I just wanted her to get better. I told her I wasn't going to try to stop her affair but I loved her and she needs help.
Telling a crazy person they are crazy doesn't usually go over well. I'm not going to hit you with a 2x4 for you talking to her.
Saying, I hope you get better, or I hope you get help... In her mind you are the problem...not anything she is doing or going through.
Saying stuff like this is like saying I love you to them. Did you read the book? Do you know why you don't say I love you anymore to them?
And since you still are...please stop.
You don't say I love you, because when you do, it reminds them that they don't love you.
The kids and texts... Only you knew she was texting OM, not the kids. Disrespectful? Sort of, but in this case, you let yourself get anger on behalf of you kids.They had no idea so really there ignorance protected them from being disrespected.
It is easy to use your children as a means to become angry with them. To get upset and feed that fire and rage.
Use your anger as a shield, NOT a sword.
Use it to fuel you detachment, burn it when you work out and can't do another rep. You can work out in your house, sit ups push ups. Use it to steel yourself when you feel weak and have to snoop.
You will find out the outcome of this soon, learn from it.
And stop trying to imagine what she will do, your monsters are bigger in your head.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Eagle, I'm so sorry to come here and read that you blew your stack and told her everything. Please, please re-read Jack's posting to you. You don't tell them they need help because they think they don't have a problem...they think it's you. You don't say I love you to them because this makes them feel guilty for what they are doing and the more you say I love you, the more determined they are to pull away.
Listen, I do understand about the phone and texting. You can't control what she does. Now, she's going to be that much more determined to do it. She's acting like a teenager and what do teenagers do? For a bit, they will straighten up and go right back to doing what they want. She's rebelling and you are coming across as her father. You don't want that. Unless the behavior is totally out of control, learn to ignore it. Find something to do or come here to vent...but don't react to her antics. Read the detachment thread and you'll see that you hit one of the main pointers...reacting to her behavior.
Find ways to channel your anger. Use it to weed the garden, clean the house or take on a project that will require your concentration and strength...but don't spew at your wife for now unless she does something that will harm the children, etc.
Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I understand where you are coming from. I know it was not smart. As I was talking to her I was thinking it might not be a good idea. I know she is not going to stop the A. I have read the book, but I had a moment of weakness last night. As I think back to what got me to say this to her I think it was not only the kids, but the fact that she was attacking me by rewriting our history. I should have just walked away and went to bed but I think I finally just had enough.
I didn't yell or cry or anything like that. I didn't beg her to get help or come back to me. I told her I thought she needed help because she was going ruin her life and her relationship with the kids. I know she probably hates me more now than before, but what can I do?
I will say it did feel good in a way because I have never really confronted her with anything and I don't like conflict. I would always walk away with presented with something like this in the past. I would be afraid of what she would say or the consequences, so in a way I may have screwed up my M more but I think I feel better about myself.
This morning she went to work early. I was awake but pretended to sleep when she left. I don't really know what to do from here. I know I am not going to push her and I am going to keep my distance. If she wants to talk I will talk but I will not initiate it. I need to read more about what to do though, because today begins a new chapter in this saga. I know her relationship with the OM will still be going and I guess the only thing that's really changed is that she knows I know that.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Eagle, Unless she brings up the issue this evening, I would leave it alone. You've said what you needed to say and now you go on.
You are only human and it got to you yesterday. It's understandable and now you know that in the future to walk way and let it be. As for rewriting history...they all do it. Sure we get angry and want to correct them, but you have to remember that while depressed, they look at life through fuzzy lenses and what she sees is blah. You, on the other hand know differently and you are looking at life through clear, clean lenses. You know the difference and only you can determine what is Memorex and what is real....so, let the history rewriting in the corner.
Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. Each and every time that you are tempted to say something, snap that band! I can guarantee you that when you do this, the sting will make you stop in your tracks.
Eagle, continue moving forward. Today is a new day. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep looking forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I understand where you are coming from. I know it was not smart. As I was talking to her I was thinking it might not be a good idea. I know she is not going to stop the A. I have read the book, but I had a moment of weakness last night. As I think back to what got me to say this to her I think it was not only the kids, but the fact that she was attacking me by rewriting our history. I should have just walked away and went to bed but I think I finally just had enough.
I didn't yell or cry or anything like that. I didn't beg her to get help or come back to me. I told her I thought she needed help because she was going ruin her life and her relationship with the kids. I know she probably hates me more now than before, but what can I do?
I will say it did feel good in a way because I have never really confronted her with anything and I don't like conflict. I would always walk away with presented with something like this in the past. I would be afraid of what she would say or the consequences, so in a way I may have screwed up my M more but I think I feel better about myself.
This morning she went to work early. I was awake but pretended to sleep when she left. I don't really know what to do from here. I know I am not going to push her and I am going to keep my distance. If she wants to talk I will talk but I will not initiate it. I need to read more about what to do though, because today begins a new chapter in this saga. I know her relationship with the OM will still be going and I guess the only thing that's really changed is that she knows I know that.
Step back from it, let it fester inside of her...
Now is the time, more than ever, to walk the walk...
Don't feel that you HAVE to do anything...other than to live YOUR changes...
I appreciate the comments and advice. I may be wrong but I think by telling her I feel last night I have a better idea of what direction I need to go. Before I wasn't sure if I should walk away and detach because one of her big complaints about me was that I didn't want to be around her or I didn't appreciate her enough. So I have been torn if detaching from her was the best approach because I felt that I would be doing the same thing as I always did. I have been moving back and forth between detaching and being her friend and acting normal. Now I think she knows my position and she knows how I feel so I think it will be easier for me to leave her be and detach. I guess I'm hoping she understands my position better now and I can go on with my life and working to improve without her feeling I'm neglecting her.
I am going to read DR again starting today. I feel like I am starting all over, but maybe I will have a better understanding of the direction I need to go.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I appreciate the comments and advice. I may be wrong but I think by telling her I feel last night I have a better idea of what direction I need to go. Before I wasn't sure if I should walk away and detach because one of her big complaints about me was that I didn't want to be around her or I didn't appreciate her enough. So I have been torn if detaching from her was the best approach because I felt that I would be doing the same thing as I always did. I have been moving back and forth between detaching and being her friend and acting normal. Now I think she knows my position and she knows how I feel so I think it will be easier for me to leave her be and detach. I guess I'm hoping she understands my position better now and I can go on with my life and working to improve without her feeling I'm neglecting her.
I am going to read DR again starting today. I feel like I am starting all over, but maybe I will have a better understanding of the direction I need to go.
Hey Eagle...
I think that you are trying to put too much pressure on yourself, AND her right now...
You are sitting back and allowing HER to make YOUR decisions...
You are giving her, way too much of your power in this chess match, that really isn't , or shouldn't be one.
She knows where you stand, and it's time for you to move FORWARD from this situation...
And when I say moving forward, I do not mean moving on...
Moving forward for you, means that you delve within yourself, take care of you and your issues, and you live your life according to you. You don't look in the rear-view mirror to see where she is..
Kids need you, Friends need you, Family needs you...
I see everyone mentioning "detachment" in their posts, and thread titles lately. It's definitely needs to be done, but I think many posters these days think "detachment" means stop living your WAS and forget about them.
It's not what it means, and I guess the action of detachment can be pretty confusing.
My view on detachment, and I am sure Mach can probably define it a little better than me.
But detachment to me is not having your actions and reactions being attached everything the WAS says or does. Or having your WAS's feeling dictate your own. it means stepping outside the situation, looking at yourself and what you need to do to be the best you.
Your sitch is SO much like mine was it's almost scary.
Right along with Detachment is Boundaries. What you tried to do in confronting her was about Boundaries. What you need to work on is making the boundary about you not her. You can't stop her from texting the OM in front of you. What you can do (carefully) is to state your position(boundary) and what YOU will do if she violates it. But you have to be prepared to follow thru with the consequences of your boundary, whatever that might be:
"W, I feel _____ when you _____, and if you continue to _____, I will ______."
"W, I feel disrespected when you text OM in front of me, so if you continue to do so, I will leave the room. And take the boys if we are busy doing something."
See the difference? You are not telling her what to do. It's how YOU feel, and what YOU do.
Again, I agree with letting this one sit with her awhile. You caught her off guard with confronting her, which by the way, I agree with you doing.
Be prepared with her switching up her strategy now, and be ready for when she challenges you in a new way.
Lots of good material on here ( and elsewhere) about Boundaries. Let me see if I can dig up some threads.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
