Congratulations on completing your triathalon! Yes, that's fortitude!
Keep up the good work! You are stronger than you think!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Definitely fortitude! Double checked in the dictionary before I wrote it :-)
I continue catching up on reading (it seems MLC section is growing fast - what is going on this year?! Must be some bad constellations or something...) and I want to tell you that I am really happy about where you are now. Of course there will be a lot of back and forth, it's absolutely normal. I always think that if there were not it would mean that I never really loved H. I wish you that you achieve what is the best for you. No matter how things will turn out, you'll be fine! More than fine. You know what they say: time is a healer (I think there was a nice song like that, I should look it up - for "rainy days")!
Oh, Fabulous Feyth! You, lady, are a rockstar! So, so proud of you. I have a special place in my heart for those who define fortitude. That has got to be a great feeling, pushing past and overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles. But you've done it! Next challenge...moving on. Just remember this on the down days. You can push past anything and come out better than ever. Cheering from the sidelines. Get it!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
H@ll ya Feyth!! way to go. I was thinking of you today and was wondering if your race was today or tomorrow. What an inspiration you are! Could you even have imagined doing that a year ago?!? Keep that positive attitude going
Thank you all so much! I appreciate the support like you wouldn't believe!
Upon reflecting back on the race, I was prepared and lazer focused. That is one of my strong suits, to be honest. I've always been good at "go time". The water was cold, there was a strong current, I kept swimming and going nowhere! The bike part was tough too, there was one 600 foot elevation gain at a 45* incline. THAT was crazy- my legs were literally on fire and I did this bad boy on my heavy duty mountain bike- equipped with doggy basket rack and bell . If I do this again, I will use a real bike for sure!
So, what next?!? I want to keep this momentum going. I feel like there is nothing stopping me from these things I've only dreamed of doing. I can honestly, say I wouldn't have accomplished any of it if I was still with h. It's not his thing..... And because it wasn't his thing, I would have allowed it to not be my thing either. As I always say, I know better now!
I've always wanted to hike the kalalau trail on the NaPali coast. It's doable... Only 22 miles round trip, but I need to find a hiker friend to do it with. I don't know anyone! A full Marathon??! Maybe... I'm afraid of blowing out my knees, but might as well try. I appreciated the challenge the tri brought me as I had to spend a lot of time focusing on it- adhering to a training schedule and nutrition plan. I want to keep with it, but I know I could get lazy if I'm not focusing on the goal at hand.
Also, I have the opportunity to go to Uganda with the boys and girls club... That seems interesting. I've been mulling that over, but have to get some funding to go. I halfway looked into becoming an uber driver for some extra $$$. Ahhhhh.... There's also that looming divorce I have to look forward to!
Anyway, just my musings right now. I'll be doing some research tonight after my happiness class to see what my next adventure shall be!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
wow feyth... you have some great possible plans. The marathon and hike sound great!... Uganda.. yikes I don't know... but shows you how sheltered I am haha. Truly an inspiration... keep it up!
Thanks Pinn and Sotto for the support. I think I decided that my next venture will indeed be a full marathon in January 2017. I wish there was one a little sooner, but this will work. There's a tri or two I could do, but I'm too chicken to train in the water over the winter.... Brrrrrr.
I must say, there have been some awesome conversations occurring on this board. It is really cool seeing so many people doing the work. There's a lot of introspection and learnings. I continue to learn from each and everyone's situation. Thank you all for courageously sharing.
Not to put too much focus on h.... But I've been thinking about unconditional love (a topic occurring one someone else's thread). I have to say..... I honestly don't know if h loved me unconditionally. Now, It's not an excuse to say, I behaved poorly and he was supposed to love me anyway. I'm not saying that at all. There's just little things that stick out and they may be minor, but they still sting. One- I have a lot of hair. It's long. When I had alopecia from all the stress I was internalizing, my hair was falling out even more. He used to take my hairs and give them back to me for me to throw away. If I was in the bathroom and a hair somehow got on his side of the sink, he would pick it up and put it back on my side of the sink for me to throw away.
Every time this happened, it would make me so angry and it hurt because there was nothing I could do about it, but he made some obnoxious thing about it. Unless I walked around with my hair in a bun all day, there's nothing I could do about it.
Kind of the same thing with the bed. He would only make his side of the bed. I got up before him and left for work.... And there's no way I would make the bed while he was still in it. But I would come home after a long day and there the bed would be- 1/2 made. It would make me so mad, but i thought to myself, why bring it up because he would turn it on me. At this point, I knew better than to stick up for myself because it would be my fault.
Ok- again, just minor examples.... But all those minors turn into majors. One time my nephew stayed with us over the summer and when he got home, he told his mom that he thought h treated me poorly. This got back to my h (because it was his sister who told him) and he turned everything around on his nephew and me. Again, I wasn't strong enough or differentiated enough to say to h, actually yeah, you do treat me like sh!t sometimes. Instead of- thanks for loading the dishwasher, I got- you loaded the dishwasher wrong. Always.....
At the lowest low, in November 2014, I had to work late. As I was leaving the office at 7, I realized that I had a flat tire. I called h, who was too busy to help me out. I remember being so terrified (I was actually terrified) of getting the tire fixed myself because I was afraid of doing wrong in his eyes. I would either not use the right service, or pay too much, or something. Eventually, I got a truck out there to put the donut on, but it took several hours and h didn't help. In hindsight.... I don't remember why, but of course now I think it was an affair! Anyway, I digress.
Clearly, there was some psychological damage with myself for me to be feeling that way and I'm pretty sure I worked through most of it over the last year. Time will tell if it shows up again in another romantic relationship, but I keep it in check. Actually, I'm a little too vocal these days..... Ahhhh just learning to find the balance.
On that token, I have to wonder if i loved h unconditionally. Everytime I perceived him to hurt me, I buried those feelings and built resentment. If i loved him unconditionally, would I have allowed those things to bother me as much as they did?????
Just something for me to think about. Yet, at the same time, I'm done thinking too much about that relationship. I'm in the process of moving forward and looking back doesnt serve me.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Its funny how much we finally see as we create a little distance from our S. All those little (and sometimes big) things that bothered us, so we buried them because its not nice to nag at someone you love. My H had some habits that irritated me and in some cases turned my stomach, but aside from making a face, I let it go without comment. I had commented in the past, but it was ignored so I learned not to bother. I now have no idea how I put up with that. It was almost like he was trying to put me off.
Just like you, there were things he asked me to do or things I did that I never did right in his eyes. Like drive his boat. I didn't grow up around boats so I never got completely comfortable doing it. But he "trained" me to drive his boat and pull him skiing when we lived on a lake...every day. And I always did something not right. So , as soon as I had someone else who could drive him, (I opened the door for this...it was Bubbles when my D25 wasn't around) I quit. Same with skiing. Now I've begun to experiment with skiing to see if I liked it when there was no pressure and I've discovered I do like it and have progressed more than in all the years that I skied with him.
I think looking back does serve a purpose. It is a way of learning from past behavior so that we can grow and move forward. I know in my case, it is helping me to see how I lost my individual self and how I went from an independent fairly happy young person to a codependent older lady who couldn't even answer the question, "what do you want to do?". I will not let my love of someone cause me to lose sight of who I am again.
I'm happy that you've worked through that for most of the year, but I feel personally (I can only speak for myself) that it really is going to have to be an ongoing thing. Practice makes perfect. I'll have to look back to keep my forward momentum because old habits are comfortable when we get lazy, and die very slow, hard deaths.
As for unconditional love? I don't believe in it anymore. Its like Santa Claus and the tooth Fairy. There have to be conditions, aka "boundaries". I can love someone, but since I've learned I can't really control anyone but myself, I have to have certain conditions now. Certain lines I will not allow someone to cross. I guess I'm in self protection mode, but I can't see how losing myself in love will ever be desireable again.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
. If I do this again, I will use a real bike for sure!