Hello hello! New thread time and new stuff going on in my sitch. Ironically enough, it has nothing to do with h, but has everything to do with my feelings of doneness/completeness with officially letting go of the old m in the legal sense. I know my options and am just mulling things over. I also suspect that my emotions could falter back and forth a bit as I continue to think things through, but for now... I feel good that I've done what I can and continue to do what I can to learn and live a life of integrity, vulnerability, courage, and love. I'm OK being in this space as life is good and I no longer miss h or have the desire to be with him. I'm sure once I actively pursue the d (or have him actively pursue the d) my feelings of sadness and hurt will likely return, but I'm perfectly content right now.
Few things- as part of my DB goals, I signed up for a triathlon a few months ago. It's next weekend! Eeek! I'm so excited. I also signed up for a class through BerkleyX online... It's a semester length class on the Science of Hapiness. That starts this week. Some students created a Facebook page to go along with the class and I'm part of that group. Awesome quotes, stories, research on the subject. I love it.
It's going to be a busy weekend of training and eating and sleeping and cleaning... But I'm looking forward to it. Did a bike ride and run this morning and will head out to the pool later for laps.
That's it for now. Be well everyone.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Your post is so upbeat, and I'm proud of what you are about to achieve. I'm also so admirative of what you are doing. I can see great things coming your way.
You sound really good. You've got a few things to look forward in the weeks ahead. Next week is going to be super busy and will require your focus to run that race.
I'm glad you are mulling things over and not doing something in a knee jerk fashion. Your feels are going to waffle back and forth for a while...but that's okay...you are human.
Take care, get some rest this weekend and relax a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Greetings! Wow, this journey.... Eeeesh. I kind of wish I had a psych student following me around for a research study on emotions. I'd make a great case study!
So, I had a nice and very productive weekend, but found myself shedding a few tears over my sitch. To be completely honest, this morning, I woke up at 4 and sobbed until 7ish. Thank god I had my dog to snuggle with me. I think I'm grieving the fact that this really feels over. I guess everyone is right, it is up to the LBS to decide when its done and limbo is over (though I haven't felt in limbo for a while).
Today, when h and I swapped the dog... He seemed a little solemn. There was something so distinct about his demeanor, I think he wanted to tell me something and I watched him kind of twitch twice. You know when you go to say something and then catch yourself.
No mind reading of course, But if he did want to say something, I can only assume it was about the divorce papers as he was going to fill them out about 3 weeks ago. I've been waiting to hear the status of it, but refuse to ask.
So that's it. Definitely feeling the little cloud following me around today. I'm looking forward to going home, working out, and then starting my happiness class. Hopefully, I'll get some shut eye, too.
Best wishes for a great day ahead.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Feyth, I'm sorry you had a rough morning - but it is also good to let the grief out. What I would say is that I think everyone feels their sitch is beyond all hope at some point. Some prove not to be beyond hope in time (lots of time) and I do think ultimately the choice tends to lie with the LBS oftentimes.
Yes it sounds as though something is going on for your H. It may be that he has something to tell you or it may just be something else going on. Time will tell and in the meantime, do keep being awesome. Your happiness class sounds great and I feel happy just reading about it!!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
No mind reading of course, But if he did want to say something, I can only assume it was about the...
Yes, of course. ;p
"you look nice." No if I say that then it might give her hope and I don't know if that's a good idea because I am currently the mayor of crazy town and I'm not sure if I'm going to be reelected.
"You have something on your teeth." No, that's just awkward for both of us...but it's like right there...
"I found God last night" I'm not sure maybe she will make fun of me, and really who is going to believe me when I say I found him in my glovebox anyway?
Soooo many possible topics it could have been.
About hope.
Hope is like a fire. If you let it get out of control it burns down everything around you...including you.
If you keep hope in a little box, and let it out only when you need it, it helps you get through this.
I am sorry for your crying this morning, and that along with a dollar will get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds. By that I mean the sorry is nice and all but doesn't really do much for you.
The papers are his idea, let him drive the car on that issue. I think you are right not to ask.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The day ended on a better note and I'm not in the funk that I was in earlier. I was so tired from being up so early that I ate dinner and fell asleep without working out or logging into my class. I must do double duty tomorrow!
Also, I had an interesting conversation with this "hot guy" at work. Even when I was married and had zero interest in him, he kind of made me nervous every time I spoke to him. He's intimidatingly good looking. We were leaving the office late, and he said something about if I wanted to grab a bite. I was too tired to catch on so I said, I'm good... Thanks... Just going to head home. He said, "ok, well we should hang out sometime...maybe next week. Just call me or text me." Not sure what that is about, but the good news is, I got a little tongue tied, and flushed (so embarrassing) while talking with him. He's so dang cute... I'll allow myself to see it and say it now. Why is this good? It means I'm still alive and not consumed by my connection to h. I love having positive and giddy feelings! It makes me feel like myself again. I'm not interested in pursuing anything with this guy, even a friendship, because I don't like to mix biz and pleasure. It's just nice to have the reminder that I'm still human.
Here's what I'm seeing with myself. I've spent the last year working every single day on myself. As many of you know, I started DBing the day before I moved out. This has been a 100% solo journey since that day and I worked morning noon and night to get myself to a good place. I think I'm good and ready to project that energy outward and invite another person into my life. I think that's why I've been allowing myself to have more interactions with men. I keep checking myself to determine if it's just loneliness, neediness, or anything else to really make sure that I know what I'm doing. Truth is, I don't know what I'm doing but i continue to move further and further ahead. the further I leave h behind, the less I'm interested in that ol' life. I'm just not interested.
Jack, you are right... H could have anything on his mind. my brain always goes to where the most logical direction might be because I knew him so well for so long. I get that there's no logic when dealing with an MLCer, but I've had a hard time accepting it. My h was a stanchion of logical rationality... Until he wasn't (like a lot of MLCers).
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Some food for thought from my happiness class... "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." Dalai Lama
Yep, we do this when we DB (in our role as friendly neighbor). But I can honestly say through this that I haven't actively practiced compassion for h.... Moreso just indifference since he hasn't played a role in my life for so long. I don't know if/ how I can or should change it... But it's an opportunity to look even deeper at the sitch and make changes for myself for the future. While the above is a simple concept, it can really open the door to a new way of thinking if you examine it enough. just wanted to share!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
It's one that we all should live by, but it takes quite a bit of time to get actually have compassion for our wayward spouses, considering they are so busy burning bridges all over the place...but we all will get there.
Thanks for sharing the quote.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ive been thinking about that word over the last 36 hours. What it means..... How I exhibit it... How others exhibit it, etc.
This morning I completed my triathlon! It was not easy. Not at all, but I did it. Part of me was wondering if should go through with it because I have been sick with 100 degree fever for the last 2 days. I wasn't sure if I could or should push it..... But I committed to it and I was not going to let that stop me! I did well. Had I been 100%, I'm sure I could have done better, but I'm still so proud and I had fun out there! There's been a couple physical barriers to this race (sprained my ankle and couldn't train for 6 weeks), but I made sure to not let anything get in my way. Fortitude, right?
So, these physical endeavors have all been a part of my DB goals and GAL plan. During my last two half marathons, which were emotional, I cried over h. I cried for the relationship, I cried that he wasn't there to support me as my best friend, and I cried for him as a person. Today, was emotional too. No tears, but instead the whole 2.5 hours I was able to reflect on how much stronger I am. I know I'm stronger than I think and I know I'll be ok. We'll all be ok. We've got a lot of fortitude running through all our veins, brains, and hearts.
Much love, dbers.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
