Not so lost now take 2

[Pax_luv]

Hi Rouky,
I empathize with you and where you are at. As long as YOU know that what YOU need to completely move forward is D, then by all means do it. It's the Rouky show now, right!? We've all said it before and I think it's worth repeating here, but given the opportunity would you choose to love him again? I know you still do have feelings there, but would you and could you? While leaving behind all the hurt and resentment?
I go through this myself and while I completely understand that the MLCer is in turmoil, they are still human and sometimes need to be accountable for their actions. Not punishing of course, but really recognizing that it's time to let you go and if he won't file... Then it's time to set yourself free.

[Rouky]

Thank you Sotto and Esame, the more I interact with H the more I realise that probably H isn't in MLC but it's an exit affair as he didn't want to look bad by leaving his family ( just a reminder that he left his 1st partner and his 4 years old child). I'm wondering which one is the worse looking bad for leaving again or leaving because of betrayal. Anyway it doesn't matter now, what has been done is done, I just need to move forward.

I'm also doing a bit of clearance amongst friends, i might sound harsh but I have a couple of friends who really helped me (they got cheated on too!), but now each time we are in touch texts or meeting up we end up talking about our H, and not in a positive way. I always feel drained, down and angry. Unfortunately I don't want this in my life as I have realised that I have been a very pessimistic person for maybe 25 years of my life, and it's toxic. This has contributed to the end of my marriage and if I don't address this issue, I will find myself in the same situation I am now in 20 years! I don't want this. So I'm taking a step back with those people. I do feel bad for doing it, although it hurts me and now I need to nurture myself.

I have also noticed that when I don't see H when he is supposed to see the kids (like today a no show), I don't think so much about it. When I know I'm going to see him for kids' handover, I'm winding up myself and that is not good! I need to learn how to let go and this is the hardest thing to do. I will eventually get there at my own pace.

[Mia2003]

Rouky you sound low. I read somewhere that exit affairs and Mlc are different but to all intense and purposes an affair is an affair. Your husband chose to deal with his issues by cheating on you and your children....it is wrong. He has to live with his guilt.....not you.

With regards to the kids he sounds lime my h....thinking he has some sense of entitlement...he doesn't. He walked away, he chose to Disney dad and with that he lost certain privileges of being a proper father....chin up

[peacetoday]

R

Hi
I hear what your saying about the friendships that seem to be draining and the conversation goes negative..
I agree and although its hard to let go of people, Ive always noticed that as I evolve, my friendships seem to as well
Ive also noticed that even though a friendship seems like a good fit for a long time, suddenly- it starts feeling weird..I have that going on right now with a long time friend- we don't seem to connect anymore and Its hard to understand--
I guess we have to trust our gut and if we keep getting the same messages about a certain situation, we can take action
I don't believe in totally ending friendships, but maybe just keeping the door always open and moving on in another direction..less time spent with the old friend--much of the time it is mutual as they sense it too

Its hard to know if our H are in MLC or just unhappy..either way its probably unhappy with themselves, not that we didn't contribute to the demise of the M..But I think the success rate of 2nd M is less that the first and affairs even less

Take care and enjoy the long weekend!

[Rouky]

Another interesting day. Now I'm dreading meet up with H, I can't do it anymore. I had a couple of asthma attacks last night. Today got back from work and my dog was having a fit. I panicked, took him to the vet, let H know about it and he agressively accused me of wanting to put down an healthy dog. Since I have moved house he has been having regular fits, and I can't take him for walks anymore as he collapses on the pavement. I did mention to H that we need to consider this option about a week ago.

I don't want to put my dog down but it's really hard to deal with the dog (when he is I well as I give him all my attention), and my kids at the same time. H made me feel like a piece of cheese in front of my kids because I was crying and according to him I was over reacting! He said that I always see the negative side of things. I'm trying to change but I'm exhausted with this whole situation. One day I want to save my M, one day I don't!
Seeing H so regularly is slowly killing me. There is no other alternative as his family leaves on the other side of town and dropping the kids to them won't be fair. I don't know what to do. I want closure one way or the other.

H said if vet finds that the dog is fine he will have him full time. I don't want my dog to play happy family with her and her kids! The dog is sleeping with my every night and he is my companion, but I have to realise that it's too much hard work for me now that he is unwell.

[123Gwen]

I am sorry about your dog. Pets are a member of the family.

Asthma attacks are very serious. It is understandable that you are exhausted and not feeling up to par with all the decision making.

Rouky - This is tough and you have friends here. You'll work through things. You don't have to figure it all out today. Children don't expect us to be perfect. Let them know you were really feeling unwell and that when people are recovering from things like an asthma attack they are often times emotional. It is honest and we all cry. It is good for them to understand that we all have rough days.

As for drop off and pick up can you meet somewhere neutral? If you do a quick exchange in neutral space (like the grocery store lot) then you can keep it short and civil. Is it ideal? Maybe not but it is easier on you and the kids and it keeps the focus on the business of life rather than this rollercoaster.

Hang in there. Allow yourself time to rest and renew before admonishing yourself - you are just doing the best you can.

[twinmom]

What about hiring a high school kid to babysit for 45min or so to do exchanges. That way you get some calm time, don't have to see H and can focus on you.

[Rouky]

Didn't think that life could have throw some much cheese at me. In the last 18 months I had to face infidelity, the break up of my marriage, sell of my house, my mum's cancer surgery, my dad's heart surgery, nearly homeless (thanks to the bank which couldn't do its job properly), and while I was on the mend my beloved dog health deteriorated within 2 days so much that he had to be put to sleep.

On top of that had to deal with H who was accusing me of wanting to kill our dog. Had to have the vet to ring him to tell him that it was the best option. We sent our dog to heaven today and took the girls to say their final goodbyes. H shouted at eldest why are you crying for? H broke down in tears when dog went to sleep. I hold H in my arms like I would have done with a friend. I asked himself if he was ok. H stayed in my arms for a couple of minutes, then left without even asking if I was ok and let me deal with the payment as he asked how much would it cost to
have him cremated. I replied to him that it wasn't about the money now!
Honestly that guy will never see to amaze me. He also turned up with the necklace his OW bought him ( but he wasn't wearing it when I saw him on a day ago). BTW the chain got broken by me in January!
Now I guess I need to carry on moving but I really can't see how life is going to get better.

[job]

Rouky,

I am so sorry about your dog. Pets are like family and I'm sure all of you were upset about having to send him over the Rainbow Bridge. He was there when all of this mess hit and I'm sure he loved all of you unconditionally, just as you loved him.

You've had a lot of stress over the last 18 months and it appears that when it rained, it poured. I do hope that things will now settle down a bit for you.

Breathe! Don't forget to stop along the way and smell the beautiful flowers that are still blooming out there.

My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family.

[Pax_luv]

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult decision you had to make about your dog. They truly are unconditional companions who strive to make their owners happy. I'm so sorry that you and your family have to endure that loss amongst all the other hardships you've had to face.

I pray that things settle for you and you get some peace soon, Rouky. You've certainly endured a lot. I'll be thinking of you.