I wish I had a pony...or could walk again. If wishes were horses; beggars would ride.
Amy,
How to control the thoughts in your head, do you know what GALing means?
Get A Life.
Do something fun, do something you like, do something that makes you grow.
We learn that its hard to control those thoughts so we put more and different thoughts in our heads to hopefully think about something else.
Quote:
I knew things were rocky the last year or so, but he blamed it on work and stuff .. but we used to be happy. Or am I crazy????
Well one of you is crazy. Is it you or the guy who suddenly says he was unhappy for 8.5 years and only just now said something about it?
Did Cadet give you a list of threads about MLC when you first got here? If he did...please read them it should give you alot of insight about the LBSer (you) and the MLCer (your husband)
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you Jack_Three_Beans! Yes they did and I will reread them. My brain is so foggy that I probably forgot a lot of it. I appreciate the truthfulness and I have got to get out this rut.
I worry that I will never be happy again or that I will never trust again -- I guess I need to stop worrying about these things and GAL.
That will be my goal and I will work on that. Thank you!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I worry that I will never be happy again or that I will never trust again -- I guess I need to stop worrying about these things and GAL.
Not completely familiar with your sitch but I am all to familiar with teh script MLCrs and the LBS versions.
This stuck out at me today while I am deciding what to do for lunch, I had these two very same thoughts for some time. I am about 3 years ... yes 3 years post BD and honestly I thought the trust thing would be the biggest hurdle, thing is If you do the work you realize you control the trust issue, and it really is that simple - you chose to trust or don't.
As far as the Happy thing ... same song and for me was the first verse. I found peace first ... happiness followed. Did I chose this ... no, it hurt me but did not break me, in fact I am much much stronger because of it all and for that I am grateful.
Happiness and Trust will come, but that's on you ... as are so many things we all must go through to get to the other side of this.
Once you read DB/DR, you'll find the answers to all your questions. Right now just concentrate on you and the kids with things you enjoy doing. it won't immediately change your mood, but over time it will.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
That's why I wished you joy and not happiness. Joy can come much sooner, while happiness waxes and wanes with the wind.
In my experience, if your goal AmyTx is to experience happiness, you'll tumble up, over.. and down like a puppy in the surf.
To Cali's point, you do the work, you will get there and when you look back, be glad you did.
What you describe is sadly, not as uncommon as we'd like to believe. Nor would we want to believe it can happen to us. I'd say this board is proof it does though. And also proof that if you do that work described in the various posts, you and will be joyful and able to trust another human being again. Perhaps even your H.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think part of the hardest thing I going through -- is I "thought" I was a good wife. I worked hard at my job, then came home and worked some more (I did everything at home since my husband had a long commute), devoted myself to my daughter and my husband. I did these things -- to keep him happy and to stay out of this situation I'm in right now. I was taught to be a 'good' person.
Was I happy always doing the things they wanted? No, but I felt I had the responsibility to my family to do it. All the while -- I lost myself and what my husband actually loved about me. That was something else he told me in another email.
I have been reading the LBS Stages thread and sadly it hurts. The way I handled my marriage hurts. I devoted so much time to what I thought I should be doing -- I actually just failed myself. Yes, I am beginning to see that HIS MLC, will be a learning time for me as well.
Luckily -- I have this time now to try to find me. What is scary is after 17 years, I do not remember what I like ...
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
You were a good wife, but his journey is all about him and his childhood issues that need to be resolved. If he hadn't been happy a long time ago, he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did. When we get married, no one gave us a book on how to deal w/the life transitions or w/MLC. We had no clue that our spouses would board the Mother Ship and orbit many times over. They appeared to fairly normal when we married them and in most instances we accepted them w/all their warts and flaws. So, who knew that they would flip out one day? No one. PSST! This can happen to anyone and it's not just because they are married. Again, it's him, not you.
We all took on tasks during the marriage that we didn't love, but we accepted the additional work because it's what we thought marriage was all about...there's no shame in that. We all get caught up in the marriage and sometimes we lose ourselves in the process. We try to make others happy and we forget about ourselves.
Sooooo....while he's orbiting earth, this is your time to rediscover you! It's a time to finish up DIY projects, take up new hobbies and do things that you've never done before. It's time to leave the comfort zone behind and start venturing forth into the world and meeting new people and doing things that you enjoy. Peace, joy, happiness, joy and trust will all come back to you as you travel your life's path.
How about making a list of things that you would like to do and let's see what a good time period would be for them.
Amy, you'll get to the other side....but it takes time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Take care of you and those kiddos. Take a nice hot bath and indulge yourself.I know this is hard to do.. but let him go...it may take a bit but you can get there. Post and vent here it helps alot. BTW i though I was a good wife too and apparently i was torture to live with...lol You just have to laugh some of the insane rants off..
Amy, Go visit HaWho's thread. She's got her MLCer living in the basement and he's acting like a teenager and thinks that she's made his life horrible his entire adult life.
Please try to remember that when in crisis, their glasses are coated with a dark film and they can't see clearly. It's their perception of how things were. We are wearing clear glasses and can see clearly and know what is or isn't true. Only own up to 50% of the breakdown of the marriage. Don't try to take on his share too. That's his to own and do something about.
As you travel along the path, you'll begin to find your sense of humor again and will begin to see that some of the stuff they say and do just isn't done in a rational way and you'll shake your head about it.
tfish, has given you something to do this evening. Repeat this over and over again "it's him, it's not me".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
