HalfTheMan & MLC-W

[Lifes Twists]

Speaking from my experience, you will get lots of advise. Some will say to give her what she wants. I don't recommend this. I say to fight to preserve what you have worked so hard to get. Preserve the home you have provided for your young sons. Some will tell you that to fight for this will be to further drive your wife away. I say she is already driven away from you. Standing up for yourself and your children is the only thing you can do at this point. I am not saying to be nasty to her, rather just strong and not bending on what is right for you and your boys. Fight to keep them in their school and familiar surroundings. If she chooses to move, that is her decision, but fight letting her move your sons as well.

There will be those who will tell you the system is rigged for the mother. I believe that is changing. I stood strong and had a good attorney who fought for me. I ended up with the house, the kids and no alimony. It took several years but was worth it. The interesting part was just 4 months after divorce was final she called me to talk. We are now slowly reconnecting and spending time together. I can't guarantee this will be the result for you, but at this point what do you have to loose.

[Huddy]

One thing that worked for me was to say to my W, in a calm voice that 'if she moved my children away from me, I'd never forgive her'. She didn't move, despite what my SIL wanted to do. You've got to have your b@lls in your hand before you contemplate saying things though, and you have to sound like you mean it, but not in a nasty way. Just another tuppence in the pie!

[HTM]

At this stage don't think I would mind W moving away -would give me some space to gather myself- just as long as Ss are left with me for the school week. Over the last 7-8yrs I've been the one using work flexi-time to cover nearly all AM/PM school runs & after school activities. I've also done some of the running around at the weekends. Since BD in Jan, I've felt like a single parent stepping up with more of the household chores too. So W can move & get this new life she's angling for and I'll stay local to schools/family/etc; expect very little opposition to that.

In some respects my situation resembles that of the WW/Nice-Guy scenario, if not for the events leading up W's MLC. So taking my 'b@lls in my hand' and being more assertive about what I will or will not do/accept/etc. is a part of me that I'm working on. However, have to be careful as sometimes I come across as aggressive, to an extent this led me down the NMO path.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

being more assertive about what I will or will not do/accept/etc. is a part of me that I'm working on. However, have to be careful as sometimes I come across as aggressive, to an extent this led me down the NMO path.

That's a fine line you're going to walk doing that. Especially if any of that comes in the form of an ultimatum.

While I fully believe in the LBS standing up for themselves...in many ways. Any ultimatum you issue you will have to live with the consequences of it. And the results are usually not what you want them to be.

Be careful.

I'm going to suggest that you read some of the threads that Cadet provided above BEFORE you go down that road.

[HTM]

JTB, duly noted.

Even though I've been careful not to lay down any ultimatums since BD, W has still translated/interpreted some of what I've said as a demand judging by the spew thrown back at me so recognise I need to tread cautiously.

[HTM]

In a previous post, I mentioned being fairly confident that W had spent time w/ OM while I took Ss away on mini-vacation. I’m in a better place to deal with these covert manoeuvres now but one little thing bugged me about the last outing and it concerns a chemise/gown set I’d bought W some years ago. To my recollection she’s never worn it around me, maybe a poor style choice on my part Well, suddenly it appeared -probably used while W was away & not just for when she stayed over at SIL’s- got washed and then was put away rather quickly. I have a notion W will take & wear this next opportunity she gets to meet up w/ OM. Now what I would love to say is…


“I hope you’re not wearing that chemise & gown set I bought you years ago for OM!?” I would hope you’d show me & our marriage more respect than that.”

...feel this is one of those things I just vent here but should not utter to W ever.


Reflecting back to the separation discussion from a few days ago... W mentions she’s been thinking about what household items she wanted to take with her. Certain things have a connection to MIL and I completely understand, one request that threw me was for our crockery/dinner set!? All of this crockery was on our wedding list and bought by various/numerous people so I don’t see any sentimental connection to any one person, or is this W trying to incite a reaction from me?

[job]

HTM,

They don't necessarily take things that remind them of yesteryear. They take things that have some meaning to them. It could be the dishes, it could be a certain set of sheets, coffee cups, etc. The dishes are something she would need in her place, i.e., therefore, she wouldn't have to purchase any.

My xh took a dozen towels, washcloths, chicken in the freezer (that I had just purchased the day before myself), as well as carrots, a bag of potatoes, onions, 15 notepads, a bunch of pens and pencils and the list goes on. When he continued to say he needed some personal items from the home, I agreed to allow him one visit, since I ensured that he took all of his personal items. When he came, he was escorted by 2 deputies because he feared for his life...now he's a big man and I'm no where near as strong as he is, but I was lucky because I new the deputies. So, when I knew he was coming, I piled up in a guest bedroom everything that I could think of that he would want and the only things that he actually wanted was my set of keys to his Blazer, his baby photos and yes, 1 old plastic Easter Egg that was worth a couple of bucks that his mother gave to me. Yep, that's right. He made mention several times that he would have to go back to his place and come up w/another list of personal items and provide it to the lawyers...didn't happen because I had a copy of the report from the police and he got nothing more. Had I been him, I would have taken all of my tools and things such as that, but I have them and use them now. Oh, one more thing, he complained about missing mail...but what do you expect when you have 5 mailing addresses? The missing mail? It was the Pennysaver, i.e., junk mail.

To make a long story short, have your w make a list of what she wants and have it ready for when she comes over. Make sure to take photos of the items, as well as keep a copy of the list. At some point, you'll need to nip the "I would this or that" in the bud because they keep on taking if you allow it.

There was a poster here many years ago and when her husband left, it took the steps to the shed. Yes, that's right. Another poster's h took the little chair to her son's desk that only a a child could sit in. Yes, that's right.

So, you see, they all take things and what they take doesn't necessarily have to mean something to them. Whatever catches their eye at that moment is generally what they take. What they are doing isn't meant to incite a reaction out of you because in some cases it's a spur of the moment action. I suggest that if you have something that you value, that you tuck it away somewhere safe and out of sight until she's done her walk thru.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

“I hope you’re not wearing that chemise & gown set I bought you years ago for OM!?” I would hope you’d show me & our marriage more respect than that.”

...feel this is one of those things I just vent here but should not utter to W ever.

I'd agree best not to say that. Sort of what you really want to say, "Your lady parts I enjoyed so much, best not use those with the OM." Ultimately though...its anything to do with the OM. Hey that salt shaker we got in Mexico? He better not be using that on his eggs...that's just disrespectful.

If she is with the OM, she is with the OM and nothing you can say or do will change that.

Being blunt here a little.

Having an OM or OW is totally disrespectful fixating on an item of clothing or object...or....even kids which happens as a reason to flip your lid about the level of disrespect, is sort of like an excuse.

I could handle it, but then she wore that baseball cap I got here about 3 years ago to a baseball game with the OM and...that was the last straw.

See what I mean?

She is going to have an OM, she will have a PA, it is disrespectful. This is a symptom of the MLC. Her not wanting to be married is disrespectful.

Pretty much everything they do while in MLC is disrespectful.

If you want to be married to her, you will have to ignore these things, and work on figuring out if forgiveness of all these things is something you can achieve.

PS - HalftheMan?

I get it, its a bad place and your depressed. A lot of people pick sad sad names to reflect how they are feeling.

HTM...

I'm calling you Hero Time Man or Hero for short.

Be the person you WANT to be start now; Hero.

[HTM]

Thanks for the feedback Job.

Just to clarify, W is still in the house w/ me at present -I'm sure she thinks of it as an IHS, of course I see it very differently especially as were still sharing the same bed- so her visiting and taking things is yet to come. However, I expect household items she wants will be listed/discussed at the Mediators appointment later this month.

Still, think I get the gist of what you're saying, my MLCer W won't necessarily chose items to invoke a reaction from me but is more about what has significance to her or catches her eye at the time.

Incidentally while on the topic of splitting household items, W wants the small bedroom TV bought by MIL for both of us some Christmases ago, which has now turned into a gift bought solely for W; further evidence of how memories are re-written in the MLCer's mind!

[HTM]

No problem with you being blunt JTB, think I need a dose of that every once in a while.

The more I read & understand, the better I grasp that there is nothing I can do/say to get her to behave in a reasonable way or dissuade her from pursuing OM. In fact, any challenge on my part will only add to her resolve about being with him, considering my W was pretty obstinate pre-MLC surely that will be amplified to gargantuan proportions now!

Yes you're right on the money wrt the HalfTheMan name, it is a song reference as well as serving to capture the mood from BD to when I signed up to the forum. It has been noted already by RAI that I should be looking to update this or refine it. So although the acronym HTM will remain, I'll work on creating a more positive moniker to fit with where I'm heading