Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 4)

[ForGump]

... and those who look at and focus on what their partner isn't.

And why do they focus on what's missing from their partners? I think that's an important question to ask.

The answer is that there are some people who are fundamentally unhappy and/or feel empty inside in some significant way. Lacking that ability within themselves, they look outside themselves to be happy. If they're not feeling happy inside, they blame the external world for their unhappiness -- in our cases, the imperfect husbands who leave their goddam dirty socks around everywhere.

The tragedy is that once the hapless hubbies are replaced, there is a brief honeymoon period, then the cycle repeats itself. Meanwhile, young kids bear the brunt of this human condition.

[JRuss]

Your second paragraph could have been written by my IC. That's been her point all along: that nothing I do to myself, for myself, for her, for the marriage, 180s, GAL -- none of it matters if my W is going to continue to run from what she's running from. She'll always of necessity scapegoat and find wanting her important relationships for not being transformative and the cure for her unhappiness.

That's why I was so excited to hear she was going to see her own MC. I thought, hmmm -- maybe she starts doing the work I started doing 2+ years ago, and we see what happens. Then I find out that what she's really done is hire a divorce coach. So just more artificial validation that pushes off into the distance the real work she needs to do to be a happy person.

[ForGump]

Just to push back a little ... maybe your W's IC isn't as bad as you fear?

Have you asked your own IC whether your W's IC is any good, whether she's just a divorce coach?

[ForGump]

p.s. I'd be so ecstatic if my WW got into therapy w/ anyone, a quack or not ... Count your blessings, JR (somewhat sarcastically).

On that note, my IC thinks it's healthy for me to acknowledge to my kids what I'm going through. If they bring up certain worries or fears (about home or Mommy & Daddy), it's OK to say I worry about some of those things too, without going into details. I think the idea is to be real and to not blindside them with reality when things become worse. I have been thinking about this, but haven't had a chance to put it into practice.

[JRuss]

Thanks, Gump. I know you struggle in your situation, and I appreciate you checking in on mine.

There's unfortunately no basis for being ecstatic or even mildly hopeful over there, though. Every day she just strengthens her resolve to blow our family up. It's like she's gaining momentum and not looking back.

I just found out she's been calling my best friend a lot -- over a multi-year peroid -- to help her "just to stay in the marriage". He's been a "gift" she says because he's apparently helped her enough that she wasn't forced to leave long ago,helped her figure out ways to deal with me, etc. I haven't talked to him yet but plan to today. Not sure what to say to someone who has kept this sort of secret relationship with my wife hidden for so long, didn't warn me that my marriage was in trouble, knows things about me and my marriage I wouldn't ever share with him . . . it makes my skin crawl.

[ForGump]

JRuss, that is potentially very upsetting info. But I really think it depends on the particulars. I could imagine something like that taking place w/ your wife and best friend having the best intentions. So I encourage you to get more info before going too far in one direction.

Are you suspicious that there may have been some romantic connection between the two?

Do you feel like details of the marriage that were irrelevant and private were shared?

Were there issues that your wife really could not talk to you about first, before she went to your best friend?

I'm somewhat sympathetic to this situation because I'm guilty of having talked to close friends & family about my situation. Some of it was just me needing to share my frustrations, and ... well, in my case, my W simply refuses to discuss anything w/ me so it's not like I can talk to her about it first.

[JRuss]

Yeah, I'm trying to keep calm and not go off the minute I get on the phone with him. I've actually talked to him a lot about things as my marriage has slowly imploded, though, so for him not to mention in any of those many conversations that he's been in repeated contact with my wife about the very same topic is upsetting. He has his own very strained marriage. The mind reels with possibilities, so many of them horrible.

The more I think on it, the less possibility I see of their being a completely benign explanation or story.

[ForGump]

Oh man, JR...

I really do hope that it turns out to be all well-intended, maybe just a misguided effort by them to try to do something positive. You've got enough trouble in your marriage as-is, you don't need this extra dimension -- if it is really something bad -- to be added to your troubles.

Keep your cool, JR, and keep us posted.

[lt0402]

JR, I agree that's not an ideal thing to find out. Try to approach it unemotionally (easier said than done) and see what you find out. Better to try to sort through it first before jumping to any sort of conclusion.

Curious how she brought it up to you? If there was something nefarious going on, it seems odd she'd offer the information directly to you. Who knows though. My W has "hidden" things in plain sight, so it's difficult to know what they're thinking when they do stuff.

Regardless, keep your cool, get some intel, and go from there. Here for you brother, sorry about the latest twist.

[ForGump]

Hey JRuss. I've only cliches to offer: hope you had a good weekend with the kids, and hope you're staying strong. The currents are deep and strong and I feel like I'm drifting about.