Eric's questions are going to supersede any post I make to you. In this I bow to his wisdom and experience. I think you may have just found your mentor.
I have met Eric twice in my life and I can honestly say he is one of the best friends I have the honor of having. He is the one you want for this.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I've been a silent lurker, and I am on a board , but I had took a peek yesterday while waiting for some friends and caught up a little. First, thanks for sharing that story about how you met and the break in your R, because I think it says a lot.
On thing that really stuck out at me, and it's all semantics, but maybe not a MLC. Sounds like repeated patterns of behavior over the years, the codependency, destructive behaviors, the running from problems.......Seems to be a theme since you guys were "kids" The interesting thing I have noticed, being married (and divorced) very young myself, is sometimes one partner grows up and learns better coping mechanisms and becomes more independent, and the other doesn't. Or sometime neither partner really ever had a chance to figure who they are independently or how to cope and grow together. Either way, the people here on the MLC forum will be able to help you. because MLC, WAS, whatever it may be..... kind of the same plan of action for YOURSELF.
I am from back in the days of these great posters. Eric is a close friend, and a big brother to me. And honestly, one of the most emotionally mature men I have the pleasure of knowing.
Answer those questions he asked.
I've learned much from being a divorcee at the age of 29 with a baby. While it stunk, it made me who I am today. The one huge gift I got was the ability to look inward and get real with myself. The hardest thing to do, but the best thing to do.
Please get the book that Eric suggested. It is an excellent read and one that will open your eyes to co-dependency. Also, do an internet search of the topic if you don't have to get the book today...but it's a must read.
Like Jack, I am going to step back just a bit, because Eric's post hits home on all points w/respect to your updated posting of the missing years.
It's like I mentioned yesterday, people will make mistakes and learn from them. There are some that have to continue to hit the brick wall over and over again and this will continue until they finally learn the lessons that need to be learned.
You didn't break your wife, therefore you can't fix her. You've been trying to fix her for years and guess what? She's not done one thing to fix herself. Why? Because you've been there to fix everything and make her feel better. Let me ask you this...how do you feel when you fix things for her? Do feel proud and satisfied? Do you ever get frustrated and tired of fixing things that she should have been doing w/herself and life? If you say yes to these, then it's time to stop playing the handyman to her problem. Your wife will never grow up if she's not allowed to make mistakes, hit bottom and figure things out.
This is your time to figure out YOU! This is your time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. This is the time to ask yourself some very hard questions and look in the mirror and decide what you need to change to be a better you. BTW, those changes need to become permanent and not just to woe your wife back. Do the things that you never had the opportunity to do before marrying your wife. Heck, I'm sure there are plenty of hobbies and projects that you could get involved in and enjoy.
Come here to vent, ask questions, seek advice and yes, we even will challenge you on what you post. But know this, we are a family here and we are all here to help one another. As Ginger pointed out, MLC, WAS, or whatever, ...the action plan is the same...give her space, leave her alone unless it's an absolute emergency and live your life to the fullest. Learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company. Do things w/your children that can be fun and yet, a learning experience too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok, I am ready to begin Eric. Very impressed with what others have said of you. I am going to do my best, so please if I overlook/miss a question it will not be intentional, so please remind.
- Why did I accept the role of knight? Honestly, I never felt like I did. Looking back, I still do not feel like I did. However, if to others reading my sitch that I did, than all I can say is that I had no idea. I will give it more thought.
- Why did I accept what part? Possible I may inadvertently answer this question in my response to the next...
- Why did I think some of these behaviors were healthy? I do not recall stating that I did. I can say that while I did not think behavior was healthy, I also did not think it was unhealthy; in other words, I did not think about mental health until I began with an IC in Feb 2016. In my opening post I put some things about me. I could do a whole post on my issues. You said it - did not know what healthy was, and you don't know what you don't know.
- What does love mean to me? May not be the most pragmatic of answers, but Hesse is my favorite author: “One must find the source within one's own Self, one must possess it. Everything else was seeking -- a detour, an error.”
-What does love look like to me? Like the water in a river. Deep and shallow, turbulent and calm, narrow and wide, moving around rocks, moving over sand, transporting objects, flowing and frozen, dynamic and static, able to dry out of existence and able to return.
- How do I give love? Dmn these are simple questions, but challenging. I am introverted and have type II ADHD, but I am working on overcoming the detrimental pieces of each. The expression of emotion does not come easy for me. I try to respect, to understand, to show compassion, to express, to be silent, to allow, to forgive, to understand. But when I truly love someone, I am able to give of myself entire and so few have ever gotten that from me. However, I am fallible from the above and I can and have lost sight what I should be giving.
- How do I receive love? Might depend on the person or the place. An example, from my dog it is without doubt, from my son it is with purity, from my W it is with patience, from my mother it is with hesitance. However, I think you would understand if I said these adjectives are continually evolving.
- What does a healthy relationship look like to me? I would say one that is based upon understanding of both parties of themselves as individuals and of each other. My son and I are pretty healthy now.
- Yes, were both kids when we met and true, we did not know who we were.
- I am not so sure I can give you her dumping me at 19/20 years old as an early sign of much. In hindsight and context of the story, it appears clear. But if women dumped men with explanation on the regular the whole "its not you, its me" thing wouldn't be a thing. She was not the first or the last to do that to me around that age, as is the case with many young people.
- Why did I cheat on others with her? Because I was in love with her, because I was not in love with the others, and the bottom line mostly is because I was not a good person at that time in my life.
- Was the attraction too much for me to say no? No. There were a number of times both of us said no to sleeping with each other over the course of that story, had I put in every detail, I would be publishing my first novel right now.
- Was the sex that good? It was always good with her, but I would not say that was the center of our world with each other. Our relationship did not begin based upon sex, but we both always enjoyed having it with each other.
- Have I read on co-dependency? I did read some websites, some psych journal articles, but no books. I am interested in the book you offer. However, and with due respect, I will have to wait a few months to buy. I just spent $400.00 on my graduate texts today - that hurt.
- Why do I think we move through relationships but remain in secret communication with each other? Well, because of our childhoods in short. Because we both have always been in love with each other, but neither of us never really understood or knew how to love in a way which was healthy. Because we both learned that we were able to destroy others without much regard for their feelings. Because we both want to be with each other and want to figure out a way. Because we both grew up thinking we were incapable of loving others and meeting each other tossed a wrench into that idea. Because we both could not escape the spectre of our adverse childhood experiences. Because we both have trust issues. Because we both are selfish. Because we both believe at our cores we are good people but have not learned how to stop hurting others. Because we both lacked self control. Lastly, because until I walked into that IC office in Feb 2016 I had never sought a permanent way to be entirely better as a human being.
- We were both addicted to FTR: you did not pose this as a question, but for clarity...I did not see this in the abbreviations page. I am guessing first time relationship? If yes, than neither of us were each others first relationship or first sexual encounter.
- Could I see how unhealthy it was for her to tell me about a miscarriage 4 years later? Yes, actually that one I did see immediately and recall being quite upset at the initial news. Why she said it, I only know what she told me: which was it scared her, it made her feel like less than a woman, guilty, that I would think she could not have kids, and angry at herself. I do not think that is much different of an explanation from many women who have had them. Plus, were discussing our history when it came up.
- I never knew what boundaries were until I came here on 07.05.16, since I have read a whole lot on them.
- Under the job comments: I do believe job was 100% correct, I had identified that on my own, but it is good to hear others say it.
- Do I agree that I have a pattern? Yes, I have identified it.
- Am I ready to break the pattern? Yes and I have been doing that. I have certainly broken it in myself. My GAL's are solid and permanent. My commitment to remaining drug free is still as strong as the day I stopped - over 6 months w/out narcotics. I continue w/ my IC. I no longer help her or make the offers. I have gone through NC w/ her. I do not try to fix her. I focus mostly on myself and also on my son. I do hope she seeks the same level of help for herself 1. because I want her to feel and be healthy and 2. because I would like my son to have a healthy mother. But, I do accept those 2 things may never happen. I do feel detached. I do still love her. I am able to resist her, which has been tested and proven to myself. I do still feel love for her. I would still have her back, but I know that is far off if ever.
- Do I like to read? Yes, but the ADHD never allowed it. Takes a long time for me to read a book. I am able to now only because of my treatments. As a kid, the only thing I could read was comic books. And yeah dude, I do love the Hll out of some Batman. And why not, a troubled childhood becomes a fighter for justice on his own terms? Batman also had some significant R issues as I recall.
You put a great deal of time into my stuff. I really and truly appreciate it.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Please - I require a moderator's assistance. The internet is an amazing place. My story is quite specific and I do not wish it to escape into the ether. I believe what I sought from posting it is well underway, so...
Please remove/delete/wipe my posts #2700949 at 0703AM and #2700996 at 0943AM
Greatly appreciated.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
