Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

No one can tell me that my W already knows the answers to these questions. Basic math has failed her because she's drained our bank accounts by almost half. I have to make an effort to explain to her that getting a D will impact the entire future of her mother's life and her children's life because nothing she is planning is financially viable AT ALL. You might say "She doesn't care" - well I do!

Avoiding these talks is to do nothing. She's placed a restraining order on our bank accounts. We have a court date on the 31st, and I only have 30 days to reply to the petition for D. She is thoughtlessly burning down her own life out of rage because she cannot think of another answer. This decision will ruin the lives of her children, her parents and myself. I will not beg, plead, cry or scream. I will talk to her every day that while a D might be good for her - it will ruin the lives of 7 other people (kids, me, MIL & FIL, uncle).

I cannot sit around any further, I have adhered to doormat tactics all year long. She is now seeking a D, she is asking me to quit my entire life. I cannot do that. I am not responding to that with inaction. I have spent this year giving her space & freedom to do whatever she wants. If she spent another year of spacing out on her cell phone and ignoring the kids, I would have gone along.

She wants to destroy our home. GALing and going dark is not the answer. I have to try and explain the CONSEQUENCES of her actions - especially on her own children. If I lose, at least I tried.

[Esame]

Andrew you know you wife better than anyone else, and you know your situation best. I'm only suggesting that your wife might already know the answers to those questions because only two weeks ago I had the same conversations with my H. My H who is the most logical person I know, but I couldn't get through to him at all. And I said all those things. The kids, the money, the parents in law, everything. He is adamant that he wants out, he wants a D. He was so convinced he was right about it, that he told his mum that we separated. His mum just finished chemotherapy. I think while they are in their fog there is no speech you can make that will get through to them. Maybe you should get legal advice or a meditator? Or counselling? Maybe one of the vets can give better advice than me. Best of luck, I wish there was something I could do to help

[Sotto]

Sadly, logic doesn't tend to prevail with MLCers, who are very much emotion-driven. Please don't feel that you can appeal to their logical side, as that is very much secondary to feelings just now. However, do take reasonable steps to protect your own interests.

[Gordie]

Brubeck,

So I just read through all of your threads. Any update? Your signature says there is a new EA?

[Brubeck]

Gordie,

Thanks for asking, brother. I appreciate it. Plenty happens with a live-in MLCer, but I stopped posting for many reasons. I was just too tired, and I knew 2x4s are used around here, but the 2x4s I was receiving from ericsmant2, Mach1 and (I think) CaliGuy I didn't understand. I just didn't get what they were trying to say. I get it now, but it's still hard for me. Detaching and GALing requires massive application on my part - but it does pay off when I do it.

I never stopped lurking here at DB. I've been reading threads the entire time. It's comforting. Many of my friends don't understand MLC. Some don't ask about my W anymore, I understand they're sick of hearing about it, and I need to detach and get on with other things - which I enjoy when I focus on it. The one friend who still listens to me processing with my W's MLC stuff has dealt a great deal with bi-polar disorder, which MLC looks like sometimes, so she understands.

I lost my job at the end of December. The company that bought us out had offices in states with lower overhead costs. Chicago is expensive. The president called me personally to tell me he was closing our office. I was given 30 days notice and a small severance. He thanked me for being a solid Operations Manager and said he was satisfied with how I ran the office. It was just a money thing for him. I admit I almost laughed after I got the call. This came at the end of the worst year of my life. Dealing with a year of MLC and watching my life blow up in front of me.

I've been looking for a new job since the New Year. I had two phone interviews for positions right up my alley and was passed over for both. I was told both times that I was qualified but they found candidates with experience more specific to the position. I don't think I projected enough confidence. I didn't do any chest-beating, I stuck to the facts and showcased a lot of my know-how and detailed information about the specifics of my industry. I think for future interviews I'll need to do a little more general boasting about my ability to handle anything, etc. Someone told me not to focus on details unless they ask. The details are in my resume.

I admit I don't know what I want to do. I am looking for something in the exact same role as before, but what kept me at my company for 21 years was the environment. I loved the people and that made the work great. Competency and kindness were not mutually exclusive.

Part of me is saying "just find something in your industry that pays enough to handle all the bills!" The other part of me is asking "What do you really want to do?" With a stay-at-home wife, 3 boys, a mortgage and a D and child support payments coming up, I don't feel I have the option to ask the big question. I know I'd like to work with good people in a positive environment, more than anything else.

I submit 2 or 3 resumes a day, but my heart is not in this job search. I want to work, I want the bills paid, but I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to be at home all day.

Funny thing is, W has not asked me ONCE about our budget since I was given 30 days notice. She has not started any conversation about how to handle our financial situation. She's also not informing me about school stuff with the kids, I am finding things out through a school app. I don't know if she's excluding me on purpose or if her MLC amnesia is at work.

W is getting worse in slow increments. I remember reading MLC checklists about a year ago and finding she only fit a quarter of them. Now that list is more than half. The same problems persist for her - memory lapses, insomnia, short temper, starving herself then binge-eating, wasting money (her account, not mine), cell phone addiction, and so on. She's also losing some hair and getting acne on her back and neck.

The freakiest thing to emerge is the paranoia. I NEVER thought this would happen too. Based on nothing more than unopened pieces of mail, my W thinks I am now hiding or funneling money from her. The scariest part is, she's reporting some of this crap to her lawyer. She also thinks I'm hiding my severance pay from her. I never mentioned my severance pay. She just assumed I got one. She's right, and it's been sitting there all along in our joint account since December 30th. She's never bothered to look.

She tells me she's convinced that I am trying to screw her over financially one-last-time before the D is final. I asked if she knew what dissipation was. She didn't. I explain it's when you suspiciously move money around during a D, and that ANYTHING I do could be considered dissipation. She called me a "f**king idiot" (in front of the boys) and said I am just ignoring my lawyer and taking advice from my mother or someone else who "doesn't trust technology". I try to listen and validate, but I am not going to apologize or defend her crazy accusations. She ran out of steam and left the room waving both of her middle fingers at me, saying "I've hated you for years".

One thing I've learned (here and elsewhere) was about learning not to worry. Live in the moment. Getting anxious about the future only robs me of the moment. I have to work at it with chanting, but I am getting better at turning off my brain at night.

I will post more later. Had to puke all that out of my brain. Sorry for the length.

[Gordie]

1. Sorry about the job loss, that on top of everything else, just stinks. The fact that she hasn't looked in the joint account for your severance? Classic.

2. Your W not keeping you up about the kids' school is a problem. This can't be the pattern now as it will only get worse after a S or D. Have you informed the school administration so that both of you are included on all communication?

3. The anger towards you at nearly all times is excruciating. I don't think I'd be able to handle that. How have you managed to not lose your mind and soul?

[HaWho]

Brubeck - sorry about the job. I know exactly what you mean about the importance of having a kind work environment. When you have a live-in, you can't go from one misery to the next and and then back to the first, only to start it all over again.

The MLC paranoia is brutal. Not much more I can say on that. And yes, mine grew worse, too, over time as my posts chronicle.

I was thinking of you recently. When we returned from back east and revisited all my h's old haunts he retold many stories from childhood plus added some new horrific gems to the pile. In general, I found it very hard to be around his parents. I just know too much. And yes, it was long ago and people change: blah, blah, blah. But a child is a child and wrong is always wrong.

Anyway I thought of you and wondered how you managed to live with your MIL, too, through it all. I was curious how your MIL handles this all? Does she notice that something is very wrong with her daughter?

I just went through interviews myself. I also feel like I did not exhibit enough confidence. I found I needed to sell myself more but without cockiness. Also? I did the best at the companies where I immediately (from cover letter to phone screen to interview) specifically told them what I loved about them. If they made x product, I went, bought it and spoke specifically about it. If they provided y service "oh, I love this about your service..." I also researched the companies, extensively, via Glassdoor to see what past interviewees and current employees said. I was surprised by how often people relayed information that ended up being true.

One last thing I found had changed is that now it is acceptable at the end of a phone screen to politely ask for an interview! I am so old that I was taught this was rude and unprofessional. But if it's a role you do like, it is acceptable to say something like: "I am really interested in this position and I'd love the opportunity to interview for this."

You've got this! Just look at what you've already survived.

It was nice to hear an update.

[Brubeck]

The job hunt is starting to get some replies. I have 2 more interviews lined up next week and a couple of people have offered to pass my resume on to some friends. I've asked old colleagues to write recommendations on LinkedIn, and every one of them have said yes so far. It's discouraging, I've sent my resume to over 30 companies. I try to stay positive and remind myself that I am largely looking for work outside my industry - so I'm gonna knock on many doors that won't open.

The upside to being unemployed for the past 6 weeks is I have spent so much time with S3 that I have made leaps & bounds in his vocabulary. He can say so many words now and not just in response, but he also begins conversations too. He's singing as well and taking small steps with toilet training. I didn't notice his improvement until after a month of being at home. He was evaluated and approved for speech therapy last summer, but the only available school wasn't within walking distance, so W never bothered enrolling him.

I don't know if his vocabulary had also been stalled because I learned from being at home during the day that W barely speaks with the boys. Her daytime schedule is exactly the same as her night time schedule - in bed & on the phone.

I found out that S8 has had behavior problems at school - he's being targeted by bullies. He was moved to a different table and doing better at first, until he started getting cranky with nearby classmates for not completing "group work" on time. His teacher notified us about the 2nd problem through a school app, which is how I learned about it, but the initial problem was reported directly to W, who never told me.

I reached out to S8's teacher directly via email, and received a very enthusiastic response. We agreed that we saw similarities in S8 having no academic issues but just difficulty in transitioning to new activities. She was very happy to hear me ask what we could do at home to improve his behavior.

There's also problems with one of the kids who come over. MLC Friend #1 has a 10 year old boy who is kind of uptight and introverted and doesn't socialize well and is put off by my S8. When this kid feels bothered, my W sides with this kid and lectures S8 about leaving him alone. I don't know why she would side against S8 in view of her guests, maybe it's just easier for her.

Again, this has been going on for months, but I just learned about it. She's so damn NC that she won't even discuss the kids with me anymore. Her only discussions with me are logistics, making sure I'm home to watch the kids for whenever she goes out, and sometimes even that doesn't happen. She just says "I'm going out with MLC Friend #1" on her way out the front door.

I want to say something to her, but observing things around the house, I know her memory skills are f%*ked up. MLC Friend #1 gave us a gigantic goose last month. W put it in the freezer, where it took up more than half the space. After 3 weeks in there, I threw it out. She never asked about it. When our tax forms came in, she angrily demanded my W2 forms so she could file taxes for the year. That was a month ago, they're still sitting on the bookshelf.

I see forgetfulness left and right in her, except when she walks into the same room as me! No matter how happy she is with her phone conversation, she always puts on a kill-you face when I get within eyeshot.

I'm going with S8 on a field trip tomorrow to a forest preserve. I'm looking forward to getting away to nature for a bit.

Belated discovery: U2's Songs of Innocence. A little weird by their standards, but we all gotta grow.

[FightOn]

Brubeck, hang in there with the job search. It sounds like you have some promising leads. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

The memory lapses are astounding aren't they? They are so wrapped up in themselves everything that doesn't directly relate to them seems to go right out the window. It could almost be funny, but then when you see it have an impact on the children and their lives, well, it's maddening.

Have fun tomorrow on the field trip with S8. It sounds like it'll be a fun adventure!

[Brubeck]

W's lawyer filed another motion last week. It was a court order for me to seek employment. At the time of its filing, I had been searching for a job for 1 month. I had already been on 2 interviews. I spend a minimum of 2 hours each morning submitting my resume online to companies. W knows this. She knows every bit of this. She still had her lawyer file this useless motion. I don't know why.

I asked her why she would authorize such a thing. I stated the aforementioned facts about going on 2 interviews and working online daily. I told her this was useless paperwork and that she's running up a huge legal bill for both of us. She just shrugged and said the lawyer initially suggested this as a back-up plan but "went ahead and sent the order in anyway". I know this is a lie. My L's office verifies any activity from me beforehand.

Half of my 2nd retainer is already used up dealing with this crap. I will probably have to put down another retainer in a few months. I am contemplating the possibility that filing for bankruptcy may be in my future.

I reported to my lawyer's office 2 weeks ago that W has a private checking/savings account that I know nothing about and have no access to. If I have to disclose all my income - and share half after bill payments - as part of the financial restraining order, why does she get to keep her account private? They said they'd get back to me. It's been two weeks.

Another wrinkle. I checked the joint account this weekend and W has just made a payment of $200 towards a credit card in her name. I know nothing of any credit card she has, so this card is new and for her personal use and violates the terms of our financial restraining order.

I've been 2 months unemployed now. W lays in bed all day and night clutching her cell phone for conversation or video games. She's up until 2 am every night watching television shows and often sleeps in her clothes.

She has gotten nicer and more affectionate with the boys lately, but there are still moments where she turns on them in a heartbeat.

Friday morning I am getting ready for a job interview. The bathroom sink is clogged up. I tell W I will fix it when I return. I get home and find a plunger in the bath tub. I enter the kids room where she's on the phone. I stand in the doorway, I don't interrupt, and I wait to be acknowledged by her. She tells the person on the other line to hold on.

M: "I saw a plunger in the bath tub. Did something else go wrong?"

W: "The sink is clogged."

M: "Yes, I know. Did something else get clogged while I was out?"

W: "No, I was trying to plunge the bathroom sink."

M: "Oh, OK."

I turn around to leave. She snaps - "OK, bye!"

I have reduced my contact with her to only absolute necessities - household needs, the kids, and budget. Even with just talking about these necessary things, she finds ways to get nasty.

The next day, I am running cleaner through the bathroom sink. She says we should just call a plumber. I remind her that we just spent $260 after the holidays fixing the shower and if we can drain the sink without calling a plumber, I'd rather do it that way. Besides, it's Saturday and we might have to wait until Monday anyway. Oh yeah, I am freaking unemployed.

She snaps again, speaking very rapidly - "I don't want to sit around watching you check out YouTube videos all day on how to fix this yourself. How about if I just call my lawyer and have her file a motion that orders you to fix the sink? How about we do it that way? I don't wanna wait around forever while you figure out how this works." She leaves.

I relay both stories to my mother and my friend MW. They are both flabbergasted. They don't understand how I can still live there.