Rouky, I'm sorry to read about your lovely Pup. That must have been so hard for you all (((hugs)))). I also had to decide to have my lovely cat put to sleep last year - she had been with me for almost 21 years and started to have regular seizures, which was distressing to go through.
For me, after grieving for a little while, I was happy that she had a long and healthy life right up to when she died and I truly believed it was kindest for us to put her to sleep.
At times like these, it is evident how difficult it is for the MLCer to deal with pressure and the pain and emotions of others. I found it interesting to read what your H said and I do think his reactions illustrate the point I make.
I'm sorry this has been such a rough time and hope things settle down for you soon my friend. Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Another day and another hit on the chin. Do you believe that some people are just born to experience a miserable life? My mum today had the courtesy to tell me that two days ago (bear in mind that I put my dog to sleep last night) that my dad had to go for some further marrow tests as his doctor is worried about something. My dad had leukaemia, got two transplants and no more can be done for him if the cancer is back! While I appreciate her honesty ( a long time ago I told her that she shouldn't hide my anything from me because she hid that my granddad had cancer), I only wished she had waited for the results (positive or negative) to mention it to me not the day after I lost my dog! Anyway I believe that God is testing me because although I'm really sad for my dog (and cried a lot at work today), I got home and didn't feel so bad. All his belongings have been put in the bin (I don't want another dog), and I'm at peace with it. I know I did the right thing. For my dad I'm sad but the results aren't here yet so why worry about it! Once they are here I'll deal with it. I can't explain why but I have a feeling that God is pushing me to let go of H. I don't know how to express myself but I think he is throwing all this at me to 1) show me that I can detach/ or put things into perspective and see the whole picture (re dog/ my dad); 2) to show me that I can do the same with H and that if I can do it for the person/ animal I love the most I surely can do it for H! I had to text something to H regarding our dog (his ashes) and I informed him about my dad. He replied but I'm not interested in reading his reply.
Nothing significant since last post has happened but I thought I would write down my thoughts so I have a record of it. I haven't seen H since we had to put to sleep our dog a week ago & I'm feeling better. At the moment i'm reading a lot of book on spiritual healing. This is something that I have always been interested in but never fully did it as H thought that it was none sense!
The good thing about this break up is that today since my arrival here I didn't think about H, I really enjoyed my work and had loads of fun there. Today I saw a glimpse of who Rouky really is and that feeling was priceless.
I still pray to God, MIL and now my beloved dog, but no more about saving my marriage but about helping me become a better woman. Looking back H and OW have a lot more in commun than him and me ( I think the cultural difference took its toll on us). If he is happy than who am I to wish him not to be? I wished he would have been happy with me but I wasn't meant to be.
I'm still dreading meeting him as not seeing him lately means that I don't focus so much on him. I see him every other day, but for some reason this week it wasnt the case. I have noticed that I heal better and faster when I don't see him physically.
I won't push to say that I'm happy as Larry eveyday but for me minimal contact does me wonder. I'm carrying on with my life: work, kids ( even offered to help with one of my kids activity), reading. I miss having a companion to share things with but looking back H would forbid me to talk about my job and in the end for now it was like back then but the difference is that I don't have to be on eggshells all the time and watch what I could or couldn't say.
I have also stop all contact with my friend after a final rude comment a day after I lost my dog. She was there for me when I went through all of this, unfortunately she is stuck in anger, resentment and that was dragging me down. So I feel like a weight has been taken of my shoulder. I know I should feel bad because she helped me but when her H cheated on her I was there for her, but now it's time to move on from her negativity.
I'm a very negative person and I'm trying to change this and the last thing I want is someone getting me stuck while I want to be free like a butterfly!
On the dating side, I'm talking with people but nothing comes out of it. The funny thing is I should be flattered to get some attention, but honestly I can't be bothered. Don't want to think that I'll be single all my life, but I do know that at the moment I'm at the beginning of becoming a butterfly and I don't want anyone nor anything jeopardise this. Also you might call me naive but I don't think using dating website is natural and I prefer to see where my life is taking me and take it from here.
I still hope that I will find someone to share my life with but not to the price of my own happiness. I'm the price and I should be treat as such. The more I stand back the more I realise H is incapable of loving anyone but himself. I feel sorry for OW who has expectations. I truly believe that he is an energy sugar as he took all the best out of me, did the same with his first partner and probably OW.
If I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow I can look back on my life and say every time I took a decision based on my best knowledge. I was always done all I could for everyone, and I kept to my morals and values which I can't say much for H.
Sorry for the long post but it felt so good to write it.
...What I found hard is even tough I know we had a great time I was struggling to feel really happy. It was only towards the end that I really felt at peace.
I know that feeling. I work hard to do fun things with my kids and we always have fun, but underneath, somewhere inside, there is always a certain level of sadness that we aren't doing all of this together as a family like we used to.
I am doing so much better these days than I was in the beginning, but I wonder if this is a feeling that will ever go away. I wish I could tell you that it does, but I am so unsure of that myself right now...
Originally Posted By: Rouky
...why did she had to go for a married man. She isn't bad looking and I'm sure she gets a lot of attention from men, so why my H?
I've have read so much about how the AP is similar to the MLCer... that they mirror something inside of themselves... I don't necessarily see that in my sitch. Instead, like you, I wonder "why my W?" The OW in my sitch (we are/were a same-sex couple) is 20 years younger than us and could easily have found someone her own age because she is very attractive and very intelligent -- and from a different country which means it would have been so much easier to just find someone closer to her geographically than to engage in the online EA which eventually became a PA (she moved here) with my exW. And yes, in my case the OW knew all about me and initially was told by my exW how wonderful I was and how much she loved me and appreciated me in her life... My exW's opinion of me changed very quickly as the EA progressed...
Most of us will probably never know why the OW/OM made the choices they made with regard to getting involved with our spouses. I doubt I ever will but in my process I have accepted that and just placed my faith in God (my personal belief) that this is all part of the plan and part of the paths for each of us individually.
So in your case, if you will never know the answer, ask yourself what you need to do to be okay with never knowing and to be able to move forward in spite of it.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Sorry -- replied to an earlier post... thought the forum took me to the most recent post... Ooops... Ignore my previous comments if no longer relevant... :-)
Very sorry to hear about your dog :-( We lost two pets not long after BD and that combined with the death of my exW's step mom (catalyst for major MLC), the BD, and having to eventually tell our kids we were splitting up made for a horrible 12 months of loss in ours and our kids' lives. **hugs**
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Didn't have a great night as I knew I'd see H today for kids swap, so I decided to stay in the house and clear of his way, I can't tell you how much more settled I felt by doing that!
Today has been a week since I took the hard decision to put my boy to sleep. I was blessed by a friend who send me a lovely text on dog. This friend is so caring and thoughtful that I know God put her on my path.
I'm becoming the Rouky I was before meeting H. When I moved house I kept all the photos albums, and in one of them I had pictures of my dog with H. I framed two pictures that I put in each of my kids' room, and one that I wrapped and gave to H. I did it over the weekend, and there was no hidden agenda from me. I genuinely felt happy to do it for H. I don't know what he thought about it and I don't care. I noticed that the last few years I had become a butch towards my H because I was unhappy, and I developped resentment towards him because I felt he didn't love me, didn't support me. I thought all this unhappiness would resolve by itself, but now I know better. I can clearly see my part in all this mess, and I don't want to ever again be that person.
I didn't know how to love my H, nor did he with me. I'm learning from this but not so sure about H. Now I know that I will always love him and I have to accept that it will never be reciprocated, and I'm getting fine with it. H was a part of my life where I struggled a lot and unfortunately he wasn't/ isn't in a great place either.
The only difference now is that I'm working on me and sorting out all the issues I had/ have one by one to become a better me. Sadly H hasn't even started his journey and I don't think OW is capable of supporting him in that. At the moment he is having his fun, although I believe that at one point he will have to face his demons and I'm afraid he won't have the tools I have learnt to cope with. I deeply feel sorry to him as his life was a mess when I met him, but now it's even worse for him. I honestly wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now nor in his mind.
I can pass away now, and with my hand on my heart I can say I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now I know what to show to my kids, and I wished I had known all about relationships and loving myself before I enter my marriage as I feel things could have been different!
I'm a loving, kind, compassionate person who lost herself and I know I have much love to offer but not to my expense anymore. H has really lost a gem (who was all along there but covered under a lot of dust), I have gained Rouky back and I'm slowly rebuilding my life. I'm feeling more the love of my friends around me and for the moment it's what I need more than a romantic relationship. I trust God that he has a plan for me.
I think there is a saying that says that when things are hard they carry on being hard, well I can relate to it tonight. Last night it was a week since I have put my dog to sleep and my mum announced me that my dad's leukaemia is back and that he's starting chemo next week!
Just to recap in the last 18 months I have gone through infidelity, end of my marriage, my mum's cancer, my dad's heart surgery, selling my house, losing my beloved pet and now this! I think I'm being tested on how much rubish I can take in such a short space of time, but you know what I'm finally understanding what detaching means. Last week I was sad for my dog, but knew it was the best thing to do for him, today I'm sad for my dad but it is out of my control. Now I have two choices: I can either go down to the self pity and negative road (the one that led to H's affair), or I can stay positive and see my dad has a chance to get better but if it doesn't work he would have lived his life to the fullest. The old Rouky would have gone down to road number one, this is no longer me, I'm looking at my life in a positive way. It will hurt but if it's his time to go then so be it. I can't control that.
On another note H has been showing sign of kindness. I haven't seen him physically for a week now and I'm much better, but he sent me a thank you text for the picture I gave him. I had to inform him about my dad health as it could have an impact on how I am with the kids but also so he is not surprised if I have to go back home in emergency so he can look after his own kids. Well he sent me a nice message. The beauty of it is that I'm not looking into it more than a friend being kind to me. If this is dropping the rope then I have found inner piece.
On a happy note I have felt happy, fulfilled, loved and satisfy with my life for the last two days and I feel so good. Can't describe it but it is a feeling I haven't felt before, and I believe God is putting me through all this to make me feel this and also to make me realise that my strength has always been there but never surfac because I was scared.
What a difficult but enlightening 18 months! You sound peaceful, or at least well on your way to finding peace. That strength that got you through the hard times really shows in your post. What an amazing amount of growth this crisis causes.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
This is a lovely post and you sound much more positive. You are stronger then you think. I do agree w/you about God and what he's putting you through right now. He wants you to dig deep for that inner strength and to know that no matter what happens, you will be fine.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just reporting. Had a not so nice night, but I was expecting it after the news about my dad. H is getting back to his old trick. He tried not to see his kids because he was running late and he wanted me to tell the kids. I told him that he could tell then himself. The funny part was that when I told him this, he said he'd be there asap! In the end he spoke to the kids and came to see them. Not long but he made the effort.
I'm saying this not to put him in a bad light but more for me to see how much growth I have done lately. The old Rouky would have let him do what he wanted because she was scared of what his reactions could be and was hoping that agreeing with him would bring him back. The new Rouky is finally emerging and I'm proud I stuck to my gun. This is for me to realise that I'm no longer a doormat and living in fear in thinking will this or that bring me closer to H! I'm proud of myself!
