Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[job]

CT,

Some kids act out like this when mommy or daddy drop them off at day care. One of the best ways to escape w/o him getting upset is to take him in and have him focus on something, like a toy, another child, etc. and then slowly slip away and don't announce that you are leaving. In my nephew's case, that is what his parents did. He also had this attachment to a baby blanket for many years. When my nephew started school, he wouldn't take the blanket w/him, but minute he came home, that blanket was "attached" to him. My mother slowly snipped away at the blanket until two threads were left and one day, they disappeared and he never acted out because he couldn't have his blanket. You have to handle this very gently and slowly. It may not because of the crisis, but maybe something was said to him that made him scared to go to daycare. Maybe someone is being a bully or maybe the daycare provider has teased him, but you have to work w/him and keep his focus on something in the room and slowly, slowly back out of the room and go to work. Hopefully, he will outgrow this.

Also, I want to mention that some kids go through a period crying jags. Their feelings get hurt really easily. I can't remember at what age, but I want to say around 6 or 7. It's all part of their growing up.

I do hope that you can figure out how to get to the bottom of this attachment issue, but it is very normal for some to do this.

[Surfer]

CT

A few points.

1. Try to stop over thinking your W. It's futile right now. She can not be fathomed

2. You S, is just looking for love, stability, reassurance. Don't worry about this. He will stabilise with your kind loving attention as a great Dad. My kids did the same. Jobs advice is great.

3. Be the rock of stability, as the head of your family.

4. Just be you mate. You are doing great!

All the best.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Oh, forgot a point. Your W's sickness is probably due to a poor immune system due to stress, nothing more, nothing less. I don't know but that is what my WW went through. Does she look exhausted, tired around the eyes and lethargic?

Could be the same. It's her journey. Don't think too much about it, or feel sorry for her, just observe her.

Surfer.

[Wonka]

CT,

Reading the 5LL book isn't like reading War and Peace, I promise. I think it's only around 70-75 pages long. It will be so worth it for things will start to fall in place after you've read it.

[CT1118]

thanks to everyone for the posts today and for the posts this past week, even the hard ones.

job - I was able to find those post buttons on my laptop version of the site. ipad runs most sites in the mobile format, which may explain why I did not see it there.

surfer - on my 6 buddy.

And for you Wonka...I can only smile while SMH. Patience and persistence; I found a free copy on the net. Chapter 1 down, will do the rest in between school work.

[CT1118]

eric - I just found the Codependent No More online too - partial though, 1st three chapters. That will get me started, I am going to put a request in to the library tomorrow for whole thing.

Thanks all.

[Mach1]

If I were to ask you what it meant to be controlling, what would you say ?



Do you often feel Misunderstood ...?


Would you say that , your reply to me was what a typical discussion with your spouse was ??

Listen Mach1, and with all due respect, to you claiming I avoided something twice - since coming to DB community I have openly admitted to my wife actively sleeping with another man, that I am recovering from drug addiction, that I ignored my son, that I was molested, that my mother beat me, that I spied on my wife, that I was a criminal in my teenager years, that I struggle with violence, that I cheated on women, and every other self-deprecating item allowable to my life. Further, I have done my best to be here daily and offer support to others while seeking support on my own, my fight for self thread on newcomers is dominated by posting information dedicated primarily to helping people understand why the hell of infidelity exists. I assure you, I cannot illustrate an honesty any deeper than I have already done and I am not avoiding anything on purpose. Illustrations of action are desired here, I would suggest my actions support my claim.

I want to help you help me, but please be clear and remember sometimes people just don't understand the question or the communication approach. I also want to help those of you who help us. I have been a manager of other people for 12 years. One of the best things I proactively state is that "if you have a problem with understanding me and you do not share that problem with me, what opportunity have you given me to help either of us?" Those of you helping me are not mind readers, and I have now given you an opportunity.

It wasn't suggested, it happened.

First by Sandi in your third thread ???

The second one was on RSG's thread. I can get that one if you want it too...

And my point here isn't to bash you about it either.

My point is, that you appear to gloss over a lot of stuff quickly, just so you can get to the point where you are "right"...

The interpretation is the responsibility of the reader, not the writer....

There's a guy MHL who I think was also named Missherlove at some point? Anyway he made some really great reference points in his story to accompany what all of you has said about time and what it does. There was another one (I clicked off it and now trying to find it again)by a guy named Fisherman or Fishing-something?

What do you want to know ???

[ericmsant2]

eric - I just found the Codependent No More online too - partial though, 1st three chapters. That will get me started, I am going to put a request in to the library tomorrow for whole thing.

Perfect.

One quick question if I may….what nationality are you? Just wondering. I am Puerto Rican myself.

As for MHL, he is an amazing dude….now answer Mach’s questions.

[CT1118]

If I were to ask you what it meant to be controlling, what would you say ?

Dominance of one over another. Not necessarily using the physical; could be opinions, power, money, belittling comments, criticism, guilt. To be controlling means to assert the needs of one party before the needs of another in a way which is not mutually beneficial or seeking input.

So if you were to ask me the above question, that is how I would answer. If you were to ask was I controlling in my M?, I would answer yes. I would tell you that I did not realize it at the time. I would tell you that it was never aggressive in a yelling or physical sense. I would tell you that it was almost exclusively over money, and I would tell you that I would try to get her to look at the budget with me to understand how little we had. Then I would tell that I was wrong, not particularly in my belief for why I felt the way I felt, but for my approach to the problem and my disregard for trying to find a different approach for communicating my feelings. I would tell you that there may have been other areas I am unaware of or have yet to ascertain where/when I was controlling. I would tell you this is a topic I routinely explore with my IC, not control, but where it comes from in my character and training. But I would only tell you this were you to ask.

Do you often feel Misunderstood ...?

No, I do not. However, if I had to guess, you deduced rather quickly that when I do feel misunderstood it frustrates me. My "go to" is to get tough on others because I am tough on myself. I am aware of this and working on it. Have not stopped it every time, but improving.

Would you say that , your reply to me was what a typical discussion with your spouse was ??

No, not at all. Not only not typical, but not common or even frequent. If you were to ask if my reply to you was what a typical argument situation looked like between my spouse and I I would have answered "yes, without question". Then I might add that again, after 6 months of IC with this trait self-identified on the first day, I am working on tools to combat and change this response from within. I actually spoke with my IC on Monday (yes, she works on Labor Day apparently) about our exchange Mach1. Did not get into detail, but generalized. Told her I had let myself down, not that my feelings were invalid, but in the way I chose to express them. Figured the opportunity to tell you that would create itself at some point, and thus...so it has.

It wasn't suggested, it happened.

First by Sandi in your third thread ???

The second one was on RSG's thread. I can get that one if you want it too...

And my point here isn't to bash you about it either.

My point is, that you appear to gloss over a lot of stuff quickly, just so you can get to the point where you are "right"...

I am sorry you have that take on me, I wish our relationship would have begun differently. I have no misunderstandings about why you would think that way. I do stand by what I told you, that I simply overlooked the questions. Sandi's questions to me were on my first day here on the board and were perhaps my 3rd or 4th reply from someone as I recall. I remember not even realizing what she was referring to at the time she called me out. Like so many others, not knowing the rules, I beat into new threads ignorantly and lost track of the left behind. Do my best to tell other newbies when they first arrive, if I catch them in time, proof of this is out there. As for the RSG post, I did go back and answer your questions over the long weekend as I promised. It was simply an oversight. Thank you though, I do believe you when you say it was not intended as a slight.

The interpretation is the responsibility of the reader, not the writer....

Personal opinion, its on both.

There's a guy MHL who I think was also named Missherlove at some point? Anyway he made some really great reference points in his story to accompany what all of you has said about time and what it does. There was another one (I clicked off it and now trying to find it again)by a guy named Fisherman or Fishing-something?

What do you want to know ???

The question marks were rhetorical in the statement, so there was no true question. Just to shorten "I just read these really honest stories and hope I am not insulting as I am not remembering their names right". And I am learning from those old threads, but the ones before the 100 comment cap are very challenging to navigate in chronological order.
[/quote]

Fresh start [hand extended].

[Jack_Three_Beans]

CT118

Mach just wants you to reach deep for your answers making sure they are genuine.

We tend to be pretty perceptive about weak points in others around here.

He honestly ins't trying to goad you or pee on you...seriously I'm going to use the g-rated words and it looks STUPID!

I trust Mach enough to sort of think he might be onto something , just not sure what yet.

Give him a chance.

Hoping you have a great rest of the day.