If you are right, then my wife has been in a midlife crisis for almost three years and maybe she is almost done with it.
Cld - I know that others have touched on this already and I haven't read all their responses as of yet but just wanted to add on this bit. There was a person on the forums a while ago, AmyC who had gone through a MLC herself and came back and gave back to the community in an amazing way. A thread in the "reading" is devoted to her and I strongly recommend reading through it.
One that struck me the most and is at the top of the list was this one:
Originally Posted By: AmyC
I know what you're doing. You want to construct a timeline to give yourself some reasonable idea as to how far she is into this thing. PLEASE do yourself a favor, SCREW THE TIMELINE IDEA.
Just like you I would take a look at W's moods, think about her history and plot out where she was on the "timeline". They're not walking a linear path though with a known destination. They're lost in the fog just like we are. We're just fortunate that there are guides in the fog to remind us of where the different paths are for us but other than having watched other travelers in the past which gives them some insight into those journeys we all have no clue where any of our spouses may be.
I know that even up to a week ago I struggled with this expecting my W to "snap out of it" any day now.
Patience my dear Cld - patience and strength will get you through this to the other side.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The problem with the stages of the MLC is that they do not follow a set pattern. They could go from replay to depression to anger, back to replay. Being in one stage doesn't mean they are any closer to end of their MLC than any other stage.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'm going to tag on to Jack's comments at the stages. They are just a guideline to help you better understand some of the behavior. Do not take to heart any of what you read about how long each stage is. Why? Because each and every person is unique, they have different childhood issues to deal with as well as their coping skills aren't that great. Each stage, between bouncing around in some of them at one time or another, they will take as long as they take for each person. Also, the 3-5 years for the crisis is just an estimate. Some take longer, others a shorter amount of time and then there are those that are stuck.
I also want to point out, that if they do come thru the crisis, they can: 1) return as the person you knew, but much more settled/mature; 2) can return w/some of the MLC traits still intact: or 3) be a totally different person, some may good and others not good at all.
Again, it takes time, the MLCer is on a very, very slow clock and they will finish their crisis only when they are ready and possibly have faced their issues. Until then, live your life to the fullest, treat each day as a new adventure and at the end of the day, be thankful for being alive and have the opportunity to see each sunrise and sunset.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
each and every person is unique, they have different childhood issues to deal with as well as their coping skills aren't that great.
My feeling is that no one asks a 2 year old child, how long will it be until you are an adult. It takes as long as it takes to grow up. MLC'ers are children learning to grow up, their issues could take at least that long. A 15 year old might take 5 years and a 2 year old might take 20 years.
This is how I was raised and this is how it's going to be.
And maybe this is the problem. We have all baggage and things that need to change, often time as a result of our upbringing. The one thing that I see very clearly in your responses is a stubbornness that will not bode well for you over the long haul.
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I told her several times in the past that I will not give up on the family and I will not put another woman in front of the kids. I even told her that in court in front of the judge.
Actions speak louder than words. STOP TELLING her and just SHOW her that you RESPECT her enough to RESPECT her choices. Beating on your chest and proclaiming that you will stand for ever will NOT work.
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The kids love my position and are extremely excited about it because it gives them a sense of security.
Keep the kids out it! Look up the term parental alienation and you will see what I mean. Putting the kids in the middle FORCES THEM to choose sides. STOP IT! It is another form of manipulation.
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I know guys that would have moved to another state or another country to avoid all the hassle and would have started a new life with another woman right after she filed the papers and that would have been a disaster for both her and the kids.
This statement is EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to a LOT of men on these boards. Maybe this applies to the men YOU know. Me and my friends are different. My advice – get new friends.
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I am different, I am a stander and I am committed to the family.
What is a stander to you? Is it being who you are right now? Cause this is not standing.
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I am buying another rental property on Friday and I would like to buy 4 more next year.
Emotional success and business success are TWO different things. Which is more important to YOU?
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especially my dad who is a rock like me, a very successful entrepreneur who never gave up when it came to business and to family.
Ask your kids if they played ROCK, PAPER, SISSIOR. There is a reason that PAPER wins over ROCK. It is flexible. A rock is strong indeed. It does not MOVE easily, It is hard to break. It is also hard to GROW. Think about this.
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1. "If I try to divorce him, I will die" 2. "If Child Protective Service ever comes, he would lock and load" 3. "If I try to divorce him, he will take the kids out of the country"
Maybe just maybe is you stop proclaiming that YOU WILL WAIT FOREVER…..she will feel a bit more comfortable. Obviously, what you have been doing is NOT working. DB 101 – “Do what works”.
As Cat mentioned, a lot of poster that I respect are trying to get you to see something. You are not. I get it. I was the same way. Maybe just put aside the pride, bravado and machismo and listen with an open mind and heart.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I agree with you, MLCers are children learning to grow up. This is exactly what's happening to my wife. She is watching me to see if I am going to act like her father who found a new girlfriend and moved out of state when her mother divorced him or if I am going to be different. I think she is seeking the stability from me that her father could never give her.
I just joined another page where they are all standers. I think it's a better place for me to be where I can get the support and motivation that I need and where there won't be someone who constantly criticizes me. And now that I have been put on moderation I can't even participate in the debates. I am not sure if I will come back. Cld
