Maybell 40

[Maybell]

Tomorrow is my birthday and D14 asked if she could make the meal & dessert to celebrate. I said yes, and that I'd give her money to take to the grocery store to make the purchases since she insisted on the whole thing being a surprise. D14 is a great cook and a good shopper. She shops with me all the time and we often just split the list and get it done quicker. There's no reason she needs help, but she asked Mr. Fantastic to meet her at the grocery store this afternoon and help her.

I insisted that he not be involved. I don't want him anywhere near my birthday. I want nothing to do with him. I insisted on that with my D14.

How wrong was I?

[job]

Maybell,

I'm not walking in your shoes, but your D14 may have asked Mr. Fantastic to assist her in shopping for the items needed for your birthday meal. Unless I'm mistaken, I don't think she was planning to ask him to come or participate in the cooking/baking of dinner. She may now feel guilty for asking him to meet her at the grocery store.

I think I would have just let it go, unless she mentioned she had invited him to come over. If she had mentioned it, I would then have had to say that you prefer him not being there.

Please don't allow Mr. Fantastic to ruin your birthday or come between you and your daughter.

I do hope that you enjoy your special day and most importantly, enjoy that special meal your daughter is planning to prepare.

[Maybell]

I had already agreed to give her money. She didn't need him at all.

I spent last night looking at baby pictures with my boys and all the pictures of me were sad and fat. Like, VERY fat. I knew I'd gained a lot of weight but nothing like that. I've lost almost all of it, and as challenging as my life is, it isn't that hard to be reasonably fit. It reminded me of all the different ways he hurt me over the years. I can't remember one good thing about being married to him. I made purses out of pigs' ears for 15 years.

I guess I'm being sensitive today but I don't want him ANYWHERE near me. I don't want him doing nice things for me for any reason at all. He hasn't said Happy Birthday to me in 3 years, I don't want him contributing to my birthday and feeling like a hero for it.

[DonH]

I don't really have too much regarding your question. I mostly wanted to say happy birthday. Out of 365 days, you and my exW share the same bday. Wow

As yo D, you might have asked her why she wanted ex to help. That might have helped you decide how to best handle that.

[Dawn70]

Happy belated birthday, Maybell. Hope your day was good and you enjoyed yourself.

[RAI]

Hi Maybell,

I always twitch when my kids spend time with STBXW when they are supposed to be with me. I don't want them spending a minute more with her than they are legally obligated to. That said, in my case it is borne out of an insecurity that they like her more than me, and a fear that she will take them away from me. What is driving you?

I wish you a very happy (belated) birthday, and many more in good health.

RAI

[job]

Maybell,

Happy Belated Birthday! I do hope that everything turned out okay and you were able to enjoy your special day.

[Maybell]

Thanks, Job,

My birthday was OK. Not top ten but better than the last several and that's nothing to take for granted.

Things have not been 100% smooth sailing with My Guy. He's very attached to his ex-wife which gives me heartburn. I'm trying to take it for what it is, which is just a close friendship (they've been divorced for 4? Years and he moved out six years ago) but I find it challenging. Not for any particular reason, and I wish I understood it better.

D14 has been doing MUCH better since she started therapy. S11 is having some growing pains but really taking effort with himself, which makes me proud. S9 is worrying me, more and more in the last couple of years than he ever did when he was small. I'm really aware of how much they've grown in the last couple of years, and that I only have a very small amount of time left with them. It makes me sad. We have few family evenings available with all their activities and the time they spend with their dad, so I miss them a lot of the time. When they are grown and moved away from me, what will I have to show for my life? Maybe My Guy & I will be a couple with a cool life. Maybe not. My job has hit a significant hitch (I'm not cut out for the sales gig as I perform it here) and the thought of finding yet another new role is unnerving. My boss here is excited to keep me on in some other capacity but it's still hard to see this girl, who had the 4.3 GPA and the 1360 SAT and the huge scholarship and all the other academic achievements I had WAY BACK, and realize this is what I've made of myself. Divorced mom who can't support herself if the alimony were to stop. Failing in another job. So depressing.

I was talking to a colleague with many more years than me in the business, and mentioned being Den Leader for my S9's Cub Scout den because nobody else would do it. He said "WTF are you doing leading a scout den when you're supposed to be working your a$$ off here? It doesn't matter what your reasons are. You need to tell him, sorry honey, Mommy is trying to build a business to make all our lives better. If nobody else will step up then there won't be a den."

I feel like a chump but I just can't see sacrificing my family for this career where I'm not sure where the payoff is. I'm not selfish enough to do this job. I do have the LEAST support of anyone I know in this business and with or without Cub Scouts, that would be a huge challenge. But I'm just not willing to sacrifice my kids that way. I fought for the settlement I got to make sure my kids would be OK. As I see it, getting a career rolling that would make me self-supporting is about ME, not about the kids (except that I won't be a burden to them when they're older) and so even if Cub Scouts were a dealbreaker, which it's not, I'd have a hard time giving that up on top of all the other stuff the kids and I have given up in our family life. Zues might disagree with me...

Although I'm totally strung out on adrenaline and cortisol, I'm good for the most part so I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer. I'm headed down to see my parents this weekend for the first time in a year. I hope it's better than the last couple of times I saw them. My Guy and I have a vacation planned in July that I'm really excited for. I hope he likes/loves me enough that he's looking forward to it as much as I am.

Reading this over I see it's not particularly positive. I don't know if it's the time of year (roughly 3 years since Mr. Fantastic moved out) or if it's me, or the job, or everything together, but I haven't felt like my usual self lately. I can't find my sense of lightness or my humor or my fun. I would love to sit down and have a nice big cry but I don't know what I'd be crying over -- I am so lucky to have a nice life. Still, it's there, and I hope I figure it out because this isn't helpful.

[Dawn70]

(((MB)))

Sometimes a good cry can be cathartic, even if you don't know exactly why you are crying. It might help. I think we sometimes get stuck in that rut of negativity thanks to the things going on in our circle and it can be hard to get out of the loop. Hang in there, lady. It will get better.

[JRuss]

Let yourself cry. There's no shame in it, and it doesn't need to be able to be reduced to reason or cause. Something wants to come out. Let it!

[Not weird at all that a birthday could trigger sadness -- taking stock is important, but we can also be our own worst enemies. Focus on the journey and how far you've come. And be kind to yourself!]