Pathway Change

[blueboy]

Thanks doodler, I will try LiM out.

[LiM]

Hi Blueboy,

All caught up on your sitch.
Wow, I can't even begin to imagine the emotional pain you are experiencing after finding out about the other 2 A's. That is the ultimate kick in the nuts.
Only you can decide what you can live with. Is 3 A's a deal breaker for you?
I will say, based on what you've written, is that your W does appear to be remorseful for what she has done. With that, there is a chance for your M.
My advice would be to take one day at a time. I wake up every single day and have to tell myself that I am going to stay in and work on my M today. Even when I feel it would be easier to just walk away.
Now that your W is back, the truly hard work begins. This is not easy and you are going to continue to experience a wide range of unpleasant emotions.
When someone has 1 A, they have issues. When they've had 3 A's, they have LOTS of issues. Your W needs IC on top of MC. I would strongly encourage you to help her find a good IC.

In all your posts, I've not seen much talk about what YOUR issues are. None of us are perfect. I know you had your own A 7 years ago. What else about Blueboy needs improvement? What are your faults and weaknesses? You need to take a good hard look at yourself and see what YOU need to change and improve. We all have room for improvement.

[blueboy]

Hi liM

My biggest issues are that I'm a pleaser and a fixer, trying to be super husband and super dad, W felt like she had no place! Hard not to still be those thing now, also we spent all our time with kids and not enough time together.

I'm find it hard not to think about the A's all the time and it all I want to talk about at the moment which is hard.

[blueboy]

So thing are going ok, I'm 99% W is committed to R she has not baulk on anything I have asked her to do!

Issues I have:

1) Do I need all the details regards when are we're the had sex? Is this making things better or worse.

2) I have a lot of angry which can lead to negative comments to W, how should I deal with this?

3) Trust, can I live with the knowledge this can happen again in 2, 5, 10 years!

4) How do I not look at my beautiful W and not think of her as tainted!

My heart breaks everyday!

[Coconut]

So thing are going ok, I'm 99% W is committed to R she has not baulk on anything I have asked her to do!

Issues I have:

1) Do I need all the details regards when are we're the had sex? Is this making things better or worse.

2) I have a lot of angry which can lead to negative comments to W, how should I deal with this?

3) Trust, can I live with the knowledge this can happen again in 2, 5, 10 years!

4) How do I not look at my beautiful W and not think of her as tainted!

My heart breaks everyday!

1. Nope, bad idea.. Your imagination runs wild, but you know that it's likely not right, facts are harder to shake.

2. It's anger causing those comments, it's hard to lose the anger, but you need to get past the anger and find forgiveness, only then will you find peace and be able to be happy with yourself and W. That should be focus with IC, you need to forgive her, you have to for your own sake. You need to do that first.

3. Instead of asking W about your question #1, ask about why she did what she did, how it made her feel when she was doing it, how does she feel about it now, what she would do now if she started feeling lonely again, etc.. Then decide if your willing to be fully involved with your W and M, some of the best Marriages around are post A M, because they recognize the importance of the emotional bonding and communication. Remember, no guarantee a new W wouldn't have an A either, so it's not like she's a risk of repeating but a new person wouldn't be, it's always a risk.

4. See answer 2, you must find forgiveness. You will always remember, you will always have a bit of pain from the memory, but it will become less pain, and a great M will overshadow bad memories.

[LiM]

Issues I have:
1) Do I need all the details regards when are we're the had sex? Is this making things better or worse.
2) I have a lot of angry which can lead to negative comments to W, how should I deal with this?
3) Trust, can I live with the knowledge this can happen again in 2, 5, 10 years!
4) How do I not look at my beautiful W and not think of her as tainted!

1. You have a right to know what occurred but be careful not to ask about the gory details. Knowing every single detail won't help you heal.
2. You have every right to feel angry but be careful not to lash out at your wife. Remember, you are trying to heal your M so that you can live a long happy life together. Dont say things to her now that you will later regret. I recommend journaling if you need to vent. Or come here and say the angry words you have rolling around your mind.
3. None of us are guaranteed anything at all. She could cheat again but so could a new spouse.
4. I think these goes away with time. All of this is still fresh and very painful. With time, the memory will still be there but it will not evoke the same painful response that it does now.

[blueboy]

First MC session last night, went ok, MC seems a good match, W seemed to be very on board.

[maybs]

I'm glad that your W is so on board with everything! Stay cautious and keep us updated!

[blueboy]

Not a great night, W has been up all night crying, being sick, saying she can't understand how she could be so selfish and stupid to have done what she has done, saying she is nothing nothing more than a common whore and doesn't deserve me or the kids!

She seems in a meltdown of shame and self hate! Not sure how to handle it at all, I've tried to be supportive.

[Coly23]

Just dropped by your post Blueboy and didn't want to leave without saying something.

Sounds like you had a really rough night. It must be so hard to see someone you love beat themselves up like this and there is little you can do about it. I have seen in several posts where Sandi2 explains that she went through this stage of remorse as well so it sounds like this is part of the process although I am sure that doesn't make it any easier.

Hang in there. IMHO she probably needs to feel this way if she is ever going to forgive herself.