Read the entire thing.
Then tell me if it looks and sounds just like your last couple of posts.

I found out in February that my W was looking for a place to move. We have a D7. M for 12 years; T 14 years. At first I did all the wrong things (pursued, pleaded, etc.) until I came across this forum and DB and DR books. I still fall into the same patterns attempting to save our M. I absolutely fear devastating D7 and losing daily contact with her. I lost 20lbs due to the stress and anxiety. I have had 2 sessions with a DB coach. We are currently in the same house (separate BRs) with very little communication. No D papers filed yet but W has begun a marriage dissolution agreement and we have discussed a parenting plan (she has agreed to even time with D7). She wants to D without L. We still do family activities together and I am wondering if I should stop that for now...
Last night, W said she found a house to rent and was going to put down a deposit. Unfortunately, I fell into some of the same behaviors in attempts to get her to reconsider our M. I am having a hard time focusing on me and doing what is best for me and D7. This has been a wake up call for me to work on myself whether we are able to R or not. I've been trying to GAL. I work from home so this has been difficult as I am usually the one who is home to care for D7 during the week. During the past 2 weeks I have been out when W expected me home and did not return her calls. I have also started dressing better in the AM even though I work from home. She said something is up and said I was lying that I wasn't going anywhere all dressed up. I told her that I was going to the store (which I was) and was not lying even got my bible prove (wrong again I know). She then said this is why we will never work. She started a new job about 2 years ago which is very social and this is when I feel things started to deteriorate. Lack of communication seems to me to be the biggest issue but it seems too late as she has told me she "is not in love with me anymore or attracted to me and how does someone get that back?" I am an attractive, professional man. Not sure if she is having an EA but have had suspicions. Not that it would matter re: a D anyway and would only hurt me more if I found out she was. Sorry for the all over the place dialogue and I look forward to any support/insight.

Now read my first post to you.
I ask that you do this, because our timelines are basically the same.
I shared the advice, because it was provided to me and saved me from a dark time.
So dark I dare not share details other than what you will find in my story.

Poschan,

I am sorry you are in this situation and I know first hand the shock of it all. My straight forward advice is to review and study the homework from cadet, review and study DR and DB.
The most important thing to remember is that you must make the changes for yourself. Bar none this is the most important thing to do. It is counter intuitive. You will struggle and even make mistakes, but you must stick to it and change for you.
Focus also on being the best father on the planet for d7. The time with her will provide strength and moments of well needed joy. You will need that energy to get through the emotional and mental roller coaster. D7 will look to you and will know your love as you do this.

Post regularly here as there is much good advice, caring people going through what you are, and sincere genuine support.

It will be challenging but hang in there and you will come out better for it on the other side.

Now we are here.
You appear to be stuck in the same place.
Basically begging and whimpering about what your W has chosen to do.
I understand there is a process and a normal cycle with the basic stages.
I know that the time it takes each person will vary.
But
Can I share a little secret with you?


You control the time that it will take to push through this.
You control it with the decisions that you make.
You control it with the effort that you put into it.
You control it with the thoughts that you allow to govern your mind
You control You.

So I ask you......
Have you followed the advice that I gave you the first day you came here for support?
Have you studies DB/DR, cadets material?

What are you reading about to calm your mind?
To understand the situation that you are in?
To identify the healthy emotional behaviors that you must practice and make a habit from?
Are you visiting an IC?
Are you meditating?
Are you taking part of different social circles?
Have you taken up some hobbies or activities that engage your mind?
Physical excersise?
Set up personal plans that you will start pursuing for you and your future?
Are you seeking guidance in this community.....and then following it?

I do not mean to sound harsh and I definitely am not judging....but I see some that fall into the trap of letting stages of this process go on too long......it is now their habit and may soon simply be who they are in their being......That surely not a reason that anyone comes in here looking for now is it?

Please hear me and the others that are sharing advice that you desperately need to put into practice.
Your future self will thank you.
Your future self will thank you sooner if you get on the ball now and get to work.

Are you in?
Can you do this?
Will you do it?
It is all in what you think....

“The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can't are both right.”-Confucius


I pray for you and your family.
I pray that you will understand the words that I share with you and use them to fire up the strength that lies within you to stand up and be the strong attractive man only a fool would leave.

[poschan]

Thanks Sandi and Rich for the 2x4 and feedback. I guess part of the problem is being too nice and helpful. I guess I am still in the mode of doing everything in my power not to get D. I know in my heart that she does not feel the same so I need to accept reality and move on with it. I need to get my b_lls back...
Feeling under the weather these past few days after a great full weekend with d8. Not sure why I feel so lethargic and out of energy.

Rich - thanks for the reminder and encouragement.

[poschan]

SH - I need some time to digest before I post back...

[poschan]

quick update:
yesterday I called to talk with d8 and WAW had me on speaker (her cell phone) and kept interjecting...so I asked d8 to call me when she got home before bed. WAW confronted me twice, once yesterday and today, about me cutting her off. I told her I was sorry she felt that way. Today we had a parent teacher conference for d8 and she confronted me again about it. after the conference, I told WAW to have a nice day as I went to the bathroom before leaving. When I got outside she was waiting for me with hands on hips saying "you cant even walk out with me?!". I told her I had to go to the bathroom and didn't want to argue with her, told her again to have a nice day and walked to my car.
I can hardly sit in the same room with her.
On a positive note, I found a new counselor and had a great session yesterday. She is helping with diet and exercise too which is great. Helping me to cut the ties that are hold me back and down. have d8 the next 3 days so looking forward to that.

[SH_]

SH - I need some time to digest before I post back...

Take your time.
That is the one thing that cadet shares with all of us when we arrive.
We have the gift of time....

yesterday I called to talk with d8 and WAW had me on speaker (her cell phone) and kept interjecting...so I asked d8 to call me when she got home before bed. WAW confronted me twice, once yesterday and today, about me cutting her off. I told her I was sorry she felt that way. Today we had a parent teacher conference for d8 and she confronted me again about it. after the conference, I told WAW to have a nice day as I went to the bathroom before leaving. When I got outside she was waiting for me with hands on hips saying "you cant even walk out with me?!". I told her I had to go to the bathroom and didn't want to argue with her, told her again to have a nice day and walked to my car.
I can hardly sit in the same room with her.

I can relate to this.....
You sound to have handled it as best as could be hoped for.

On a positive note, I found a new counselor and had a great session yesterday. She is helping with diet and exercise too which is great. Helping me to cut the ties that are hold me back and down. have d8 the next 3 days so looking forward to that.

This is good to hear. A good IC can do wonders. Congrats.
I love the 3 day stretch with my little angel.
It should do you well.
Enjoy the time my friend.

[poschan]

Took my IC advise and worked out yesterday for 2+ hours- the advise is to sweat at least 20 min per day and every other day based on schedule (I guess I am making up). Did another hour sweat today. I've noticed that its my emotional body that it tired. Physically I feel great except for this lingering head cold. The IC also wants me to start eating a more alkaline diet (lots of greens) and eliminate caffeine. Also wants me to Epson salt soak twice a day for magnesium. did first soak this am.
Got a text from d8 today via WAW phone asking if I would bring out dog and meet them at the dog park. I said yes even though I planned to work today and go over the latest draft of D documents (ugh).
When I got to park, d8 came up and gave a tremendous hug an WAW was polite. 2 other divorced moms and their kids showed up to meet d8 and WAW so it was awkward. After d8 and her friends hugged and petted the dog the went off to play. I decided to leave as it didn't feel right being there with WAW and her new friends. I said good bye politely and walked off. d8 and friends came and said goodbye. AS I got to my car d8 wanted me to come over again and I did for another hug and goodbye.
I feel now somewhat guilty like I should have stayed longer but just didn't feel right. WAW hardly said a word to me anyway and was conversing with her friends. In last session, my IC is trying to help me with some of the anxiety by picturing attachments to WAW and cutting and discarding them. A text I got from WAW last week about finances brought on a severe anxiety attack of hot skin and messed up stomach. I am starting to think it may be best just to get the D over so I can move on and not have to worry about all the D issues anymore. Kind of all over the place today; thanks for any feedback.

[poschan]

"advice"

[SH_]

poschan,

Swing by BluWaves's thread.
We are discussing the difference between emotions and feelings.
I have been studying and learning about this since my dark days go chaos with the uncontrollable emotions that led to feelings and actions that I look back on and say WTF!??!!?

Anyway, I commend you for working with the IC.
Interesting approach with the focus on physical exercise and diet.
What kind of IC are you seeing. What does your IC specialize in?

And as for advice of your experience with the WAW and D8.....
Don't dwell on it.
You did what you were comfortable with.
There is no right or wrong answer for how you handled it.
But the right answer for now is not to dwell on it, ask what you should have done, or feel guilty for leaving or staying.
None of that benefits your mental and emotional psyche right now.

Another point that was made tome and now I understand.
Getting the D done does not change your situation.....
So if you are thinking to do it in hopes that it will, I caution you to take some big steps backwards.......
You will not benefit from it for the reasons that you may think emotionally.

Google what you should know before deciding to initiate a D.
Eery list I read, states, do not do it from an emotional state.......

Have you looked into meditation by chance?
Lets get anxiety and other emotional states under control before you make any major decisions.

[poschan]

SH - thanks for the input
I have been meditating daily after joining a mindfulness meetup group that I try to attend every other week due to parenting schedule.
Regarding initiating a D; WAW has sent me drafts of the D docs including MDA and PP and I had to hire a L to review and revise. I did my review yesterday and waiting to discuss with L. Once we send the revisions to WAW and she is satisfied, it will be on her to file for the D. I was more referring to the extra added stress and time involved with the documents and would like to get it behind me. This is God's plan for me and I am surrendering (trying to) and accepting my situation unconditionally.
The new IC is Susan Davis - New Human Resolution
some of her techniques involve - Past Life Resolution is an eclectic coaching technique which encourages deep insights into patterns of behavior and emotional reactions resulting from pre-birth, birth, and post-birth events and memories. It provides a powerful tool for psychic integration.
Today was my first pre-work workout with 20 minutes of sweating 30 total on elliptical. I've started the Epsom salt foot soak too supposed to keep doing for 3 weeks.
I will head over to BluWave thread and check out the discussion.

[poschan]

SH -
What are you reading about to calm your mind?
--Right now A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and the Bible
To understand the situation that you are in?
--Mostly these boards - any other suggestions?
To identify the healthy emotional behaviors that you must practice and make a habit from?
--mostly these boards and A New Earth is also very enlightening in this respect - any other suggestions?
Are you visiting an IC?
--Yes
Are you meditating?
--Yes
Are you taking part of different social circles?
--Need to venture out more for sure; I am somewhat of an introvert so this would be a good 180
Have you taken up some hobbies or activities that engage your mind?
--I try and kayak, walk/run, mountain bike when I can; working on making a better schedule. Any other suggestions?

Set up personal plans that you will start pursuing for you and your future?
--On my to do list
Are you seeking guidance in this community.....and then following it?
--I am and I appreciated everyone's input and I pray that we all will come out on the other side enlightened and fulfilled. Learning more about just Being and being present in the moment; stopping from revisiting the past and pondering the future