MLC, WAW or WW,,, Who really knows? - round 2

[ROE]

So, I guess I need to start a new thread. I'll try to paste a link to the previous thread:


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2699618#Post2699618

I hope that worked, I will post more tomorrow. But,,,,,

W just bomb dropped me that she has a place to move to immediately (actually I'm not sure that qualified as a true BD, I've been waiting for this one, in fact W is only holding true to her word),,,,

However, it's Not w/OM,,? BTY...

I think I did well. Stood my ground, may have possibly enforced a boundary. I'll chime in more tomorrow. It's late, I'm tired. Post tomorrow:)..

ROE

ROE

[RosaLinda]

Good job linking your threads! It took me a while to get the hang of that. Sorry your W is moving out, but that's good that it's not with the OM, that will be better for your kids.

Can't wait to hear about standing your ground and your boundary!

[ROE]

Hi Linda, I can't take full credit. I noticed that Cadet polished it up for me a little

Well, I don't know that there is much to standing my ground. It was a small victory for me only because after the fact I realized that I created a boundary and enforced it. WW was a little irritated but nothing serious there either.

Yesterday evening WW approached me and told me that she found a place to move into immediately. When I questioned "where"? She mentions that it is sharing a home with someone (female) she just met, a single parent to one of my daughters BFF's. Now maybe they actually met 2-3 months ago but only started meeting for drinks in the past 2-3 wks. The irony is this place is apx 30 mins away from here and at least that from OM apartment. Not what I expected but,,, OM lives on the same road I've been driving to and from work for the past 24 yrs. so maybe it's easier to be more covert. After all 30 mins really is nothing for OM to drive.

Or,,,,, the other option,,,, there would be one of our rental properties that would be vacant by end of month and that I could move into that apartment "if I wanted" and she could live in our new home with the kids. Which BTW, the apartment also is on the same road I've been driving to and from work for the past 24 yrs. just a very short walk from OM's apartment. To be honest, I already knew last month the apartment would be vacant and for many months always thought that would be where she would move to. So my response was calm and reminded her that, none of this is "what I want" and that she was the one whom "checked out" of our MR she needs to be the one to move out unless she wants to work on the MR otherwise we need to part ways. She nodded as if accepting the answer but then in less than 5 minutes tried to sell me on the idea 2 times,, it's closer to my work,,, there is a school bus pick up near by (the apartment is not in the same school district). To which both times I calmly rejected the offers and reminded her that she doesn't want the marriage so she should make her statement by moving out and she should also be the one to start the legal aspect of filing for D. This irritated the $h1t out of her and she stormed off like an ol wet hen. That was my stance. Nothing serious but a starting point to move forward.

I'm sure the next test is coming and most likely very soon. She's going to start moving her stuff out. Possibly this week would be my guess. I will consult a lawyer hopefully this week also. We received our funds from closing on a property of ours so that's a big help financially. Son"things just got real". Here we go,,,,

ROE

[sandi2]

I am a little confused. What was the boundary?

Are the two of you still sleeping in the same bed?

[RosaLinda]

Good work Roe, controlling your "nice guy" tendencies, and calmly reiterating that since she is the one who wants out, she should be the one who moves out. Does your wife intend to take your kids to live at her girlfriend's home with her? Please see a lawyer before this all actually happens.

[ROE]

Hi Sandi2, your right not much of a boundary I suppose. Telling W she needs to be the one to move out instead of me. She wasn't very impressed either.

Boundaries are tough especially when neither one of us ever imposed them on each other before. Really, the true boundary must be applied toward OM and their relationship. I do think that one might already be too late. Most of the advice I'm getting from friends and family is to D and move on. Somehow between now and then I have to figure out or realize if there is anything to save. The past few days I've stayed to myself and kids. We cohabitate and that's how we leave it. She has her head in the clouds. She has at least 2 but working on 3 of my kids looking up to him. Not because of anything he's done but more because she takes them to him and coaches him on filling their needs. Not much of a dad if I can't fill my own kids needs. I'm looked at the person that takes the fun out of everyone's lives. He is constantly spending money on them. Buying my 2 youngest daughters treats. Taking them out for full day adventures including fancy dinners. Paying my middle daughter for babysitting and bringing her gifts. Paying my S15 $20-25/ hr to do odd jobs. This is all put together and promoted by my WW. You see,,, none of this happened before, ever. Only after everyone began to realize there was something weird going on between my the best friend and My W. These things are all happening without my knowledge prior to or during. All the while I'm being demonized by my WW. This is enough to make a normal person lose their effin mind... Then my oldest D17 wants her BF to stay the night (which I won't allow) to only fight with her because my W states in front of D that she doesn't and has never cared. That I'm the only one who cares. So I'm the bad guy, again!

Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm venting. And I'll work on the boundaries concept.

ROE

[ROE]

Hi Linda, I'm probably still too nice about everything. I'm feeling huge anger inside but because I'm being set up to fail by showing any anger toward anyone in my household, warranted or not. I'm made out to be a bad mean spiteful man. But I feel much less than a man most of the time. I must be sliding into deep depression as every aspect of my life seems to be going totally wrong. The more I try to right the ship, the more respect gets lost. Somehow and somewhere I forgot how to be the man of my own home. I can't be assertive and I certainly can't be passive. It all works against me. Stern or kind. If I enforce anything, I'm doing it alone with my W in the background sabotaging all attempts to bring stability in the house, even when I try to enforce her ideals. Yes, even then it backfires. I need some kind of a positive break. For once.

I've reached a point where I feel I am the only problem in our home. I'm sure this is part of WW's plan to convince the kids to want to live with her. Especially, since I told her she should be the one to leave the house. She told me just this morning the kids should choose and that is why I need to move out or they will move with her.

I really don't want to have my kids suffer anymore because we now have a dysfunctional MR. One minute we are civil then bam,, anything can happen and I'm demonized with or without my participation.

ROE

[Irish M]

Hi ROE
For what its worth OM is an a$$
Buying your kids. This will run dry trust me.
Also the kids will see it for what it is. You need to step up your game. Forget about your W. Get yourself straitened out and take care of those kids.

Don't give your energy and time to your W. She is not who she once was. If she come back, wakes up, full remorse and wants to work on a new relationship later then it's up to you. For now that's not happening so man up and take control of your life.

You can do this. I read your sitch and you have been close but W pulls you back down.

Thoughts are with you buddy
Irish

[sandi2]

The more I try to right the ship, the more respect gets lost. Somehow and somewhere I forgot how to be the man of my own home. I can't be assertive and I certainly can't be passive. It all works against me. Stern or kind. If I enforce anything, I'm doing it alone with my W in the background sabotaging all attempts to bring stability in the house, even when I try to enforce her ideals. Yes, even then it backfires. I need some kind of a positive break. For once.

Stern or kind. Is that how you see assertive and passive behavior?

First of all, if stepping up as the leader in your home is a new experience.......you ARE going to be the bad guy! You can't be passive for years and then think everyone is going to be thrilled you've decided to take charge and that daddy's word is the final say. Your WW is not on your side, and she wil try to make you look/feel like the bad guy. This is what happens after years of her disrespecting you ...........it grows into a monstrous thing.

It takes a lot of strength to be the guy in charge of his family. You cannot get all sensitive about feeling like the bad guy. It takes strength and courage to be a leader.

If your D17 has taken her cues from her mother throughout the years, then she's going to give you a hard time. Your W will probably try to be buddy-buddy with the teenager, if she thinks it spites you.

Do some research on leading vs controlling in a MR. Don't bite off more than you can chew at one time.

[RosaLinda]

She told me just this morning the kids should choose and that is why I need to move out or they will move with her.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know that you just want what is best for your children. But that quote from your wife does not really make sense - that the kids should be allowed to choose but you need to move out or else they will choose to move out with her.

Did she actually ask them to choose between you two? If not, it seems that you are sort of assuming she is right and that the kids will choose to move out with her. What makes you think that? Did they actually say something along those lines? I remember you saying awhile ago that you know that your two oldest are aware of what is happening between your wife and OM, and that it's awkward for them.

What did the lawyer say are your rights and responsibilities Roe? I don't think you should move out because your wife is threatening to move out and take the kids with her.