I totally understand the dream feeling. It has all felt like a dream, that I have had to keep reminding myself that this is my life now. We really are/were soul mates, and this behavior is so out of left field. I'm glad he was able to get back in touch with himself enough to open up again and remember our love.
This probably sounds crazy, but I am a religious person and I really do believe that in his depression, he was more vulnerable to evil and hatred. He was drawn in by the darkness and couldn't even see the light.
I'm by no means out of the woods... Because he still has a separate apartment! This could all come crashing down in a matter of seconds. But for now, I'm holding on.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
All the best to you both for even better things to come. Happy to see progress and good news on this forum.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Oh for goodness sake. I knew it was too good to be true!
Last night, he was huffing and puffing around the house, clearly out of sorts and annoyed. But of course when I asked him what was wrong he just said "nothing, I'm fine."
At bedtime, he said he felt very small and like everyone was against him, judging him. He said he felt like pretty much everyone in his life - his own parents, siblings, extended family, our neighbors, etc. think he's making a mistake and he's tired of feeling judged. Acknowledged that this isn't my fault, but did say that he can't help but feel resentful that everyone seems to be on my "side."
It wasn't an angry talk - we held hands as we were talking. He slept in the master bedroom again after the talk. But he's not coming to therapy with me today.
I don't know what this is - a setback? Nothing? All I know is that he needs to make a decision. He can't just stay here and neither work on reconciliation or work towards leaving. We've been doing that since the end of June. It is time to make a decision.
AAARRRGGGHHH!! So frustrated.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
At bedtime, he said he felt very small and like everyone was against him, judging him. He said he felt like pretty much everyone in his life - his own parents, siblings, extended family, our neighbors, etc. think he's making a mistake and he's tired of feeling judged. Acknowledged that this isn't my fault, but did say that he can't help but feel resentful that everyone seems to be on my "side."
Mombear,
Have you tried yelling at him and hitting him with a baseball bat?
Is there some particular reason he needs to make a decision now?
I hate limbo, so I can understand wanting to get out of it, but I think sometimes spouses who are struggling have the mental strength to not leave, but don't have the mental strength to actively recommit to working on the M. Especially in the absence of affairs or abuse, I don't know if pushing for an answer is in the best interest of preserving a marriage.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I really want to just shake him and say "That is because everyone in your life thinks you are making a mistake and acting like a total idiot!" And that he DESERVES to be judged, and that he SHOULD feel small for what he is doing.
But I didn't. I just listened, validated how he was feeling, and tried to equate it to an intervention - explained that those people all love him and want what is best for him and will love him no matter what.
As to the other question - the reason I feel like he needs to make a decision sooner than later is because we have young kids, and the 9 year old knows something is up. He's saying things like "I'm so glad daddy is sleeping in your bed again!" I don't think it is healthy for them to witness this.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
I really want to just shake him and say "That is because everyone in your life thinks you are making a mistake and acting like a total idiot!" And that he DESERVES to be judged, and that he SHOULD feel small for what he is doing.
This is natural. And oh boy do they deserve it. Good job letting it go through you.
It's always tough knowing how they're harming their own children....
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
With my H, pushing him to make a decision would have made him more likely to leave than to stay. I thought it was in the best interests of all of us to give him all the time he needed to decide to stay.
How have you framed this for your kids? I don't think it has to be unhealthy for them.
H and his siblings all bought the "Dad is sleeping in the basement because it's cooler and more comfortable" excuse and didn't realize until decades later that their parents' marriage had been hanging by a thread for years.
I do sympathize. I'm the sort that likes to know what is what and be able to plan. But I know in my case, I had to learn to let go of that in order to give the marriage the best chance.
Best of luck.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose, you are right. I know you are right. I'm just growing weary of this. I may just tell him from now on, I am happy to listen but I'm not really going to get drawn in to these discussions unless he's willing to go to therapy with me. I see our issues as requiring external intervention at this point. Is that harsh?
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
Rose, you are right. I know you are right. I'm just growing weary of this. I may just tell him from now on, I am happy to listen but I'm not really going to get drawn in to these discussions unless he's willing to go to therapy with me. I see our issues as requiring external intervention at this point. Is that harsh?
Mombear,
I completely agree with you that some sort of external intervention would be helpful, but if the WH doesn't want marriage counseling or individual counseling, then it's just not going to work.
I've been through the experience; I begged my wife to go to our third, and unfortunately final, MC session. It just made things worse - far worse.
