Confused on What to Do

[HaWho]

In my opinion, this is where you need to keep yourself squeaky clean.

She will not want to deal with her baggage so she will for sure project. She will go through your computers and personal stuff hoping she can find anything to deflect to you so she feels better about herself. (Clean up your personal papers, too.)

Before my h told me he wanted to sleep with other people he accused me of having an affair while I was out playing tennis. It was insane. I told him he could come 3 miles down the road and watch my playing on the court. It is written that they do think we are doing and thinking as they do. I have seem that countless times.

Also, if she can't find something, be prepared for her to start fights. That is what my h did after he couldn't find any dirt on me. With Job's help I realized he was trying to make himself feel better by getting me to get into the mud with him. If I became argumentive, well, then I was continuing to be the problem!

Keep yourself squeaky clean with a PMA and don't engage! In fact, try killing her with kindness and see what happens. That stopped all my h's argumentative antics, though it took time! He pushed every button. I think if you're squeaky clean, this forces them to have to deal with the fact that you are not the problem. (Though it'll take loads of time and they'll look for other band-aids.)

[CT1118]

I know she is scared and I won't be shocked if she stops her EA for a little while, but then starts back up.

I'm not trying to be a johnson, but I wouldn't hold my breath. She most likely has this dude in full control. Her hitting the pause button is a pause, not a stop. At this stage of the game, rule number 32 buddy.

I have my guard up, as far as I am concerned nothing has changed today on the way I'm going to live my life. I am going to work on detaching and if she really ends her EA and makes a genuine effort to try to work things out then I will listen, but I know that will take a lot of time. She would also have to come clean with everything that has went on. She would need to give me her passwords to her accounts and I would have to know she is seeking help and trying. We are a long way from that I think right now.

Started off great, much praise. But the what she would have to do stuff...you are a long way from that and if you are still in fight/accuse zone, speaking with her about your MR is not going to help either of you. Rule numbers 5 and 17.

Also, I have thought about a job.

Awesome, this could be your best GAL yet!

This weekend I am going to continue to detach for me. If she wants to talk I will, but she has to be the one to initiate it.

That's the right attitude man. The weekend has come and gone though, so how did it pan out? Re-read the 37 rules on the Newcomer forum. Those items still apply, especially for how we conduct ourselves in the face the aggression. Hope you are well, all MLC soup du jour aside.

[Eagle11]

Update:

This weekend was a good one for me. I got out and did some things and just tried to enjoy the long weekend. Also, spent some time with the boys and took them out for dinner on Saturday night. All was pretty good, with very little drama.

The W and I got along fine when we were around each other. We actually had 2 talks this weekend. On Friday she got emotional talking about her stepdad that had died of ALS years ago. She was crying worse than I have ever seen her. She told me she is not going to go back to therapist she had been going to and would find a new one. I worry that she will just give up on therapy all together because she is not getting the results she wants. She is so impatient and thinks everything should be fixed right away. I think she has only gone to 4 or 5 therapist sessions.

We had another talk on Sunday night. This one was less emotional but still good. She is trying to figure things out as I am. She has not been angry towards me and in fact has done a 180 and has been very nice. I did not bring up the OM to her but she brought him up to me and claims it was strictly texting and nothing physical. She also claims most of the texts were about work, which I know is a lie but I did not say anything to her. She also told me that men flirt with her all the time (she is an attractive female in a male dominated industry). She said most don't know she is married and she does flirt back many times because it makes her feel good. She almost has a bipolar or different personality every day. I have no idea how she is going to be until I actually see her, she is very unpredictable.

Whenever we do talk I know to not believe anything she says. If I hadn't been on this site I would actually be believing that there was really hope for us right now, but I know that is a long way off. I know she could just be manipulating me right now to get her way so I will be careful. It will be easier now that she goes back to work tomorrow, she will be around a couple of hours tomorrow night and I don't have to be around her.

[CT1118]

This weekend was a good one for me. {/quote]

Awesome. I was wondering what you would come back with. Makes me happy for you.

[quote=Eagle11]
She is so impatient and thinks everything should be fixed right away.

Pretty normal. I have had the exact same experience with my W. When reading about this behavior in various places, I found that expectations on many things were/are set very high by an MLC M or F. Comes from thinking that they should be 'further' than they are right now and a close death often triggers and/or contributes. Now that is what I've read, perhaps someone here who has been MLC could elaborate better than I.

She is trying to figure things out as I am. She has not been angry towards me and in fact has done a 180 and has been very nice. I did not bring up the OM to her but she brought him up to me and claims it was strictly texting and nothing physical. She also claims most of the texts were about work, which I know is a lie but I did not say anything to her. She also told me that men flirt with her all the time (she is an attractive female in a male dominated industry). She said most don't know she is married and she does flirt back many times because it makes her feel good. She almost has a bipolar or different personality every day. I have no idea how she is going to be until I actually see her, she is very unpredictable.

I am also married to a very attractive female who is highly successful in corporate America. She had an very, very similar conversation with me as to what you stated above. Why do men not know she is M? Because she doesn't tell them she is - or - because she tells them she is and then tells them about the problems (which will be exaggerated) and that is an open back door for dudes of low quality.

Whenever we do talk I know to not believe anything she says.

Nice update man. Pulling for you. Really happy about the good weekend correlation with the sons. I know you take care of them, I wonder if this experience put what they do for you into a whole new light, or did you already get that? For me, I didn't get what he did for me until all of this - one of my biggest gifts, my son is a true champion for me.

[Eagle11]

CT118, thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate the support.

Pretty normal. I have had the exact same experience with my W. When reading about this behavior in various places, I found that expectations on many things were/are set very high by an MLC M or F. Comes from thinking that they should be 'further' than they are right now and a close death often triggers and/or contributes. Now that is what I've read, perhaps someone here who has been MLC could elaborate better than I.

My W has always been in impatient and impulsive woman. That's just the way she is and has always been. She will be the first to admit it. I know she says this is the biggest complaint she gets at work is her impatience. Unfortunately, this impatience makes the sitch we are in so much worse. She wants results now in both her mental issues and with our marriage. I think that is one of the reasons she wanted a divorce right away. Nothing was getting fixed and she thinks that by ending our M then everything will be better. I've talked to her and I really feel she is willing to at least wait a while before moving forward. I know she is torn on what to do now. It sort of changes day to day. Sometimes she will ask me questions that make me believe she is thinking about trying to work things out, but then the next day she is back to just ending everything. The crazy thing is that nothing has changed between those days, she just goes back and forth all the time.

I am also married to a very attractive female who is highly successful in corporate America. She had an very, very similar conversation with me as to what you stated above. Why do men not know she is M? Because she doesn't tell them she is - or - because she tells them she is and then tells them about the problems (which will be exaggerated) and that is an open back door for dudes of low quality.

Well, I maybe a little responsible with men flirting with her. I have mentioned in the past posts that she had an EA that turned into a kiss back in 2009. In I believe 2011 she was on a work trip with 3 others and lost her wedding ring at a restaurant. This made no sense to me but apparently she would take off her ring and play with it (spin in on the table like you would a quarter). I guess she forgot about it and they left the restaurant. When she realized she lost it she went back to search but they never found it. She told me this story and I didn't believe her, especially after what had happened a couple of years earlier. I did not tell her I didn't believe her and we never talked about it, but I never bought her a replacement and over time it was kind of forgotten. She brought it up the other night that she couldn't believe I wouldn't buy her a new ring and I finally told her that I didn't think she was truthful with her story about how it was lost. She assured me it was true and invited me to call the people she was with on the trip who helped her look. I told her she probably was telling the truth but from my perspective it all didn't add up at the time.

Anyway, she doesn't wear a wedding ring so guys think she is single. She told me she used to them when they would flirt with her but now she often doesn't and flirts back. She told me she gets asked out all the time but she has never gone out with any of them.

Nice update man. Pulling for you. Really happy about the good weekend correlation with the sons. I know you take care of them, I wonder if this experience put what they do for you into a whole new light, or did you already get that? For me, I didn't get what he did for me until all of this - one of my biggest gifts, my son is a true champion for me.

I will say this experience has definitely made me appreciate my boys more. I have always been close to both of them but now I've realized they are the most important things in my life. I have definitely gotten closer with my S6, who has always been a mommy's boy, but I find myself relating to him more and more. I don't know where I would be without them. I actually think they keep me from getting depressed because I know I have to be for them.

Since I confronted my W last week she has actually changed towards our kids and actually spent time with them over the weekend. She took them to a zoo with a friend of hers on Sunday and was involved in their lives. She also texted me last Friday to let me know what time she would be home without me asking her too. I am not saying she is not up to something but I hope this means she is giving more effort and at least trying to be a better mom.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I will say this experience has definitely made me appreciate my boys more. I have always been close to both of them but now I've realized they are the most important things in my life. I have definitely gotten closer with my S6, who has always been a mommy's boy, but I find myself relating to him more and more. I don't know where I would be without them. I actually think they keep me from getting depressed because I know I have to be for them.

This was one of the many things I was grateful for. I believe I became a better father for this, realizing that spending time with my boys was far more important than many of the distractions adulthood offers.

I would get them out of school a little early every now and then after already packing a dinner of sandwiches snacks and bottled water and we would hike up a mountain and eat dinner at the top.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

How are you doing Eagle?

[Eagle11]

How are you doing Eagle?

Hanging in there right now. I've been really busy this morning/afternoon so that has helped. Was feeling a little down last night and earlier today. I was getting depressed thinking about how long this process could take and if I could even do it. Then of course I started thinking of how long this could take and it could be all for nothing as far as my marriage. Then I started to think that if we don't get back together I am still going to have to see her nearly every week because of the children.

I know I need to work on myself, but it does make it hard when the W is at home in the evening and the morning. When I saw her this morning she was looking really attractive. I have noticed she is wearing sexier clothes to work than what she used to and she is doing her hair and makeup differently. I guess it got me down because I started thinking she was doing this for the attention of other men.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I was getting depressed thinking about how long this process could take and if I could even do it. Then of course I started thinking of how long this could take and it could be all for nothing as far as my marriage.

One
Day
At
A
Time

I have noticed she is wearing sexier clothes to work than what she used to and she is doing her hair and makeup differently.

Hard when that happens, hard not to notice things like this. Nothing is preventing you from making some style changes as well. Maybe a wardrobe update...yeah yeah money...Thrift stores my man, they aren't for bums anymore. Hows the working out sit-ups push-ups, the stuff you don't need a gym for going?

I guess it got me down because I started thinking she was doing this for the attention of other men.

maybe, maybe its other women...that's sort of hot.
All kidding aside.

Dressing up is part of the MLC for many, changes to style are another part of it. From your own point of view don't you feel better about yourself even a little bit when you dress up and know you look good?

Then I started to think that if we don't get back together...

I have an exercise for you when you feel this way. You can do this as many times as needed and it works.


Do you have a newspaper?

Go get it.

Roll it up into a tight roll.

Close your eyes.

Hit yourself on the nose with the newspaper.

This is called negative reinforcement.

Stop focusing on that negative goal.

You can thank me later.

[Eagle11]

Jack_Three_Beans,

Thanks for the advice, I needed that! I had about 5 good days in a row where I didn't really think about this stuff much until last night and this morning, so I guess that is progress.