Stages of grief

[Painter]

Got a refill of my meds and slept decently last night. At least until 4am (went to bed very early) and then I got another hour from 6-7. But at that point I'm so much more tired when I wake up that it's hardly worth it.

I had a lovely dream about OW having moved out and that I had a proper conversation with WH afterwards.

In real life, he's stonewalling me. He won't reply to e-mails or messages or calls. I've tried to get him to answer some questions about missing stuff in my shipment and he's ignoring me. TBH, I have also told him that I'm still upset with everything that's happened. He probably doesn't like to hear that. Poor thing, it must be so hard...

This week has just been a lot of working, and I don't see it getting better soon. First day in new choir tomorrow, though!

Going to bed so I can get up again tomorrow to work some more... Just finished second job.

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter. I see that my most recent post went the way of the dodo bird.

Just letting you know that I'm checking in on you, and am sorry to hear that WH is stonewalling. Maybe it would be helpful to try to look at it as a kind of gift? He's giving you he gift of a break from his BS explanations, etc. Honestly, sometime sit's just better to hear nothing than to hear that kind of thing. Just a thought, Miss Painter.

I hope that you are sleeping.

((((((PAinter))))))

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe, I just read up on your thread. I'll comment over there a little later.

I had a lot of thoughts this morning that I wrote down to journal.

I have been told for over a decade that I’m ‘controlling’. And somehow, although I didn’t feel controlling, I bought into it.

I took care of a family with three children and an aging in-law, and was put in charge of the day to day finances and health and legal issues. That requires administration and oversight and planning. I fell into the trap of accepting that I was a ‘control freak’.

Today, I had a thought about how this was a projection and not the truth at all.

It’s not controlling to want to plan life – vacations or finances or schedules or anything else.

It’s not controlling to ask your husband what his weekend plans are, and suggest that you do something together.

It’s not control to ask your husband what he’s thinking or feeling or wanting.

It’s not controlling to not always be in the mood.

Having a different opinion is not being controlling. And it’s not controlling to suggest a different way of doing something.

Keeping your home reasonably organized is not being controlling.

Asking your husband for help - sometimes within a certain timeframe - is not controlling, even if you ask for whatever it is, to be done a certain way.

Asking openly and honestly to have your needs met is not controlling.

Telling your husband that you would love it if he bought you flowers, is not controlling.


What is controlling, is to withdraw, stonewall or rage when your wife wants to communicate or seeks emotional connection.

Lying is extremely controlling, whether it’s making up elaborate stories to avoid being caught cheating, or lying by omission. Lying is a distortion of reality and takes away the other person’s right to make choices for themself. It is the ultimate in control.

It is obviously controlling to not tolerate that your wife has different political views, to where you scream at her that it is ‘your job to educate her’.

It is controlling to put down, mock or judge not only your wife’s, but all your family members’ partners and friends, customers and colleagues.

It is controlling to refuse to make plans or commit to anything. ‘Living day to day’ isn't laidback, it's exercising control over everything so you can never be held accountable.

It’s controlling to need a partner where the attributes you most appreciate is that she is smaller than you physically and intellectually, has no other purpose in life than fill your needs for meals, housekeeping and sex, stills your fear of being alone, agrees with you in everything and does not challenge you, and is financially and socially dependent on you because she has no income, and no family or friends nearby.

And it is very controlling to give your mistress an engagement ring before you have decided to separate from your wife. You have to secure a new person before you can let someone go.

[SH_]

Painter,

I would have thought that you were married to my WAW if it were not for the last paragraph. But even that with just a few tweaks and I would say you were difinetly married to my WAW.

Well written and a sound perspective once we can step back and try and reframe much of what was tossed at us by the person who chose to leave.

[J5K]

Ugh!

Painter, I read this and see from my STBX POV how I did half of the things you listed. She has also done some of the things you listed. I am sure we have all done these things to some degree with our Ss. The difference is we are hoping to save the M while they continue to take the easy way out!

[Phoebe]

Right on target, Painter. There can be a lot of projection that goes on in relationships, and it sounds like your WH was a skilled practitioner. It sounds like when your WH would accuse you when he felt his own powers of control slipping a tiny bit.

At this point I have no idea what to believe about myself, because my thoughts are so muddled by the gaslighting and lying that went on in my MR. It's hard to know what was a real complaint, and what was projection. It sounds like you are dealing with the same thing - trying to sort out the difference between real things you can work on to improve yourself, and what was just spewing aimed at deflecting responsibility and avoiding honesty.

I suspect that everyone here has a lot of sorting to do on this front. What was real, what was exaggeration, what was projection, and what was patently bullsh1t? I've done a lot of leaning on outside observers to try to help me work through some of this - therapist, grief counselor, friends, etc., because I am simply not in a position to be very objective right now. On the one hand, I am my own worst critic, yet on the other, I know that I am blind to many aspects of myself. I know that I need help to recognize what is true right now.

Painter, I hope that your realizations about what controlling behavior is and is not brings you some clarity, and I think that you will have ever more clarity as time goes on.

(((((Painter)))))

[Painter]

Hi Jim, you noticed it was two lists, right?

[J5K]

Painter, Yes, I understand it is two lists. I read it quickly and on my phone when I responded.

Just read it again. It was painful to read because now I read it from my STBX POV, which drove her to an A.

[Painter]

Phoebe, it's hard when you're accused by the person you let get closer than anyone else. It's easy to blow off criticism from a stranger, but the one you've showed your true self to for years has unique access to your most vulnerable spots.

Today, I was accused (again) of alienating WH's kids from him. A very unfair accusation that we've been over before and SD said was not true at all. His ex actually worked very hard to alienate them, while I supported their relationship and was their caretaker for years.

I finally told him that maybe they were less tense now because they didn't have to keep his secret about his affair anymore.

I'm working very much the same way on the same things you are. I wish our WH's would do the same.

[Painter]

Jim, nothing drives anyone to have an A. There are many ways to approach marital problems and having an A is not on any list of reasonable options.

WH treated me really bad and I didn't have an A. It wasn't even an option for me.