Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

[ForGump]

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I was a DJ for my college radio station. We went out over AM and over cable TV. I was taught early to play music, but never focused, never got good. But listening -- music felt like everything. "When I was young/The radio played for me/And it saved me," sings Roddy Frame. That's how I feel. Music saved me during my teen years. Nowadays I play the guitar for fun. I can strum easy chords, and sing a bit off key. I don't have a single song memorized, and I have to always look at my laptop to remember the chords.

I'm about to turn 49. I grew up on the westcoast U.S., 30 minutes from the beach. I played in the surf like all kids in the area. I learned to surf in college, and have been surfing all this time, 10 of those years in New England, year-round. It is an obsession. But I have lost my zeal since the second bomb drop. I still go now and again, and some days are good, but the fire is gone. For now.

[CT1118]

Surfing is awesome. Something I would love to learn. I priced somethings this summer, but could not afford it. I'm happy on my skateboard though. I really hope it bites down hard on you again, every surfer I have ever me has a look in their eye like they are reliving it when they speak about it.

[JRuss]

You know you need to get back on that surfboard. And by all means keep listening to music! You'll look back on this period one day and point to both of these things as part of what got you through to where you ended up: living a happy life.

Are the kids old enough to surf? That would be pretty awesome teaching them, and then you'd have great partners. Think how sick they'd end up being if they started as kids!

[RSG]

Gump, the best thing you can do is put your energy into those things and your kiddos.

I sense a lot of anger from you about your W. Remember, that means you still care. If some stranger said something obnoxious, you'd just give it a thought and then forget about it.

You're also at home. This is so much harder. When my W left, it was an awful, awful day. But what I've learned in 3mos is that the ONLY shot our marriage has is for us to be apart.

[CT1118]

When my W left, it was an awful, awful day. But what I've learned in 3mos is that the ONLY shot our marriage has is for us to be apart.

So very, very true IMO. Seems to against what one would think.

[lt0402]

You're also at home. This is so much harder.

Amen to this. FG, it [censored] being in the same house as my WW, and [censored] even more sharing the same bed w/ her. It makes things so much more gray than the black and white view I'd imagine comes from being physically separated.

RSG is right about the anger. You do seem to still have immense caring for your W, which isn't a bad thing. I'm cycling through the same stuff and am not sure how to get out of it.

No other real advice here for you other than keep doing stuff for you. Keeping a level head is very beneficial to you and the kids right now. It's hard to do, but I've no doubts you can swing it brother!

[Surfer]

Okay. I did a course prior to this called Marriage Fitness for say 18 moths. By a gut called Mort Fertel. There are others etc. It's was okay but nothing like DB. This gets to the core.

Anyway the MF Course was all about, never do anything that separates you etc. Never go on holiday separately don't agree to a divorce etc. Some things I still hold to as they are correct. But not separating. IMHO, without distance between us we were just going to be at war. We needed space to stop the war. Can't make peace and war at the same time. You need to stop the war to make friends, then hopefully build a loving connection again - be that in a M, as lovers or whatever. But we all knows war just mean death, territory and money (territory). So yeah. I agree. Life is better separate. Life has a better chance of survival without spew putting acid into the soil that is supposed to be sufficiently fertile for our M to grow.

So with both courses together I must be 24 - 30 months into some sort of DB. Prior to that - the panic stages. And prior to that 3 years of WTF is happening to us. Incl. couples counselling. Will it work? IDK. If it doesn't, I will surely be well trained for the next lady. Should a few things happen I will be able to spot signs where I need to react. I will also be able to spot signs where the foot goes down.

Surfer.

[ForGump]

I buy into everything you're saying.

If my kids weren't involved.

[CT1118]

I buy into everything you're saying.

If my kids weren't involved.

I mean - I have to ask what specifically you are not buying into about what Surfer said b/c of your kids? What does that mean? Are you referring to the living separate thing? If so, and you think she is gone no matter what - I mean won't you be in separate places anyway when you D?

And Surfer - I hope we all will be ready for the next lady if it comes to that, but my friend, any scent of this crap and I am so very out of there! Hahahahahaha, no actually I am serious; I am not doing this w/ another woman or ever again. My W gets it because I need the time to get healthy and one hundred percent and there's all the positive crap I feel about her.

[albac]

I understand what Gump is saying,

There is a big difference between W moving out like mine did and W willing to hang around but tell you it's over and want D. I would love to say that I would have the balls to tell her to leave but push come to shove I don't know that I could. Even knowing like Gump that she is full steam towards D and will move out anyway. It begs one question though if she is full steam ahead with D why hasn't she moved yet? Has she said why she is hanging around?

Now as for what CT said, you are so right this is a one off train and be it my W or a new lady this doormat is done if I get even the slightest sniff of things heading this way I will TALK about it and say what I am thinking. God knows it could have helped in the past. But as you say for now I'm working on V2 of myself. The reinvention of all that is me.

One quick one not sure if everyone gets the same thoughts as me but when I feel I am starting to spin the wheels and get consumed by it all. I rewind to when we were together, not visions of the good times but the times that lead us to here. I have no illusions things were not great and as we both were it was never going to work. I have worked on me but she at the moment she is just trying to push her problems aside. If she doesn't want to work on her then we will never work.

So ask yourself the question do you think 100% that you are DBing because you really want you W or because you don't want to start again and don't want to take family away from your children. I'm just asking the question because for myself I can't answer it. Not with a consistent answer anyway. What this women has done to me and the way she has treated me I think if kids weren't involved I have i would be like don't let the door hit you on the way out. So why should it be any different with kids? Hanging around in a bad situation for the sake of kids has to do more damage then moving on in healthy relationships and at some point will end in another BD.

So I guess my point is as hard as it is to swallow, I need to turn my ego off for a second and realize that right this minute as things stand I am far better off without my W. It hurts for sure but it is the only way.