Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[Surfer]

Also,

CT wrote about Stockholm Syndrome the other day. It really made me think. You see the WS has you in the basement - feeding you sh!t. Open the door and walk out. Leave them in there alone. Never go back.

Get outside have fun and stop trying to chase (be anxious, miss her). Plugging the leaks in your R. It won't work. Turn the tap on higher, or get more taps, don't worry about the leaks. What I mean is we don't want to be running around catching leaking water (trying to catch your WS's love - with a sieve - they are not giving it, yet we chase, beg, are needy, anxious etc). Carry on with this approach, but there is only a finite amount of water and soon it will all be gone and we are left crying in a puddle. Bo!!ocks to that. Turn the taps on in your life. GAL, have fun, see you for who you are and love yourself again. Love your old W and be proud you did and still do. Love your kids your friends etc.

Your WS is someone you don't recognise. Your W is in a coma. You hope she comes out. But don't be sad or down. Don't give up. If she was in a come would you? What would you advise a friend with a W in a coma? Mate, get your boots on we are going to go out and have fun. You'd keep on doing that.

Surfer.

[albac]

Sorry Surfer I should have gone into more detail.

I am just really struggling to commit to any approach to this sitch. I know there is nothing to "fix" and nothing I can do to change how she feels.

The thing the confuses me is trying to keep the door open without being walked all over. My W has never been angry aggressive or mean once since she left. She told me she was seeing someone else and definitely does not see how as an affair she sees it as in her mind we were done and his is her moving on.

I enjoy the encounters we both have all the time until I remember she is seeing someone else. She wants to have me available as her family when she wants it and the single life the rest of the time. I just don't think I can do it this way anymore. Doesn't mean I'm closing doors or folding on my M it means instead of pretending it's all good I am going to stand up for myself and start telling her no when I don't want things the way she does. My W is off the planet at the moment she asked me yesterday to go on a holiday to Europe with her and my D like it is perfectly normal. I also don't think the OM would be happy about the things she talks to me about and PT.

I was getting a leg cramp the other day after gym while she was here and she gave me a leg massage. My head was screaming say no but my head lost the battle. And in the end I am just left feeling like a toy she can throw away when she's finished.

Anyway point is I'm not pushing for D I'm pushing for not caring about what happens and not reacting to what she does. If I can get there I will be much better off.

[CT1118]

albac, ForGump - what Surfer said, he's on point. You really think saying, I fold, will make you feel better? No, you will still go through the same hurt/healing. Surfer further tells you, you yourselves are not thinking correctly at this time.

Surfer still hurts. I still hurt.

YOUR OLD MARRIAGE IS DEAD! It is dead gentlemen. What you focus on now must be new. New you. You know who the old guard are here - the people we seek and cry out to for the deepest, toughest, most provocative assistance? Who are they? They are us 2/5/10 years ago. You both answer this question. Do it now. Who do I want to be as an individual? I'm waiting...

[Surfer]

Okay - I will go first.

Feel free to use the same categories, add to them. It might help measure your status:

1. Back to me (friends say I am there, I think I am 80-90 back)
2. To love me again (65-75%, given the ups and downs)
3. To be the best Dad (90%)
4. To be the guy any lady (including W) would be mad not to like (65%)
5. To be the best friend, family member that I can be that people would be proud to call theirs (75%)
6. Detached (but a light house) (65 - 70%)

CT you are right on the 'old guard'. Out in the distance. Learn, but don't get obsessed.

Hope that makes sense.

Surfer.

[albac]

CT, it is a fair call and I'm under no illusions my W still has a massive hold on me depending on the day.

As an individual I think I am traveling very well compared to who I was. Regardless of if it has any affect on my W it makes me feel good and will help me going forward.

I am now as for as I have ever been in my life. I gym every morning and run at night this has gone a very long way to lift my confidence and even my W has mention a heap of times how good I look.

Anyway I guess I haven't really answered the question but I was happy with the person j was before my W left with the exception to letting myself go a bit which I have now sorted and then some. I am a caring person who would help anyone and would do anything for my family and still would. The only other thing I am changing is not letting my good nature turn me into a doormat.

I can be caring and still have a spine and I am realizing this. So I think I am very close to being the person I want to be. So maybe I'm just not compatible with my W who knows time will tell.

[Surfer]

albac,

I have thought about compatibility before. We always argued, not as soon as we met, but on our honeymoon etc. She always wants to get her point across and have me accept it and I don't always. Essentially we are both stubborn!

Are we therefore compatible? Good point - I will cogitate on that one!

Were you, are you, why, why not? And you can't just say, she is mental and I am not.

Surfer.

[ForGump]

Guys, here's what I'm saying. You guys believe your W is in a coma and your WS is a different person. That means your W might wake up.

What I'm realizing is that my WW is the real person, not the W. The W I had was a WW who was trying really hard for many years to be a decent W. But she was always the WW inside. She has deep-seated psychological illness. Not the kind that you need a straitjacket for, but the kind that sets you up for self-centered, unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships. She wasn't a healthy person who went wayward. She was unhealthy all her life.

You keep fighting if you have something worth fighting for. Not in my case.

[lfm]

Completely agree with you Gump, I see those same qualities in my W. I think she is finally realizing who she should be and it's not the person I want to fight for. I don't think she's ever going to return to the person she was with me, and that's okay. I became someone other than who I am too.

I've accepted we had a good run, and that it is really time to move on and find something more in my life. Whether that involves another person down the road or not, I don't know, but I feel so much better now that I have come to this realization and have let go of all of my fears and concerns!

[albac]

Gump, no one knows your sitch as well as you.

I just wanted to say I think so many of us can see this in different ways. I have a strong feeling the reason my marriage died so quick was my W never wanted it.

I think she convinced herself she did and that it's what people do and then decided maybe I don't want this I want to live a crazy life with no rules. This aside I don't know what the issues your W has she seems to do some very odd things. I know there are things very much not right with my Was she is in current form, like you said not straight jacket stuff but things you can't possibly live a healthy life without sorting out.

I hope for both our sakes that after our W's one day in the future sort out the issues they have they return to be close to the form they were when we married them.

[CT1118]

I have no control over the actions of others, I only have control over myself.

ForGump, I respect you and what you say about your spouse, you know more you than I do as albac pointed out. I will suggest to you though that you are missing the fundamental point of DB'ing. The fight is for self, not your woman. That's the point. That is the genius of MWD. She says something in one of her youtube videos to the effect of "...and I feel sorry for the women who don't come back tho these guys because they are really getting good." Not an exact quote but close to what she meant.

Surfer and I were pretty tough up above. This was not chest beating though. This is not because we are stronger, or more courageous. This was trying to rally you guys to self. Again, DB'ing at our level is about making the change in you and if your spouse notices and/or if you care at that point that she notices, you are a better person nonetheless - permanent change.

She sounds worth letting go of to you, why not do it in a healthy way? If she is not worth it to you than tell me "She does not deserve me. I have risen above her level. I am the man I can be proud of for me." You words above sound like you believe what she has been saying, and we know from the rules, believe nothing they say and half of what they do. That rule is there for a reason, not to convince you to not fall for their lies, but to convince you to not fall deeper into their spell.

Tell me a good story about yourself from the recent past. Change subjects, what have you done fun recently? You like music, I recently went through some back tracks of a studio jazz band I played in about six years ago. I play the bass and hand drums. Do you play an instrument, or just have a love for music?