The phantom cyclist

[AndrewP]

Many physicists suggest that if you focus on someone during meditation, you can send them love and positive energy to their brain and that will heal their wounds faster so that they come back to their senses sooner.

Cld - you are actually the second person to suggest this to me although (I know English isn't your first language) you perhaps mean physicians not physicists . A very dear friend who has been invaluable to me has also suggested to me imagining everything working out as I want it to and holding that image in my mind. I struggle with that because over this journey there have been so many dissapointments and times that hope has been crushed that I am reluctant to hope again.

I'm also a firm believer in this bit of wisdom from one of W and my favourite authors which helps keep me grounded.

If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

Giving this your best shot, giving this your all, means that you have no doubts as to who you are and what you stand for, and what you learn here from doing this is so very helpful in whatever relationship you have after this. You are not a broken person bringing baggage to a different relationship. I keep saying relationship like it might not be with your wife. Even if it is with you wife it will be a new relationship.

Use this time to your advantage. Believe she will come out of it, but understand that there is nothing you can do to make that happen, that there almost never is a quick fix, and if there is one, to be very wary of it. Believe that she will come back in time and use that belief so that you can use the time wisely.

I came out of this with a better understanding of what love was and meant to me. It wasn't controlling, it was sharing. I love my wife, but seriously and in all honesty I love her enough to let her go, I don't need her to love her. We share a life.

Jack - I keep trying to put my shell back together but this made Humpty Dumpty fall right off the wall again. I'm a grey haired 52 year old professional man with a reputation for being solid, reliable and calm under pressure sitting here in my office in my bow tie, suspenders and custom made shirt (I got quite a number of compliments this morning for how good I look) keeping half an eye on things while I type this. When I read this I started balling my eyes out and had to leave and walk around the block until I got it back together. Belief is tough right now - a lot of what is keeping me on this path is duty and pride. You've caused me to re-examine belief just like Cld wants to as well.

On my walk I was wishing that W "was" here and is reading the kind and positive things that you all have been so nice to write. She would often take on the role of protector in our relationship and woe betide the person who she thought didn't give me the respect she felt I deserved. I was always proud of her for that even when sometimes it was mis-aimed. Perhaps after this journey is completed and some time has passed I'll suggest that she do come here and read - or perhaps not.

the sin of pride is one that I am - if you'll pardon the joke - the most proud of

Sir, while most definitely a sin, it has it uses, and you and I suffer? from the same one.

If you are all that prideful...I am going to suggest that you can use that to your advantage here.

If you are THAT prideful, you can do here what so many other seeks.

Maybe you'll be the one to come back with the Holy Grail.
But I'll warn you, you cannot be prideful when you grasp it.

Obiwan Jack Beans - please teach me even though I am not worthy. Along with my pride I am capable of being humble when given a gift, be it teaching or the love of the one that I adore.

[AndrewP]

eric - Thanks for stopping by. Actually chili is one of my signature dishes and I am quite proud of it. When the kids were at home I would make a pot of it every Saturday in part to give W a break from housework and also because I quite liked it. My kids on the other hand - they would struggle with the results of some of my experiments. I have a number of jalapenos growing in the planter just for chili.

Yes, I'm doing this to protect W but in doing so it does hurt me.

I would say….you are doing this to RESPECT YOUR M. Think about it….W was thinking about coming back but now that everyone knows she is with OM, she is struggling with having the deal with the fall out of everyone knowing. There may come a time when you tell people – I just think now is NOT that time. It is YOUR call though.

eric - I think that the secret of OM is still fairly well under wraps. I'm sure there are some rumours in different corners of the village but W has always been discrete as far as I can tell and the horror I saw in her eyes when it was suggested that if I filed for D with grounds that it would be public knowledge I believe was real.

Thank you though for giving me this different perspective. You are absolutely write (as am I) but this different perspective is perhaps healthier for me to focus on. "If" she does come back it is no one's affair but her's to discuss and bringing it up in public would only be painful. If she goes to OM then she would be announcing it herself by that act. If I were to be allowed to put my mind-reading turban on for just a moment I think that's part of where she's stuck. She has two men who love her and that she loves. Let's presume that she prefers OM but to go there means announcing to the world that she's something that she used to despise and that many of her friends would lose their respect for her. If she comes back to me, she may be thinking that it's more of the same thing that she was unhappy with and she would have the guilt of the A and related things to live with. If she goes off on her own - well - she's doubted that she can make it on her own even though I've assured her that I think she's strong and capable enough to do whatever she sets her mind to, I don't know if she believes that herself.


eric / Jack - I do have a copy of 5 love languages and have gone through it about a month ago and been somewhat surprised at the results of the little test in the back. My results came up at that time as "words of affirmation" and "quality time". I don't know what W would be but from the things that have made her happy in the past I would guess "acts of service" and "gifts". Physical touch played a large role in our day to day interaction but wasn't key at least for me. Part of my guess about W's languages are are based on what she would do for me when she wanted to show extra love and attention - such as after she spent the weekend with OM (long possibly irrelevant story there). I know that I would often use the language that I wanted to hear to her being very positive to her and complimenting her on her accomplishments and appearance as well as making time to be with her. Funny how you have to re-evaluate things after reading that book to consider you've been speaking a language that isn't being heard. I need to pull it out again and have another read.

[ericmsant2]

If I were to be allowed to put my mind-reading turban on for just a moment

No permission needed - you're going to do it anyway. Right?

she's doubted that she can make it on her own even though I've assured her that I think she's strong and capable enough to do whatever she sets her mind to, I don't know if she believes that herself.

Stop focusing on "SHE" and "HER". You DO NOT need to "reassure" her. Saying nothing and allowing her the freedom to make and live HER CHOICES speaks volumes.

Actions speak louder than words.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I am not worthy.

Shut up.

So about that pride thing.

Here is my horrible secret.

Cavet first.

I was going to be a better person no matter the outcome of this. I knew it. Even if she didn't come out of her MLC...I would be great.

Here is the horrible pride part.

I had a saying I used often. I'm not certain if I am going to say it 100% correctly.

Whether it is a 1 in 100 chance of saving your marriage or a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance of saving your marriage it doesn't matter the end number, what matters is the first number.
Be the 1.

My sin was knowing that I would be the 1. That was my pride.

Let it be yours.

a lot of what is keeping me on this path is duty and pride

That's not a bad reason, to keep you going when you don't think you can. Use up anything you can as fuel to keep standing as long as you can. Your goal is to outlast her, almost everything can burn to keep that fire going.

I have two questions for you to give you some fuel for later.

If the roles were reversed, and it was you who had the MLC and your wife was the LBS, would she be here talking to us?

Would you walk through hell to find your wife?
Would you still do it even if you didn't know if she would come out of it with you?

Last question not for fuel, but for an idea of maybe a little calm.

What would you be doing this next week if say she was on Holiday without cell coverage? What would you week look like? How would you be feeling and what would you be doing?

[Mach1]

eric / Jack - I do have a copy of 5 love languages and have gone through it about a month ago and been somewhat surprised at the results of the little test in the back. My results came up at that time as "words of affirmation" and "quality time". I don't know what W would be but from the things that have made her happy in the past I would guess "acts of service" and "gifts". Physical touch played a large role in our day to day interaction but wasn't key at least for me. Part of my guess about W's languages are are based on what she would do for me when she wanted to show extra love and attention - such as after she spent the weekend with OM (long possibly irrelevant story there). I know that I would often use the language that I wanted to hear to her being very positive to her and complimenting her on her accomplishments and appearance as well as making time to be with her. Funny how you have to re-evaluate things after reading that book to consider you've been speaking a language that isn't being heard. I need to pull it out again and have another read.

I'm not eric or jack....

But I might be able to answer this for ya...

I have always recommended that a person reads the 5LL twice.

Most people read it right after the Bomb, and it tends to read as some kind of "how I F'ed this up" guide.

The second time, is typically after a person has done some work, and are trying to define the questions that have been flying around here the past couple days...

How do you define love, how do you give love, how do you receive love....

So yea, we often times try to "force" how WE give and receive love onto others, rather than to try and understand the true values of knowing a love language....

So you may feel loved by physical touch, and secondarily by quality time...

However, your natural way of "giving" love may be acts of service, and secondarily by gift giving...

Most often, we try to force how WE feel love, onto our partners. Whilst looking to receive love from them, in a way that we haven't clearly defined, or maybe even understand...


So maybe give it another read, recognize how you give, AND receive love...


Then you can start answering some questions inside of your own head...

Make sense ??

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If I were to be allowed to put my mind-reading turban on for just a moment

No permission needed - you're going to do it anyway. Right?

Eric is so much nicer than I was with him.
This place is soooo much softer and happy feelings.

You should check out Eric's post Struggling with Hope. from Feb 2010. That's where Eric wanted to throw his computer and kill me. You'll also see just how far we all have come since then. We are all better people for this.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh yeah and I usually don't respond to a question if I feel like someone said exactly what I would have said, so it's not like I am ignoring you...its just I'm not a big fan of copying cutting and pasting what someone else said and typing 5 wolf whistles (inside joke) like I'm some sort of approval authority here.

[ericmsant2]

In the interest of full transparency I wanted to add a bit to this….(see bolded text)

You should check out Eric's post Struggling with Hope. from Feb 2010. That's where Eric wanted to throw his computer, smash his desk, destroy his office, kick doors, shoot my neighbors cat, find out where I lived, fly there …. and kill me , Mach, Cat, and too many other posters to list.

Yes it is much softer these days.

And.....

Knowing what I know NOW....

I would not change the experience....

Andrew, believe it or not ONE day you may also say....

"I would not change it for the world".

[Jack_Three_Beans]

well yeah...but paraphrasing. : )

[AndrewP]

Be the 1.

My sin was knowing that I would be the 1. That was my pride.

Let it be yours.

I can do that. I "know" that I am the best possible choice for her. The logical choice whether she sees it or not. My SIL army and those few friends who know any level of details of my sitch also agree with me. I will strap this on as my armour.

If the roles were reversed, and it was you who had the MLC and your wife was the LBS, would she be here talking to us?

Absolutely not. Probably. I think not anyway. She always was my protector and defender but against outside forces only. It was as if I was one of "her" possessions. Earlier in this journey I toyed with the idea of creating a fake new gal (I have friends who would cooperate) to make her jealous and make her think she was losing me. That could backfire in a whole lot of undesirable ways and would be a lie.

One of the "advantages" I have of still wearing my ring and appearing to the outside world as married is that all of these women I have been assured are waiting out there for me are kept safely at a distance I do worry at times at being weak and doing my own chasing. One thing that W would often joke with me about is that I always seemed to have a backup plan.

Would you walk through hell to find your wife?
Would you still do it even if you didn't know if she would come out of it with you?

That's what I'm doing right now. I remember telling her in that one talk we had on move-out night. "I've stood in the fires for you and they burned!" I'm doing it out of love and because it's the "right" thing to do. Love and duty are not a two way street. They are something you do for yourself whether it is returned or not.

What would you be doing this next week if say she was on Holiday without cell coverage? What would you week look like? How would you be feeling and what would you be doing?

Excellent question. I'm going to think about this more but even if I knew she was with OM I would indeed be more relaxed and able to focus on myself because even though I work so very hard to not snoop there are always little sign-posts of her movements around that I try to avoid. Every time I encounter one the rope gets tightened a bit. Part of this I know is my constant battle with detaching. I fear that if I detach too much that I'll also give up and abandon all hope of her ever coming home and close that door that is currently open. darknes said it well on another thread of mine that I've gone from standing by the door to sitting in another room reading a book but that I need to be getting on with my life and not waiting around.

PS - Cadet - if you are reading this and have any way of contacting dream I noticed that his/her last post was on my thread where it could have been construed that I was upset with him/her. If you can get a message out can you please extend my apologies and thanks for past kindnesses?