My Wife Walked Out 6

[Jug]

Glad you guys are talking.

Why did s put someone in a headlock? Some people do need to be put in one and a headlock in itself is not as bad as some other holds...

[RSG]

Haha. Actually, when his teacher and I spoke it was more like he was hugging the kid. He's just now learning how to show affection to other kids, and it still comes out inappropriately. He'll even do it to me sometimes, where I bend down on his level and he'll give my throat a bear hug lol.

Well, birthday at the preschool was today. Had a text exchange this morning, she wanted a picture of all 3 of use and I objected saying family pictures are inappropriate. She hit me back with a barrage about how it's for HIM, we don't need to talk about it anymore, we're both busy at work, see you this PM, etc. I just said ok.

Meet her at the school. She's pretty pleasant, but when we get into his room I feel like I'm even taking a bigger role in setting up the party than usual. Once, when S was getting a little cranky, I tried to hug him, kiss him, etc and asked him to stay in his chair she walked by and said "H, stop, just let him go" like I was harming him.
Also, she asked the teacher to take a picture of all of us. I just went with it. She holds S in such a way that the ONLY way I can participate and not look silly is to have my arm around both of them. I put my arm around him, touch her shoulder and she says "You don't have to touch me, here I'll move him" and puts him in such a way where I'm crouching awkwardly.

Generally she was pleasant. I kept things pretty friendly, didn't hover and made sure to make it about S and let W do her own thing. She looked pretty good in jeans, with more new shoes. She did eventually comment that I wore the same shirt to his birthday 4 yrs in a row. I couldn't help but chuckle, I did do that on purpose. For my boy.

Overall, it wasn't awkward but I can tell she has more work to do for me to really buy in. I'm working really hard not to judge, question things like "When'd you get those shoes?" "Why that hair color?" and so on, be forceful in the way I talk to her. She still treats me roughly the same, especially in front of other people. One on one, she's gotten softer and will have a real discussion. In public, she tries to make things look normal, tries to take charge, tell me what to do, etc. The latter two are things that really took hold when she started going rogue and I just abhor them.

A good birthday for the little guy, which is the most important thing. Someone must be feeding him cupcakes, because he snarfed down 2 in a couple minutes. They were minis, but still....he's never been a sugar kid!

I didn't force any talk, that would've been dumb. I didn't address the family stuff or anything else. We did interact ok, shared some little jokes and got along ok overall. I can see there is still a "more than parents" connection, but I think we've both got protective walls built up pretty high.

CBT, you're right. I think she's still finding her way through the fog. It goes from thin layers to pea soup, but it's still there. When I would talk to his teacher about S I would always use "I" whereas when she'd interject she'd say "We." She does like to use what I refer to as a euphemism in "Co-parenting" but sometimes it feels forced, like she just doesn't want to acknowledge all that I'm doing. It is still all about her. Her wants. Her needs. Her this her that. It's 3.5 months which I know sounds like a little to so many on here, but I feel like I'm moving in a general upward trajectory. Like the stock market. Her? All over creation. Does that illustrate she's still trying to figure things out? I'm not sure, but it would appear that way....

[Coconut]

Hey RSG, just wanted to let you know I'm still here watching (and learning now) your sitch, just don't often find that much needs to be said... Your working the process, and handling yourself well.

I don't like the position your wife put you in with the family pic, but you gotta pick your battles and that wouldn't of been a good place to have one, but something inside me says that you should let her know to never do that again, that when you say no to something you will not tolerate her manipulating you. But, probably not a big deal if you don't feel like it's worth it, I just don't like when my w would do things like that.

[RSG]

Hey RSG, just wanted to let you know I'm still here watching (and learning now) your sitch, just don't often find that much needs to be said... Your working the process, and handling yourself well.

I don't like the position your wife put you in with the family pic, but you gotta pick your battles and that wouldn't of been a good place to have one, but something inside me says that you should let her know to never do that again, that when you say no to something you will not tolerate her manipulating you. But, probably not a big deal if you don't feel like it's worth it, I just don't like when my w would do things like that.

I appreciate it! It feels like I'm wavering and just feeling my way but I guess it's just time for patience really.

As for the family picture, and other little moments. I did give her a glare 3 or 4 times, and they were noticed. When I put S in the car after it was over, I talked to her about the incident where she said "just leave him." I had mentioned in passing he was cranky because he just woke up from nap, but she noted (w/o my knowledge) she had told him to wait to eat his cupcake until the other kids were served. My response was something like, ok but why couldn't you just tell me that? She apologized and said she didn't realize...

Today. Little guy's birthday!! She sent me a few pictures. He got some Starbucks bread, ate some pizza, played at an indoor bounce house and I think went to the pool. When I picked him up he was exhausted, so I just let him play on the iPad for a little bit and after I took it away he wanted to write his numbers a little. He got really cranky as he had no nap, but once settled and with some milk he went right to sleep! Some tears came out this afternoon as she sent me pictures, just angry that he couldn't enjoy his birthday with his family because his Mom is being selfish and ugly. Just a sad realization, but only a rough 5-10 minutes.

I had a little binge of Stranger Things on Netflix, I really like it! Also, before I picked up little guy I stopped by the library and got Gottman's 7 principles. I was disappointed at dropoff that W said a couple things about his day, and seemed to be in a rush to leave. As if she had her fill and was ready to Dump and Run. Sad.

I'm so proud of my little 4 year old. I can't wait to celebrate with him tomorrow.

[lt0402]

Happy Birthday to your son RSG!

Sorry I haven't been in your thread in a few days. Sounds like some small issues with your W around the family picture, though it does highlight she cares enough to want a picture of y'all. When we were at the beach in early August and at the aquarium the employees there tried to get us to take a family photo (so they could have us buy it later). W must have told them 10 times we were not interested. Was brutal. Even though the way she did it was wrong, It may be a good sign that she pushed for it. Just a quick thought.

Regardless, you're doing well with DB and as a dad. I'll echo everything coconut said above as well. You have a great handle on this stuff!

Enjoy your son tomorrow brother!

[RSG]

LT thanks. No worries, you have a lot on your plate and are doing a pretty good job. Just remember, your child comes first and don't tell your W sorry!! I hate reading about the picture scenario of your W though, just wrong.

I did kind of wander over into "why does she want a picture?" territory. She said it was for S, shot down any discussion and then at the party asked the teacher to take it. She then asked if I was going to post it, and I am. In a birthday barrage of pictures on Facebook! If I had to place stock in it, I'd call it a penny stock. Buy it, put it away and see if it becomes anything. It's kind of part of the "it's obvious we're more than just parents" thing I recognized, but as I also noted....we BOTH have big walls built up. I know some of the things I need to see before my walls come down. Increased time with S being paramount. Also, stop telling me what to do, speaking to me in a respectful manner as much as possible, not taking advantage of me or situations, opening up more, being interested more in me, etc.

Those are just a start, but you've got to start at the bottom really. Also, I kind of made a decision about the tattoo. This weekend was the perfect time to get it, but I've decided to wait. For 2 reasons: First, if we decide to reconcile we'll both look at it and remember the separation. Secondly, my W likes tattoos and is experienced with them. Perhaps my getting one, and her going, could be something we re-bond with. Just a couple thoughts.

Looking forward to the rest of the day with my boy!!!

[CT1118]

RSG, I am still here, still reading, have not had too much time for commenting like I used to. I'll be brief, you have a celebration day! Love to your son, mine turns 5 next Saturday. Also, being here with your w/our stuff at the same time, I am so proud of how well defined you are. Great work you friend.

- you self identified a question I was going to ask about the walls I interpreted, but you have a plan and it involves knowing what you want out of this. Exemplary.

- I think my jury is still out on the family picture. If it really was for your son, I get it. We all did one on his first day of school. We were not touching, but I was cool with it for him. I looked at it once to see if it came out blurry or not, sent her a copy, and that was last I looked at it. Also, I have no pics of her in my place that are not boxed or in a hard drive. My son asked for a picture of "you and mommy" to go in his room. I dug one out and obliged him. I'm not certain how I feel on it, but it made him happy and his room is his space.

- tattoos are the ultimate "for you" item. It could be bonding for you two, but I find it to be a very personal experience, if you want her in on that than she should know that her presence means something to you as well. She may already get that since she has a few. So just some food for thought. remember what I suggested about the MT Dew to drink while it's on, that overloaded sugar nightmare will keep your body in check when it is telling you to pass out.

[Ginger1]

RSG, I agree with CT on the pic thing. It's a personal choice, but hat you need to ask your self is you won't do a family pic because you want to show her you aren't a family, or have you thought maybe it would be a nice thing for S?

My ex and I take a pic together with her on her bday. Since her 3rd birthday we made the decision it was just going to be the 3 of us On her actual birthday. That is not for everyone. But it took us 2 of her birthdays to get there. We were separated before her first birthday.

My D also asked for a pic of the 3 of us framed in her room. In the 6 months of her life we were together we had professional pics done. She has it in her room.

You are a great dad an it really does take some time to learn to toe the line from feeling like you are giving your ex what she wants vs. thinking about what might benefit the kid the most. I know it took me a while.

my D turns 9 on tuesday. Virgos all over the place!

[Ginger1]

Oh, and right before the separation my x and I went tattoo shopping together because we were going to get D's name and birthday. Then he bomb dropped.

He did eventually get his. On his honeymoon with OW.

I still am getting mine, but it's my D who I'm going to bring with me. I understand. It a ting it linked to the separation, but I don't know if I would link it to her and separation. Make it about you!

[Ginger1]

Stupid I pad.

"I understand not wanting it linked to separation. But I don't know if I would link it to reconciliation either"