Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[CT1118]

The last time her and I were separated it was for 9 years, but we were separated for very different reasons. I can go into it if requested, but it really comes down to geography and technology.

Can you provide some details on the 9 year separation?
I think Job provided a good description of the process. I would only add one other point…one that may have already been stressed to you (it took me a LONG time to get this point)…… DB is really counter intuitive. It usually does not feel natural at first – hence the fake it till you make comments you may have seen.
MLC can be a long road.

Yes, I can. I feel like I may need to hit a reset here, sit at the keyboard and bleed so to speak. I would not accuse of me not being heard as much as I would suggest I am misrepresenting myself so far. Please allow me some time until tomorrow to convey. Please also know - I wish I came to MLC earlier and I really appreciate everyone's help. I cannot tell you how beneficent it is. I did not think MLC was the forum to piss the bed on and I had to wait to get older, now I see it is ok to piss it here, but I am done with that.

[cat04]

Please also know - I wish I came to MLC earlier and I really appreciate everyone's help. I cannot tell you how beneficent it is. I did not think MLC was the forum to piss the bed on and I had to wait to get older, now I see it is ok to piss it here, but I am done with that.

We all get to where we need to be WHEN we need to be there.

If you had come to MLC earlier...you may not have been ready to hear anything that you have so far...

Also, MLC, while it can be an explanation, is not the explanation I would wish on anyone.

Those of us who have been here, walked the depths of hell, and come out the other side (however it looks) will tell you that it is a sad, long, sometimes scary road that we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy.

It is also a saving grace for many people.

You will learn to find the silver lining in things.

I am interested in that other separation story as well.

I hope that you are not in the path of a tropical storm this week at your beach in the south. If you are...stay safe.

[job]

Wow! What a story!

Sounds like her mother wanted you to rescue her daughter quite a bit. Did/do you see yourself as the rescuer? Both of you lived life kind of on the edge as teens/early 20's and both of you cheated on others along the way and probably didn't give much thought to how it would hurt those you cheated on. However, as you matured, you grew up and she's still stuck back in the 90's. She has never had to face her issues on her own and now those issues have come back to haunt her. Will history repeat itself? Maybe, but what I see is that she continues to hit the break wall and hasn't learned the lessons that life is providing to her and until she does, she will continue to repeat them over and over. Hopefully she'll hit the brick wall hard enough to make her focus on herself and deal w/her issues.

I am so sorry for all of the pain that you have endured over the years. Let's hope and pray she grows up and becomes the mature woman that she is meant to be.

[CT1118]

Wow! What a story!

Sounds like her mother wanted you to rescue her daughter quite a bit. Did/do you see yourself as the rescuer? Both of you lived life kind of on the edge as teens/early 20's and both of you cheated on others along the way and probably didn't give much thought to how it would hurt those you cheated on. However, as you matured, you grew up and she's still stuck back in the 90's. She has never had to face her issues on her own and now those issues have come back to haunt her. Will history repeat itself? Maybe, but what I see is that she continues to hit the break wall and hasn't learned the lessons that life is providing to her and until she does, she will continue to repeat them over and over. Hopefully she'll hit the brick wall hard enough to make her focus on herself and deal w/her issues.

Thanks job. You are 100% accurate on the above. Let me just add the end of the story as it seems some stuff remains open to the panel...

[AndrewP]

Thanks for sharing CT1118. A very different story than mine except in one important point. The confusion about what our W were wanting / intending with OM when confronted is the same.

[ericmsant2]

CT

I have quite a few comments. I want to thank you for sharing your story. Look for my comments much later on tonight.

[job]

CT,
Thank you for sharing. Reliving your situation isn't easy, but it will help us help you along the way. Like, eric, I need just a wee bit of time to think about it and provide some comments that may help you.

[CT1118]

Thank you all. I did post a lot today, would not have told this story had it not been requested. I did not feel able to explain the 9 years apart without providing for/hind sight. I will hold off on more. Looking forward to what I am going to hear.

I had contact with her tonight and I have a question about an happening. As well, from the notes I made on other threads, I have a single question as well. Again, will wait though. Don't want the stuff above left behind due to rapid fire writing.

[ericmsant2]

CT

Thank you again for taking the time to share your story. If I had any doubt that your W is having a crisis, your story eliminated them. It looks like you both have a ton of things to work through. What I gathered from reading your post was that you had the typical codependent/enabling/unhealthy relationship. She needed a knight to save her and you gladly accepted that role. The deeper issue that will need to be addressed is WHY. Why did you accept some of this? Why did you (maybe you still do) think that some of the behavior were/are healthy. If you are anything like me, chances are YOU probably do/did not understand what a truly healthy relationship is.

Question: What does LOVE mean to YOU? What does it look like? How do you give it? How do you receive it? What does a healthy relationship look like to you?

I was barely 18, she was 17. She sat next to me and we began speaking, hit it off right away.

You both were kids when you met. Neither of you knew who you were.

Eventually, she dumped me without any explanation.

Early signs of someone who has issues to work through.

She began very self-destructive behavior right away: promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, job hopping. I did the same.

Given this ^^^^^

We would still see each other, we cheated on others we were dating with each other feeling like it was justifiable because we were in love.

Why on earth did you do this^^^ - You both cheated on others to be with each other. Why did YOU do it? Was the attraction to much for you to say no? Was the sex that good? Understanding why you went along with this WILL HELP YOU.

Have you read anything on codependency? If not, I suggest that you do. Codependent No more is an excellent book that you should pick up and read.

I had a similar relationship in my past. Something that honestly, I needed to resolve in order for me to truly move on. It seems that the history between you and your wife has mostly been an unhealthy codependent one.

You both seem to move on from relationship to relationship – yet still maintained on some secret level communication. Why? Why do YOU think YOU did this?

I wondered if either of you knew what a healthy relationship ever looked like. Oh, and hey man, as I am writing this, I WAS YOU at one point.

It is almost like you both were addicted to each other and FTR, addiction is NOT love.

She told me that off of one of our early 20 year old visits, I had gotten her pregnant and she was going to have it, but she lost the child in a miscarriage.

Can you see how unhealthy this is ^^^^ She tells you 4 years later that she was pregnant but had a miscarriage. Why? What purpose would it serve? Honestly, it seems like manipulation to me. It seems like she wanted her knight back.

Question: Have you done any reading on boundaries?

Post from Job - However, as you matured, you grew up and she's still stuck back in the 90's. She has never had to face her issues on her own and now those issues have come back to haunt her. Will history repeat itself? Maybe, but what I see is that she continues to hit the break wall and hasn't learned the lessons that life is providing to her and until she does, she will continue to repeat them over and over.

This ^^^^ read this several times. Job summarized this 1,000 better than I ever could. I would add, that in addition to HER (your W)…..I actually wonder if YOU also have ever really dealt with some of YOUR issues.

CHOICE
We all have CHOICES…..
Healthy is someone OWNING their CHOICES…..
Rescuing is NOT HEALTHY. And let’s not confuse saving someone from a burning building with enabling someone and then stepping in and NOT allowing them the freedom to live their CHOICES.

Your W appears to have a pattern…..
She and She alone can break the cycle.
DO you agree that you to have a pattern?
Are you ready to break the cycle?

You cannot fix HER.

And the best way to get her back…..

The best way to help…..

Is to lead….

By example….

The best way IMO, is the break the cycle….to become a man that any women would be crazy to leave….

To find out why YOU do and think the way you do.

So start by answering the questions above…..

Start by reading “codependant no more”

Do you like to read? If so, pick up “let go now – embracing detachment”

If there was ever a time buddy to dig and dig deep (grab a shovel, put on your hard hat) now is the time!

I had contact with her tonight and I have a question about an happening.

I have a full day at work tomorrow, but if you need me, just shout out….a few of the posted know how to get a hold of me.

I’ll leave you with this…… 2 quotes from Batman…..yep Batman. I love Batman….

1) The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.

2) You traveled the world... Now you must journey inwards... to what you really fear... it's inside you... there is no turning back. If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, you become something else entirely. Are you ready to begin?

Peace,

[CT1118]

...seems I am in for a long day just answering these...I will hold out for some more responses. But awesome sir.