Still here and need support 2

[poschan]

thanks Rich. I went and surprised d8 today at school for lunch. she was excited to see me as we hadn't seen each other since Wednesday am. It was nice to sit with her and her classmates. a bit of sadness hit me as I left though and know its just going to take time for this adjustment.

Thanks lt for the words of support...GAL was good last night; another mindfulness class. the instructor wasn't feeling well so the class was cut short but it was still fulfilling and the people are nice and outgoing.
planning to do some GAL just for me this afternoon and play some golf with a friend.
no verbal communication with WAW except for occasional texts re logistics and $.
Lately, I've caught my self cussing her out and then remind myself that is not the place I want to be and refocus to a more positive mindset. I think the mindfulness practice is paying off and the instructor has said its important to practice a little bit every day even if its just for 5 min.
I'll get d8 tomorrow and sunday so looking forward to my time with her...
hope everyone has a good weekend

[poschan]

WAW wanted to know if I had changes to the MDA and PP. I told her I did and was working on it. She called and wanted to know details and I told her she would get them when they were complete. ...She tried to pull me into an argument by ad hominem attack saying "typical poschan always being difficult"
it almost worked as I felt some anger but was able to keep cool and not get lured in.
she said she had not hired a L but the papers say "Lawyer Name" attorney for Wife...I asked how she could say that when the papers said otherwise and she said "I swear on our daughters.." at which point I cut her off and told her I didn't want to hear that...
I reaffirmed that I still didn't want D but I would get the papers to her asap. I also told her that I prayed for her (I did earlier) that her heart would soften and she would want to be a family again. No reply and none expected.

[poschan]

WAW called this am to say that d8 was having sep anxiety when she dropped her off at school. we talked about it a bit and WAW said she wanted to do whatever is best for d8. I told her I wanted to say something but said nevermind and WAW nagged me to tell her what I wanted to say. I told her that I thought the best thing would d8 to have 2 strong parents who together overcome and become ever stronger in the R...
WAW said that d8 told her that WAW had planned this...at which point WAW said "no 8 yr old would come up with that" implying that it came from me. It didn't. I have told d8 that I still have hopes that we will be a family again but maybe I should just keep that to myself. It seems that d8 is struggling more with the situation than at first.
I also told WAW that I am willing to do anything so that d8 doesn't have to grow up in 2 separate households and WAW said that you can't force someone to do something. I want to try whatever it takes so there are no regrets.
WAW brother came to visit last night and we had a long talk and he backed me up and reinforced WAW issues.

[SH_]

Hi poschan!

I apologize for my missing in action here with you of late.
I have been on a side detour and fighting some good fights of my own.
I have been watching your story unfold from a distance, but you have been in good hands.

That being said I read this and felt the need to swing by.

WAW called this am to say that d8 was having sep anxiety when she dropped her off at school. we talked about it a bit and WAW said she wanted to do whatever is best for d8. I told her I wanted to say something but said nevermind and WAW nagged me to tell her what I wanted to say. I told her that I thought the best thing would d8 to have 2 strong parents who together overcome and become ever stronger in the R...

You are gonna want to stop this going forward.
Do not use your d8 as a bargaining chip so to speak to urge your WAW to come back and work on the MR with you.
So many LBS get stuck on this and it really can be more detrimental to both the opportunity to reconcile as well as to the relationship with the kids.
Maybe it's the very awesome L that I have, or my intense studying of DR and other material for our situations, but my point is that parenting and the MR must be kept separate.
In a good situation they are intertwined for sure. But they should never become attached to each other as a packaged deal.
I chose my L for this reason. He sold me on his goal and focus on the value of understanding that while a MR can be dissolved as it relates to the law. Being a parent has nothing to do with that.
He was a child of a divorce and he shares it that although his parents could not be H and W, they still showed a united front and were awesome parents.
This is a testament to me that kids will turn out just fine in the future if we stay focused on parenting, and better yet, focus on co parenting regardless of the MR.

IMHO, many of the LBH (myself included) tend to think that "taking care" of the family unit was the same as having a great MR. This is what lead many of us to an unhealthy detachment from our MR and thusly our current situations.

We would go to work, come home and relax, take care of the kids a bit, do a few chores and even plan family vacations. But we neglected to see and keep up with the emotional needs and desires of the one we claim to love.

I remember clear as day many times that as I was doing something with my daughters that my wife would so appreciate it and know that I loved her. Deep down I knew there was a disconnect with her, I just could not put my finger on it. So i threw myself more into the kids.
As my WAW raged out and threw a tantrum, it came out that she wanted to leave so many years ago. I asked her why she did not.
Her response is where my point that I am making to you was nailed into my mind.

The response was......................
"Because I did not want to hurt the relationship between you and our daughters."

My MR was on life support and maybe even dead many years ago. I knew it, but I could not revive it, so I tried to convince myself that taking care of my kids would keep us together.
It did not.

But my kids will get the best parenting ever from me and in time I believe that my STBX will come around and we can co parent well.

Seek out info about healthy co parenting. There is much out there and it will help you focus in the right place.

But please, remember to keep parenting and MR very separate.
You will benefit.
Your D8 will greatly benefit.

SH: thanks for the info on the thought process. Are you saying that we should try and substitute a positive statement for the negative when the negative thoughts occur? Can you provide some specific examples that you think have helped with solving the anxiety issues?

I realized I did not swing back to respond to you on this.

I am saying that our brain is very complex yet it likes the simple.
We have created words to describe things.
I have learned that feelings and emotions are not one and the same.
Feelings is the brains way of protecting us.
Emotions are the labels we give the feelings.
Check out this Ted Talk as it explains the "feeling" and how it confuses us as we label it poorly.
F the fear, it's not real anyway! | Deri Llewellyn-Davies
An example that Comes to mind that I worked on with d18 was just before she was going to a new social setting.
She was starting to feel unsettled.
Her words to me were, "I am feeling anxious and worried, because I won't know anybody and that makes me uncomfortable."
She expressed that it was a physical feeling.

I asked her if the feeling would go away if she were to say, "I am excited ad anxious to meet some new people because then I will have some new friends that I can get to know and hang out with."

She agreed to try it and within the hour she told me that she still had the physical feeling, but now that it was labeled with something that she looked forward to, she was able to concentrate on other things.

Long story short, she has enjoyed this new social setting immensely and is thriving in it.

Our brain believes what we tell it.
I know it seems a bit voodoo and magic like, but trust me.
The science, the stories and the experiences that I am currently having all back it up IMHO.

You can do it my friend.
“Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” - Napoleon Hill

[poschan]

Thank you for the feedback SH, I do appreciate your input. I have caught up on your situation and hope you can put those demons to rest. You are such a great contributor and supporter to others on this board; maybe its time to focus more of your strategies on you if you haven't been. I pray for you SH and for others on these boards.
I will check out the "F the fear, it's not real anyway! | Deri Llewellyn-Davies"
By the way, WAW said that I had been disconnected since receiving the divorce papers 3 weeks ago. In my head, I was like "uh, of course"
I had to remind WAW that there has been little to no verbal communication since she moved out and nothing lately has changed.
Waiting to receive changes from L and will be sending back to WAW.

[SH_]

How is poschan an doing?

What did you get from the Ted talk?

What is new in your neck of the woods?

[poschan]

Hey SH! been trying to stay busy with GAL. I started mountain biking again on singletrack and have been trying to do about once a week. Also been going for a lunch jog at a nearby park with the dog but it has almost been too hot. When d8 is with me we have been going to the local dog park a lot. she loves it and says she wants to rescue animals...
the thing that struck me the most about the ted talk was "regret". not looking back and regretting anything that you value. I think that is one reason why I have been trying to do everything possible within my power to not D so that I can look back and know I tried everything...One regret I have is not sharing true love with someone who respects and values me the same way as I do them. I try to give d8 every last ounce of love that I can though.
Lately, I have had a couple of friends tell me I sound a whole lot better than a few months ago. I still have my down days and mostly when I miss d8 when she is not with me. I don't really miss WAW. I was looking at some old pictures of WAW with d8 and couldn't believe the difference. A few of the pictures of WAW, d8 stated were "creepy"! (and those were wedding pics!). We also were looking through d8s baby pics which was great.
Putting together my response to the MDA and PP...bracing for some anger from WAW when she gets it
how are things with you SH?

[poschan]

WAW has been out of town this weekend so I have had d8 since Friday. For some reason, my mind has been thinking a lot about WAW and who she is with. Not something I want to keep doing but my mind just seems to keep making assumptions as to what she is doing and with who...
on a brighter note, d8 and I have a great couple of days. Be the best dad I can be. Lots of love and no regrets

[sandi2]

I just do not understand why LBH's feel they must reaffirm how they don't want a D.......and especially right after the WW has lied, or shown some other form of disrespect. It's not like she is scared to death you've changed you mind and now want a D! Why must you always jump in there to assure her that although she is rotten as a bad potato, you are going to hang on tight to keep the M? That's just not attractive to a WW.

She should feel concerned that she has treated you so badly that now she's going to lose you. But no........b/c you are always reminding her that she still has you.

I had to remind WAW that there has been little to no verbal communication since she moved out and nothing lately has changed.

Look, instead of "reminding"her, as if she has amnesia........why not have a nonchalant attitude with her? When she gives these types of loaded statements, that you know perfectly well are bait........just say, "S'pose so". Or something that would sound as equally unexciting.....or that you could care less that she thinks you've acted a bit disconnected!

[rich4j]

P-

Got to agree with Sandi2. I know you are doing/thinking what is best for your d8 and sadly I have had some same thoughts.

"Man...i would suck it up so my d7 could have the family she deserves". NOOOO!!!

I can't do it anymore. Take the attitude that you deserve better and should never be treated this way again. By her or any other

I keep my texts and answers now to short, non descript info unless it is logistics. Separation anxiety is something you will need to reassure your D8 that you and your STBX are always there and not to worry. It sounds like you are making all the efforts to keep her safe/happy

My STBX is trying to be "buddies"...I don't want another buddy. I will be friends with her in the future on my terms. Do the same...distance yourself and fight those thoughts. You deserve better