This is such complete crap about your D, lt0402. I hope you can see that. This is not one of those cases where your W is saying something you should validate. You should calmly but firmly tell her your R with D is going great, and that you do not accept her version of it. Custody needs to be high on the agenda with your L. There is just no way your D would do all of the things you've described doing with her this summer, have fun doing them, then tell her mother that she wants you to move out of the house because you "hover" and she "needs space". 9 year olds just don't do that. They don't talk like that, and they have no desire for a Dad, with whom they have fun, good times, to move out of the house. If any of what your W says was true, she wouldn't want to do things with you. She'd avoid you, hide behind her mom, etc.
THis is entirely about a woman with emotional problems losing the control she's previously had over her daughter and, in turn, going further around the bend as that control slips away.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
You were warned of what your WW would do. She is building a case against you. There is no humanly possible way you could win with her, not where the D9 is concerned. She uses D9 as the whitteling tool to chip away at you. This is a woman who got mad b/c she thought you weren't paying enough attention to D9 and then she gets mad b/c she thought you hovered over her too long when tucking her in bed!!! And what is your response to these absurd statements? You either go into a diagolog of explanation, or tell her you will work on it. Giving the picture of a guilty person who is at fault, whatever his WW says or accuses him.
She is not only wayward, but there are psychological issues that counseling the M cannot help, until she gets straightened out as an individual and a normal parent. Let me make this clear about MC a WW. Just b/c the A ends, does not mean she is ready for MC. Just b/c the A ends, does not mean her waywardness has ended. MC for/with a wayward is nothing but a time to unleash fury and endorse her reasons for ending her M with such a terrible H/father. Do you get it? It is NOT you. The problem is not YOU. That's why you will never be able to "improve" enough to make her happy and stay off your back about the daughter. Her WAYWARDNESS is the problem.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There has been a lot of posts in the last day, I didn't have time to go through everything right now, but what I did see was you say that your WW was setting up a Separation agreement and wanted you to only have your daughter every other weekend, you said that won't work for me, and then she says that your daughter "WANTS" you to go move in with her friends father.
Hmm, is it possible that her L told her that if you move out of the house she will have a much stronger case against you for custody? Be careful, it really sounds like she is trying to manipulate you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Just a reminder. Keep a log of your time with D9, your efforts to be more involved with her meds, etc. and your efforts to improve yourself. Write down your goals and action items and follow through. This may be one of the most important projects you ever worked on in your life. Have a plan and execute.
And keep a log of your interactions with W when around D9. She could be picking fights with you in front of D9 to bait you to say horrible things that D9 can be asked about. Keep cool and don't say negative things about W around D9.
WW could setting up the custody battle, don't be blindsided.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
THis is entirely about a woman with emotional problems losing the control she's previously had over her daughter and, in turn, going further around the bend as that control slips away.
^ Yes, this exactly. You should ignore literally everything that comes out of your WW's mouth about her, your D or your relationship. Until she comes to you begging with tears and snot bubbles, you have to assume she's lying.
Never respond to her with justifications, excuses, or especially any contrition. Dont say "Im trying" or "I am working on myself" or "I wasnt perfect". That is giving her ammo and power to use against you. If you have to say anything you should say "Im sorry you feel that way". If you want to say anything else, you should think twice, count to 10, and then say "Im sorry you feel that way".
Ive seen this enough. She will start to go totally crazy when she is losing control, which is why you need to move fast and be on guard. Simple precautions (VAR on you at all times starting now) and not making major mistakes (if you say nothing but 'Im sorry you feel that way' then you wont make any!) and you will survive this rough patch and it will get infinitely better. Whether you are divorce or reconciled it will be better.
Go ahead and retain your L and have them write up papers now.
The reason I dont want your WW's L writing them up is because you are always on your back foot against your WW. I mean, she is the one lying, manipulating, and having an affair, but YOU are the one on the defensive, apologizing, bargaining and explaining. Right now, you love her but she hates you, so she has all the power. Her L is her L, and its literally his job to take all of your money and your D away from you.
If you let her and her L take the lead on this, she will come out ahead because, frankly, you will let her. And if you think you are going to settle custody in mediation with this woman? Sorry, but I dont think so. From this point on, in this fight your L is your champion.
I know its counter intuitive. But I think your best option is to either fully reconcile or divorce with your finances and relationship with your D intact. But right now you have ZERO control of which of these outcomes will happen. But you do have control over whether you are positioned well for divorce. And this is a zero sum game, the better your position, the worse is hers. And the worse her position is, the more likely she is to want to reconcile. So dont ever think you can bargain away money or custody to make her want to come back. Its the opposite that will happen.
lt0402 - I don't know what sort of phone you use but I have an app that will back up all my text messages which I then copy into the "cloud" just in case I need to be able to document to a L exactly what I said.
Good luck - you're in the middle of a tornado right now and "somebody's gonna lose a trailer".
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Quick update. W was in bed by 1230 last night, so apparently her new sleep schedule has nothing to do w/ me. I woke up this am, went to exercise w/ my dad, and then went to work.
Got a long txt msg from W, which i'll post below this. Left work for about an hour and wrote a check to retain my L. Just got done filling out the paperwork. At this point I'm realizing the situation is too volatile to work through myself. (I know, a bit late)
Here's the msg from my W:
W: "If you truly feel that we can fix this, make the appt. w/ the MC. Seriously. It's unfair for me to refuse to try. I mean, it's not fair to D. We can't fix anything ourselves."
"Please don't respond to this and we can try to talk about this later. There's a reason why people do a trial S and a reason why the court won't consider people S until they live apart. As of now, we can't even have a conversation."
"D asked me again this am if you could live w/ D's friends dad. I'm writing this crying my eyes out bc I feel so trapped and also so sad for D. Please consider just temporarily living elsewhere until we can get MC to work through this. Please."
"If you keep saying I'm the one who needs to leave bc I made the choice, D is going to need a sitter after school when she's w/ you. It's not fair to D. We will do everything legally. At this moment, she has someone to take care of her. Ds routine doesn't need to change. Any legal agreement we make will obviously change if our sitch changes."
"Just think how it will make D feel about you if you force this and make us leave. bc I don't think a court will choose a sitter over a parent."
"Please stop saying this is my choice. You pushed D and I both this far, for so long. You treated us so horribly. I know you say it's all in the past, but it's still extremely present for us and you haven't changed a thing. Give D and I a reason to trust you. Just think about it."
"You lose no time w/ her and she won't have to go to a sitter. We go to MC and try to fix this and Ds life may not change at all. I'm not promising we can fix this, but right now it's this or we just stay miserable. Can you at least try to see it from our side?"
"Every time I've asked you why you treat D and I like this you always just say 'I don't know' and never make any changes. Don't you think it's better for us to be apart while we work through that w/o changing Ds life? Just consider it. Stop seeing this as my 'choice' and see that I don't feel like I have one."
That's it. Still think she's trying to leverage MC as a way to control things. Can't respond to everyone now, but will a bit later. I'm in a neutral/slightly angry place right now knowing she's probably trying to play me again.
I'm going to tell her i'll have my L draw up the S agreement. I'm filling out the documents right now. I haven't heard back on scheduling w/ my L yet for when we first meet but I'm going to bug them to make it next week.
I appreciate everyone here, both for the 2x4s and support. I really do feel like an idiot for believing she'd want to proactively do MC. I'm leaving the appointment on for the 26th for right now, but I may cancel it over the next week depending on where things go.
Who is this woman?
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I hope this goes without saying and that you are NOT considering moving out. IMHO W wants you out, so she can slap you with Divorce and custody papers, in HER favor.
You are NOT a bad father. (you may not be the father W thinks D9 should have, but that DOES NOT matter) I'm pretty confident when I say this (b/c my D is 10) D9 would tell you, mine did! Mine called me out on my BS when I talked to her nicely and calmly. If D9 had such a problem she would not want to be around you as you've heard from everyone already.
Glad you got your L and are drawing up papers. I agree with Fade. You need to be one if not TWO steps ahead of W.
Brace yourself LT0402, this is just getting started and we are all pulling for you! We're here for you bud!
