A WW? (4)

[mvgfwd2]

Wow. Pushing hard to get you out. You can bet she is doing that for a reason that is not in your best interest. She Lawyered up weeks ago, and I bet shortly after is when she started this talk about you moving out. Am I right?

Don't believe a single word in that text.

[rich4j]

Do NOT move out. She is bullying you and will put you in a spot you can't recover from. One of the biggest mistakes with this situation is that you move out which will then be changed into "abandonment"

I can tell you from direct experience that i had the WAW who had a secret PA and almost 9 months later still denies it and did text book what your wife is looking to do. "Get out", trying to leverage custody and the daughter talk track and we need space. Be strong, continue with your L and dont leave.

[lt0402]

Thanks all!

Sorry for the lack of response today. Busy day at work with me taking time out to drop off the retainer for the L.

I 100% will not be moving out and I appreciate your thoughts on this. I've told W I won't be leaving MY house and MY daughter and I absolutely mean this. (I'd WW can capitalize random words, so can I! )

GAL tonight with Ds friends dad who is getting S. He's out of house and in a hotel while waiting for his apartment lease to start. Nice guy but highly opinionated and not focused in the right direction. Tried to help point him the right way and offered him support and the opportunity to talk/get together whenever he needed. Played pool for a few hours. He drank a decent amount of beer and I drank coke. I'm rarely drinking now a days unless I know I won't be around W. Really don't miss it too much.

I did not tell him about my S. I still refuse to tell people until I've told my own D. But he tried to pry a little, so I'm guessing My W probably already told him. At this point maybe the world knows and I'm just being naive. I will not tell people until I've told D though.

Will respond to everyone tomorrow. Going to grab some sleep and try to recharge. Know that I appreciate all of you. You are helping me through some fairly serious mess and I'd be lost without each of you. I'm lucky to have found this place and all of you wonderful folks.

Thanks again and I'll post more tomorrow. MV, my number one task the next 2 days is to hammer together my plan and goals with the situation having changed.

[lt0402]

Sorry for the late responses. Been an ok day today but not a ton of time with D bc of her play date and sleepover.

JR, you are right. I'm realizing that my D is either not saying these things or D is telling my W what my W wants to hear. It really sunk in today when D was taking a break before her friend came over for a sleepover. W and D were on the couch and on iPad/iPhone beside each other. I came in and sat down on the other couch and D told W she wanted to sit beside me and got up and we snuggled and watched minecraft videos for 30 minutes. I don't think a D who wanted me gone would do that and we do that all the time. W just sat there and stared into space. I do wonder if Ws world is being shaken post custody talk.

Sandi, you are right. W does seem to be leveraging my feelings about D to push her own agenda. I bought it hook line and sinker before but not anymore. I spoke with my DB coach earlier today and we discussed how best to engage D about how she is feeling. D and I are going poke hunting tomorrow morning and I'll have a conversation with her then to make sure she's ok.

I see what you're saying about my response to my W. I'm trying to be empathetic but it must not be coming off that way. Definitely don't want to portray myself as guilty to my WW.

With that said, I'm realizing it's not me. It's taken awhile but I am starting to see that no matter what I do my W seems mad. I'm starting to see that she's conflicted herself and nothing I do can fix that for her. Per AndrewPs suggestion, I've started trying to view her with compassion instead of anger. It's helped immensely to get through things. I see my IC on Tuesday and want to get his take on MC with the latest goings on. I'm also thinking that my W won't put any effort in and it'll just be a venting session for her. The MC is recommended by my IC bc she is direct, firm, and can see through bs. If that's true, my W may not be able to use the MC sessions that way. We will see. W still has plenty of resentment towards me, though it's toned down from 3 months ago and I don't get the outright physical disrespect. I can still sense it's there though.

I know she's still wayward, in her mind at least. Just her comments around the OM the other day highlight that. She says I'm not talking to him right now and I won't go to his house while we are married. Oh, gee, thanks for that. So she's at "best" holding off on visiting OM and at worst she's gotten a lot better at hiding things. I was shocked to hear W say we are still married, i think that's part of her current psychological warfare campaign.

Coconut, yes, she had her L working on a S agreement. I think there's a good chance her L has told her that it's much easier to get more favorable custody if she can get me to leave. I definitely think W is trying to manipulate me and is using my D and the MC to do it. Carrot and a stick.

MV, thank you for the reminder. I'm keeping a log of my time with D. I'll start keeping one of when W tries to bait me into fights too. My W seems to be scheduling Ds time so she's away from both W and I. I find myself wondering if W is doing this towards some other purpose, but I can't deduce what it may be. I'm very cognizant of saying bad things to W in general. I'm letting all the spew come from her. I'm realizing that I'm a stronger person than W and I don't need to say those types of things.

Fade, unfortunately I'm running with the assumption everything she tells me is a lie or a manipulation. IC says not to do this but I don't see any way to protect myself and my D without assuming this. That said, after I view it through that lense I try to see analyze and see if it may not be, but I never really know.

Good advice on the "I'm sorry you feel that way". I'm adding that to my response list. I've no doubt I'll catch her spew before the weekend is over and will need to leverage that. I've retained my L now and will discuss a S agreement with them Monday. W has had hers awhile and may be close to finishing a S agreement (my fault for delaying retaining L) but even if she is I'll have my L write one up. I'm done playing defense. I won't proactively push our D forward, but I believe I can still take the initiative in this type of stuff.

I won't bargain away money or custody to get her back. If we get that far (which it appears we will) I'm under no impression those things will sway her favor. I'll be fair but firm with her. Consistent with my character and integrity.

Cadet, I agree. That thought was what made me so hesitant to accept doing MC with her, as I worried it was solely bc of her fears around losing custody of D. I don't want to be married to someone who is not with me bc of me. No thank you. I continue to focus on controlling my reactions and behavior and knowing I can't control those of my W. Frustrating at times, but reality. Have to accept that.

AP, I tried finding an app for that but couldn't. Am going to screenshot the messages and store them off my phone. Another great idea and much appreciated. Hoping the tornado doesn't rip my trailer off its cinder blocks.

Cheesyt, thank you. I am realizing I'm not the monster dad that W is saying I am. A month ago, I'd of listened to her and worried immensely about it. Now, with yalls help, I think I'm seeing her comments for what they are. I love being with my D and I believe my D loves being with me. Every vibe I get from D seems to be positive. We've had fun all summer and at times my W tells me D and I are spending "too much" time together. Why would D want to spend so much time with me and then say she wants me to move out? I'm afraid you're right on this thing just getting started. A lot more drama to be played out. I do find myself becoming stronger as this thing grinds on though. I think that strength is coming from seeing W for what she is, combined with me working to improve myself.

Sandi, yes, she is attacking my soft spots. She seems to be very good at identifying them and leveraging them against me. I will continue to strengthen my R with D so that her accusations will be so absurd they'll be laughable.

MV, she lawyered up around July 28th. The talk of me leaving began in earnest maybe 1.5 weeks ago. It's picked up steam and guilt since I told her I would settle for no less than 50% custody and if W wanted to leave the marital home I'd be more than happy to take care of D. W has taken the tact now of negotiation combined with manipulation I think. Unsure if she's being coached by L but I think it's a distinct possibility.

Rich, I'm going back through your story now. I went through a chunk of it when I first got here, but want to revisit it. Definitely not leaving my home or my D. No one will ever be able to accuse me of abandonment of my D or my M. That's not me.

Going to journal in another post as this is a long one. Thank you to everyone for being my rock over the past couple days!

[lt0402]

Ok, now onto some journaling.

When I came home last night from my GAL, W and D were in mbr bed for their slumber party. I gave D a hug and kiss and told her goodnight. About 10 minutes later D asked W if she could sleep in her own room and so D went to her bed. After W went downstairs, I went to bed in my own bed.

Slept in this am instead of going to gym. Felt good to sleep. D woke up late and D and I did iPad in the bed before breakfast. W played on iPhone (noticed she has screen tilted away from us when typing something, don't really care at this point). Notice that W got a haircut and her hair is no longer below her shoulders, but is only to the top of her neck now. Looks really nice and it was the haircut she had when we started dating. Did not tell her that though.

Did breakfast. W and D went out to buy clothes for school and to go to build a bear for a Pokemon bear. I took the opportunity to talk to my DB coach and hit the gym. Was a good few hours.

D mentioned that W has told her she will get her a kitten around Christmas. This is a big deal bc D used to be allergic to pet dander, but has grown out of her cat allergy. I'm afraid this is W trying to bribe D to either get her to want to live with her or something else. Needless to say, W has had no conversation with me about getting a kitten. Tells me this is part of a plan she has that does not include me. Very wary of this.

I went out to pull weeds while D had her friend over. About an hour in, and jaunt as I was finishing, W comes out and tells me to stop. She tells me that me doing that is making her more angry and is not helping me or her then she walks away.

Backstory here is that I got fed up with W telling me I was doing the weeding and beds incorrectly and I let her take over about 1.5yrs ago (the wrong way to handle this I now realize). Well, I started doing this again in June and have done it every weekend since while she hasn't touched it. Today was the first day she's chosen to confront me on it. Needless to say, I finished what I needed to do and then went in and showered.

D and W were on the couch when I came down after my shower. Both on their iPad/iPhone. I sat down and D told W she wanted to sit with me. D comes over and we snuggle and watch minecraft videos until her sleepover friend shows up.

I go to the store bc I need groceries, then come back and make dinner. (Teriyaki salmon and rice, but on the outside grill this time!). D asks me to join hers and friends minecraft world for 5 minutes. W pulls me aside and says a 37yr old man doesn't need to be playing with D and her friend at a sleepover. I can maybe see this so I don't push back on her. D asks a few more times for me to join and I politely tell her she and friend should play and have fun. Still thinking about this one.

I went to do laundry and did not notice that Ds new school clothes were sitting in washer when I tossed mine in. W asked me not to do laundry this morning, but I'd assumed that by waiting until tonight would be ok. Turned on the laundry and then W makes a big deal about Ds stuff being in there. Somewhat my fault for not checking washer beforehand. I tell W and D I made a mistake and will check in the future. No apology p, but acknowledgement and ownership of a mistake.

Sitting here watching my college team tonight. Was planning on traveling to this game back in May, but cancelled those plans bc of all this. Wish I had not. My friends are there and it would really help to be out of here for a bit. Still hesitant to leave D for an extended period with W though.

We will see what tomorrow brings. No donuts!

[mvgfwd2]

Do you really think your W was concerned that you were too old to play minecraft with D9? Make some coffee, you need to wake up from dream land. Remember, believe nothing she says and only half what she does. She is working every angle to put a wrench in your R with D9.

What mistake with the laundry did you make? Did you turn it on with the wrong hand? Why bother even talking with your W about these petty jabs. Weeds, laundry, etc. just ignore her entirely. No mistake, no apology, no comment, just whatever and move on. It's just more bait for you to admit what a louse you are. Don't fall for it, stop playing her game.

[J5K]

lt,

I just scanned the last three pages to get somewhat up to speed on your sitch. Your W is using all the same tactics and excuses that mine is. Major cake eating and manipulation of your D9 to get her way. Stand your ground and protect yourself and your D9. Your W wants out of the M fine, but that does not mean that you should not have equal time with your D9. Tons of BS thrown your way and I understand it is a lot to process as I am further ahead in the D process in my sitch.

I will follow your sitch closer as I feel that in order for you to get the time you deserve with your D, you, W and D9 will most likely have to go through a psychological evaluation as my family has.

You have received a lot of good feedback from others on hear that have supported me also, please heed their advice.

[RSG]

Do you really think your W was concerned that you were too old to play minecraft with D9? Make some coffee, you need to wake up from dream land. Remember, believe nothing she says and only half what she does. She is working every angle to put a wrench in your R with D9.

What mistake with the laundry did you make? Did you turn it on with the wrong hand? Why bother even talking with your W about these petty jabs. Weeds, laundry, etc. just ignore her entirely. No mistake, no apology, no comment, just whatever and move on. It's just more bait for you to admit what a louse you are. Don't fall for it, stop playing her game.

Great advice here. It's hard to stay on top of it when she goes on and on and on daily. But, do your best to ignore. You didn't do anything wrong. Especially when it comes to playing minecraft. Hey, it might be creepy for a 37yr old man to play minecraft with kids....until you factor in he is the FATHER of one of them! That's just complete insanity. Keep playing with your child!!

[lt0402]

Quick journaling. Will respond a bit later.

Took D to the park for 2hrs of Pokemon. We ended up knee deep in the river trying to catch minnows most of the time and only did a little Pokemon. Had a blast!

Took the chance to ask D how things were going. I asked her if anything I was doing that was bothering her. She said no. I asked how I was doing with listening and keeping promises (my 2 biggest issues with D pre BD) and she told me I was doing awesome since BD. I apologized for those pre BD issues and told her if she ever had anything to tell me I would never be upset with her for telling me. I'd be happy that she wanted to tell me.

Then, I asked if there was anything I could be doing better and she said no, then thought about it and said maybe. She said I could do a better job of listening to mommy. D said when I don't listen to mommy, she yells. And when she yells at me, sometimes she yells at D too. D told me she doesn't like being yelled at.

Made me sad, but it's good she's comfortable enough to tell me that. I told D I'd work on listening, which I need to do anyway. I also asked D if she ever thought I was crowding her space. D said sometimes mommy and her feel like im following them around the house. Told D I'd work on that too and to please tell me if I'm doing it and I'll back off. I did tell her that if she wanted me around her to just ask too. She said ok and we kept playing.

Seemed honest from my D. Didn't tee it up by including W in the questions. Just want to get this down before I head to the gym. D headed to friends house and W going out to shop. Ds dinner with a friend cancelled for tonight so more time with her! No GAL today for me, schedule didn't work out.

[lt0402]

MV, W says I have been using too much detergent in the high efficiency washing machine and am causing the motor to die. I researched it, did the process it said to get it working again, and voila we are back to doing laundry.

I get what you are saying on the spew and driving a wedge bt D and I. Am going to ignore and address when necessary. I did make a mistake putting my laundry in with Ds and I owned it. But for the small crap she complains about ill neither apologize nor own it as its not my fault.

RSG, good point. D and her friends always ask me to hop on the iPad and play minecraft with them when they do their sleepovers. I try to limit the time so they have their own fun, but I won't let W cut it off completely. Will monitor and make sure there's some balance.

JK, yeah, it can be overwhelming at times. Always coming at me since we are in the same house. Heeding all advice here and I won't back down from my 50/50 split of D. I hope it doesn't come down to a psychological exam, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes. I will always stand for the best interests of my D.

Thanks guys!