I kinda feel like my wife has been "gas lighting" me. I've been nice and cordial to her..but occasionally I will miss step. She uses that opportunity to say "I was thinking about our relationship but now I know it's over" and whenever the affair comes up she rewrites history to make me a bad husband. It takes a mental toll.
I finally decided to stand up for myself. I told her I'm a good husband. I think you are depressed and blaming a lot of your problems on me. I told her I'm gonna start making my own decisions. I'm gonna do what I want from here out. She looked flabbergasted. She came back with that I have manic depression. I said no, I've been dumped, cheated on and lied too. I have a right to be angry and paranoid. I also told her contact will be limited to family finances and our child. No more group outings for the cake eater.
Out of the blue, she asked have you told your parents about this. I said no, I want to tell them face to face as they live out of state. She says, well I want to be there for I can tell my side. I check my email the next day and she emails my mom and cc's me. She just wanted to let them know we have been having marriage problems for a while. Geez..
I come to the concussion if I fight this to the end we will loss everything. I'm confident I could rebuild my life. I also know she may fight dirty. That's a bit scary. We never had a perfect marriage but it functioned. It's like a light switch flipped two months ago.
I consider what you did an R talk. It was a talk for her benefit. Don't do it. Actions speak louder than words. You don't need to tell her how it is going to be, you just do it and she sees. When you tell her stuff, it is usually intended to have an impact. Either changing her behavior or making her feel guilty, etc.
The problem is that you are making emotional decisions (even though you think they are well thought out they are emotional), and you will flip flop around or have trouble executing and following through. For example, if you say 'we will only communicate about children or finances', next time you have an emotional R talk you will have gone back on your new boundary and just look wishy washy, attached, and out of control.
You are < 60 days since BD. Your job is simple- damage control. There is nothing you can do to make things better. But there are a lot of things you can do to make things worse. So you need to zip your lips, sit on your hands, whatever, and avoid digging deeper. Sitting still in the middle of this crisis can be very hard, as men we have a tremendous desire to battle our enemy and either conquer it or fall valiantly in battle, but in the state you're in being still is the best thing in the world for you for these reasons.
Hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I consider what you did an R talk. It was a talk for her benefit. Don't do it. Actions speak louder than words. You don't need to tell her how it is going to be, you just do it and she sees. When you tell her stuff, it is usually intended to have an impact. Either changing her behavior or making her feel guilty, etc.
The problem is that you are making emotional decisions (even though you think they are well thought out they are emotional), and you will flip flop around or have trouble executing and following through. For example, if you say 'we will only communicate about children or finances', next time you have an emotional R talk you will have gone back on your new boundary and just look wishy washy, attached, and out of control.
You are < 60 days since BD. Your job is simple- damage control. There is nothing you can do to make things better. But there are a lot of things you can do to make things worse. So you need to zip your lips, sit on your hands, whatever, and avoid digging deeper. Sitting still in the middle of this crisis can be very hard, as men we have a tremendous desire to battle our enemy and either conquer it or fall valiantly in battle, but in the state you're in being still is the best thing in the world for you for these reasons.
Hang in.
Ok Zeus thanks for the input..when I get the urge..I will remember to zip my lips?
Zeus, typo on last post. No question mark. I will learn to zip my lips. But if I do need to reply to her R and D talks. What are some good talking points?
For big D. I usually say I don't believe in divorce. I also say I don't want a divorce.
When she mentions D settlement. I mention I'm not gonna negotiate with her. If she mentions a detail. I say you should probably talk to a lawyer about that.
R talk is a tough one for me. She likes to rewrite history and mention how the 7 years of marriage was tough on her.
Could you help me out and type of a few statements/questions that you might have trouble responding to? Sometimes it helps to hear an actual example instead of just the idea, so I understand the tone that might be troubling to respond to. It helps me get the dynamic.
I'll type out what I'd reply in the morning. Not that it will be brilliant, but it's always better to have some options.
Sleepy. Take care and talk soon.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well tomorrow is a new day and Monday is a new week.
Recognizing things I've been doing wrong.
1. When R talk comes up. I try to set the record straight. 2. I take some pleasure in bringing up her affair. I guess trying to make her feel guilty 3. Being dumped kinda sets in a fight or flight mentality for me. One day I wanna argue with her and the next I wanna run. 4. Feel the need to reply to all her questions and statements.
I see how these things are not productive. I need to follow the program. I need to not add any more stress to the situation.
Good insight Brian - let her be just now, detach and focus/work on you. Learn the art of validating. Have you read the validation cheat sheet? It's useful for responding to WAS's and for life in general!
You are right where you need to be in terms of insight. The challenge is now to follow that path one day at a time...
Good luck to you my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Nice post Brian. You are spot on. It's easy to fall into the mindset that you are right, she is wrong, and you will wake her up to reality by righteously clashing with her on every point that doesn't align with you.
The problem is that you win the battle but lose the war.
I mean, suppose for a minute that you really were 'right'. Well, if what you do when you're right is build resentment, berate her and challenge her and argue with her, diminish her view points, dismiss her feelings, and let your disgust with her for expressing herself overwhelm everything else...well, you may be 'right' about the importance of marriage, but that is far exceeded by how wrong you'd be by acting that way. And as a WAS it would just be more proof that we could never have a working relationship. Like "LBS, I hear what you're saying, but the way you're saying it proves it won't work".
You've made it clear you don't believe in divorce. I think it's time to let go of sending that message. It's not your job to teach her, educate her, punish her, or control her. Let her go.
It's tough, shoot, even today XW texts me in ways that are so nasty I can't believe she sleeps at night, and trust me, the desire to put together a handful of her nasty emails and texts and just send them to her and be like 'is this who you want to be?' is powerful at times...but my kids deserve a life without drama, and SO DO I!
Your last post shows you are on your way. I'd reread these posts before every interaction with her for a while.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Sorry you are here buddy. Its clear to me, based on what you have written, that your W is having a PA. Your W is having sex with another man. So I have to ask you (warning:2x4 coming), where are your balls? You seem to be taking this all VERY well. What your W is doing is not ok and you need to stand up for yourself. She seems to have a very pleasant idea of what D looks like. If you're ok with that, then fine. But I wouldn't be. And if you aren't, then you should make that clear to her. You come across to me as a "Mr Nice Guy." If that what you are, your WW is going to continue to walk all over you. That's what I see is happening. You need to detach, 180, GAL and GO DARK. Go directly to the LRT section of the book. Read the whole book but that's what you need to be doing. Dont engage her in R talk. Its ok to validate but she needs to know that a D will not be so pretty if that's not what you see happening. In order for this to have a chance at turning around, she needs to admit to the A and show genuine remorse. Until that happens, there is no possibility of moving forward. She needs to respect you as a man. So show her the man that you truly are. Stand up for yourself and don't allow her to cake eat, gaslight and walk all over you. Show her what she will be missing if she continues down this path. Become the most awesome Brain that has ever been. Show her that you are fine without her. In fact, show her that you are better without her. Make her see what she is giving up by choosing this path.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
