Confused on What to Do

[Jack_Three_Beans]

My view on detachment, and I am sure Mach can probably define it a little better than me.

But detachment to me is not having your actions and reactions being attached everything the WAS says or does. Or having your WAS's feeling dictate your own. it means stepping outside the situation, looking at yourself and what you need to do to be the best you.

You defined it perfectly Ginger. : )

[Wonka]

Lots of good material on here ( and elsewhere) about Boundaries. Let me see if I can dig up some threads.

Looking for this, Drew?

Boundaries Cheat Sheet

[Drew]

Yes, Wonka, thank you!!

I was specifically thinking of the Coach one and it's included in yours.

[ciluzen]

Hey Eagle,

I've been following your thread and am sorry you are in this situation with the rest of us. You are getting some great responses from some great mentors! I had the same questions as you about detaching when my H's complaints were that I didn't like him or want to spend time with him and that I didn't appreciate him (his feelings, not mine). How could backing off work when it seems I should be showing more love and attention than before? I've heard it said many, many times though, that "DB is counter intuitive".

I fought that consciously and subconsciously, but finally started to realize that it really was true. We just have to let them be alone with what is going on in their head. We are respecting their need to work on things alone, whether they realize that's what they are really asking for or not. In turn, we are being respectful of our own needs by working alone on ourselves rather than making us their problem.

Reading DB and DR is a great idea. As we hit different stages emotionally and mentally on this journey, different parts of those books will have more meaning and more relevance than at other times. Or maybe you're more receptive to certain ideas as you move along. Either way, re-reading helps.

I don't have much else to say other than you've got good mentors to help you through. This board is a life saver.

[job]

Remember...actions speak louder than words. You don't have to tell your wife that you are moving forward or what you need to do for yourself...just do it because she's going to tune you out otherwise. Actions mean more to people than words.

[Eagle11]

Everyone,

I want to thank everyone of you for helping me out. I couldn't believe all the responses I have gotten in the last couple of hours. This board is helping me out so much. Because of this board I know I am not going through this alone. I wish I could thank everyone of you in person. You all mean so much too me.

I think I have been getting detachment wrong and getting it confused with no contact (there is so much to learn). I guess you all are saying that detachment is more about me taking care of myself and making my self happy? Getting myself to better place in life?

Drew and Wonka, thanks for the info on boundaries. I wish I would have understood this last night. Drew, I would have used your example with her, it's exactly what I was trying to say.

Job, I dug through one of my desk drawers and found a rubber band to remind me to keep my mouth shut! thanks for the advice.

[Mach1]

I think I have been getting detachment wrong and getting it confused with no contact (there is so much to learn). I guess you all are saying that detachment is more about me taking care of myself and making my self happy? Getting myself to better place in life?

Detachment isn't a noun....it's a verb..

It isn't a decision that you make, it's a way of life, or a state of mind...

You live through this...really live.

All the things that you thought that you would never do, yet dreamed of doing...

Detachment, isn't words, as much as actions toward your future...


Doesn't mean that you don't love, don't care, don't want this to work out....

It means that you are okay, either way....

[job]

Here's a thread that I have on detachment. Read it and then re-read it again. It will help you.

Detachment

[CT1118]

Eagle11,

J3B pointed me to your thread a few days ago. I just finished reading it. While our sitch's do not have much in common, our W's seem to.

I think this was the most awesome thing I read:

I wanted to tell her that it was great she got a tattoo with her kids name on it but it would have been better if she actually showed them how much she loved them by being present. Anybody can get a tattoo, but it takes effort to be a good parent.

Awesome because it sums up perfectly how the parent caring for the kids feels about the spouse ignoring their role. I was abandoned w/ my son for pretty much two months until we went S.


[quote=Eagle11] I have some money saved that she doesn't know about. My parents actually have it and it would be enough to get me started. [quote]

Seriously, do not say things like this here. Or anywhere. Ever again forever, just don't. This place is public. I hope why is immediately apparent by the moment you finish this sentence.

Your snooping stuff, I mean I did it. Don't feel too bad about it. It can become compulsive though which is the problem. As well, if you struggle w/ seeing & knowing things then it will be tough for you. Its really not healthy. I will say it did help me realize what a complete douchebag her OM was when I looked him up on FB. I mean I struggled to understand that, I really did. But mostly I was angry about her lies, not him. But the OM is usually way below your pay grade man - normal script.

Last, people put stuff about detaching above. Good luck. I read it all when I first got here...and you SHOULD do that. But for me, it just came on its own; as in I knew it existed but it wasn't something I could be taught, it was something which arrived thru process.

Glad you are in an IC my man....huge help for you. Huge GAL. Big step. Keep it up.

[Eagle11]

CT118,

I have been reading through your thread and wanted to offer you some advice but I feel I am just too new and wouldn't know what to say.

Thanks for the advice. I am already questioning some of the stuff I wrote in here because its public and my W is beginning to snoop. I really think my snooping may slow down or end soon. Now that I have told her what I know, I actually feel more at ease if that makes sense.