As I sit her tonight I am more confused than ever. Today was a good day, I felt at ease with my decision to tell my W last night that I know about the affair. I actually only looked once at phone records today and didn't even bother me that I saw the OM number listed on there. I know she isn't going to stop anytime soon. Later in the day I got a notification that she changed the password again. I actually laughed because I couldn't believe it took her until 4 pm to change it. Plus, I didn't really care anymore. I took my sons to a class they go to on Thursday nights and then got home around 6:30. My W was already there which is very unusual for her. Usually she get home between 7:30 - 8:30, but tonight she was at home sitting outside drinking a glass of wine and doing some work. I saw that she had ate some dinner (Also unusual for her right now) so she must have been home by 5:30 or so. I asked her to watch the kids so I could go to the gym and she said no problem. I went to the gym and had a good workout. I was feeling good when I got home.
This is when things got weird and confusing. I come in she is in a great mood for her lately. The kids are having fun and she is trying to talk to me. I am being polite but trying to mind my own business and cook me a quick dinner. Anyway she comes up to me and wants to tell me I was wrong about her affair and that there is nothing going on. She said she could explain everything. I asked her to explain the 150 texts a day from this guy and she says they are mostly work related. I tell her I don' t believe her and if they are work related why does she delete them off her phone. She said because she delete other conversations with other people too. I said that I knew her texts were sexual and she said how did I know that and I reminded her that I read some of the texts the night this all came out. She didn't seem to remember that very well but said she flirts with guys (she did says guys which means more than 1) because it makes her feel good when they flirt with her because she doesn't feel attractive. I told her if she is not having an affair then she should not erase anymore texts and let me see what they are saying to each other. She then said her and I have trust issues (This is obvious) and she can't trust me. I asked her what I have done and she said I locked myself in the office the other night and she heard me typing away on the computer (I was posting on this site). She said she tried to get on the computer tonight (must be why she got home so early) to check the history but I had changed the login password (I did change the password to protect myself and she never uses the computer because she always uses her work laptop). After we started getting into this conversation I told her I don't think we should talk about this now, especially with the kids still awake. She then follows me out to the kitchen and asks me what I want in our relationship. I told her the truth. I want her and I to someday get to a place where we can be happily married again. She then asks me what are we doing now and told her I guess we are separated but living together. She wants to know what that means, and I asked her does she want to date other people and she says no. At this point I don't know what is going on. We go sit back on the couch and she asks what my mom and sister think of all of this. She says they probably hate her and I told her she isn't really popular right now. She then starts talking about her and I starting over someday. I told her if we ever got to that point we need to go to marriage counseling because we didn't last time this happened and she agreed. We then sat on the couch and watch tv for a bit before I put our sons to bed.
Here is what I think is happening. First of all I know I can't trust her and I have read that she may do something like this and then turn on me the next day. Anyway, I think I scared her when I told her I know about the affair and that's why she went snooping. She admitted that she wanted to look at the history on the computer to me. She asked me why I got in the trunk of her car last night and thought I may have planted a tracking device (I was just getting a pair of shoes I left in the trunk out). She also started explaining why I would see the OM numbers on her phone log today and that it was work related.
I think she is paranoid and she knows she has been caught. I know she had an EA at least with the OM and now she just admitted she flirts with other guys too. She says she has never done anything physical with any of them, but she likes to flirt. I actually might believe her that its only EA because as far as I know she has only seen him one time since the EA started and he does live 3 hours away. With the amount of texts they sent each other each day it doesn't look like they are hooking up during the work week and she has been home every weekend since this started.
Anyway when we were done talking she probably thinks we are in a good spot, but now I am the paranoid one. I know I can't trust her right now and I know she is lying to me. There is no way they are texting each other 150 times a day and its mostly work. There is no way they texted each other after midnight and its about work. She actually might be telling the truth about not doing anything else but she has got some serious issues.
This is all starting to remind me of her EA she had in the winter of 2008 - 2009. I shared a bit of it in my original post but basically from late December - early February she had an EA with a guy she met in another state while visiting her family. She texted this guy constantly and we lived in separate bedrooms just like now. She actually flew back in February to seen him, but ended up only kissing him and left. She came home and we were not talking. She wanted to divorce me and I said no. She tried to serve me divorce papers but I wouldn't sign them. Then one day while I was at work and she was home she went snooping on the computer and saw that I had visited some dating web sites. I had visited them the day before as almost a joke because I thought I would be getting divorced soon and I wanted to see what was out there. I didn't contact anyone and it was strictly for fun (we had been separated about 3 months at this point). When I got home she came after me accusing me of having an affair and that she couldn't trust me. I calmed her down, told her the truth and shortly after began to heal our marriage. It was like the shock that I might date someone else shocked her back into wanting to be with me. The conversations we had then were so similar to the one tonight it is scary.
My W has so many issues. I just hope her therapist helps her, because she is so confused right now. She had to cancel her appointment this week but I really hope she continues to go because she needs help.
Tomorrow, I am going to go back to trying to detach. I told my S6 I would take him to the high school football game tomorrow night if the weather is good. That should be fun and I think I have some plans lined up for Sunday. I am just going to continue to work on myself.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I should add that she does admit texting with this guy but she was only flirting. She said she was not having an A. I told her she was having an EA and she said it's not the same thing. I told her in my mind it was still an affair.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Eagle11- I have been following along but not posted much as you are receiving amazing advice!
However, I have a live-in MLCer and I just want to tell you to be very, very careful in protecting your privacy regarding your posts. My h has snooped on me, too.
He has tried to check my FB and email account by guessing my password. Also, he once asked to borrow my phone to make a call because his was "low on battery." He took my phone with him in the other room and I know he combed through it. Be ready for such crafty requests.
My h is much more computer savvy than I am. I do all my posts on my iPhone (probably I will be blind in a year) but I worry he may have installed spying software on my laptop or Mac before I changed passwords. My understanding is sometimes these are nearly impossible to detect? I set everything to private browsing first on my phone.
And remember if you're downloading books those can by synched and viewed with other devices. Or, if you share a credit card she can see what books you are buying and learn your game plan.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
As I sit her tonight I am more confused than ever. Today was a good day, I felt at ease with my decision to tell my W last night that I know about the affair. I actually only looked once at phone records today and didn't even bother me that I saw the OM number listed on there. I know she isn't going to stop anytime soon. Later in the day I got a notification that she changed the password again. I actually laughed because I couldn't believe it took her until 4 pm to change it. Plus, I didn't really care anymore. I took my sons to a class they go to on Thursday nights and then got home around 6:30. My W was already there which is very unusual for her. Usually she get home between 7:30 - 8:30, but tonight she was at home sitting outside drinking a glass of wine and doing some work. I saw that she had ate some dinner (Also unusual for her right now) so she must have been home by 5:30 or so. I asked her to watch the kids so I could go to the gym and she said no problem. I went to the gym and had a good workout. I was feeling good when I got home.
This is when things got weird and confusing. I come in she is in a great mood for her lately. The kids are having fun and she is trying to talk to me. I am being polite but trying to mind my own business and cook me a quick dinner. Anyway she comes up to me and wants to tell me I was wrong about her affair and that there is nothing going on. She said she could explain everything. I asked her to explain the 150 texts a day from this guy and she says they are mostly work related. I tell her I don' t believe her and if they are work related why does she delete them off her phone. She said because she delete other conversations with other people too. I said that I knew her texts were sexual and she said how did I know that and I reminded her that I read some of the texts the night this all came out. She didn't seem to remember that very well but said she flirts with guys (she did says guys which means more than 1) because it makes her feel good when they flirt with her because she doesn't feel attractive. I told her if she is not having an affair then she should not erase anymore texts and let me see what they are saying to each other. She then said her and I have trust issues (This is obvious) and she can't trust me. I asked her what I have done and she said I locked myself in the office the other night and she heard me typing away on the computer (I was posting on this site). She said she tried to get on the computer tonight (must be why she got home so early) to check the history but I had changed the login password (I did change the password to protect myself and she never uses the computer because she always uses her work laptop). After we started getting into this conversation I told her I don't think we should talk about this now, especially with the kids still awake. She then follows me out to the kitchen and asks me what I want in our relationship. I told her the truth. I want her and I to someday get to a place where we can be happily married again. She then asks me what are we doing now and told her I guess we are separated but living together. She wants to know what that means, and I asked her does she want to date other people and she says no. At this point I don't know what is going on. We go sit back on the couch and she asks what my mom and sister think of all of this. She says they probably hate her and I told her she isn't really popular right now. She then starts talking about her and I starting over someday. I told her if we ever got to that point we need to go to marriage counseling because we didn't last time this happened and she agreed. We then sat on the couch and watch tv for a bit before I put our sons to bed.
Here is what I think is happening. First of all I know I can't trust her and I have read that she may do something like this and then turn on me the next day. Anyway, I think I scared her when I told her I know about the affair and that's why she went snooping. She admitted that she wanted to look at the history on the computer to me. She asked me why I got in the trunk of her car last night and thought I may have planted a tracking device (I was just getting a pair of shoes I left in the trunk out). She also started explaining why I would see the OM numbers on her phone log today and that it was work related.
I think she is paranoid and she knows she has been caught. I know she had an EA at least with the OM and now she just admitted she flirts with other guys too. She says she has never done anything physical with any of them, but she likes to flirt. I actually might believe her that its only EA because as far as I know she has only seen him one time since the EA started and he does live 3 hours away. With the amount of texts they sent each other each day it doesn't look like they are hooking up during the work week and she has been home every weekend since this started.
Anyway when we were done talking she probably thinks we are in a good spot, but now I am the paranoid one. I know I can't trust her right now and I know she is lying to me. There is no way they are texting each other 150 times a day and its mostly work. There is no way they texted each other after midnight and its about work. She actually might be telling the truth about not doing anything else but she has got some serious issues.
This is pretty typical...
She IS going to be nice for a while.
This is playbook on many levels.
She wants to know HOW you know..
She wants to know WHAT you know..
She wants to know WHO you have been talking to..
She wants to know WHEN you knew...
And she will more than likely go on a search and destroy mission trying to turn this around on you...
She will try anything to make you believe that it is YOU that has the problem...
That is why I said to stay YOUR course, and be as silent as you can be...
She doesn't like carrying her own luggage...
She knows that being nice is her best chance to get information out of you..
Listen to HaWho...they will try all kinds of things to see what you are doing...
Second...
Get a job. Even if it is part time. Many reasons for this. It will give you time away from the boys and out of the house, which you need.
It will give you your own money since she has apparantly had some nasty thoughts about HER money and how it is spent.
It is something you are going to have to do anyway if this goes down the toilet so why not start now? It will give you some control over YOUR life.
Third...don't get any crazy ideas about making it look like you are dating, going to date because it worked in the past to get her to come back. It might. If it does, you will be right back here in a few years...
I am willing to be there was a "false start" on this MLC at the time of her first EA. You don't want to keep repeating that.
Keep posting.
Stop snooping.
Focus on you and the boys.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I was also a stay at home dad and I had the luck to be able to starting a side business that is saving my butt right now after my wife filed for divorce. If I were you I would find a job and try to hide as much money as possible, preferably in cash out of the bank where it can't be traced. Once she enters in MLC full force she won't have any more compassion for you, in fact you might as well be dead to hear, that wouldn't matter. In court she might say that she was tired of supporting you for all those years and that you didn't contribute to the marriage (like watching the kids for 24 hours a day is easy) and that you are lazy and don't want to work. This is exactly what happened to me and you know what? The judge believed her and judges nowadays don't give male spouses support so don't count on that at all! The only positive thing is that if you find a job and your wife makes a lot more money than you, you will have to pay very little in child support because believe me, she will get custody, not you! No matter what she does right now, no matter all the cheating! The cards are stacked against you, so you better prepare right now! Hugs
If I were you I would find a job and try to hide as much money as possible, preferably in cash out of the bank where it can't be traced.
This might not be legal.
You can keep it separate though.
Originally Posted By: Cld
In court she might say that she was tired of supporting you for all those years and that you didn't contribute to the marriage (like watching the kids for 24 hours a day is easy) and that you are lazy and don't want to work. This is exactly what happened to me and you know what? The judge believed her and judges nowadays don't give male spouses support so don't count on that at all!
The law is the law and if support is required, the judge has to order it.
While there may be some gender bias, the system has tried to make it a little bit more equal...
Originally Posted By: Cld
The only positive thing is that if you find a job and your wife makes a lot more money than you, you will have to pay very little in child support because believe me, she will get custody, not you!
This statement is very inappropriate. While this may be what happened to CLD, it is not what happens to everyone.
Many men here have gotten custody of the children. If not full custody then 50/50.
We are here to provide the wisdom of our experiences and support.
We are not here to make blanket generalizations that may possibly create a fear situation in people. Or to look into our crystal ball and tell them exactly what their future will hold.
Cld...please be careful with your generalizations.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I have been reading through your thread and wanted to offer you some advice but I feel I am just too new and wouldn't know what to say.
Thanks for the advice. I am already questioning some of the stuff I wrote in here because its public and my W is beginning to snoop. I really think my snooping may slow down or end soon. Now that I have told her what I know, I actually feel more at ease if that makes sense.
Eagle11 - please, you and I are contemporaries. Post anything on my thread, even if it is hello. If you want to read where I was at the start I have like 4 threads on the newcomer forum.
Yes, it makes perfect sense. I wanted to confront my W when I first got to newcomer's in July. Advice was mixed as to do that or not, but advice was unified on 1.have a goal & a plan for it and 2. you do what you feel you have to do. So I did confront her and I felt better. Does not mean that is the right thing to do every time.
The snooping will stop at some point. You will just loose either the taste for it or the endurance, or both. Its not healthy and, this is the pill to swallow, it really is not about that OM. It just isn't.
I'm here my friend. Do you for you.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I second cat04's warning about generalizing about child custody situations. I've talked to many friends who've shared with me many divorce sitches where everything DIDN'T work out for the W.
Eagle -
I'm going a little off topic here, but with regards to keeping our mouths shut when we don't want to around our MLC W, I want to share something I'm learning.
It sounds like you are having the same problem I am with keeping it all in. You blew up on her and now you've got to deal with her covering her tracks as well as her doing what Mach1 said about altering her plan to convince herself (and you) that you are the problem. BTW - great post Mach1, I needed to hear that too.
What I'm referring to is something I can only think of as "emotional management". It's sort of learning how to recognize your feelings as they arrive and not letting them overtake you, because you and I are in a crazy situation that we're still adjusting to because it's only been a few months (7 months for me). I am not used to processing these emotions in such heavy doses (anger, sadness, fear, betrayal, vulnerability) and perhaps you are neither.
This may also be a problem if you are someone who acts on emotions right away. You may act on them because you live by your emotions and you are the fiery go-with-it type, or you may act on your emotions right away to change the situation so you can get rid of some emotion that you don't want.
I would say first to process the emotion moment by moment. I know how it is, I've gotten overwhelmed myself and I start pacing the house, trying to figure out a solution or even a temporary remedy when in fact I'm not going to solve anything because I'm too busy thinking about how freaked out I am by whatever is going on at the moment. I feel lucky in those moments that I've had friends to call.
I learned a thing or two from Elliott Hulse. He's spoken here & there about dealing with emotions and learning to manage them and NOT suppress them. Someone else on DB recommended Gabrielle Bernstein. This will help you learn how to cultivate a PMA. At first, I couldn't keep a PMA at all, I was too angry or sad. I still have times where I can't do it, but I'm getting better at it.
As for the recent conversation with you W - yeah, she's in denial about the A. She's got to convince you and herself that nothing is going on.
Don't answer her questions directly. As the advice goes from the vets, be positive & vague. Don't let her think you're going to wait around forever. Do not give the impression of the loyal puppy, it will prolong everything for her. She's focused on keeping the fantasy life going.
If you wanted to make the conversation surreal, you could always pull a Ron Swanson! Answer every question with another question.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
I have changed all my passwords to the computer, phone, credit cards again just to make sure. I hid my DR book in a different place. I am clearing all history on computer/phone when done. I am also going to make sure I don't lay my phone down when she is around. I will keep it with me at all times.
I definitely feel she was trying to turn the tables on me when she started accusing me of hiding stuff. That's why I asked her to talk about it later, but she just followed me and kept talking. I know she is scared and I won't be shocked if she stops her EA for a little while, but then starts back up. I have my guard up, as far as I am concerned nothing has changed today on the way I'm going to live my life. I am going to work on detaching and if she really ends her EA and makes a genuine effort to try to work things out then I will listen, but I know that will take a lot of time. She would also have to come clean with everything that has went on. She would need to give me her passwords to her accounts and I would have to know she is seeking help and trying. We are a long way from that I think right now.
Also, I have thought about a job. I used to do some work in my spare time a few years ago before my 2nd S was born. It was basically a hobby at the time but I earned decent money doing it. I quit once the 2nd S was born because I was taking care of two, but I might start back up again. It really wouldn't be something I would make a career doing, but it would give me extra money and also help me with detachment and GAL.
This weekend I am going to continue to detach for me. If she wants to talk I will, but she has to be the one to initiate it.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
