As for the parts, no, he can't do the work himself.
I hate to be a downer but I am struggling to see how he can wake up from all this. He is in a pretty deep hole and overall, he just keeps digging further away from reality.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Replay can take a long time. He's exhibited anger and depression along w/some crazymaking behavior, but he's content right now being there. You've not rocked his boat, nor have you treated him badly and put pressure on him for anything. Had you done these things, he most likely would have left and been a PITA. I know it's frustrating and it seems like it will be this way forever, but when they are living at home, the time does go by so slowly. A year isn't that long for him to be orbiting the moon in replay.
Since he's still contintuing to dig deeper into the hole, this is most likely what he needs to do to face those issues. He's not touched on the really deep, dark depression yet because he's still in a "holding" pattern w/replay. He will move from replay when he's ready and that could be a while.
Continue as you have been and always remember to breathe! You really are one of the lucky ones that he's not gone into the true monster mode towards you and the boys. Just leave him be unless the auto parts get to be too much and take up entirely too much space.
Continue to watch the financials. He may very well take off in the spending arena.
Mine is all about football. He has to own at least 20 bronco shirts and about the same in ball caps. He showed up to s12 football game with a his broncos shirt...hat..and his bronco stadium chair...lol mind you son's colors are red and white.
Hi HaWho, I'm with mleigh, I don't have much to add as my h ran as far away as he could as fast as he could. I really admire your patience and calm, I don't feel I would have been able to do what you are, your own experience has helped you stay strong and determined to allow your h time to find his way through this.
I would just watch the finances closely, your h has not shown much high spending but does not mean he wont add it to the list.
You show such compassion H, you often relate back to your own experience, so I will too - how many times do you think h wondered if you would ever come out of your depression? .....you did and look how far you have come.
Nice to hear from you all: Job, Huddy, Tfish (you have been missed!), MLeigh and Lou.
Lou- really good point about how long my h wondered when my own depression would end.
It's pretty much status quo over here in Kookooville. Recently, I did get a quick snapshot of h's thinking. Via text he complained about something really stupid. I can't even remember what it was but basically he was (again) insinuating that we were all a burden. This is not good DB but I texted back that maybe he would get lucky and the three of us would die in a car crash so he could go live on that boat all by himself. (This is something he said in front of us all when he was showing S11 some stretches and he felt S11 wasn't stretching correctly! S11 and I left for the grocery store as s was so hurt and within minutes h "appeared" there asking to go out for smoothies. This is the closest h comes to apologizing.)
Anyway he texted back: "the three of you? No. Not the three of you. Just you. You have ruined my whole adult life."
I responded sorry you feel that way. And then I just rolled right along. It's official: I have alligator skin. (I love how he is happy with the kids but I ruined his whole adult life?!? Of course without me, these particular kids would not even be in his life. Maybe he has regressed so far he no longer understands basic science?!?) Looks like I am still the source of all his problems even though there are corpses that have less alone time than he does.
We had a dinner conversation the other night and I think mentally, s13 is more mature than h. H said a really ignorant comment and s13 questioned his logic. H could not back it up and it was all awkward as he is an "adult" in theory. S13 asked h how h's logic fixes x basic world problem and h had no answer. S13 said: shouldn't you be trying to make things better rather than just making comments that don't progress anything?
Hmm, it's just plain old weird this regression I am witnessing.
A few days after I told h I thought he seems confused and recommended he check his B12 level, he texted me back telling me his logic on a small financial move he made. He told me: "see? I am sharp as a tack."
I validated and we joked around a bit but it was hard not to bring up his paranoia. At some point I will need to drop hints on that. But as so much of it centers on me, I feel like I need to somehow get him to trust me more before I drop hints that he is in the deep end, like Mariana Trench deep.
Speaking of which, this week he announced he has an appointment for his physical! I know he had one in the spring but he has been a bit of hypochondriac so I know that he is going to have his B12 level checked.
As for me? All is well. I am quite busy with the kids. I am still hiking and playing tennis.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your h sounds like he's talking to his mother. Have you been in his life his entire adult life? I wonder how he thinks you did this? After all, you two created two great sons and that certainly didn't happen in a petri dish way back when. LOL!
OMG! Your 13 yr old has more going on than your h! Your son talks w/a level head and I'm sure your h didn't appreciate him speaking up.
Well, I hope the doctor realizes what is going on w/him and gives him some AD's. He really is in KooKooville these days. B12 vitamins would help him a bit w/the depression and some of that paranoia going on, but it's not a miracle cure.
I sincerely hope that you aren't taking what he's saying to heart. He's just an emotional mess babbling and is saying things w/o really thinking them through.
I'm glad you've got other activities to help relieve some of the stress and helps you to keep your focus elsewhere.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - I met him when he was 28. I began dating him when he was 29. And trust me, he was chasing me; I was not chasing him. In fact, we started dating in the summer and that Thanksgiving he was hurt that I did not invite him to my family's!
I was 23 and felt like we had time. I was exclusive with him (and vice versa) but I saw no need to rush. I was 23!!! Honestly, I was not really ready to introduce him at Thanksgiving as A) we'd only just begun dating B) my family does not take "holiday dates" lightly and so C) my family would have read this as a serious relationship so then D) I was feeling pressure with all this. And to my family he would have lost credibility as they would have asked: why are you so serious with this guy you JUST met. Plus, if it didn't work out my family would probably not take the next person as seriously.
I did like him and I did not want to hurt his feelings so I invited him. But, it felt too fast for me and it did feel awkward that he invited himself. And for me, truth be told, it was an uncomfortable holiday.
And no, Job, I take none of it to heart. It takes so much will power to keep from saying: "hey, we are NOT Siamese twins sharing a brain. You can leave without the use of a saw."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, I missed some of the posts from the holiday weekend and had to catch up. When I was reading your post before you were taking 8 kids to the beach in the car with expired registration, and even before you later post about the ticket, I totally “saw” this coming… You were completely right… Labor Day weekend… West coast beach… expired registration… To the credit of the law enforcement here (I’m also on the South west cost, as you know), they give you some discretion.
You H sounds like he still has lots of issues to deal with. As I said before, I admire your resilience and patience through all of this, and most of all, your sense of humor.
I think your H has it really easy. Don’t get me wrong. But, if you would have enough of this and kick him out of the house, he would face his issues sooner, as it would be a different world for him where you would not be a source of his unhappiness any more. But, this comes with the consequences… Financial and also your kids’ wellbeing. As much as he is weird right now, he is still home and still engaged with the kids. The process of him dealing with his issues could take longer though, and I hope that you have enough patience to see it through. Hugs to you, HaWho!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
